[portlowski]

Thanks for your perspective Belle in Blue. I am pretty much with you on that, which is why I didn't want to make a snide comment but considered a gentle one.

KarynB, I actually find that comment very upsetting, especially since it was made in your son's presence. It might warrant a kind comment about how innocent comments can harm a child's sense of belonging and self-worth. IN my case, my son was never going to see the FB comment and the people who were are all adults so I believe they have the maturity to see it for what it is...a silly comment. but when a child is directly affected I think some educating can be in order.

I have been guilty of saying "he's keeper" or stuff like that not even thinking about adoption...just using terminology I use to refer to DH too!

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by KarynB

We had something like this happen on the weekend, too. My son (10 yrs old) plays football and will be moving up a division next season. His current coach wanted to introduce him to some of the players he'll be with next year - really nice guy. Anyways, he introduces his son, another kid, and then says "and this is our adopted son XXX. He just hangs around like a lost puppy so we take him in and feed him now and then".

He certainly didn't mean any harm, but my son looked at me very confused - like what the heck is this guy talking about? I didn't want to make a snide remark, he really meant no harm, but talking about our adopted kids like they are lost puppies we take in to feed and water was not entirely cool either!

HUH? That child is actually adopted and he says that? See I think that is SICK. It reeks of favoritism to me (to his bio kid) maybe I"m overreacting. Then again my mom called me "an afterthought" as i'm almost a decade younger than both my sibs. That made me crazy too! I guess she meant no harm either!

[KarynB]

Originally Posted by Stormster

HUH? That child is actually adopted and he says that? See I think that is SICK. It reeks of favoritism to me (to his bio kid) maybe I"m overreacting. Then again my mom called me "an afterthought" as i'm almost a decade younger than both my sibs. That made me crazy too! I guess she meant no harm either!

LOL, no the kid wasn't actually adopted! hehehe. It was his son's friend who must spend a lot of time at their place so he referred to him as his "adopted son". Kind of like all those dumb ways corporations are trying to drum up funds by saying "adopt a highway", "adopt an animal in a zoo". Hate that!!!!

Actually, on that note - I was walking with DS in a stroller in the summer and a guy at a bus stop stops me a says "Oh, hey, I have one of those too!". Thinking he meant the stroller, I said "One of what?". He said "I have an adopted kid from Zambia that I send $30 to every month" - clearly meaning he does the World Vision program or something similar. Um, yeah...

[BrandyHagz]

The joking comments like that don't bother me.

It's the serious ones that do - the ones where they talk about adopted people in hushed tones and/or bad ways etc.

I save my education for the people who honestly think less of those who are adopted, who have adopted or who have placed.

I typically laugh (and have been known to make the joke myself from time to time, with regards to my son)

[sugarandspice697]

It sounds like your friend was being sarcastic... it's hard to be sarcastic over the internet because you cannot hear the tone of their voice or their facial expressions. I'm sure she didn't mean to say something so hurtful.

[Nevada Jen]

Karyn that reminds me of a story one of my new friends was telling me. The white partner in the big important firm has a black adopted child. She has a photo of her and her school age kid on her desk. A new associate was starting at the firm sitting in front of the partner and he said in all seriousness "You met your child? That's cool. I thought that all those sponser a child programs were scams. Where can I get one of those kids." Even after she tried to explain that the kid in the picture was HER kid he kept asking where he could sign up for one and insisting that he really wanted to help!

Poor guy. A law degree clearly does not make you smart.

[BethanyB]

Yeah those things irk me too. In fact about a week ago at lunch, I was sitting with a bunch of coworkers -several of whom are friends. All know I adopted my children. Well one of them began joking about how her sons pick on the younger child in the house by saying, "You know you are adopted right?" Then everyone began cracking jokes like, "Yeah, that is why mom likes us the best" or "And you wondered why you don't look like anyone else in the family?" They were all laughing and kidding around. I did NOT find it funny. I know they were not trying to be mean but come on. I just got quiet and looked away to give them a small hint that I did not agree with their humor.

[mommytoEli]

i think it is different too when the jokes come from outside of the triad. sometimes i can be offended by something a non member of the triad says, when i know i have heard a member say it before and i laughed. i don't like to hear people tease non adopted people about being adopted, BUT yesterday my almost 16 year old son who is adopted showed me a 96 on a geometry test. my first comment was, "man, you must be adopted." we both laughed, it was funny bc we both know that i took geometry ALL FOUR YEARS i was in highschool. lol. i finally "passed" with a d my last year.....and i still think it was bc i had the same teacher for four years, and he didn't want me for a fifth, lol. so my son and i are both glad he didn't have to get my dumb math gene. but if someone else would have made that comment to him, i probably would have creamed them.

[crick]

Mommy - I agree that it all depends on who it comes from for me. I joke around with cross triad members all the time, and in a very un pc way at times. BUT...there has to be a mutual understanding and humor for that to happen.

[portlowski]

Mommytoeli that is a very cute story! I see the same thing in my future as I am completely hopeless when it comes to math but DS at 2 and a half already seems to understand how to add, and he is great at shapes and puzzles. We went to the park and I was fiddling with the lock on the gate trying to figure out how to open it and he sighed, "oh mommy!" and opened it for me!

[hpfreak080]

lol mommytoeli,
my mom "passed" geometry with a D too (though she only had to take it 1 year lol) and here I am in engineering school (land of calculus and physics). I love math and am good at it.

I defintely don't find it funny when people joke about being adopted as if their child would be inadequate if they had been adopted rather than bio (a lot of me taking offense would depend on the context and the person).

[feelingreyt]

To be honest, I would not have been offended. I'm sure she was just being sarcastic. Blowing off steam, whatever. Maybe I'm just harder to offend, or maybe my sense of humor is weird, I most likely would have laughed at the comment. Heck, I say things all the time that probably offend people. Not intentional, of course, but it just seems to me that people get their undies in a wad over nothing sometimes!

[portlowski]

Not intentional, of course, but it just seems to me that people get their undies in a wad over nothing sometimes!

By irked I mean mildly annoyed....hardly have my panties in wad about anything! I thought I was just venting a little in a safe place...

[feelingreyt]

Originally Posted by portlowski

By irked I mean mildly annoyed....hardly have my panties in wad about anything! I thought I was just venting a little in a safe place...

I'm so sorry if I offended you. I honestly did NOT mean you got your panties in a wad over this! I just meant in general people seem easy to offend. Like nothing can be said without someone getting upset. I was talking in general, not in specifics. Again, I'm sorry.

But I have to say, your friend probably thought she was venting in a safe place too.

[portlowski]

Opps...sorry feelingreyt..looks like I DID get my panties in a wad! Truly I am usually not quick to be offended...I am very crabby today and offer my sincere apology! I should also add that this particular FB friend has many lovely qualities but she is also a bit of a diva I find her difficult to be around (she is a rather successful actress although not anywhere near famous but loves to let you know how successful and important she is) so that certainly colored my reading of her update. I would be much quicker to overlook it in someone who was not so, shall we say...overly fond of herself.