[JJemail1]

We have been matched with and are currently visiting once a week a 2 1/2 year old. Our agency only requires 4 visits prior to placement (gasp) but we've opted to do a graduated visitation plan starting with one visit per week for several weeks, then two visits per week for another several weeks (including "day visits"), then overnights, and finally (hopefully) a transition in the new year.

Our little one was raised from birth by the foster parent and I already anticipate that this is going to be tough (on everyone). I've read the highly acclaimed Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft and am incorporating techniques I've learned there. However, I'd love to hear advice from those who have been through a similar situation.

Thanks, in advance, for your candid advice or thoughts.
Jennifer

[ocracoke]

Jennifer,

I got my daughter when she was 21 months old. She had lived in her bio family until almost 18 months old and then in an orphanage until I picked her up. The plan was for me to pick her up during the day and play with her and then return her to the orphanage at night for an entire week. Day 1 she was not all interested in me and was not shy about letting me know. Day 2 she ran away from me (she finds this funny now). Day 3 she decided I was okay and we had some fun. Day 4 she decided I was mom. Day 5 she let me know she was pissed that I had returned her to orphanage the night before and I was not to do that again. She did some serious grieving that week and would just sit on my lap and wail. She would hit and scream and kick and wrench her body away from me. But if I would try to put her down she would hit hard, scream louder, kick faster, and hold on tight to what ever she could grasp.

Some suggestions...
Be the only one to feed her, be the only one to change her, be the only one to comfort her...make it so she has to depend on you. Carry her. Hold her hand. Wear her. Nap with her. Let her cry. And be consistent with her about behaviors -- start expectations from day one. If she throws her food on the floor tell her gently that is not ok.

I am really beginning to believe that I am the only person in the adoption world that found Toddler Adoption: Weaver's Craft to be fairly useless.

Good luck,
Samantha

[JJemail1]

Thanks so much for your insight, Samantha! I really appreciate it! This gives me a lot of hope.

[mommamarci]

Originally Posted by ocracoke

I am really beginning to believe that I am the only person in the adoption world that found Toddler Adoption: Weaver's Craft to be fairly useless.

I also found it useless! Thought I was the only one.

[mommamarci]

I don't really have any advice. Our little one was 23 months when she moved in. We had done respite 5 times for 2-4 nights each time, so we had a relationship already.

That said, this has been the hardest thing I have ever done. She has been with us for 4 months and I still feel like I am the baby-sitter.

This is what I HAVE learned.
1. Post adoption depression does exist and is a real thing. If you feel any signs of depression, get help! I thought I could kick the blues on my own. (And I thought since I did not get it with my first 2 adoptions, I would not this time.) After several weeks on meds with a couple adjustments, I finally feel like me again!
2. Expect things to get worse before they get better. Expect the limits to be tested. I thought everything was going great. Then we hit the 2 month mark and we had major issues... Just when things seem to improve, something sets us back.
3. Don't be alarmed if you don't feel like mom right away. From others I have talked to that adopted toddlers, it is completely normal for it to take 6 months before you actually feel like the mom and not the sitter.

Hope that helps. If you need to talk, send me a PM!

[KarynB]

Hey there,

We picked our son up at age three and one thing we weren't prepared for is that he wouldn't start attaching to us until after we left the orphanage. We at first planned to stay right at the orphanage for two weeks to slowly transition him, but the longer we stayed the more distressed he got, until finely he stopped speaking altogether. We decided to take him to the beach for a few days, and with a few hours he was talking, laughing and interacting. I think he couldn't make sense of why we were at the orphanage, not sure when/if he was leaving, scared we would stay, scared we would go. Once we "ripped the band-aid off" so to speak, he could begin adjusting.

Once home we had a honeymoon of about 4-6 months and then we had lots of behaviour issues to sort through. Anyways, I know your situation is different, but just wanted to let you know he may find it hard if he is tron between loyalty to foster parents and knowing he is leaving.

And I loved Toddler Adoption (-: But also really liked "Born in our Hearts" and "Becoming a Family" for attachment books...the website attach China is also great - most of the kids home from there are 14 months plus, so lots of good attachment activities etc for a toddler.

Good luck!

[JJemail1]

Thanks so much everyone--this is really enlightening. Given what you've all said, do you think we would be wiser to transition sooner rather than later? The agency is leaving it up to us (so long as we meet their minimum of 4 visits (2 for a few hours, 1 day visit and 1 weekend). I'm starting to wonder if prolonging the inevitable will do him more harm than good???

[ocracoke]

Is it possible for your weekend visitation to roll right into your placement -- in other words the child would not need to leave your house once they arrive for the visit for the weekend?

Thinking back to when I was in a group home (age 7) and transitioning to my adoptive family -- my first overnight was when I moved in with them. I had day time visits prior to that. I probably would have thrown a fit if they had returned me to the group home after an overnight. And I know it would have caused some major trust issues (always questioning if they would return me again).

Samantha

[JJemail1]

Really great suggestion, Samantha! Thanks! Given we're doing four times the required visits--and given we're driving 2 hours away for such visits-- I'm sure they'd let us go ahead and move him in instead of doing an interim weekend visit. Again, great suggestion and something to discuss with the caseworker to get our ducks in a row ASAP.

[buttascotchbaby]

I have been following this thread with interest. I'm not sure hnow much help my 2 cents is but as a foster parent I have ddealt with many different ideas on transition. One experience is when a child is placed with me and there is no transition as they (usually) have been removed from an unsafe home and placed in my home. It IS amazing how resilient kids are, how quickly they adjust. However, there are no longitudenal (I know that is spelled wrong!) studies showing what, if any, ill effects there are on the child (just talking about foster care here!) coming into a home in that manner. I had a 4 month old placed with me who had a really hard time in the beginning, I believe. So many others thought that she "was only a baby" and wouldn't know any difference She had inconsolable crying jags where there was nothing I could do but sit with her or hold her until she cried herself to exhaustion. This went on for a few months and then she was "fine". What was really heartwretching was when, almost 2.5 years later, we began transitioning her back to her bio family. At first it was fun for her, like a little vacation, 'cause (of course) they just doted on her for the shorter visits, not a lot of discipline, structure, etc., like a vacation for her as the visits got longer (and this was over a period of months), overnights, then weekends, then, at the end she was with them 6 days a week and back home with us just one day. It got so hard! She would cling to me and turn her head away from bio mom when she would come to pick her up and just cry! Baby Girl was so confused since we were her family, the only family she had known for over 2 years. These other people (her bio family) were some fun people that she visited with for a couple of hours, a couple of times a week. At 2.5 y.o. I think she was at a terrible age: young enough to not be able to have it explained to her what was going on but old enough to realize this was a big change.

Sooo, from all of that experience, my advice would probably be along the lines of the PP "tearing the bandaid off". A short transition and just get the little one in their new, permanent home to start their life.

Just my experiences and my opinion Good luck and I hope it all works out!

[DianeS]

JJ - I see you addressing the number of visits, but not what you're doing in those visits. Remember that for a toddler adoption, one of your main focus points during a visit should be learning what the child needs from you, and learning how to provide it.

That means learning his favorite foods and how to prepare them, learning his routines and how to do them, learning the names of all the things he emotionally needs to be comfortable (blanket, stuffed animal, etc), etc.

Routines and knowing what to expect are very important for a child this age. If his foster mom makes Kraft mac and cheese, you can't use the generic and expect the same response. If foster mom uses bubble bath with a particular scent, you can't change the scent and expect the bath to calm him the same way. If she starts brushing his teeth on the right and then moves to the left, you need to know that. And so on.

It may have been Toddler Adoption, or it may have been somewhere else, but I've read a very good plan for transitioning a toddler in a few visits. The first visit is just a visit - you watch and learn. The second time the foster mom "needs" to do something important near the end of the child's routine for something - and she asks you to step in. She stays nearby, maybe even in the room, while you finish the child's routine. The third time she just barely begins the routine, and asks you to take over, and she leaves. The fourth time you do everything, while she's completely gone.

Those times can be close together, or far apart. That part is often dictated by how far you have to travel for visits. In fact, sometimes more than one step can be accomplished in one visit - if you learn breakfast and the lunch routine is the same, you could do the end of lunch. If you watch naptime and the nighttime routine is the same, you can finish the night routine. Etc.

If the child reacts badly to one step, you call a halt immediately, back up to the step before, and then add in some baby steps between that comfortable step and the one the child had trouble with.

Once you've done all those steps with each of the child's major routines (bed, bath, food, transition, etc), the child visits your home for a few hours to play and do at least one routine (eating is usually the easiest). Then a bit later the child returns and spends the night. After the overnight the child returns to the foster family for one short visit, and then moves to your home permanently. (The reason for visiting the foster home one more time after the first overnight is so that he does not associate sleeping overnight with a permanent move. If you skip this step you can easily wind up with a child who freaks if you try to have him sleep anywhere but at home, and who freaks if anyone but you puts him to bed. So that would mean no evening activites leaving him with a babysitter, no family visits to relatives homes, etc. The visit back to the foster home can be as short as a handful of hours, but it is important.)

Then, if at all possible, the foster family waits a couple weeks, then comes to your home for a visit. They stay positive and upbeat, bring no presents, spend no time alone with him, but can play with him and the family, and hug him and kiss him and wish him well.

I hope this helps!

[JJemail1]

Thanks so much, everyone. All of your posts are so helpful. Dianne, I really appreciated the detail you went into and, you're right, I do really need to learn and participate in all of these things. Thanks so much for that insight. I'm still feeling the foster parent out. She seems very experienced (13 years fostering) and willing to help us transition but, at the same time, I have noted some behaivor that was counterproductive (like physically showing us how jealous the little boy gets and how he says, "No, that's MY mommy" when she hugs her older daughter. I realize she thought it was funny but...sigh...I hope that was a one-time thing as I know she'll need to help him perhaps more than we can to feel comfortable going with us. Anyway, one thing that's clear is that we have a lot to do, learn and prepare for!

[Jensboys]

I also think, which hasnt been mentioned, that ALOT Of the transition happens IN the foster home while you are not present. I would provide foster mom a photo book of your family that she can read to him, and talk with him about the move - going over it daily if at all possible. I would also provide a video that shows your house, pets, his bedroom etc that can be shown to him daily.

foster mom, if you can get her onside, will be your greatest resource and the biggest influence as to whether or not the transition goes well. It is HARD on the kiddo, no doubt, but having that positive relationship is really, really important.

[ScrapMonkey]

I hated that book.

We are working on "transitioning" a 4yo to relatives out of state. We call them once a week, we view pictures every day, we started out calling them by their names, now they are Mommy Name and Daddy Name and eventually they will be Your Mommy and Daddy. He also sees a baby foster sibling going to visits with her bio parents, so he has some concept that she has other parents, not just us. He is understanding that about himself which is important because he's been with us for 2 years.

Our foster son loves to carry photos of his new room, his new swingset and his new dogs. He shows them to everyone. But all that is work *I* am doing, they are clear across the country. But given the circumstances, it's the best we can do. And I believe he's going to be okay more quickly that not having any photos, phone calls, etc.

As a foster/adopt parent, none of our kids have transitioned into our home. If you can transition, it's best for the child and I am envious! It's so much more than any of my kids have ever gotten.

Good luck!!

[JJemail1]

Thanks everyone! Yes, we've already made a pretty elaborate album with pictures of us (me, husband, daughter), rooms of our house, our cars, our dog...we even built a bear with our voices on it...and are working on a DVD.

Unfortunately, my friend talked me out of taking it because she said it was over the top and would scare the foster mom into adopting the child herself....(?) which I know is not unheard of but I don't think is applicable in my case. I don't know why I let her give me cold feet--I'll definitely bring it next time.

Thanks, everyone for your input. This is extremely helpful to me and I appreciate your time and experience very much.

Jennifer