[mkviola]

We've always said we would go to the hospital after TPR, because we never would want to take away that bonding time or inadvertently put any type of pressure on the new mother. (Just a personal decision~ no judgement whatsoever on others who do not feel that way.) Well, we just found out today that the expectant mother who has chosen us if she places her baby, wants us at the hospital when she gives birth. I feel unsure, but her wishes are obviously very important to us. We will go since she asked us, but I can't help but worry that her decision will be affected by our presence.

On a positive note, we finally talked to the emom today. It was very good to hear her voice. It's about a 17 hour drive (yes, we are driving!), so we will probably leave early on Nov. 10th (unless emom goes into labor earlier). We are starting to let ourselves become excited...

[loveajax]

Melissa, good luck!!!

I was present for my DD's birth (and her birth mom asked that I, not DH, be in the room). Honestly, it was really beautiful and I love showing my DD pix from that time. I think all moms are different....it was really important to DD's birth mom (she said) that she see us with the baby, make sure we knew how to take care of her (! she was a mom already, and i was clueless), etc. So I think her wishes are important.

It's extremely, extremely emotional. I can't begin to describe how you can feel so joyful and so sad at the same time. Even though we were present for my DD's birth, DD was alone with her birth mom pretty much until she was discharged (though we visited the day after she was born for a while).

The other thing is that of course things can change (and to be aware that some hospitals are "rude" -- either to a parents, b parents or both....you may want to reach out to the hospital's SW ahead of time).

The 10th is coming quick! Thinking of you!

[mkviola]

Thank you for your advice, Karen! I do know our SW down there will be at the hospital, too. It's definitely a lot to take in and think about.

[binkybear]

how exciting!! It's funny how we plan and then plans change according to another plan, at least it's all good stuff!! We always said we were excited, but grounded. Driving 17 hours too!! Wow, you're good I'd be a jumping bean in the seat

B's match happened super super fast, we had only days. We made it crystal clear that emom was in charge, that we would be there if she wanted us to be and if we got to the hospital and she decided she didn't want us there then we would be 100% fine with that. I made sure she knew I wasn't just saying anything to be nice, polite or whatever...I wanted for her to know she couldn't make a "wrong decision" and shouldn't be worried about our feelings...we were fine with what she wanted in the hospital, it was her time.
Knowing that she was really adamant about us being there in the hospital (we were not in the room for B's birth and honestly I was really ok with that!) and we were for those 3 days... pretty much from 9-9 each day we were in one room and emom in another. We visited her and B together, we visited her without B, and we had our own alone time with B in our room and she did in her room. She was 100% in control of when she wanted to be with B, without question. But she wanted for him to bond with us and she said over and over again how happy she was that we were there the whole time. I think it meant a lot for her to personally witness our instant dedication to her son especially given how quickly it all played out. Personally I'm glad we had that time with her too.

I think it's somthing that should always be "unknown" more than a definite, for everyone. And as long as aparents are flexible going into the hospital then I see it as a positive overall.

[mkviola]

Originally Posted by binkybear

how exciting!! It's funny how we plan and then plans change according to another plan, at least it's all good stuff!! We always said we were excited, but grounded. Driving 17 hours too!! Wow, you're good I'd be a jumping bean in the seat

B's match happened super super fast, we had only days. We made it crystal clear that emom was in charge, that we would be there if she wanted us to be and if we got to the hospital and she decided she didn't want us there then we would be 100% fine with that. I made sure she knew I wasn't just saying anything to be nice, polite or whatever...I wanted for her to know she couldn't make a "wrong decision" and shouldn't be worried about our feelings...we were fine with what she wanted in the hospital, it was her time.
Knowing that she was really adamant about us being there in the hospital (we were not in the room for B's birth and honestly I was really ok with that!) and we were for those 3 days... pretty much from 9-9 each day we were in one room and emom in another. We visited her and B together, we visited her without B, and we had our own alone time with B in our room and she did in her room. She was 100% in control of when she wanted to be with B, without question. But she wanted for him to bond with us and she said over and over again how happy she was that we were there the whole time. I think it meant a lot for her to personally witness our instant dedication to her son especially given how quickly it all played out. Personally I'm glad we had that time with her too.

I think it's somthing that should always be "unknown" more than a definite, for everyone. And as long as aparents are flexible going into the hospital then I see it as a positive overall.

Great advice! That is very true that it's good to keep it unknown, rather than a definite. Thank you!!!

[KLL08]

We were asked to be at the hospital, and not just be at the birth, but she asked me to stay the night with her too because her family wasn't in town. I will second what loveajax said about it being emotional. I still have a hard time describing the conflicting emotions I felt while there. I loved every moment I got to spend with both of them in the hospital, I journaled when we got home every detail of the stories she shared of her family, growing up, her dreams for S, etc. I'm sure I forgot somethings due to sleep deprivation, but it's there for S when she is old enough to want it. We have an open adoption and at our last visit I asked her how she felt with me there because I was afraid I had taken time from her to just be with S. She just said that she wanted S to know me when we left the hospital and she couldn't care for her those first few days while she was recovering, and she loved seeing us with S, it was very healing and relieving for her to see how much we loved S.

I'm so excited for your family!! It's going to be here so soon

[portlowski]

My son's b parents S and J told us they did not want us to come to the hospital and that was their time. We totally understood. Then 3 days after meeting them, S went into labor 6 weeks early and her mom called me from the hospital and said, "they want you to come." It was a whirlwind. DS couldn't go because he was in a sold out play and it was 2 weeks bepfre Christmas and his understudy was 300 miles away spending Xmas with his family. So I had to go alone...I walked into a room where I was greeted by S and J, S's mom and dad and sister and brother, also her grandmother and aunt and 2 cousins! I did not attend the birth because J was there and it was a C-section. So I spent 8 hours in the waiting room getting to know her wonderful family. They came over for dinner the other night and we laughed about how shell-shocked I was walking alone into that clan of chatty, funny extroverted family!

My experience was more surreal than emotional...I EXPECTED emotion but I was buffered by a lot of people. Many women who place children do not have the support network that S has so thier stories are very different. I was glad I got to be there but I didn't spend that much time with S or DS. I spent most of it with everyone else in the waiting room, as part of that network of support which felt like the right place for me to be.

[Waiting_for_my_baby]

I'm so glad you got to talk to her Melissa & that the conversation went great! We are getting close to our emom, I even went to a dr. appointment with her the other day. I kept telling myself before hand not to cry and look like a crazy woman, lol! I did do really good! She has mentioned us being there for the birth, so if she wants us there we will be there. Just taking it day by day.

[devildogwife]

You're leaving on Cameron's birthday. May you not have a day like his first.

We were with his birth mom in the hospital. Her family was really unsupportive and she would have been alone otherwise. Like Port, it was more surreal for us. However, it became super emotional when we found out about Cameron's heart defect. I think (and hope) that we were really able to support her. Being with her is something we'll never forget and the pictures of her with Cameron are priceless.

[karaboo]

Congratulations and best wishes!

[mkviola]

It has truly helped to hear your stories. Thank you so much! DDWife, I can't believe Cameron will be 2! Waiting, I'm so glad you are forming a relationship with emom.

I can't believe how quickly this is coming up, either. She's feeling the baby "drop", so part of me wonders if she may even go earlier than the 11th. We will see. Thank you all so much for your support!

[cassady]

My son's birthmother wanted me in the room with her. It was an amazing experience and one that she wanted me to have. She also wanted to help facilitate the bonding between me and the baby. She made sure that I was the first to hold him and that my husband and I were the ones caring for him from the get go. I think that it is a choice that all birthmothers need to make and you should just go along with whatever the emother wants, knowing that things can change. I will always be grateful to our son's birthmom for making us feel so comfortable and welcome in the hospital. Good luck to you!

[PersianMama]

I'm so excited for you! Where in Louisiana is the baby going to be born? I may have some tips for you about where to stay, shop, and eat

[mkviola]

Thank you, Cassady! We are definitely going to do whatever emom wishes.

Persian, same agency, but this is out of the MS office. We are still hoping to make a trip over to NO (once ICPC clears or even when we come back to finalize), though... advice would be appreciated!!! Any advice on MS, along the gulf??? We are leaning toward staying in the Residence Inn in Gulfport (even though it's a bit of a distance from the hospital), just because our stay could be long and DH really needs computer access for work.

This is the first I've felt this way (for whatever reason, didn't feel as excited with the other two situations this summer). I'm so excited that I woke up at 3:30 this morning and can't get back to sleep!!!

[lotsa_love_2give]

Melissa,
I am so excited for you, dh and M!

M's bmom wanted us at the hospital (if we wanted to, no pressure) but she wanted to be alone during delivery. It was SO emotional, yet SOOOOOO much of a bonding for all of us. We never stayed in her room for too long of periods. Bmom had second thoughts about keeping the adoption mostly closed, so I'm glad we were there to be able to discuss in person how open she wants the adoption.

Our goodbye day came and it was SO hard on both of us. I broke down after bmom left the hospital, and had an extremely hard couple of days. I still have a heavy heart when I think about M's bmom and what she is going through. I do love her very much and feel blessed to have been able to bond with her during the hospital stay.

My advice is always the same...


Be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions, all adoptions have them, but there is so much more when you are actually at the hospital.

Be completely honest with emom about what you're willing to do. It's different saying it over the phone to a SW and saying it face to face with Emom.

Keep an ear open for rudeness! Most hospitals have nurses who have no filter from their brains to their mouths. L & M's bmoms had at least one nurse that belittled them or asked questions that were NONE of their business. No hospital staff (with exception of the SW) have any business talking about the potential adoption, period. We had to talk to the DON over the OB floor bc of this.

We told bmom from the first time we met that we would not discuss any aspect of adoption at the hospital unless she had questions or brought it up herself. We used it as a bonding time, and gave her lots of time to herself, but she knew we were there if she needed us.

Good luck on everything! Our trip was 10.5 hours and L watched Wiggles the WHOLE WAY! LOL.