[Stormster]

Sounds good (if not ideal) and great he's with loving relatives!

I met a couple recently who adopted 7 year old twin boys and they are thriving and attaching!

I think it's because they were with their grandparents who took them temporarily when their parents died so they wouldn't have to go into foster care. I know every family can't do this of course. They now see their grandparents regularly.

Will it be an open adoption with the relatives he lives with now? Only share that if you want to!

[Krispy]

Yes, it will be an open adoption as we believe it takes a village and the current home is safe. We can't do anything different as the current home has his siblings. FP are in their 60's and didn't feel like they could care for a 3 year old.

[meghann]

I have zero good advice, but wanted to chime in with congratulations!

[Barksum]

Congrats!

We transitioned 4 toddlers (4 separate children, separate adoptions). One was a longer transition, over a couple of weeks. This actually was more traumatic for our Ds, but we didn't know that until later. He was confused by coming to our house, then being dropped back off at his FM's house, then back and forth again. He was especially confused since we'd done things 'by the book' and had sent photos, etc., and the FM had been calling us 'Mommy' and 'Daddy' and telling Ds all about his new family that he was going to live with. Then he came...and we took him back again! Who knew this would turn out this way for him? But he remembers it as being very sad. We were trying to be attentive to his needs, but for him I think a quicker transition would have been more beneficial. Perhaps.

The other kids were transitioned almost overnight. Literally. We met two of them one day, then picked each of them up the next and left. (Different kids, different times, different adoptions, but it worked out that the 'transition' was pretty much overnight.) The other child we met one day, visited the next, then brought them home the a.m. of the 3rd day.

I can't tell you that ANY of our kids' transitions were less/more traumatic, although perhaps the longer one was too long. They're all painful because the child is leaving a home where they have (presumably) felt secure, so you just have to work through that.

I did find that having a particular item (teddy bear, blanket...whatever is special to them) and not washing it so that the smell was familiar was helpful. I know for a certainty that this makes a difference. Even if the child doesn't have a special blanket, see about purchasing one and having the FM wash it with his clothes at her house so that the FM's house-smell is on that blanket. Then tuck your Ds up at night with that blanket. Even if they don't need it as a 'security blanket', having that blanket with the smell will be a comfort.

Find out what kinds of foods the foster family regularly eats. Some kids aren't as picky about food, but having something that is familiar even if it isn't something they long for is nice.

Check to see if they have a favorite TV program or video. We don't get cable or satellite (shocking, I know!) so we tried to get vids of the kids fave shows. We did find that music brought about strong responses in our kids and they liked certain kinds or particular songs. Also ask about any favorite books.

I second Crick's suggestion about the bottle. Sounds odd to some, but going back a step or two at this time can be very beneficial. If you can't do a bottle, maybe a sippy with one of those soft lids. Even a hard lid sippy will work. Rocking and working on making eye contact while bottle feeding can go quite a long ways to working on attachment and bonding for both of you.

My other hard earned advice is to clear the calendar and do as little as you can for the next two months - or longer, as long as you can - after your Ds comes home. I know it's the holidays...but that makes it that much more important to stick to a small social circle for now. Everyone will want to hold your new son, or hug and cuddle with him. Try to limit that as much as possible. You need to the one to meet his needs and hold and snuggle him. You will likely get some weird looks and comments about the nervous mother syndrome or something, but I'm serious as a heart attack about this! LOL Passing him around at a party (even with 'just family') may seem like a great way to meet everyone, but this can have some pretty negative results for the next few days...or few weeks, depending on the child.

While you are clearing your calendar of outside appts, make some 'dates' with your kids and Dh. They don't even have to be dates where you leave the house, even, but just a little segment of time devoted to each of them. These were sometimes very little segments of time, depending on how many kids I already had at home when we were transitioning the new child! LOL Still, reading a picture book, having a quick snack together, discussing some important bit of the day, whatever it is that gives you a chance to connect with them individually. On the other hand, don't get paranoid about it. Doing group things as a family is also important. My kids all like having tea parties with me. As a group, all of us would have Tea together. Little crustless sandwiches, tea in really tiny cups that came with the tea set, the whole nine yards. Even the boys. LOL Whatever it is that makes your kids feel special and loved. It's kind of a fine line and everyone just has to sort of shuffle and make it work.

Do try to restrain yourself from buying tons of things (clothes, toys, furniture, whatever) right away. Low key, simple, not a lot of whoop-la is best. Sounds mean and Scrooge-ish, but it isn't. Focus on being a family and sticking to your routines.

[thelowlanders]

Congrats!

And great advice everyone