[chocolatekiss]

I was contacted by my daughter's BirthMom a few months ago on a search site. She wants to meet my daughter and I told her I was going to give my daughter the info and she would make the determination to contact when she was ready.
My daughter is very independent and presents as a rather unattached person generally and this information exploded in a angry confrontation as to how she feels I have parented her without regard for her feelings and my general "overprotectiveness".
As you can all imagine, I am hurt, angry and devastated. I know my daughter is going through the typical separation issues of young adulthood but find very few resources for adoptive mothers of children this age. Can anyone out there address this?
I would be so grateful!

[zxczxcasdasd]

Oh honey, I'm sorry this is such a hard time. This is not in anyway said dismissively, I only mean it as an assurance, that people have been in that situation, and you will survive.

My son was 18 when he reconnected with his birth mother, only it was he who wanted to initiate the contact at that time. Luckily, we were past the worst of teenage rebellion, but I know if it had come a couple years earlier, I would have been in for a MUCH bumpier time.

Even with teen anger behind him, those first few weeks and months were HARD. I cried and cried and hurt and hurt-- not because I felt that my child had done anything wrong in wanting contact, but just because it hurt- and who can even put into words all the reasons why.

I know partly, I didn't really grieve the fact that I wasn't "it" for him, the only mother that ever was, until that time. Coming face to face with the fact that my son was not born to me, and no amount of wishing, hoping, loving, praying, or mothering could ever make me the woman who brought him into the world, and that was an honor that only she got and there is nothing I can do to earn that for myself, (sorry becoming a run-on here) just cut me to my very core.

It was also scary- very scary- not knowing how what would happen to our family, how things might change between us depending on how he reacted to the contact and how that relationship developed. I feared somewhat of a "divorce" dynamic where the child now divides their time between 2 families for important occasions and holidays. I hurt so bad thinking of losing that feeling of being THE mom, the only mom at those times, much like I imagine when there is a new parental figure (like a stepparent) who suddenly steps into a role that before you alone had occupied. I didn't know how meeting her would change his view of me.

So many fears and so many hurts...

But on the flip side, I am so glad that it all happened. I HAD to go through that to be at peace with who I am to, and for, my son and myself. I had to face that reality and come through it to be truly secure in my role and my sense of self and my own motherhood.

I would advise counseling with an adoption pro, if you can afford it. I would advise claiming hugs and shoulders to cry on from your best friends (not too much your family, or things might begin to "divide" and cause lasting issues), but after those times of tears and fears, to tell yourself that because you are her mother, you can stay strong for her to be her support, her safe place to come and her soft place to fall as she goes through this.

Ultimately my son and I are even closer, even more secure and even more affectionate after his reunion than we were before. He has clarity and answers that I know he needed and could only get from having that contact. I know that whatever they build between them is completely up to them and not to me and that it truly has no effect on the quality of my relationship with my son- as that is something that happens purely between us. How I mother is completely up to me, and no one can take that from me, except myself by ceasing to do it.

If you ever feel close to blowing- PM me instead of blowing up on your daughter (not that you would, I'm just saying I know I wasn't perfect and a few "steam vents" escaped when I was still really struggling).

See if you can find a triad support group near you too, the more you can talk to people who've been through it the more assurance you'll feel. It's hard when family and friends either say your child is being horrible for wanting to reunite or that you're crazy to feel hurt or scared- neither of those are true and you need to find people who understand that.

[swd]

I haven't BTDT, but I wanted to send you hugs and to say that 19 was one of my WORST ages for my parents. Forget 15 -- 13 was bad, 16-17 were just nerve-wracking, and 19 was all-out B**** mode for me. I can remember some of the awful things I said to my mom at that age, and I still cringe.

I can only imagine it's magnified b/c it is such an emotionally-charged topic. Offer her someone (professional) to talk to, your shoulder, and whatever support she needs, and let it go. Get yourself some support if you need, too. It has to be one of the hardest things to navigate, but as long as she knows you're always on her side, she'll come back around eventually.

And I'll remind you of the same thing all the moms of toddlers are telling me as my son hits the Terrible Twos -- they lash out at those they are closest to, b/c they're the people they feel safest with. That's why mommy's always the emotional punching bag, b/c they know you're not going anywhere! I think that's important to remember at any age.

[greenbottles]

I wonder if she was hurt that her first mother made contact through you rather than directly to her - which at 19 I believe the first mother should have done.

[chocolatekiss]

Thank you so much for your kind reply. You put into words feelings that I simply couldn't articulate. I re-read your post just to start my day. Things are quiet now. I have no idea what she is going to do and I think it's best right now to give it a rest.
I just had to say thank you.