[bevy]

I am not even sure what to think right now but mostly I just feel devistated that my little girl has quit gymnastics. I feel like this because I feel so bad that she finally said to daddy, "mommy makes me feel like I have to go"! She started in competative stream last year, in grade 1. It is a big committment at such a young age but up until this year, she was loving it.
This year, she has been dragging her butt and not really into going after school but I ignored her because she always would go and not complain once she was there.
I dont want to raise a quitter but how far does a parent go before their child screams, I hate it!!!??? She wasnt there, but almost. I asked her how she feels about gymnastics right now and she said out of 10, ZERO. Zero, meaning she hates it.
She wrote a thank-you and a quit letter to her coach. I talked to her coach on the phone. What did I do??? Start crying Seriously, what is that all about???

Totally just venting here...

Tara

[GAMOM75]

Such a tough situation. I am one of those mom's. In my opinon forcing and pushing are two different things. My daughter plays soccer. Has since she was 6. At 9 she had a really bad coach at the end of the season cried and said she wanted to quit. She is a very gifted soccer player and I did not want this one bad experience to ruin it for her. So I told her she had to play one more year and if she did not like it she could quit. She cried about it.Well she played that year, made tons of friends and at the end of the year thanked me for "pushing" her. 3 years later she is still playing, for herself now and just found out last week that she made the state olympic development program which is a feeder system for the us national team. She could not have been more thrilled. I sometimes think as parents it is our job to recongize our childs strenghts and encourage them along that path. Of course, she use to dance and do gymnastics and she did quit those. Is there anything else she wants to do instead?

[Linny]

When I was a little kid, I wanted to take dancing lessons in the WORST way. ( There was no way my parents could afford it at the time.) So much so, I copied every dance movement I could (as did my older sister). I became pretty darn good with modern dancing; enough that I surprised my school PE instructors who thought I'd had professional training as a kid in ballet and modern dance. ")

Sooo, when our first daughter was old enough to enter into dance training....I was excited we could afford it. She seemed to really like it; I felt it gave her a lot of good life lessons, as well as good training in skills and self-esteem, etc. At the end of the first session...she needed to sign up again if she wanted to continue. I gave her the choice...she said she really didn't want to do it again and I---WAS----shocked and upset! How COULD she? It was hers for the taking and she TURNED IT DOWN!?!?!?!?!?! Yes, she did.

I learned a good lesson about myself then. I looked to find that *I* was trying to live those years of 'wanting dance lessons' through her. I had to look at the fact---that at least for me-----I was considering what *I* wanted; not her. I got over it...though.

I"m not sure if this is where you're at; but I also see/hear/know many parents who feel their child/ren have/need to be in *something athletic*.....especially when it comes to the competitive part. Sometimes I'm not so sure elementary aged kids are fully ready to embark on things to such a level. Each kid is different; and maybe your daughter is trying to tell you this just isn't her thing. Does it have to be? Maybe too, she really just wanted to have fun with what she was doing, rather than compete.
I think by many of today's parents/kids....it SEEMS like there has to be such deep involvment with ANY activity; or the child seems.........just....normal...plain?
I'm NOT saying this is what/where *you* are with all of this, but I know it could be VERY easy to find oneself as being 'like this' because society seem to expect it from 'good parents', KWIM?

To me...if she's not into it...that's not such a bad thing? She's had a taste of it...and had the opportunity to try. She tried and decided it wasn't for her. That's saying a lot for a young child, IMO. Better this, than continuing with something she disliked so much, she grew to hate it. (And we've all read about kids who felt they were forced into sports/activities they really, really hated over time!)

I think you did the right thing to make her write a letter to her coach and go about it all in the polite way; but I wouldn't let it bother you too much. She's young....she needs time to 'just be'. And, after all, giving her the freedom to choose as you have, may make her re-consider what she truly enjoys and enlists into these activities again.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Amber76]

We have a rule in our house that once you sign up for something, you must complete the season/session you signed up for. Beyond that, at the end of each season/session I give the kids the option to decide if they want to sign up again or let it go. I feel like this teaches them not to be a quitter and let down a team or group they signed on with but also gives them an "out" if it turns out that whatever it is isn't their thing. For instance, Drew joined band in 5th grade and played through the 6th grade. After that, he decided it wasn't for him, so he quit. Tony played one season of basketball and decided he didn't like it that much so he switched to wrestling.

I think it's good that you are letting DD take a break from gymnastics if that is what she wants. Who knows, maybe after a few weeks/months away she will decide she misses it and ask to go back. I know sometimes I need a break from things or I get burnt out so maybe that's where your DD is.

[Hadley2]

Competitive is a completely different world from recreational. Recreational is for fun and fitness. Competitive is not. Competitive is competitive, even among "team" members.

Your daughter may want to go back to recreational or she may just be done with gym and be ready to start something else. There doesn't have to be any deep, dark reason behind it, just a natural shift away from something she feels done with. I think younger children especially should get exposure to many different types of activities and migrate toward those they like.

Our dd1 was in competitive gym for over seven years. There were many pluses, there were many minuses. Competitive gym and ice skating are by far the toughest and most demanding sports--physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and time-wise--for young children. Personally, I think a child has to be insisting on going and showing that they are pushing themselves as much as possible in conditioning and skill building to justify the potential cost to themselves. If not, they will get injured and they will get put down and dismissed by coaches and team mates. Even those who have everything--overwhelming commitment, an intelligent ability to take instruction, fast twitch muscle, core and limb strength, flexibility, low center of gravity, body consciousness, and great time management skills--can be overcome by it. It just is not an easy world and it only gets harder as the age up.

Watching practices and meets used to take my breath away with amazement. To see your child fly is incredible. It also broke my heart because I knew what every child had to do to get there.

Speaking as a gym mom and a mom, if your daughter is ready to move on, I would let her.

It doesn't have to be the end of athletics. Seasonal district sports--soccer, bball, softball, etc.--are very different from competitive gym and she may enjoy them. Hip hop and jazz dance classes are also always happy to have students with gym background. In our region, circus school is big, too (if you have a Waldorf school nearby, that may be your source for that).

Good luck to her and to you. Growing up with our kids is so hard sometimes!

[yehudit]

I'm with Amber. Make them finish the season/session/committment, then let them decide.

To the OP: do you think it mnight have made a difference that she went from gymnastics lessons to competitive gymnastics? That would really take the fun out of it for me. Some people like to do stuff for fun but don't much like to compete, even if they are good at it. And in 1st grade they are still very young for all that.

I hope you are proud of yourself for listening to your child.

Best,

[BethVA62]

My mom went overboard with our sports and activities. While I think it made me a very well rounded person, I hated most of it then and now LOL I know it was more about what she wanted for us, than what we wanted, which isn't always a bad thing.

The good points were that now if an opportunity presents itself, it's no problem to me, I have great confidence where ever I go. I played every seasonal sport thru high school. I started with ballet and moved thru all the classes, gymnastics, tap, jazz, majorette.... I can play tennis with the best of them, kick butt at golf, play basketball and baseball with my kids and sometimes win or offer helpful hints, help the girls with cheers, go ballroom dancing with my hubby, horseback riding with my girlfriends, water and snow skiing, mountain climbing and surviving the wilderness, ohhhh and my etiquette, cooking, table setting, and event planning etc. should be impeccable from all the oh so boring classes I suffered thru LOL I feel like I have missed something.... OH! I can play the piano, guitar, sax, violin and flute and sing good enough if I'm ever asked to entertain, but master of none. I'm a dead eye at archery and riflery.
And all the art lessons... didn't mind the art lessons at all, loved them all and begged for more, especially the airbrush and auto painting courses which led me to a very fullfilling career. Oh, and photography, sewing and can't forget Drama club, science club, bridge club, brownie and girl scouts... I know there are more.
swim and diving teams!.. how could I forget that...must have blocked the trauma out LOL still terrified of deep cold water. Ice skating lessons... this could be neverending, I keep thinking of more, and it's beginning to freak me out a litle bit listing them like this LOL

All I can think now is...how in the world did my mom do this, with all three of us, and we had to choose two activities each go around. And in the summer we were gone most of the day with full time activites, many times out of state for weeks.... all the summer camps....

Let me tell ya something about summer spend the night camps, especially with kids 10 and older, it's where I learned to smoke, drink, cuss, lie and kiss boys... we were free to do anything, and our counselors were teenagers... think twice this summer LOL

It couldnt' have been easy, and my Mom and Dad worked full time away from home, we all fought going often. She did have a maid/nanny to help, and was really good at setting up carpools, but still, makes me tired thinking about it.

The bad points, I didn't marry the governor, so much of this was a huge waste of my time LOL

I feel like I was stressed out and tired my entire childhood.

I think it led me to obtain 7 different associates degrees that I will never use. I have a very hard time choosing one thing. Jack of all trades, master of none.

My knees, shoulders, elbows, hands, ankles and hips hurt so bad from all the over working and sports injuries I can barely stand it sometimes. Doc says I am in line for all sorts of replacements.

Me and my brothers had more fun playing outside together, we only saw each other on the school bus and every now and then we got to lay on the floor on sat. mornings eating pop tarts and watching cartoons. Spending time alone with one of my parents or both was very rare, unless one of them was driving me somewhere.
Everyone was so busy there wasn't much time to get to know each other and hang out like my family does. It was always an air of deadly competition in our house when I was a kid.

Of course I went the opposite with mine, they could choose one thing if they were interested in it, but they had to finish it unless there was a good reason not to.
I discouraged them both from playing team sports, we play together tho and they with their friends. My son will try out for varsity basketball soon, becasue he is really good (darnit) his choice and he can't back out til the season is over. (I say that now, but the first time he comes to me with problems... Quit! is probably the first thing I'll say!) I just hope he doesn't get hurt or pick up some of those sneaky things that come up when you are hanging out with the boys on your ball team.
I don't believe in allowing kids to be lazy, but dang there must be a happy medium.

[Cjmeck]

Wow, I don't know what to say... Only that I am in the same position with my son. He has always been super atheletic and one of the best kids on his soccer team. Then, suddenly, in first grade, he started acting like your daughter. I sooo didn't want to be THAT parent. My dad was THAT parent and I refused to push my kid like that. So, I made him finish the season (he started it, he had to support his team and complete the season) but we didn't sign him up for the 2nd grade season. Everyone around us was shocked that he would just quit, as good as he was. But now, looking back, I think part of the problem was that things always came really easy for him. He didn't have to try hard to be good. But in that particular season, the other boys were catching up with him in skill level and it became a challenge. I guess he felt such pressure that it became too much. It wasn't fun anymore--it was work. I hate raising a quitter too. Drives me insane. We've taken the past year off sports and focused on non-competitive activities instead. We've really let him lead and now he's decided he wants to play basketball. If I had to really examine my responsibilty in the situation (well, honestly DH's) I think too much fuss was made about him "playing his best". We should have just said, go have fun But my son is such a perfectionist that he's super hard on himself too so its hard to know what caused this. We're stepping back now and letting him lead the way with basketball.

[crick]

I am really amazed that the "I hate raising a quitter" or "I don't want to raise a quitter" is so embedded into this especially at the ages of the kids being discussed overall. A 6 year old not wanting to continue on with a sport that she hates does not mean she's a quitter.

For most kids, this age is all about really finding out what they like and what they want to participate in. Us parents are the ones that make the decisions for them at say age 3-4 when signing them up for something. Is it so awful that a few years later they decide "hmm..this isn't really what I like and I want to do something else"?

There's a big difference between not teaching a child about commitment and finishing out a season etc. and teaching them if they don't like something, they should just quit.

Personally unless a child is truly gifted or just truly dedicated in their sport, I think competitive sports should wait until they are a bit older. It's the fastest way to burn out on it, imo.

[momraine]

Mine need to finish out a season. I do talk to them about things before I sign them up. Most of the things for kids that age have a relatively short season. For something like dance, I would say you have to stay until Christmas break or maybe Thanksgiving. I also make them pick one major activity at a time (plus we have church stuff). My older boys did not find anything they liked when they were younger, so we did one season of soccer, one of baseball, one of swim team, etc. Now in high school they are finding things they like. DD found dance early and it's her passion, and so she is now doing it three days a week. But, it's her choice. One of my boys also enjoys dance, but he is not passionate about it so he does one day a week.

[Cjmeck]

Originally Posted by crick

It's the fastest way to burn out on it, imo.

I think this is what I was trying to say. I wonder if my son just burned out on it. I mean, its hard when you have a child who loves the sport, is really good at it, wants to play, all of his friends play so its a big part of his life. You don't want him to burn out, but at first, he loves it. I don't know how a parent can prevent that if this is something the child wants to do, you know?
As far as raising a quitter... I think what I was trying to say, is that I don't want to ENCOURAGE my son to give up on something because its suddenly become more challenging. Its a fine line, and I agree a young age.

[crick]

Thanks Cj...I do get that! The phrase of quitter just threw me a bit.

I think rec sports tend to keep kids interested for longer and it's just my personal belief that the earlier kids start competitive, the less they stay interested in it. That's just based on things I see and hear.

I think competitive sports are great..don't get me wrong. My dd is 11 and will begin her first season of competitive bb next week. I hope she is up to the task because it's going to be a huge adjustment for her after playing rec ball since 2nd grade.

[loveajax]

Bevy, if it makes you feel better, I feel the "opposite." DD did ballet all last year. I then signed her up for another school (I didn't like the last one) and her class was cancelled at the last minute. Then I signed her up for tap and that was cancelled too!

So for the fall, she has no "activity" for Mondays (my day off besides the weekends). I feel like I am "failing" her (she's 4 for gosh sakes).

Anyway, she seems to have just been enjoying our Mondays...going to the park or library or whatever. So I am trying not to stress too much.

I think it's OK to follow her lead. And you never know...after not doing it for a while, she may really miss it...or she will find another activity that she wants to try....Good luck!

[Cjmeck]

Originally Posted by crick

Thanks Cj...I do get that! The phrase of quitter just threw me a bit.

No, thanks for pointing that out My choice of words came out much harsher on the computer than I really felt. We have stuck with rec league stuff too b/c I agree, there is tons more pressure and time involvement in the more competitive leagues. However, I do think in some sports (soccer in particular) if you don't get involved with the competitive level early, it will be extremely hard to play catch up as the other kids will advance quicker. But, if a kid has raw natural talent, it probably won't matter if you wait. Then, in some towns (the ones I grew up in) sports are super political and have a status thing for the parents and its disgusting IMO.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by crick

I am really amazed that the "I hate raising a quitter" or "I don't want to raise a quitter" is so embedded into this especially at the ages of the kids being discussed overall. A 6 year old not wanting to continue on with a sport that she hates does not mean she's a quitter.

For most kids, this age is all about really finding out what they like and what they want to participate in. Us parents are the ones that make the decisions for them at say age 3-4 when signing them up for something. Is it so awful that a few years later they decide "hmm..this isn't really what I like and I want to do something else"?

There's a big difference between not teaching a child about commitment and finishing out a season etc. and teaching them if they don't like something, they should just quit.

Personally unless a child is truly gifted or just truly dedicated in their sport, I think competitive sports should wait until they are a bit older. It's the fastest way to burn out on it, imo.

Phew thanks! Just in time! Thread was freaking me out a little! This is very rational!