[KansasMomToBe]

Okay my Step-father and I are very close. So close that I asked that both he and my father walked me down the isle at my wedding. Through my infertility and decision to adopt he has been supportive. When our DS was born he was excited to hold him and put pictures on his desk at work.

Then when we found out about our DD he was no where? My mother told me that he was having a very stressful time at work. Although I found it odd, I believed her.

So after 4 months of ignoring me and my DD I finally confronted my step-father about the fact that he has not even looked at my DD since she was born. Well, it turns out that although he adores my hispanic DS, he does not approve of my AA/Caucasian DD! I am/was very upset and I really can't wrap my head around him not opening his heart to a sweet little baby.

So we have cut him out of our lives. My mother totally understands why we will no longer go to their house (which is a block from our home)and she is very upset at my step father. So now she comes over to my house almost every evening to see our kids. She's even talked about leaving my step father over his behavior. (My mother is in a very tough situation)

The rest of my family does not share in my fathers ignorance and are great to my kids. However, they are worried about the holidays and they don't want leave grandpa out of all the festivities. They seem to think that I should give in so that their kids can have a full family holiday and not be deprived of their grandfather.

I tried to tell them that I am protecting my DD, and that I do not want my daughter subjected to prejudice by her grandfather. They don't seem to understand, and show more concern about having to explain to their children that grandpa is prejudice (and what prejudice means).

Anyway I could go on and on about my feelings and how upsetting this is. But, the bottom line is I have to do what is best for my kids, my husband and I. IMO having someone in our lives that dislikes people based on their skin color is not a good person to have around any children. I wish my siblings felt the same way!

[Stormster]

I agree with your decision to cut step dad OUT, i'm so sorry he turned out to be a "jerk" I'm sure you were shocked and hurt beyond belief as you considered him a father....

That said, you can't expect everyone around you to cut him out. It's a huge thing to cut someone out of one's life, you have to want to do it for personal reasons.

In my mind you need to stand alone, and whoever joins you joins you and if not "screw em"

Good luck. You are a wonderful momma!

[mommytoEli]

wow. what a situation. i am sorry.

[peregrinerose]

We also had to deal with this situation, but as we knew we'd be adopting teenagers who will be very aware of racism, we had to nip it in the bud. My husband's parents are the racists, and we sat them down prior to even meeting kids, and told them the situation. We explained that we would not allow our children to be treated in a racist manner, and we would not allow racist comments to be made to or around our children. We told them that they would be welcome around our kids, but we would also defend our kids should that become necessary.

Unfortunately, THEY chose to sever the relationship with us completely. Although they claimed it was for reasons outside of race, considering that they did this shortly after our son (black/latino) joined our family, that probably was a factor.

Given that adopted kids may struggle with rejection issues, we made it very clear to our son that we love Chad's parents, they will always be in our hearts, they will always be welcome in our home should they change their minds. It made it obvious to him that no matter what, our love for the people we consider family is unconditional. We can love people with viewpoints we don't agree with. We can love people that hurt us. It made him feel safer as our son.

You may want to reconsider being the one that cuts the ties yourself.... that sets a precedent that may scare your kids when they are old enough to understand. Also, don't underestimate the power of people to change their views. We live in a very white community, and our son has approached racist comments in the school by twisting them around and making a joke out of it. Some of the kids known as racists are now his friends, and their views are very slowly changing with time. Our son's responses to a hard situation positively changed racist viewpoints. Give your daughter the chance to melt your step-dad's heart in person, and you may find a similar change happen as well.

Good luck.

[KansasMomToBe]

Oh I don't need my sibling approval to make this decision. I just can't believe that they think I should make and exception on holidays such as Christmas and act like there isn't a problem. (my brother even said it's not a big deal right now because DD is to young to know)

I've just told them that it is simple we will either celebrate holidays without him there, or my family will do our own thing, or go to my in-laws. I've taken my daughter over the last 4 months to see him and he barely looks at her and just glares and then he leaves the room. Why would I subject them to that.

I've cried tears over the loss of the man I thought my step father was. But, I do pray that someday he will have a epiphany and realize that he is wrong. If he were to call me and say that he has had a change of heart, I would be forgiving.

[KLL08]

I am so very sorry! I'm with you though, and we did the exact same thing for the first 9 months of S's life with a certain relative. When S was 12 days old I took her to visit and the person literally said "she's just tan, because you wouldn't bring a n* into our family without my permission would you?" and on another occasion told me not to dress my daughter in purple because it makes her look darker...for Easter our entire family wore purple We didn't speak to her for 9 months until she called and apologized in her own way.
And she has been sweet to her ever since, it took time and it was terribly painful that anyone so close in the family could ever say or think something about our babies, but that's their problem and until they can move past it I refuse to subject our daughter to it. Good for you for standing your ground, and hoping that the person will change their heart one day.

[Cjmeck]

OMG OMG OMG... Stay strong, YOU are right. Well, at least you found out now, when she's young and you are able to protect her. I cannot imagine how painful this must be to you. But if I were in your shoes, I know for certain I'd make the same decision. I'm so proud of your mom for standing her ground.

[joskids]

I would do EXACTLY as you are doing if I were in that situation. I know it must be incredibly painful for you. But the pain doesn't have to trickle down to your beautiful daughter. You are doing the right thing!

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Larue]

I’m sorry about what you’re going through with your stepfather. You have been hurt very deeply by someone you love, and you’re disappointed in him. I would be too if this happened to me. And I wouldn’t want to attend a family gathering or associate with him either. As for the rest of your family, I find it strange that they expect you to bring your daughter around someone who openly rejects her. Yes, she is too little to understand now, but you aren’t. How would they feel if it was one of their children that dear old grandpa was giving the cold shoulder? I would let me them know that you are willing to forgive if he changes, but for now you can’t be around him. They are welcome to spend time with him separately.

Unfortunately racist views are pretty deeply ingrained, and hard for some people to let go of. But like the other posters mentioned, he may change in time. I think it’s great that you’re willing to forgive him if that happens, because not everyone could.

Best wishes!

[latinosunshine]

You are in a very hard place. While we are still waiting for our forever children, I will say my Dh and I experienced this as adults (when we got together).

He is Puerto Rican but he was black in everyone's elses book. It did take some hard times but they came around and now he is the favorite of the family. He "opened the door" for the rest of my family to interracial relationships. He was the only that dispersed the fear of the unknown.

While with a child I would be more protective, it could be a way of opening up his thinking. I would not be surprised if he got to know your child, your child would melt his heart (but do with much oversight)

[loveajax]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

I think you are doing the right thing. One thing I have never really thought about is: what could be done to change him? Anything? In other words, do his current actions mean that any relationship with him is beyond repair? (The answer may be yes, I don't know!).

I don't think kids should be in the position of "educating" others, but I have seen my whole family grow and learn because they love my DD so much....I wish that was always the case.

Anyway, you are a great mom and I don't blame you for being hurt and disgusted. Hang in there.

[manni28]

Hang in there my dear, you're doing the right thing!

Even if it's holidays that you only see your step dad imagine when the child is older, and he "slips" and use the "N" word or says something else derogatory, what excuse will he use? He'll probably say " I wasn't talking about you ( the child), you're "different".

You're doing the right thing.

-Manni

[KansasMomToBe]

Thank you everyone for affirming that I'm making the best choice for our current situation.

Time will tell if he ever has a change of opinion. In the mean time I'm gearing up for a fun Halloween party at my house on Saturday. This is the first activity I'm not inviting him to. It might be a rude awakening for him when he is not invited to participate.

I want to surround my young children with loving and supportive people so they can have a strong foundation of Love. As they get older, they will have the to deal with the cold world, and knowing they always have a family that loves and supports them will help them through the tough times.

[BlessedbySnuggs]

You are doing the right thing...I just don't get how people can be so hurtful and ignorant, especially to their own family members. It really is beyond me.

[leahcar]

I can relate. When we told my husband's father we plan on adopting he said, "Don't get a jungle baby."

It sounds like you are doing the right thing for your children, even though it hurts and is so hard.