[Stormster]

OK so something is worrying me. I read the article Dickons posted about the "birth story" and how it effects a child's identity and I'm afraid I was headed down a road that wasn't entirely HONEST. It was honest but not honest honest kwim?

I am ok with talking about addiction, I am ok saying the truth, that his bio parents are really terrific people who suffered from addiction and subsequent bad choices.

But there are two things that are just HURTFUL. Not even drug usage during pregnancy! I can look him in the eye and say "she loved you, the SECOND she knew she was pregnant she stopped using any drugs" (i know she smoked but it helped her stay off worse stuff and I was always ok with that)

These hurtful things have to do with shame and secrets on bio father side and would make it impossible in the future for DS to ever get to know his extended bio family on his bfather's side. I think it would be very painful for him to hear this story without me telling him EVERYTHING about their relationship. which leads me to the next part.

Both his bparents did something really really yucky once. There's no other wa to say it. I never intended to tell E about it and event said I wouldn't but honestly, now i know I can't tell him the true story behind his adoption without telling him the entire story.

I guess I wait until he's much older to tell him (if he asks?) the nitty gritty? Keep it positive and about love now?

It's really tricky! Because as I tell him the age appropriate stuff i don't want him to look back and say "why did you tell me they were wonderful people if they did x,y, and z?" I don't want to look like a liar! (yeah it's really really bad)

UGH. How do you resolve your desire to make your child's birth story a happy one with the truth if it's really not very pretty? It literally breaks my heart to think about what i'l have to one day tell him.

[lovemy2boys]

I think if it's something really, really bad, it may be up to his bparents to explain it, unless it's something that E will definitely find out about and will need you to help him deal with.

Of course, I'm not saying lie or mislead. Ugh. I'm probably not making much sense.

I come from a long line of addiction. I have a brother who is an addict; my parents are the ones that know the extent of his troubles. I know alot of what his addiction has caused, but there are things that I don't know and never will. Having said that, he's never been in trouble with the law and his addiction has mostly affected our immediately family emotionally and financially as opposed to outside sources, and chances are it's not of the caliber that you are speaking of.

One of my youngest son's bparents has a drug problem that moves beyond addiction into a different realm. There are things that we found by a series of crazy circumstance, but are now out in the open. Even though it's public knowledge I'm not certain whether or not I'll share it with J, or whether I'll let his bdad to reveal it in time.

I've sort of had to work out my own feelings about all of this based on events of an extended family member that was kept secret from us for many years...

Basically, I will tell my kids that the people have an addiction that causes them to make very, very bad choices...And my kids can see with their own eyes the struggles that these people have dealt with based on their choices.

Ugh. This is so difficult. I've lived it from many sides - that of a kid kept in the dark, an adult that's somewhat informed and a mom who has knowledge that may or may not need to be shared.

I "get" the struggle you're facing, and I know it's difficult. Let me know if I can help you in any way.

[OakShannon]

I really understand what you are struggling with. When we received the detailed info about David and his family, I cried for most of the 3 hour drive home and with some of the most painful information, I swore, "I never want him to know this."

It will hurt. There is no way around it. But it is his story. And he has a right to all of it - even the painful parts. At some point, he won't be my baby boy anymore. We talk about how to prepare him, such as helping him understand mental illness. There are people in my family living with mental illness who can help us with that. We'll help him see how it can effect the way people think and the choices they make as well as the fact that it is an illness - not a failing on their part.

Beth Hall, the director of Pact, is someone I've gotten to know over the past year. She told me that whatever information we have for our children - and we've talked about some really painful circumstances - we should tell them in some form before they reach their teens. Not necessarily every detail - but everything should be more or less on the table by then. Because once they hit their teens, they tend to view new revelations as something their parents hid from them and it feels like a betrayal. So by avoiding that dynamic, we are in a better position to support our children when they do hear the painful details.

[Fran27]

I can't imagine having to go through this. The only thing I can think of is to emphasize that it was bad decisions on their parts, but it doesn't mean they are bad persons.

My two will probably never meat their birthparents and their birth family doesn't even know they exist, so I know that part is really tough too.

[Lovebug]

We're in the same situation with our younger son. I wish I could just erase it all....or that we just didn't KNOW. Having knowledge isn't always power. *Sigh*

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by OakShannon

I really understand what you are struggling with. When we received the detailed info about David and his family, I cried for most of the 3 hour drive home and with some of the most painful information, I swore, "I never want him to know this."

It will hurt. There is no way around it. But it is his story. And he has a right to all of it - even the painful parts. At some point, he won't be my baby boy anymore. We talk about how to prepare him, such as helping him understand mental illness. There are people in my family living with mental illness who can help us with that. We'll help him see how it can effect the way people think and the choices they make as well as the fact that it is an illness - not a failing on their part.

Beth Hall, the director of Pact, is someone I've gotten to know over the past year. She told me that whatever information we have for our children - and we've talked about some really painful circumstances - we should tell them in some form before they reach their teens. Not necessarily every detail - but everything should be more or less on the table by then. Because once they hit their teens, they tend to view new revelations as something their parents hid from them and it feels like a betrayal. So by avoiding that dynamic, we are in a better position to support our children when they do hear the painful details.

That is exactly what i'm worried about and thank you for addressing it: surprising him with new info when he's old enough and traumatizing him. Thanks so much for this insight. totally helps!!!!

[saj]

Yea Stormster,
I know what you mean about the mixed feelings of "telling." What to tell, when, how much? I don't try to make my kids think that adoption is some "happily ever after story". I don't paint their parents as marvelous people either. They are just human beings with all the complex issues that go along with being human. When my kids were little, they just thought that I hung the moon. As they get older (now nine and ten)
they have begun to notice that I am not always perfect.
I make mistakes and sometimes poor choices....just like they do. Everyone does. My children and I are lucky because of the circimstances and environment in which we live. We have good roll models and a strong support system to help as we make our way through life. Not everyone has this advantage. Their mothers didn't. I just take it from there.
However, my son has a horrible story of how he came into care. It was in the news papers and on television, so I know eventually he will find out about it.
At about seven, his therapist wanted to tell him. I wouldn't let her at that time. I still stand by that. But know it will have to happen some time. Right now all he knows is that his mother was too ill to take care of him.
And thats true.
Did you read the thread written by an adoptee whom found out the horrors of her placement later in life, and how devistating it was for her? She had no support at the time. It was like someone threw a bucket of toxic water on her. I don't want my DS to find out in that manner. It is so hard to know when and how is the right time.
One thing that I have done with just the general adoption thing though is to let my kids watch Adoption Stories on TV. They have seen Bmoms who have had to give up babies. They cried when the moms cried and saw how happy the Afamilies were. It didn't give them their specific stories, but they saw that Bmoms did love their babies. It gave a jumping off spot for discussion too.
Anyway, I guess I didn't help, but I do know how you feel and wonder myself how I will finally tell the whole ugly story in the gentlest and most theraputic way. I know it will hurt him......I just want to be able to make things better for him when he learns the whole story.

Sincerely,
Saj

[Stormster]

Saj that TOTALLY helped! Thank you. (our situation was on news as well....UGH)

7 seems really young and I agree with you but i can imagine you are very aware of the countdown to when it will feel right.

I love the idea of the kids watching adoption stories and seeing both sides. I like it because it shows them they are not alone/isolated as adoptees and that bio parents have lives of their own and are real people!

We are in an OA but there won't be many visits because of the situation and distance. I can imagine many adoptees worry about their bio parents after hearing these stories. Some may feel like they inherited qualities that will lead them down the same path. It's very hard. I am going to do a lot of preparing so i can guide him down the emotionally safest path possible (while not ever letting him down by lying to him).

Shall not be easy!!!!

[manni28]

I read the article Dickons posted about the "birth story" and how it effects a child's identity and I'm afraid I was headed down a road that wasn't entirely HONEST. It was honest but not honest honest kwim?

As an adoptee my birth story isn't part of my identity ( it's part of my story of how I became part of my afamily), IMO. I think if you explain to your child that the choices his bparents have made aren't a reflection of him or anything he has done, he will be fine. There are many people born to their bio-parents who don't equate things the bio-parents did/do as a refection of them.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by OakShannon

Iwe should tell them in some form before they reach their teens. Not necessarily every detail - but everything should be more or less on the table by then. Because once they hit their teens, they tend to view new revelations as something their parents hid from them and it feels like a betrayal.

I very much agree with this. I didn't find out about something in my family until I was much older and it came as a shock to me. I still feel betrayed, 20 years later...

There were some aspects of that situation, though, that I felt should have been "gently" discussed and revisited as I reached into adulthood...Things that I couldn't really deal with as a child...My parents could have and should have put it "out" there in an age appropriate way, and then answered my questions as I got older.

Looking back, if they people were still around/involved in our lives, I think it would have been up to them to explain the "whys" of the situation and the details...

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by Lovebug

We're in the same situation with our younger son. I wish I could just erase it all....or that we just didn't KNOW. Having knowledge isn't always power. *Sigh*

I sooooooooooo hear that!

[saj]

OakShannon,

OH MY! My son is closing in on his teen years. He will be eleven. How can I tell him about how he came into care. He has come such a long way. His therapist wanted to tell him at age seven. I wouldn't let her. He is no longer in therapy and doing well. The nature of his story is one that he couldn't possibly understand on any level right now. I barely understand it. Maybe I need to get him back into therapy for awhile with just the goal of letting him understand his history.

This is so hard...Thank you Stormster for starting this thread. I've kept my head burried in the sand long enough. I'm going to have to be pro active.

[loveajax]

Do you have the book talking to young children about adoption? I got it at tapestry and found it very helpful (not sure if it addresses the specific issue here).

To say I have a lot of 'splainin' to do that breaks my heart is an understatement. It has nothing to do with some of the stuff raised here but is tough. I was just dancing with dd in our kitchen (morning ritual) and she is the most amazing, joyful child. I would love to keep her from feeling any pain or sadness forever. Anyway, I understand. Hang in there!

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by loveajax

I was just dancing with dd in our kitchen (morning ritual) and she is the most amazing, joyful child. I would love to keep her from feeling any pain or sadness forever. Anyway, I understand. Hang in there!

I could have written that

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by saj

OakShannon,

OH MY! My son is closing in on his teen years. He will be eleven. How can I tell him about how he came into care. He has come such a long way. His therapist wanted to tell him at age seven. I wouldn't let her. He is no longer in therapy and doing well. The nature of his story is one that he couldn't possibly understand on any level right now. I barely understand it. Maybe I need to get him back into therapy for awhile with just the goal of letting him understand his history.

This is so hard...Thank you Stormster for starting this thread. I've kept my head burried in the sand long enough. I'm going to have to be pro active.

That is so hard. My son doesn't have a history of trauma and his story wasn't on the news, so those are elements we haven't had to think about.

You might think about calling The Center for Family Connections. It is a great organization that works with foster and adoptive families and adopted people and I know they do a lot of family and individual therapy around these issues. It is run by Joyce Maguire Pavao, author of The Family of Adoption. She's also an adoptee herself. It says on their website that they do phone consultations. With all of the factors you are dealing with, I would want to get advice from someone who could hear my child's story and who had a lot more experience with this than I do!

I wish you the best. These issues are so hard. I agree, Love. I would so love to be able to protect D from the heartache he's likely to feel.