[Stormster]

DS is def. not autistic. But he's never liked to be physically snuggled or held. I've written about this before but it's bothering me again. I think i'm feeling like I need more affection from him. At 3 months he didn't like to sleep in my arms, wanted to be put down or in bouncer and bounced vigorously. This may have been sensory related. He held his own bottle pretty much as long as I can remember. At three days he had his hands clasped at midline as if ready to hold it then! He kind of arches and stiffens or slides out of your arms.

The weirdest thing is he cannot learn how to properly hug!!!! He'll kiss and blow kisses. Run up to you an show you something, sort of lean in and smile. But when another child or anyone hugs him he gets all stiff. Tonight at a restaurant he went up to apologize to his friend who he had made cry and he walked up to her like Frankenstein (the arms are just OUT and stay out!)

Tonight I just scratched his back while he had his bottle. He'll let us carry him forever but if we stop moving he wants to be put down. It's like we are a ride rather than his parents who are holding him.

I would like to chalk it up to a personality trait but it just doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't feel right! He will finally sit and lean on me for a book. I wonder if all the "perceived rejection" made ME less affectionate? You know it's hard to keep trying when you know what's going to happen.

I'm thinking of rubbing his back more often. He does love when i put lotion on his legs. he loves to play with his doctor toys and be examined. he'll stand there forever and if you say "say ahhhh" or whatever he loves that and stands very close.

I have a little cousin who is an awkward hugger. Is it a "thing"

Should I see an attachment specialist? He's sooooo well adjusted, at least he seems so secure and comfortable with himself!

Could it be sensory? Maybe I should talk to his OT about it! DUh!

Anyone else go through this? I can't find much on the internet and starting to feel like the only one! Thanks in advance for any feedback!

[oceanica]

Hey storm, sorry you are feeling this way!
Maybe it's just him though. I guess kids can be very different... Athena is like that and really won't hug at all while Kee is a snuggler and likes cuddling. She pushes away hard when you try to come in for a hug and squirms madly if picked up for a kiss. I think she is just too worried that she'll miss out on something to stop for a hug. However when she jumped/fell out of her stroller in the airport and cried she wanted to be hugged.
I'll wait to see what others think but it sounds like maybe a combo of sensory seeking plus just his personality.

[parenting-over-40]

It's possible he has a sensory processing disorder. There was a thread on this in the last couple of months on one of these boards but I can't remember which one. If I can find the link to the conversation I will send it to you.

I know very little about sensory processing disorder. However, I updated my foster training hours recently and one Mom was talking about it. She described to me what you are saying here.

I can't remember but I think there are Physical Therapists or Occupational Therapists that are trained in this area. Check to see if there is some Childhood Development program such as ECI (Early Childhood Intervention) that can come to evaluate your son. You would need a doctor referral I believe.

[Stormster]

Hi and yes he's already in OT for Hypo sensory (basically seeking movement) and some propio-sensory stuff.

I guess I should talk to them. I NEVER MADE THE CONNECTION!!!! He also won't hold hands.

It would make sense wouldn't it?

[paigeturner]

Storm,

It is probably just “him”. I have raised two biological daughters. The first was super snuggly; the second was not, not even a little bit, not at all. At 21 she will put up with a hug, but she doesn’t like to get very close physically. She’s not autistic. She doesn’t have any disorders. She just likes a lot of personal space. She is also one of the most loving, caring people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Even at a very young age she had more empathy than most adults. When she was in the first grade we had to purchase 3 coats for her during the year, because she gave hers away to kids, “who were cold, poor and needed it more than her”…the words of a 5-year-old. That would be repeated throughout the years.

Originally Posted by Stormster

I think i'm feeling like I need more affection from him.

I think this sentence could be hitting the nail on the head, you need more affection from him…but he just may not need to show his affection in a physical manner.

[Stormster]

Paige, you are probably right. Also it may be related to his sensory stuff.....

but if i may have a pity party over here:

IT SUCKS BIG TIME. I have one kid (will only EVER have one kid) who won't hug me! It's a lonely trip sometimes. I can go months with the smiles and the little moments but then I just want what everyone else seems to have! A big snuggle. I just pout inside when i see other kids do it.

Ok. phew better now.

Meanwhile I have a great sleeper, a funny funny funny kid. Sweet, empathic, physically gifted.... So much going for this little miracle. I just have to learn to get over it!

[mommytoEli]

my sensory kiddo is almost 4. he's gotten to be a bigger snuggler, but would still rather sit by himself. he wipes off kisses, but does like hugs...but wants them to be really super tight. as a baby, he didn't want to be held much- arched back, wanted down. i think it was partially sensory, partially some attachment issues. i did make it a point to touch him more in the manner he likes- like scratch his back and head. and to this day if he is being anxious, he prefers a scratch over a hug. lol. i do think that one thing that helped him be a little more snuggly was the willeberger (sp?) brushing protocol. ask your ot about it.

[paigeturner]

Storm - I do get what you're saying! For sure I do! I would get so frustrated when S would refuse to climb into bed with us on a rainy, Saturday morning with her sister and would instead build a little tent on our chair and hunker down there until we'd get up for the day! I'd think, "what's wrong with me that she won't come in for the tiniest snuggle?" But she's grown into a wonderful, caring, talented woman...who drives her boyfriend crazy because she hates to snuggle!

[Stormster]

Ha I so know that feeling! Do you know E has NEVER lay down on our bed with us? He can't lay down he freaks out. So when we are under the weather or whatever and people are like just turn on a movie and watch in bed i'm like HUH??? I can't even RELATE to that!

I have actually thought about doing cradle care just so I can hold babies! but then i remembered: I really really really like to sleep!

[paigeturner]

Storm,

I worked in a mentoring program several years ago helping young mothers learn how to parent and I got a lot of snuggle time with their little ones! I’m not suggesting that you take on such a task (unless you wanted to…it was super rewarding) but there are programs where you could volunteer where baby holding and snuggling is a side benefit. Check with your local hospital…

I’m waiting for grandbabies to snuggle with…but not too soon!

[Cjmeck]

My DS was/still is the same way. He's not adopted and I know he's 100% attached. His hugs have always been a bit "loose". We've always played this hugging game where we squeeze the crap out of eachother, lol. I think that has helped him some. Dh and I are pretty convinced he's got some sensory issues but we haven't had it evaluated by a specialist (long story, different subject...). Even as an infant, he never really snuggled into me. And once he could walk (at 10m) he never wanted to be held or carried. If you do a search on sensory processing disorder, you'll actually see this as a symptom. I won't say, don't worry about it. I know my son will never be a touchy, feely kid. But he loves me and dh, he has close bonds to us and his sister; but he just doesn't show it physically. Unless I make him! Yes, I've been known to chase him around the around, tackle him and steal a million kisses. He acts like he hates it but I always see that little grin

[SupaModel]

My son doesnt hug or kiss me that much anymore. There are times when he's all over mama but those are not the norm.

I have no idea about the sensory stuff or actually even what it is but to me DS seems like a normal little boy who's independant.

[Whirled_Peas]

I once asked my 3 year old, "Why don't you say to me, 'I love you.'"
`
He told me, "I don't have those words." I asked him why not. He said, "I threw them away."

Talk to the OT, but if you're not worried about Asperger's or other autistic spectrum stuff, just accept it's who he is.

[Linny]

I've dealt with kids who have attachment disorders and those with sensory issues. From what you've mentioned, feeling as though he doesn't have attachment issues, I'd be inclined to believe it has something to do with the sensory issues. In short, I'd talk to your therapist. He's still young enough you'd be able to help him through this.....and even though others feel it might be 'just him'......I'd be thinking and feeling as you do, Storm. To me, this isn't normal stuff----BUT---it IS stuff he can learn to relax with/in.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by Linny

I've dealt with kids who have attachment disorders and those with sensory issues. From what you've mentioned, feeling as though he doesn't have attachment issues, I'd be inclined to believe it has something to do with the sensory issues. In short, I'd talk to your therapist. He's still young enough you'd be able to help him through this.....and even though others feel it might be 'just him'......I'd be thinking and feeling as you do, Storm. To me, this isn't normal stuff----BUT---it IS stuff he can learn to relax with/in.

Sincerely,

Linny

I agree. It's not only that he's unaffectionate but that he can't seem to hug. To me at least the ABILITY to hug someone is such a basic thing! LIke I said, I have a litte cousin who is 17 now. She's a GENIUS (haha maybe there's a connection!) seriously she had books PUBLISHED in elementary school! Anyway, when you go to kiss her it's so awkward! It's been that way since she was a toddler. She turns away and leans in for a hug but doesn't use her arms!

I'm sorry but that's got to be wierd for people and i'd prefer if at all possible E be able to do it. Thanks for understanding that it's not just a personality thing. Hugging is just part of life!