[adobe1234]

We currently have a nanny taking care of DS (who will be 6 mos. old next week) during the day. We had family visiting last month; while I was at work, they saw the nanny reading a book in the living rooom while DS was in the crib crying. He was crying b/c he had spit up on himself and was wet. MIL confronted nanny who said he needs to learn how to sleep on his own. I agree he needs to learn how to go to sleep on his own, but I never told her to ignore his cries.

So we started looking into other child care options. We have some friends who take their children to a family day care. We interviewed this daycare provider. She is one caretaker for 6 kids ranging from about 8 mos to 3 yrs old. I thought the ratio was not very good (1:5 is the DSS requirement here). When speaking to her, she said she cannot be there to pick up and carry kids who are crying b/c she has too many to take care of. In her mind, this is teaching them to be independent. When I told her he does cry at times b/c he wants to play or be picked up, she asked me if he uses a pacifier. He never liked the pacifier much, but even if he did at 6 mos old I thought you should have weaned your child off of a pacifier!

I am all for teaching independence, but I do not agree with ignoring the cries of a 6 mo old. DS is still learning to sit up and can't crawl yet. If he is crying, most of the time there is a reason (diaper/hungry/tired/spit up). Am I way off base here? This is our 1st child, so I'm not a parenting expert, but I'd like to know what other people think about this. Thanks.

[robandjulie]

This is a very very loaded topic but one you need to research and conclude for yourself. There are those that argue (and have support to back themselves up) that self-confidence and independence come from being left to struggle a bit and that sounds like the nanny's position. There are others (with equal amounts of support) who believe that establishing trust and comfort builds a general sense of trust in society and themselves and independence and self-confidence develop naturally from there, which sounds more like your position.

As I said, both have loads of research to back them up; you'll probably find an equal number of people on here or anywhere in either philosophy. But in the end I think you need to pick what feels right and parent as consistently as you can with those beleifs. Parenting is hard and if somethign doesn't feel right I don't think anyone should push themselves to parent in a way that's not intuitive/natural to them. If the more attached/child-led route feels right for you, go for it. You are NOT spoiling him, but inconstency is hard for kids to understand so I'd look for a way to sync up parenting styles with your caregiver.

Full disclosure: I'm a big believer in the 2nd position. We held/coddled DD every minute of every day until she was 15 mos old and she's one of the most independent, confident, happy kids I've ever met. Sleeps like a dream, very bright, not whiney or fussy. DS came home at 19 mos but I suspect he was treated similarly in his foster family (5 adults (4 women) and 2 babies and we have contact with them often) and he's also very easy going. In a whiney stage now, but that's par for the course at 2 and of course with that huge transition he had to make just one year ago and all that... But I know loads of parents who went the other way and their kids are also bright, happy etc. The kids who I see struggling are the ones that had parents that waffled a lot--full-response and ok with 100 wakeups one night and then CIO the next and then co-sleep the next. You don't have to lock into a stategy for life or anything--we all change and adapt our methods as necessary--but consistency or at least fairly consistent parenting seems the most important in my opinion.

[sheababy]

This is exactly why we use a state licensed daycare (or should I say not a home provider). They have enough staff to tend to all the children. Granted there may be days when a child may be left crying for a few minutes while another is taken care of but it would be the same if you had twins or other children at home.

The family daycare provider would worry me. Anyone that says they have too many kids (and is out of the state's ratio) clearly should not be taking on a baby. 6 month old babies do not need to be independent.

I also would not leave my child with a nanny who was reading in another room while my child was crying. With our daycare, the teachers spend most of the time holding and feeding the babies and have different interactive toys and swings. There is a separate crib area which is kept dim but there are windows all around the room so the teachers can see if a child wakes up or is upset and crying. The floors are heated, no street shoes are allowed, they even bath the babies.

I would keep looking for options.

[Cjmeck]

I think this is the 3rd time I've wrote this today (I swear I do have other thoughts! lol) but TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Run away from those child care providers. Run run run. Its different when I am ignoring the screaming tantrum of a 21 month old who wants to watch Elmo vs. a 6 month old who has no other way to communicate. I'm all about teaching independence, but I can not think of any circumstance I would allow a 6mo to cry unattended. With the exception of sleep training (ferber method) which I believe only a parent should do. And such a decision is extremely personal and should not be made for you by a nanny. Listen to your little voice, you are right!

[Fran27]

I agree with Cjmeck... it's not the nanny's place to make those kinds of decisions for you, and I agree that taking care of 6 small children is too much for one person. I'd be looking elsewhere.

[yehudit]

Oh boy have you hit a nerve. I look frward to seeing how this thread develops

I agree that you should trust your instincts. As kids grow they need more and more independence and you will know when it's right to give it to them.

Leaving a kid crying in wet clothes will not teach him to self-soothe. Has she ever tried sleeping in wet clothes? Kids can self-soothe when they are fed, dry, warm, and pain-free. The daycar provider sounds overwhelmed as it is.

Remember, YOU are the best judge of what's best for your child. I felt the same as you with my first child, but now I take all advice as optional, even when it comes from the pediatrician .

[binkybear]

It comes down to what *you* want for your child. If you don't agree with crying or cry it out methods than you don't seek a provider who does. If providers try to convince you of the "benefits" remember why you don't agree with it. If you know they whys of why you don't agree with it then no amount of yada yada yada to the contrary will allow it to happen with your child.

You might try an at home nanny again who will follow your specific directions on crying. Day cares set their policies and procedures. At home you do the same exact thing, in writing. When expectations aren't set people do what they think is right. Your the parent, set the expectation clearly, in writing.

Even at daycare...your kid doesn't eat sugar: Put it in writing. You're the parent, you're in charge....my mentality has always been strangers, no matter how nice, aren't going to remember or care as much about what's important to you as you do just becuase you mentioned it or talked about it once. Put something in writing, add it to a professional file and people see it as business and meaningful. That's just life today.

[crick]

Personally I don't think nanny's opinion matters. She is employed by you to do what you want her to do. So if she's unwilling to care for him under your parenting philosophy then she is not the right nanny for you.

As for the homecare situation, 6 kids at that age is not a situation I personally would add my child to.

[Nevada Jen]

It sounds like from your post you know something is wrong. I give my son tons of independence. I am sure many people on this site would say too much. But I believe what I give him is developmentally appropriate. There is the ferber method of sleep training but I am 90% sure that it does not involve sitting in a chair in another room reading a book during the middle of the day. But I have to say that if you otherwise like this nanny and she was acting that way in front of your relatives (as if there was nothing wrong with it) you might just need to explain to her what you expect.

The day care provider. . . um. . .NO. Already over the limits and she is telling you she will not be able to get to your child? Not gonna work.

Weening off the pacifier is a personal choice. 6 months is early in my opinion.

[sbaglio]

I wrote on here once about how I had ignored my instincts about a prospective nanny. She came to interview, was very bubbly and happy, had been a daycare provider in the recent past, and seemed to have all the right credentials. But I felt uneasy, and told myself that I was being silly. My DH really liked her, but our DD was very apprehensive, and she's usually not to that extent.

Come to find out when we called her references, that she'd been fired from the daycare where she worked, and they would not tell me why. They did say that they would not rehire her to look after anyone's children. Okay, then...

Trust your instincts. Trust your instincts. Trust your instincts. Rather be wrong and have your child miss out on a good nanny, than be wrong and have your child be taken care of by someone who doesn't care, or worse.

We parent our DD like robandjulie, and she is very independent, confident, happy, adventurous, and yet cautious when she needs to be. Not whiny at all. Friends of ours who went for the "independent from birth" approach (they thought that keeping their son by their bed in a bassinet at 1 month was spoiling him), now have a very clingy, whiny child who at 2 1/2 cries when my 20 month old daughter taps him on the shoulder to say hi. They are always saying how they wish he was independent like our DD. I'm sure personality has something to do with it as well, but there is definitely more to the story.

You know what is best for your child, even as a new mother. Find the childcare that is consistent with your parenting style.

[PersianMama]

I'm with you. Babies cannot express their feelings or needs without crying, and ignoring them is not healthy. Google the Harvard study on how leaving babies to cry negatively impacts their brain development...

I'm sorry you are having this trouble. I would have thought that a nanny in your own home would be the best childcare choice out there because they only have to watch your child. I am sure you can find a different nanny with different ideas about crying.

[Fran27]

For the record, I think it depends a lot of the child... We raised ours to be independent, we used CIO and didn't always come as soon as they were whining (as opposed to crying) during the day, and now at almost 20 months they're light and day... DD still whines, DS almost never does. They were raised the same way... it really depends on the child.

Edit: and I wasn't going to debate the point LOL. Anyway, it's not about what parenting philosophy you have, but that it should be yours, not the nanny's.