[valleygirl2010]

I hope someone can answer my question... I am hoping to adopt even though I have no issues with infertility. However, I can't seem to find anyone who understands this choice, let alone anyone else who has been in my shoes. Have any of you reading this ever adopted a child even though you have had NO issues with infertility? If so, please tell me your story or link to your story. Did social workers look down on you? Thanks in advance, and I look forward to hearing lots of stories.

[OakShannon]

We didn't adopt because of infertility. Although we are gay, so the logistics of having a biological child were a little complicated. We weighed our options and adoption felt like the best one for us.

I wouldn't explain to anyone except those I'm very close to. To anyone else, I would just say, "For us, this is the right way to create our family." Or some such thing. Full stop. End of discussion. And no, in our case it didn't matter to the social workers. It did come up during our couple interview, but we gave a short, simple explanation and that sufficed.

I have heard that some agencies will only work with infertile couples, so you may run into that. But we adopted through foster care, so it didn't come up for us.

[SuzySSunshine]

I was somewhat concerned about this when we started but learned that it is absolutely not a hinderance in the adoption process. Adoption is the way we chose to make our family. There are people who do not understand it but they are people for whom adoption can only exist as a second best option or a last resort.

Good agencies find parents for child, not babies/children for people who want them. Given that approach, you do not 'earn' a child by being unable to conceive one. You qualify to become a parent through adoption by following the process, meeting the standards and completing the home study.

Are you primarily worried about the agency or worried that others will question you?

Also the one concern I might have if I were working with a US open adoption scenario is that the birth mother might not take the same approach as an agency and might want to 'help' a family that couldn't conceive. We adopted internationally.

[DannieAS]

People don't need to understand your choice. If you feel as though this is something for you and/or family then that's all that matters.

My social worker didn't think it was odd.

I work in the public school system as a speech therapist so my co-workers think it's great and not odd.

my extended family were a little perplexed but I think they all know that I tend to live my life according to my convictions and not in the "right order of things".

Be squared away with you (or you and your hubby/partner) and then everything else will not matter.

[jalapeno]

We did fost/adopt too and it was really a non-issue. I got the impression that several of the workers we dealt with assumed we had IF issues but the question was never asked. And then I was pregnant when they placed our older son with us. They just accepted our situation.

I can't speak on domestic or international adoptions personally. I would imagine it depends on the agency, the country, the e-mom's feelings, etc.

I can certainly understand just making the choice to adopt though. We never bothered to try to get pregnant first. I've always felt a strong pull towards adoption. I know that some people have assumed we couldn't have a bio-child. And now that we do, I'm sure plenty of people assume he was an "oops" baby (he wasn't - it was our a-son that was the surprise! LOL ). We're probably unintentionally perpetuating the stupid myth that "you'll get pregnant as soon as you adopt!". Whatever. So far nobody's bothered to make any ridiculous comments to my face on this issue. So it's been fine.

Best of luck!

[Asha0314]

I adopted as a single parent because my plans to get married first, then have children didn't work out. Far as I know, I could still have children and in fact I haven't given up on marrying and giving birth one day. The social workers I dealt with were very pleasant and helped me every step along the way towards my goal of adoption. I adopted thru a private agency which worked with non-traditional families, such as un-married individuals. I believe some agencies only work with married couples.

The people I chose to tell (that being close friends and some family members, not even all my family) gave me a lot of support and encouragement ever since I began the process. To go thru the adoption process and to be an adoptive parent, I found out that it really is important to be around people who are supportive. The pre-adoption phase can be such an emotional roller coaster, and I needed all the support and emphathy I could find.

[binkybear]

I knew that something like 10% of those adopting have not experienced infertility. I was surprised to find a whole group of people here who had no desire to be pregnant and always knew they would adopt, I thought I'd be one of only a few.

No one's ever given us issues with it. I han one cousin who found out we were adopting say "oh my gosh why is something the matter" I think she just instantly thought we would have tried to concieve and then hit an issue, but once she heard our reasons it wasn't a deal of anykind.

We met with several agencies. Some DO require proof of infertilty. It's something that bugged me personally, as I can't wrap my head around why being infertile should be a qualifier for parenting or that emoms shouldn't have the opprounity to see all capable parents..but we moved on instantly from that meeting. Our agency 100% embraced us, the one SW the day of B's placement told me about her own friend who always knew she would adopt...how some people are called to it just like anything in life. B's birthparents also found great comfort in this, it meant something to them personally.... so don't assume that all bparents are looking to "give" to an infertile couple. Bparents know what they personally want to see and will take in all aspects of a potential parent's profile, so be your honest self.

[Jensboys]

We always knew we would adopt, even before we had bio kids or tried. Our bio son was 4 months old when we began the adoption process, and 22 months old when our sons joined the family when they were 3 and 4 years old. 9 months later I was pregnant again (NOT planned, but welcomed).

For me, it was more about an understanding of how many children around the world truly have no family. My desire was not to adopt a baby, as there are many many families that are willing to adopt a baby, but rather adopt a sibling group that may have had a harder time staying together. And that is what we did

[valleygirl2010]

Thank you for all of your replies. I am so glad to have gotten so many. At first, I saw a lot of people reading this thread, but no one responding. I thought, oh no, I really am the only one on the face of the earth who wants to do this.

My husband and I have always said we would adopt and have bio. In the late summer of 2006, we decided to ttc and start the adoption process at the same time. However, I got pregnant so quickly and in my pregnancy we faced health insurance denials. It was a very scary ordeal, and the thought of adding another child at that time slipped away very fast.

I had my daughter in June of 07, and wanted to get my tubes tied, but my doctor wouldn't let me because I was only 29. So, I got a Mirena instead, and plan on keeping it. Life is great now, but we feel almost disadvantaged because we only have one child. The idea of adoption has come up again. Since the birth of my daughter, life has gotten so much better (Yes, we have better ins. now) We feel so incomplete, though, with only one. I would love a little boy, but it doesn't have to be a boy.

I have worked with abused children in the past, and I am currently a volunteer child advocate in the courts. I have worked with a lot of social workers, and honestly, they are my biggest fear. They nitpick everything about people, and try to see it as a potential problem. I know it's "Their job" and in a way, it's mine too. But being on the receiving end of their judgment instead of watching it from the side is horrifying. Especially having to explain wanting to adopt even though I have no intention of TTC again. I really don't have any answer to the question, "Why do you want to adopt?" Neither does my husband. We just do.

I just wondered if there was anyone else out there who had adopted as a first choice, without having gone through infertility. With all do respect, being gay or single is not the same thing. I fully support gay and single parent adoption, but what I meant was people on reliable birth control who could ttc and get pg tomorrow if they wanted to, but choose this path deliberately instead. I always see gay adoptive parents and wonder if they would still go through with it if they and their partners could conceive a baby together. That's nothing against them, it's just something I wonder.

Thanks for listening. I am hoping to adopt a child from the Republic of Buryatia in Siberia. I know most of you probably have never heard of this country. But, ever since I heard of it, I have been fascinated with it. I am in love with the culture. They are very unique people.

[Linny]

Our family has adopted many times......internationally, through the foster care system (all three failed in some way), and through domestic agency/attorney transracial adoption. In total, we've had six infant adoptions. We knew when we dated over 35yrs ago that we'd adopt. We didn't have fertility issues and adoption was our first choice in making a family.
We DID encounter biased caseworkers and those who felt we were 'odd'. One reason we chose to adopt was due to diabetes and severe arthritis that runs in our biological families...though neither one of us has these...nor did we have them back when we were in our 20's and first adopted. However, more than once, we had to 'prove' we truly wanted to adopt by discussing these issues with an MD, or by showing our sincerity by going through questions when we had homestudies conducted. It always irritated me....but it was yet another hoop to go through in order to adopt.

I agree with the poster who mentioned some bioparents might not choose a couple (single) who didn't have fertility issues. I've seen that. But, along with that are bioparents who DO want couples who've chosen adoption over giving birth...so it can go both ways.

One time out of frustration, I DID say to my dh, "You know, giving birth would have been SO MUCH EASIER!!!!"....and it would have been. There're so many double standards when it comes to birth and adoption---it's ridiculous. But, it is what it is and we've always felt adoption was more special---if not more so---than giving birth. That's a motto that's long been said in our home...and two of the infants are now grown and on their own.
Good luck in your adoption journey.

Sincerely,

Linny

[PersianMama]

We have three biological kids and to the best of our knowledge, we can have more that way if we chose. Adoption has always been in our minds, and we only want four kids, so now's the time to adopt Our social worker didn't seem to think it was odd, but I think we've learned differently after over a year into the process.

Two different emoms told her that we "have our hands full" even though she assured them that they wouldn't have approved us if they thought we weren't quite capable of caring for and loving another child. There is nothing like being judged unfit by someone in such a tenuous place in their own life...I have read that lots of emoms think that they are doing a better thing by "gifting" their baby to a couple who cannot have bio kids (I do not know if that is really the case or not). I do know that when we met with an emom who had chosen us (changed her mind after meeting us in person; somehow missed the part in our profile about us not going to church), we heard nothing from the SW for three weeks of agony before we knew if we were going to be placed with a baby or not. When I let her know how anxious we were, she actually wrote back, "I didn't think you would have so much trouble with the wait because you have children. For my infertile couples, the wait is excruciating." Boy, did that feel like a slap in the face. It was like we weren't being a good boy and girl and waiting without a word or moment of lost sleep because there were other waiters who had more trouble than we do.

I sometimes feel insane because we are the only person I know who are trying so hard to be careful with birth control because we want to adopt a baby, rather than get pregnant with one

[Barksum]

We adopted without infertility issues. We have one bio child. We did not plan to have more bio children due to my health issues, but there is no infertility issues, technically, that would keep us from having a bio child. (Well, other than the surgery we had a few years after Dd was born...)

Our adoption cw didn't have an issue with that. We did discuss it during the homestudy process, but it wasn't a hurdle we had to jump or anything. Just a fact about our family. Our cw was a bit paranoid, though, and would get totally freaked when I would call. He was pretty concerned that we were going to back out and not try to adopt because we were tired of the process (after not being matched several times), or that we were going to back out because I was pregnant. We had to reassure him over and over that we weren't giving up and that we weren't pregnant.

I think it is kind of an older concept that people only adopt when they have an impediment in trying to conceive a biological child. Many people adopt AND have bio children before and (or) after they adopt. There are families who adopt and have no bio children. I think the cw's may discuss with you why you wish to adopt in order to better understand what your family understands and believes about adoption and the process. That's a common question in the homestudy process.

[jalapeno]

Originally Posted by valleygirl2010

I just wondered if there was anyone else out there who had adopted as a first choice, without having gone through infertility. With all do respect, being gay or single is not the same thing. I fully support gay and single parent adoption, but what I meant was people on reliable birth control who could ttc and get pg tomorrow if they wanted to, but choose this path deliberately instead. I always see gay adoptive parents and wonder if they would still go through with it if they and their partners could conceive a baby together. That's nothing against them, it's just something I wonder.

It may not be the same thing, but I don't think the experiences are irrevelant either. Two of my best friends are a gay couple who've adopted twice from foster care. I have found their experience to be very relevant to my own and consider them valuable mentors. Certainly they had a choice when it came to building their family. But they WANTED to adopt and, what makes their experience particularly relevant for me, they wanted to FOST/ADOPT.

I think the type of adoption (fost/adopt vs domestic vs international) matters when it comes to the stereotypes you'll face. A couple who have a bio child and are choosing to adopt internationally seems very different to me than a childless couple with no IF issues seeking domestic adoption.

Just my two cents . . .

[DannieAS]

Originally Posted by valleygirl2010

I just wondered if there was anyone else out there who had adopted as a first choice, without having gone through infertility. With all do respect, being gay or single is not the same thing. I fully support gay and single parent adoption, but what I meant was people on reliable birth control who could ttc and get pg tomorrow if they wanted to, but choose this path deliberately instead. I always see gay adoptive parents and wonder if they would still go through with it if they and their partners could conceive a baby together. That's nothing against them, it's just something I wonder.

I understand what you're trying to say ....just remember that in this day and age it isn't a stretch that if a single woman or a gay woman is thinking of building their family, that many times they choose to have a pregnancy when building their family.

While I don't care what people think, you should be aware that there were some people who asked me why I chose to go adoption route instead of AI route....I have a co-worker who has a gay daughter and her daughter is going to get pregnant when she decides to have a family.

Because of those comments, that's why I responded to your post in the first place

[valleygirl2010]

Again, thanks for so many stories. Those of you who adopted children even though you did not experience infertility- do any of you have a blog? If so, have you blogged about your experience? If so, would you mind linking so I can see?

I would love to blog about families who have done this, and I would like to insert links to specific stories. My blog address is Danielle's Daily Life

My most recent post talks about how if 7% of Christians adopted one child, then there would be *no* orphans in the world. You can leave a comment there if you do not want to share it here. Again, thanks for sharing. (My daughter LOVES the dancing banana)