[okie_mom3]

I will start with this...I have three children as follows BD-19, BS-18, AD-4, okay that said here I go...I was talking to my MIL on the phone today and she is telling me she seen a high school classmate of my DH she proceeded to tell me that she told them that she has 5 grandchildren 3 being my SIL and 2 being ours...WHAT??? (she has 6 ..3 being SIL and 3 being ours) then she says "I told her that your youngest was 18" again WHAT??? so I respond with "NO our youngest is 4" she responded with "I dont think of her as my grandaughter I think of her as a great grandchild"...WHAT??? neither of my older children nor my SIL children are her birthparent nor would it matter if they were...So my ? is What would you have said if this would have been said to you?




sorry for rambling but I am SHOCKED!!!!


I need to add we have had our AD since she was 3 months old

[lovemy2boys]

What would I have said, or what would I have LIKED to have said?

I mean, seriously. I probably would have said "You have 6 grandchildren and it's ridiculous to believe otherwise." Then when my DH came home, he would have gotten an ear full until he called his mother and set her straight.

She told this friend that you and DH had 2 children. If she considers your DD her "great grandchild", then did she tell DH's friend that you two were grandparents of this little one, or did she just conveniently leave off your DD?

Good luck...I hope you all can get this straightened out.

[peregrinerose]

I probably wouldn't have bothered arguing the point. Adoption is my husband and my choice. Our son, to US, is our son. We can't force family or anyone else to accept him as such. I have a right to choose adoption over birth to grow my family. My family has the right to opt not to accept that choice (and, in fact, this has been the case in our family... some have chosen not to accept our decision and have chosen to sever ties with us).

Trying to change other people or their attitudes is an exercise in futility. The harder you try, the more they will resist.. that's just human nature.

[okie_mom3]

love..No she never mentioned her to this friend and I did speak to DH about this and he called his mom and discussed this with her...at this point from my DH reaction I dont think the call went that well but later after DD goes to bed I will speak with him about how it went, thank you for your response.

rose..thank you for your response and I understand your point of view also...only time will tell what direction this will go into

[binkybear]

agree wtih love, not so much peregrinerose and I'll explain why.

It's one thing to let people think what they want, it's another when they start talking to others about what they think.

Your hubs mom can think anything she likes, she can live on Mars if that's where she likes to think she lives...BUT make it crystal clear (in the nicest way possible) to her that you have 3 kids, she has 3 grandchildren by you. If she can't count to 3 then she can't talk about your family to others. It's all or nothing in the public description of *your* family.
That's my take.

[mommytoEli]

just so you know you are not alone, bil told his parents he was going to have the first grandchild....when fil told him we already have grandchildren (our adopted kiddos), bil said, "i mean first BLOOD grandchild." i think everyone has at least one of these people in the family. for us, these are people we keep our children away from.

p.s. oddly enough, in the nearly 6 years they've been married, they have yet to produce a "blood" grandchild. karma perhaps? (i know...i'm bad.)

[loveajax]

I am a little emotional because my dad just died, but this week my mom and I were talking. She said the first thing my dad did when dd was born was call his lawyer because he was so worried that dd may be treated differently than his other 9 (bio) grandkids. My dd has never, ever had to deal with this kind of cr.ap...so hurtful!

My inlaws are adoptive parents themselves, thank God!

I seriously would lose it over this. What does she say in front of dd...how does she treat her? I am so sorry!

[nee18]

Ugh! I'd be livid if I were you! There's nothing more disappointing or hurtful than when a family member disregards your child as a legitimate part of your family just because they were adopted. I'm sure many of us have stories to tell from our families from at least one person that fall along the lines of what your MIL said in some way, so know that you're not alone. We will do everything possible to make sure our DS grows up around family that truly accept him as part of our family and nothing less. We had to come to terms with the fact that this meant possibly losing family members in the future (we were more aware of this possibility due to ours being a transracial adoption). That being said, of the very few that have expressed anything but supportive views, they've learned to keep their mouths shut, so no family has been lost yet, but we've definitely had to get more comfortable with letting people know where we stand. So sorry you've had to experience this. I hope your DH is able to get his point across to her so this type of comment doesn't happen again.

[Gwen72]

I'd be livid too. We had a similar situation. We are white and our son is black. I have a family member who kept using the n word. Their excuse was that they didn't consider my son as black since he's being raised by white people. Ugh! I can't tell you on this family friendly site how the convo went from there.

[okie_mom3]

Thanks everyone for your responses sorry I was unable to respond till now but DH and I had a long chat last night about this well after him speaking to his mother and her telling him she "had a hard time calling her grandaughter" when he ask why she responded with "well she is not *blood* to us" of which started a great debate between the two that my DH never wanted to happen and it went kinda like this SIL and DH have the same father but not same mother and my MIL has always gave SIL and her children more attention than my DH and ours so I guess you can see where the conversation went from there however in the end they agreed to disagree and he told her you take us and accept us ALL as one or do not accept us at all....I hate to see it go this way as I love my hubbys family but my children are MINE and I will do whatever I have to to keep them safe and happy in life...maybe she will sleep on this and change her mind only time will tell but until then we will keep our distance...again thank you all for your input

[peregrinerose]

Originally Posted by okie_mom3

Thanks everyone for your responses sorry I was unable to respond till now but DH and I had a long chat last night about this well after him speaking to his mother and her telling him she "had a hard time calling her grandaughter" when he ask why she responded with "well she is not *blood* to us" of which started a great debate between the two that my DH never wanted to happen and it went kinda like this SIL and DH have the same father but not same mother and my MIL has always gave SIL and her children more attention than my DH and ours so I guess you can see where the conversation went from there however in the end they agreed to disagree and he told her you take us and accept us ALL as one or do not accept us at all....I hate to see it go this way as I love my hubbys family but my children are MINE and I will do whatever I have to to keep them safe and happy in life...maybe she will sleep on this and change her mind only time will tell but until then we will keep our distance...again thank you all for your input

I am sorry that the conversation went the way it did. I've had a longer time to process the loss of loved parents in law over similar issues than you have, and here's how we handled things.... First... we accept that their feelings are every bit as real and valid to them as ours are to us. It is flat out wrong to tell them to feel something they just can not, and offensive to them. We didn't want to actively burn bridges. Second, we let them know that we always love them, that our door is always open to them, and should they change their minds about severing ties with us, we would always welcome them back into our lives, no questions asked. Third, we made sure that our son knows what happened with them, and has read the letter the MIL sent us severing ties. We made it very clear that their idea of family and how family is treated is completely different from ours. He knows we love them and will always welcome them, and that is reassuring to him.... so he knows that we will always extend the same love to him.

Not every family believes in unconditional love. Not every family is built on ties other than (and in my belief stronger than) DNA. My husband and I CHOOSE the people we consider family, and the vast majority of them are not blood relatives. That doesn't make them any less family, in fact, the ties are probably stronger.

Hang in there. As time passes, it does get easier. We got the 'please don't ever contact us again' letter from my MIL about 5 months ago. The sadness is always there, but you really do learn to see all the positives in the true family around you as a result. In the end, your family unit becomes stronger.

[Larue]

I am so sorry you and your DH are going through this. And I know how hurtful and disappointing it is when a family member doesn't accept your child. And the sadness that brings knowing your relationship with that person has forever been altered. I think peregrinerose and other posters gave you some really great insights and advice. You cannot make someone feel something that they don't. You can only hope that their feelings will change over time and leave the door open. As another poster mentioned, this situation is not uncommon with transracial adoption. And in our case, our 2nd adoption journey is transracial, and special needs from foster care. And as I have found, some people have pretty negative perceptions about the children in the system. Which I am always more than happy to dispel.


Best wishes to you and your family!

[SupaModel]

If anybody in my family or DH's ever said that to me they would definitely be told/cut off. I will NEVER be able to have a bio child so adopting DS is the only way for us to become parents. Luckily our families LOVE our son. You couldn't dare tell my mom that DS is not her grandchild. Same with MIL and I thought maybe she would say something because she's CC and DS is black but no nothing. MIL is a proud grandma (Oma) and loves to show off her only grandson. I'm sorry that you are going through that but in honesty she's sounding kinda ignorant to me. Maybe i'm being harsh but I can't wrap my brain around her not accepting her sons child no matter how she came to be. Kwim?

[okie_mom3]

well I guess I will go through many emotions about this but as of today I am very upset...I understand she has her own beliefs as do we but thats not the point I am at accepting right now....right now I am mad, upset, and in shock...they say time will heal..I hope it does..okay I have refrained from being on here today because of the point my feelings are at (do not want to post something I may regret later) so I am going to leave it at the above and pray my children understand...Thank you all for letting me vent!!!

[lovemy2boys]

okie, just want to send you hugs

We all love our children so very much, that slights against them cut deep...Take care!