[oceanica]

That other thread got me thinking. I don't know very many adoptive parents irl. I really only have one friend/aquaintance who has adopted recently. She has a closed adoption (her child is 3) and isn't telling her kid about it. The child actually resembles both aparents a lot and may never find out. Last year she and her husband flipped and almost moved to another state and even changed jobs because they received a simple signed bday card from the bmom who wasn't supposed to have any info.
Now my friend is adopting a second child to be born this month. Another closed adoption. She told me she accidentally got identifying info on the emom from documents the atty gave her and she did last time too.
I haven't talked to her that much about it but recently I questioned her about the atty and so on. I was just wondering why there is so much secrecy and fear. Turns out this atty USED to do adoptions like 20 years ago or something. Both adoptions happened to fall in her lap... an eparent sought her out. No education/information is forthcoming for anyone... they all just wait for the birth and then proceed with a closed adoption. It seems like none of the parties are really getting counselling/education on the options and the way adoption is done nowadays. I think it's kind of a shame that the professional isn't more helpful to both parties. I'm not criticizing their method or saying that there should be more done for the emom or anything. I wouldn't knock closed adoptions and realize that they can be best. Especially if it's going to make my friend feel like she's not the mom and pass that on to the child. But it seems like all 3 parties involved don't know about anything else. I shared with her about my open adoptions and she was obviously freaked out. I happen to have a specific lunch appointment with her tomorrow so I'll talk to her more then.
I wondered how frequent this is and if maybe we are in our own little world here on a.com, and this is how the rest of the country views/does adoptions.

[Linny]

I wondered how frequent this is and if maybe we are in our own little world here on a.com, and this is how the rest of the country views/does adoptions.

In some ways, I think this is true. Very open adoptions don't seem to be 'the norm'....and even those that start out as very open, turn out horribly. I'd say most adoptions are of the 'semi-open/semi-closed' form....and some don't go the route of 18yrs for letters/photos.

FWIW.....most of the adoptions we've been a part of have been closed; and if semi-open, only for a limited amount of time. This was what we specified before being chosen by any birthmother. And, I think it's fair to say there are birthmoms/birthfathers who truly don't want to have another baby....truly don't have the desire to have continued contact in any form. I know there can be controversy over that, but it's a fact in some adoptions.

The idea though, of simply NOT telling a child they came to a family through adoption is---IMO-----clearly VERY WRONG. I've never understood this; nor will I ever! Adoption is as wonderful---if not more so, than being born. I know not everyone will agree with me on that one, but all of our children have grown up with that saying.

Sincerely,

Linny

[sugarandspice697]

I also don't know many adoptive parents IRL either (especially transracial adoptive parents). However, this is one of the reasons why attorney adoptions are generally called "independent adoptions" you have to "independently" educate yourself about adoption. Many people don't understand that and expect to learn it "along the way".

Believe it or not, most families choose semi-open or closed adoptions. Very rarely do families consider open adoption as their first choice - you can call pretty much any agency to justify that. I also hate it when social workers paint this pretty picture on how open adoption is the best choice for everyone. I believe its a disservice to your clients to say that. Clearly, there are many good reasons to keep an adoption closed and vice-versa.

[Stormster]

Ugh! I don't think "old school" is an appropriate name for it. Closed, FINE (if and only if both sides are educated about their options! which it sounds like their no in this case)

But the fact that she's "passing them off" as their own, to me it's beyond unethical. It is OUTRAGEOUS.

How can someone claim to love their child and deny them their heritage, their genetic information, their truth?

O you know I love you but this is a HUGE step backwards and I sincerely pity and worry about these kids. (sorry so strong but this is exactly how I feel!)

[yehudit]

Wow, I keep thinking about stories I've heard (true? who knows) where people have found out in ther 40s or later that they were adopted. Devestating. Much easier to learn this info as a child or better yet just always know it.

They are trusting an awful lot of people to keep a huge secret for a long long time. Good luck with that.

[lovemy2boys]

Your friend is setting herself, and her children, up for heartache and a lifetime of mistrust.

When her kids find out (and they WILL find out because the truth always comes out) her children will never trust her again. This will break the mother/child bond more severely than anything else.

Of course, if your friend and the emoms want a closed adoption, that's one thing. To build a family on a lie is completely different.

Hopefully something will open her eyes to this.

[Dickons]

Take lie they are living and promoting to their children (who they will teach not to lie), add the fact that the medical history of amom and adad and afamily will be used as the children/adult medical history and wow - I would be scared for the health of the children/adults when their health care providers are focusing on their 'parents' genetic tendencies instead of looking elsewhere to find the true issue.

Wrong, wrong, and still wrong.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[SupaModel]

I met a friend of a friend who adopted 2 BR girls. She AA and hubby is CC and the kids actually look just like them. Her kids have no idea they're adopted and she's not sure she is going to tell them. My opinion is I am telling my son because there is NOTHING to be ashamed about. I love him more than anything in the world and he is very special because of what I went through to get him.

I will also not judge anyone. I may not agree but that's their choice and let them do what's best for their family. I also agree with Linny I think this a.com is a tiny bubble. I know 4 adoptees IRL and none of then have open adoption. They are are very happy with how things are. I come here for certain things but in no way do I think this is how most people think.

[mumofone]

If both parties want a closed adoption, that's fine. That's their decision. But, WOW, to not tell a child that he/she is adopted is just wrong. The child will find out.

I often wonder what would happen if the child came down with a life-threatening illness where the parents need to provide marrow or transplant or whatever...and it is revealed by a doctor that there is no possible way they are biologically related. It does happen.

If anyone remembers their grade 9 biology, they'd certainly figure out that there is no possible way that DH or I could be the bio parents of all 4 of our children just by looking at our eye colours.

I'll also tell you this, a bit off topic, but it shows what can happen when the truth is hidden. When my DH's bio parents placed him for adoption, only a handful of people knew.

A few years after his birth, they married one another and went on to have 3 more children. Not one of the children were told that they had a full sibling who was placed for adoption. They found out 1 week prior to meeting my DH that he existed.

Two of the siblings were shocked, but accepted it. One of the daughters basically turned her back on her parents. She felt betrayed because at the young age of 19 she got pregnant herself, and even then her mom didn't confide in her that she knew what she was going through because of her own past experience.

It's sad....

[aclee]

I know many adoptees IRL, in my family and through local groups. I would say 90% of them were raised and remain in closed adoptions, and do not seek reunion or seem to outwardly struggle with their adoption. Of those that struggle honestly they are the international adoptees.

I'm finding that OA is really "sold" to emom's as the right thing to do. Ty's bmom has already withdrawn to basically a semi-closed adoption. We send her letters and pictures and get no response. Matty's bmom e-mailed once the week we brought him home to give us the link to his hospital pictures, which we asked for, and since then I haven't heard anything. She did Yahoo Connect me, but I have no idea what that is! I've called, e-mailed, and sent her letters, all of which she said she wanted with basically no response. I'm hoping that she's still working through the adoption emotionally, and our contact will be reciprocated in the future...

I can't imagine why a parent wouldn't share with their child that they were adopted.

[loveajax]

O, if it helps, please tell her that my hubby is a 43 year old adoptee. He and his sibs are so close with their parents. My hubby said that he always knew he was adopted and he can't imagine forgiving his parents if they did not tell him.

Right now, mumofone, he is dealing with a "reunion" with his birth mom (and birth sister also adopted) where she still has kept him a "secret." I can't tell you how much that hurts him (and how unfair I think it is not only to him, but to her parented children as well). I think if I have learned one thing is that secrets are so corrosive and it's the kids who ultimately get hurt. (Ironically, I also am in an "OA" where my DD is a "secret" to her sisters and extended birth family-- it's not fair to my DD either).

I honestly have only one "absolute" for adoptive parents and that is to tell your child that they were adopted.

PS: I also wanted to add that I have two great support groups of amom friends online...there's about 15 of us and I have met most of them irl. I think that only two of us have visits at all. I think the majority of the rest are "semiopen" through the agencies or closed. One of the reasons I "joined" a.com was because my experience seemed a little different than the "norm."

[manni28]

As an adoptee I agree with all of you. I have known I was adopted since I can remember ( I was born in 1967). There's no shame in being adopted ( my aparents taught me that), so I can't understand why a parent would withhold information like that? However , as one parent to another, it's not your place to tell the aparents what to do ( as I'm sure you know) but you can give "hints".

I wish you the best.

-Manni

[jennygirl]

I agree 100% with lovemy2boys !!!

[jcm]

Good luck with your lunch, I hope you can find a tactful way to tell her that her children would benefit from knowing the are adopted. I am in no way trying to be flippant, but her thinking could all be due to ignorance. She may only be aware of the myths that surround OA.

I cannot fathom keeping that info from my kids. It's THEIR history, kwim? THEIR medical background.

[Saya]

OK, so I can see having a closed or an open adotion as a choice made on a case by case basis, based on the life situation and preferences of both birth parents and adoptive parents. I realize that openess doesn't happen in every case though, and that's OK. I hate the fact that some people adopting or relinquishing around the county are not even given openess as an option, though. I can't believe that the idea in itself is so rare. My agency promotes open adoption. I know lots of adoptive families IRL; some have an open adoption and some don't for varying reasons, but it's a very known concept to anyone I know whose lives have even peripherally touched the adoption world.

But to NOT TELL. Um yeah, I'll be judgemental about that. That is just the worst most unfair idea imaginable. It's like these people don't realize that someday their chldren are going to GROW UP and they are going to be accountable as parents for the choices they have made. If you base your whole existance as a family on secrets and lies, it is going to come back to haunt you. It is really shameful, in my opinion.