[rd200]

So, i'm not sure about this. I got an email from my SW today about a situation and i dont know if i should be shown or not. the emom is 33, the efater is 24. they are together, they have a 1 year old baby, and she has 2 kids from her previous marriage. She is pg and due in january with TWINS!!! a boya nd a girl. What i;m not sure about is that she needs some support for a few months and i just dont know if i can do that. I dont agree with paying emom expenses, but i do think she really needs them. she isnt working and the father is getting unemployment but it isnt much. SHe's perfectly healthy, no drugs no alcohol, no mental health, but she does want an open adoption, we were only going to do a semi open. I really want to say yes, but i dont want to say yes because of my desperation. i reallly would like Twins, but i dont want to lose $1600 in expenses and we would be matched along time to my idea. she would be having a scheduled c-section in January sometime.
I feel like its a sign... i just got out update last nt from our agency and it wasnt good. we were maybe shown once in the last few months. i was so bummed last night, i prayed and prayed last night that god would give me a sign that it wouldnt be much longer to wait and all this other stuff, and now today i get home from work and there's an email about thissituation. It almost seems like a sign to me. My dh isnt thrilled about the once a year visit they want. i dont htink it would be bad, i know its not what we were planning on, but the rest of it would be great. Good health, Twins, then we wouldnt have to adopt again, we could just be done with all the mental stress and everything of waiting. AHHHHH.. any advice would be appreciated Thanks,Rach

[lovemy2boys]

I think you really need to think long and hard on this...

First thing is the expenses...If you don't feel right doing it, then you need to really consider that.

But the big flag for me is the open/semi-open adoption. As someone who has two kids (hence 4 different OA's) I have to say that an OA takes an extreme amount of HARD work, perseverance, commitment and is a HUGE leap of faith. If you were only willing to have a semi-OA, and your husband isn't "thrilled" about visits, it's not fair to this woman who not only WANTS an OA, but is looking for someone who will embrace it as well....And it's not fair to YOU guys to compromise because you don't think yearly visits "won't be too bad", and because you've been waiting for a while.

If you ARE considering an OA, then you want to read every bit of info out there that you can get your hands on. I can't stress this enough.

If this came off as harsh or snotty, that was not my intention. I just wanted to let you know that your baby IS out there somewhere...and if this isn't what you were looking for, then you may want to think twice. Good luck on your decision!

ETA: After re-reading my post, I wasn't sure if I was being clear...In saying an OA is hard work, I'm not trying to deter you from having one, as I'm a big proponent of Open Adoption. I just wanted to say that if you're on the fence, it's best to get some counseling or do further research before agreeing to something you aren't comfortable with.

[startedover]

I can't give an opinion on the money because I don't know much about that end although $1600 doesn't seem like alot considering what some people havein expenes, but I did want to comment on the OA. 15 years ago when I first entertained the thought of adoption I felt for sure it would be international because I never wanted to worry about bumping into my childs biological family. When 3 years ago we were not even looking and a situation landed right on top of us, the bmom did not want contact and that was fine with me even though we livein the same county. Soon that no longer was what I wanted. I wanted her to see that she was doing good, I wanted to see that she was ok. The first time she held her my dd was 11 months old and yes there was a little fear that vanished immediately and was replaced by love. Now three years later when or if we see her and her husband (who have another child together that is older) there is no fear. My dd is my dd. Period. She gave birth too her period. But as time goes you will stop looking at your child and feeling all the feels that come with adoption and you will just see your child. The child that came to you by the grace of someone elses decision . The feelings you have for their birthfamily will be a total seperate issue. Usually these feelings are joyfull and love. Pm me if you want more details as you would probably have to consider how to handle your twins bio siblings. I personally would have took God's sign and ran with it. God gave me what I prayed for for ten years and I questioned it daily until it was final. Boy did I waste time. Thank God for not wavioring in His decision when I was scared to accept it.

[beav]

I am not trying to change your mind or give you advice as you only know what you can handle and what is the best interest in all involved.
Just a thought for you to consider..........
We have a semi closed--we send pics and updates and have never met birth family.
Going into our adoption journey we were insistant that we didnt want an open adoption! I guess we were not comfortable with all that would mean and looking back now I think it was feeling like we would never feel like we were this childs parents.
As years have gone by, we continue to send our pictures and updates and my feelings of insecurity about being this childs MOM are completly gone.
I no longer feel the same way I did from the beginning and would not be afraid of contact or visits. I am secure with being our childs MOM and do not feel threatened by birthparents. I know that it is just more family to love our child.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you may find that over time you would be open to visits and can you accept that you turned down an opportunity for only that reason when in the end it may not be a reason at all.
I am sure that open adoption is alot of work compared to what we have, but I also know that it would NOT be a deal breaker for us if we were ever in that situation again.
Also wanted to add that I am a big believer in Gods plan and had I not followed his plan when all the signs were there and instead continueing thinking I knew what was best for me than I would have missed out on the most amazing gift ever--our daughter!!!

[RavenSong]

If you or your husband don't feel comfortable with participating in an open adoption, then I think you really should think long and hard about this particular situation. The expectant mother is looking to match with parents who DO want an open adoption. This is very important to her, and you need to be honest not only with her, but also with yourselves.

If you agree to an OA just in order to adopt the twins, well, I think you're going to have problems down the road. It is not fair or ethical to promise an OA to an expectant mom, and then close it down after finalization or when the kid is 3 or 4 years old (unless there are some really serious problems, obviously.)

I relinquished during the Closed Era, so I don't have any personal experience with OA. But from everything I've read here over the years, OA is a commitment that takes a lot of hard work and cooperation. I can't help but think that it may not be wise to agree to an OA if that's not what you really want.

Expectant mothers who are planning on relinquishing their babies really do put a lot of thought into what they're looking for in adoptive parents. And they depend on PAPs being honest and forthright with them, so they know if they're choosing the right home for their baby. If you really don't want an OA deep in your heart, then I think you should wait for another match, IMHO.

[sugarmuffin]

What you sign up for and remember lives are at stake. For instance once you have an OA it’s hard to close it (as well it should be) so if you are having doubts now think long and hard. Also keep in mind what seems really good sometimes isn't. Of course it would be nice to have twins and be done with it.....but the terms have to be fair to everyone especially the babies. They are the ones you have to live with all the decisions the grown ups made.

I say in the "gentlest" and kindest way. Please keep us posted.

[binkybear]

Love and Raven both said what I was thinking.

Enter into an open adoption, visits and the kind of commitiment it will take, knowing it is what you and your husband both truly 100% want for your child/children. If it's not what you've focused on as a unit during your journey, during your wait, then take the opprotunity now to discuss why or why not it wasn't part of the original plan...your reasons then might still be vaild for your family dynamic. and that's ok. It's also ok to embrace the change to OA, but like Love said research the heck out of it.

Good Luck. And if this isnt' "the" match, the sign might be to start researching OA or to get your hub to start researching it for a future match. Maybe your prayers are opening you guys up to the idea of "OA".

[celebratewewill]

you know, even if this situation doesn't end up being a good match for you, maybe the sign sent from God was to get you thinking about contact with your future child's bio family?

[Nevada Jen]

I guess I would look at it this way. Would you and your DH agree to an OA with visits if you and your DH really clicked with the person and liked them? If so, then I think it is OK to submit on the situation. I know that I personally would not commit to a yearly visit for the rest of my life with my own mother with absolutely no strings attached but I am not opposed to the concept. Your DH might be generally opposed to the concept. If this is the case then this is not the situation for you.

[loveajax]

To be honest, I had never even really heard of "open adoption" when we were adopting. After we were matched with DD's birth parents (and had met a few times), our agency called us in to sign what they called an "OA Agreement." It was really a semi-open with pics/updates thru the agency.

I remember leaving the hospital with DD and feeling soooo sad at the thought of not seeing her birth parents again (as I thought they wanted per the agreement). Anyway, we did get asked to have an OA with a yearly visit...so far these have gone really well and I know my DD has enjoyed them.

It's hard to know what she means by "OA" so I would clarify with the agency. Also, I would not have been so "open" to an "open adoption" without having met DD's birth parents. So is there a way to communicate that you would like to meet them or talk to them to discuss?

I don't believe in paying expenses either so that may be the "dealbreaker" for me, though they certainly sound much more reasonable than others I have heard.

Anyway, I wish you a lot of luck.

[KLL08]

I would agree with the pp. When we started our adoption journey we were comfortable with semi-open adoption, updates and pictures through an attorney or agency. I didn't know if I would be able to handle visits. But after the first meeting with our dd's birthmommy I felt at peace 100% with an open adoption. And we didn't know she had even chosen us! We have had 2 official visits and run into each other at the store another time. And she and her older children will be coming to S's bday party and we may also do dinner together on her actual birthday too. I can't explain to you the bond we have all developed over the past couple of months. You can look at some of my previous posts and if you have questions feel free to pm.

But it's not easy. The first couple of months I truly had a difficult time, I am a worrier, so I worried about S's birthmommy alot. I stayed in the hospital with her and felt some incredibly mixed emotions the first few months, they have subsided now, but I definately wasn't prepared for that. I agree with all the others--really research OA. If you decide to be presented see if the emom would want to meet before you matched to make sure you all think the OA will work.

As far as expenses that does not seem unreasonable for the next couple of months. I'm with you I did not want a long match, my preference was for the emom to be in her 3rd trimester. But if she is due early January I would feel comfortable matching now.

I would also say not to rush into a decision, your baby is out there and the PERFECT situation will find you. Had we gone forward on any other situation we wouldn't have our DD, who is PERFECT for our family.

Best Wishes--sorry this is so long

[rd200]

Originally Posted by loveajax

To be honest, I had never even really heard of "open adoption" when we were adopting. After we were matched with DD's birth parents (and had met a few times), our agency called us in to sign what they called an "OA Agreement." It was really a semi-open with pics/updates thru the agency.

I remember leaving the hospital with DD and feeling soooo sad at the thought of not seeing her birth parents again (as I thought they wanted per the agreement). Anyway, we did get asked to have an OA with a yearly visit...so far these have gone really well and I know my DD has enjoyed them.

It's hard to know what she means by "OA" so I would clarify with the agency. Also, I would not have been so "open" to an "open adoption" without having met DD's birth parents. So is there a way to communicate that you would like to meet them or talk to them to discuss?

I don't believe in paying expenses either so that may be the "dealbreaker" for me, though they certainly sound much more reasonable than others I have heard.

Anyway, I wish you a lot of luck.

I got a bit more info from my SW today, she wants one visit a year, and pics and letters. She doesnt know how many times a year she wants letters and pics though, but i already had planned on them for a semi-open. From what it sounds like, they dont want an open-open adoption. it sounds more like a semi-open with a visit. But that would be something to definetly discuss more if they choose us and when we meet. Our SW said that she thinks we would like each other, that is why she emailed me to get teh go ahead on showing our profile since it wasnt really matched up with some criteria.

I have done some research on OA and there are so many different types that until we meet, i dont know if its exactly right until we dicsuss what we both want out of it. I do think however that it would be benefical to the child to know and see whom birthmom is from a young age. I'm sure it is difficult, but i think the main reason why we wanted a Semi is cuz we jsut werent very informed when we started the adopption process. I mean, everything was so new to us, and we were just worried about getting things going. i want to talk more tonight w/ my hubby about the OA but he said today that he wanted to be shown, and i agreed, so we told our SW to show us. If we meet and somehting doesnt click and we dont feel like its best, then we will have to turn the situation down.

About the expenses, in this case, i DO think they are necessary. usually i would say no, but it sounds like she is in a very desperate financial situation, so i would be okay with helping out. Not happy about it, but ok. She isnt working, and the boyfriend only gets $76/week from unemployment. it would go toward Groceries, rent and maternity clothes. Things she DOES need. And they get payed directly to the landlord, and gift cards for the rest, so at least i know she isnt getting a whole chunk of money and then spending it on soemthing else that it wasnt meant for.

So in the end, i hope we have made the right decision, and i truely believe that if these are our children, god will make it happen. SW said she would update us either way, so i'll just wait for her call i guess. Thanks Rach

[rd200]

Originally Posted by KLL08

I would agree with the pp. When we started our adoption journey we were comfortable with semi-open adoption, updates and pictures through an attorney or agency. I didn't know if I would be able to handle visits. But after the first meeting with our dd's birthmommy I felt at peace 100% with an open adoption. And we didn't know she had even chosen us! We have had 2 official visits and run into each other at the store another time. And she and her older children will be coming to S's bday party and we may also do dinner together on her actual birthday too. I can't explain to you the bond we have all developed over the past couple of months. You can look at some of my previous posts and if you have questions feel free to pm.

But it's not easy. The first couple of months I truly had a difficult time, I am a worrier, so I worried about S's birthmommy alot. I stayed in the hospital with her and felt some incredibly mixed emotions the first few months, they have subsided now, but I definately wasn't prepared for that. I agree with all the others--really research OA. If you decide to be presented see if the emom would want to meet before you matched to make sure you all think the OA will work.

As far as expenses that does not seem unreasonable for the next couple of months. I'm with you I did not want a long match, my preference was for the emom to be in her 3rd trimester. But if she is due early January I would feel comfortable matching now.

I would also say not to rush into a decision, your baby is out there and the PERFECT situation will find you. Had we gone forward on any other situation we wouldn't have our DD, who is PERFECT for our family.

Best Wishes--sorry this is so long

She is due February 6th but they are scheduling a c-section sometime in January cuz with twins u usualy deliver early. I think the csection would be somewhere like mid to later January. It is kinda early to match and my SW said they usually wont match until the last month or 6 weeks, but with her financial needs she is matching earlier.

[mommieof2cuties]

I just have to say open adoptions are great if done the correct way! Remember this babies has a sibling and should grow up having that sibling in her life. We too often forget about the other children in the home when we adopt. Also 1,600 is not a lot at all in my mind I think that is a very small amount. We paid a lot more, and she missused the money. I think it is great how your money would be spent and paid right to the correct people!Keep us posted!

[joskimo]

Great advice from those who have been there on the OA - ours is semi so I won't add to that conversation.

I wanted to address the expenses, $1600 isn't much, we have a very reasonably priced adoption at $11,000 (not counting legal and travel) a few years back and most of that, maybe $8-9K went to the mom - and most of that was after she placed, as a nest egg - she was unemployed, etc. Until that point, the agency held the funds and paid bills on her behalf, so it's not like we just handed the bmom a blank check to spend. The agency really didn't take much for facilitating the adoption. And knowing that the funds were helping her get her life on track was a good thing.