[crick]

Many of you have read/participated in threads about the Today Show interview with the woman who disrupted the adoption of her son. This isn't a debate about her or that specific situation at all, but some of the comments made here and off site have made me curious about our views on disruption.

For some, there is a feeling that we praise and admire a firstmom's decision to not raise her child for a variety of reasons. Yet if an adoptive mother disrupts an adoption, she's a pariah and "OMG! HOW COULD SHE!???"

Is this a double standard we have for amoms? Higher expectations placed on amoms?

Just interested in everyone's thoughts on this.

[BlessedbySnuggs]

Hmmm....not sure where to start.

As a whole, yes I do believe people have higher standards set for aparents. The biggest reason, is because most aparents had to "try so hard" to have children. Example...sometimes I feel like I don't even have the right to say I am stressed out or exhausted. I know that sounds silly, but one time I mentioned about being "worn out" to a "friend" and she said "well you chose this" WOW! Doesn't mean I don't have the right to feel tired or worn out. So that's the first part...Yes, I do think aparents are held to a higher standard that most parents. Thats just my opinion of course.

Second part...lol, I think the biggest problem people had/have with this certain siuation is that she went into this with eyes wide open. I could be wrong, but I believe from what I have read, she had counseling, was made aware of attachment disorder, and other "issues" when adopting an older child and such. I don't think she was fully prepared to deal with this particular adoption as well as having three other kids at the time, and being pregnant with another one. And from what I have read, correct me if I'm wrong, she has another child while trying to "work" through the issues with "D". To me, that doesn't seem right, but again, I am not trying to judge, it just makes it harder for me to feel sympathy in this kind of situation. To me, if you were struggling with "bonding" and other issues, why would you keep having more children. Sorry, that probably sounds harsh, but I just don't get it. To me thats why people are reacting the way they are.

In saying that, I do believe she made the right decision, this child deserves to be loved and wanted 100%, not 50% or 75%. I hope "D" grows up knowing he was loved and wanted by his forever family.

Hope this made sense!

[crick]

I do see your points and it IS harder I think to not judge an amom. I guess I do feel though that if the whole premise of things is "the best interest of the child", then why do we feel the need to judge an amom when it's very clear that the child should be in a family that truly will raise him the way she should be. kwim?

This specific disruption aside, there have been a lot of other disruptions where the amom is just ripped to pieces because she wasn't "strong enough", didn't try hard enough, shouldn't have adopted, etc.

And we are talking about severe behavioral issues likely so it seems just stupid to me that we'd say that when a firstmom can say she doesn't feel strong enough to raise a child from infancy and everyone says "if you believe it's in the best interests of your child, then it's okay. You ARE being strong by making this decision".

I too though have mixed feelings about it all.

And yes, I agree in certain ways there are higher expectations on amoms because we chose to adopt. Never mind that most moms choose to get pregnant and have a child too. That's a choice... But no, it's always the amoms who get that thrown in their faces. "You CHOSE this" when talking about normal parenting issues. lol.

[robandjulie]

Agreeing with PP--for most firstmoms I imagine the assumption about the situation is that it was an unplanned/crisis situation and they're making the best choice they can given an unexpected situation. The option to place for adoption is viewed as going "back to" what had been their "original plan" (the words are hard to find here...please no flames. I don't mean to imply the decision is easy or that first moms just go back to normal life and that it's not still life changing; just saying that from the general public it's viewed as basically a way to "fix" an unexpected/crisis situation and return to something more like the original plan.)

For an Amom, the assumed story is that they researched it, were heavily vetted, were prepared, etc. There weren't a lot of surprises (of course there are unexpected dianoses and histories; people tend to forget that). So to respond as if it was a crisis/unexpected situation and "reverse" the situation seems like poor planning, irresponsible decision making or vetting, etc.

That said, I think that's all a bunch of poor thinking. I think the decision to parent or place for any child should 100% be about the child and what will be best for the child. If the child--bio or adopted--is not getting the family support and love and attachment and all that and it's a chronic situation that will have a lasting adverse impact on the child (and other children in the house) and moving that child to a different family will result in a significant improvement (even after considering the trauma of moving that child), then it's worth considering. A-mom or Bio-Mom, every child deserves a dedicated loving family and if that's not happening it should be fixed. Preferably via therapy, counseling, training, etc to maintain the current family but if that's not possible/effective then harder choices have to be considered.

And, yes, I DO feel like it's taboo to complain about anything to do with my son. If my DD (bio) is being a stinker or difficult or whiney and I say it other parents laugh, commiserate, etc. If DS is doing those same things and someone knows he's adopted I feel like it's either the "You chose this!" response judging me or worse the "Oh, probably b/c he's adopted" response judging HIM and so I find I just can't share that sometimes he's a whiney, whiney, tantruming, control freak, 2 year old. (When he's not a delightful, wonderful, silly, creative 2 year old)

[binkybear]

I'm a specifics person (I read entire threads before posting, I like to research a bit before speaking if I'm not up to date on a topic) so I can say I wouldn't "in general" be tough on an amom. Just like I wouldn't be tough on an emom wanting to place a child.

My initial questions would probably be different for an amom than they would for a bmom. Not because of anything other than amom's and bmom's, imo, DO have a different "starting point" (for lack of a better word or way of describing at this particular time). Bmom's are most times in an unplanned cirisis scenario where as an amom has intentionally reserached and planned the placement. So without any other info on the "specific" disruption all I can say is my starting questions would be unique to each.
If we're talking about special needs. I think it IS different when a child is without warning born with special needs and emom is not prepared for OR have tried to parent a child born to them and find they can not...compared to aparents who have specifically reserached, requested and accepted that they will be living with set special needs. So again my intial questions would be different in an aparent disruption revolving around special needs.

For that specific case I was very vocal in that thread because it was all out there online, in her own words. And what she specifically wrote DID make many of us, in that particular case, feel as though that particular amom was greatly misleading the public as to why the disruption occurred. I don't think she was judged as much as called out on contridictions with of what she herself wrote and said. Because she was on tv and in printe she's that odd case that will probably (sadly) stick out and stereotype other aparents who disrupt.

Regarless of who is parenting, regardless of what their title is, I do 100% think disruptions should occur if a child's welfare is at stake, but man/woman up to it as an adult and don't hold the child partially responsible for your issues. Imo, what she did specifically was cowardice to save a very public face. What another aparent goes through I can't at all speak to without knowing their story.

[mommytoEli]

i think there is a double standard. i'm guilty of thinking the same thing. my first thought is a first mother makes a plan out of love for her child, an adoptive mom makes a plan out of a desire to regain something lost- sanity, perhaps?

i will say, i have learned not to be tough on adoptive parents who disrupt an adoption, because there was a time i thought disruption might be right for me. no one would have seen how hard the placement was on me, they would have just judged me for giving up and failing a child. so....i was almost in that position. i didn't disrupt, and sometimes i wonder if i did everyone in the situation a disservice by doing so. because of what i have learned, i now think this: it is difficult to make a plan for a child to be removed from your care. whether at birth or after, no matter what circumstances have led a person to consider this, losing a child is difficult. even if it was by choice. honestly, if a person does not feel like they can care for the child, i think there is a time and a place for relinquishment- whether it be a newborn adoption or a disruption of an adoption, so that someone willing/able to care for the child can do so. let's not forget that there are also biological parents who make adoption plans for children they have raised for some time. not too long ago i saw a post on this forum from a biological parent, raising i believe 4 children, and she wanted to make a plan for one to be adopted. i have also seen on adoption sites parents making plans for toddlers and preschoolers they have raised since birth. it is not just adoptive parents who make this plan late in the game, so to speak.

i think this particular story is a little odd. but i think in general, when making an alternative plan to raising a child, both adoptive and first parents are *typically* doing what they believe to be in the best interest of their children and families.

[Rainbow mom]

Dear Blessed,

I am the mother of a RADish. I can tell you that our home life has been HELL for 15 years NO ONE could have prepared us for the stuff we have been though. We took the classes too.

No one told us: (abridged version)
He would rage for 45min-2hours per day
He tried to stab me 3 times
He would steal and hoard weapons lighter and fire works in his room
He would go to jail at 17 for being a sex offender.
He would hold his brother down on the bed and beat him telling him if he told us he would slit his throat in the night. (only found this out after DS was incarcerated)

We would loose friends and family because no one wanted thier kids around him. We have stuck by him but after the SO stuff I can tell you MANY of the parents of the SO's have walked away from thier kids, adopted or not. We have not walked away. I can honestly say that I have wanted to many many times. Our family now suffers from PTSD from his behaviors, and have spent a year and a half now in therapy. I also have severe physical issues as a direct result of the stress.

Please please do not judge families (and we definatly are judged more harshly) on how they choose to handle RAD behaviors you may not know how bad they are suffering or where the line in the sand is. Is it better to disrupt then to abuse the child because you have been pushed to far and can't handle them? Are you allowed to have a limit on the abuse the child inflicts on you?

Maybe it was selfish for us to adopt three more kids but in the midst of the insanity we needed normal parenting and love. I told my mom once don't I deserve a little happiness? Now that our RADish isn't in our home we are healing and have a great supportive loving home.

Sorry this turned into a rant *sigh*

[momraine]

I think a big part of it is as others have said, you can have an unplanned pregnancy, but it's pretty hard to have an unplanned adoption. (though it's possible, for instance all the grandparents who end up raising grandkids, and a friend I know who was asked to help out a member of his youth group by keeping her baby for a month so she could get back on her feet, after six months she asked them to adopt the baby and they didn't feel the could refuse because by then they loved the baby)
I think you would see similar backlash against an emom who went to a lot of trouble to get pregnant, like did invitro or something. We did see the anger against moms who give up thier bio kids because thier new boyfriend doesnt' like them.
I do also see a very strong double standard in the way I am treated for adopting a child in a wheelchair, VS telling people the same child has emotional issues. If I complain to a friend about the lack of handicapped parking, or the wheelchair being in the shop, they feel sorry for me, however if I complain about his attachment issues, they are more likely to say I asked for it. Kind of funny since, when I adopted him, I knew about his missing legs. (yeah, I picked up on that pretty quick! LOL) but I did not know about his attachment issues.

[mumofone]

Julie, I so agree with the part about having any type of complaint regarding one of our children. Friends of mine can complain that their kiddos are acting up or whatever, and it's acceptable.

Yet, there are times I've complained, and I was told "this is what you wanted, you chose this". Sadly, these comments come from women. It was said to me just last week by another amom.

I think others (and us, too) place such high expectations on amoms.

In answer to the original question, yes, I think there is a double standard.

I think if a potential expectant mom decides for whatever reason to place her baby for adoption, most people will say "you are doing the right thing", but if an adoptive couple disrupt an adoption because, quite honestly, a child is totally disrupting their family, it is frowned upon.

I am being quite honest here, and it hurts to say this, but the thought of disruption had crossed our minds with regard to our older daughter. But, thankfully, we were able to work through most of her attachment issues.

[meghann]

I don't know. I mean, I'm sure there is a double standard there. I've never been met with the "well, you chose this" sorts of comments, but I've read about them here & so clearly people do hold us to a higher standard.

That said, I'm not inclined, in general, to judge parents who disrupt an adoption. I imagine there are circumstances where what you *thought* the situation was - and you knew you could handle - turns out to be more than you bargained for & you knew you couldn't give what the child needed.

I don't feel like I was judging this woman for disrupting her adoption, or even for not being prepared to handle a child with special needs. I just felt she's being disingenuous about the whole situation - and I'm basing this on her own words and accounting of what went on, in her blogs & whatnot - and that bothers me. I feel - again, based on her own words - that she gave up rather easily on the situation; I feel that having two newborns in the house during the time the boy was living with them makes it nearly impossible that she could have given him what he needed to be able to bond with her. I feel like she (likely quite unintentionally) set up a situation where bonding simply couldn't take place, and then turned it around on him. And that's just awful, IMHO.

But I don't think my feelings about that specific case can be generalized to other disruptions.

[BlessedbySnuggs]

Originally Posted by Rainbow mom

Dear Blessed,

I am the mother of a RADish. I can tell you that our home life has been HELL for 15 years NO ONE could have prepared us for the stuff we have been though. We took the classes too.

No one told us: (abridged version)
He would rage for 45min-2hours per day
He tried to stab me 3 times
He would steal and hoard weapons lighter and fire works in his room
He would go to jail at 17 for being a sex offender.
He would hold his brother down on the bed and beat him telling him if he told us he would slit his throat in the night. (only found this out after DS was incarcerated)

We would loose friends and family because no one wanted thier kids around him. We have stuck by him but after the SO stuff I can tell you MANY of the parents of the SO's have walked away from thier kids, adopted or not. We have not walked away. I can honestly say that I have wanted to many many times. Our family now suffers from PTSD from his behaviors, and have spent a year and a half now in therapy. I also have severe physical issues as a direct result of the stress.

Please please do not judge families (and we definatly are judged more harshly) on how they choose to handle RAD behaviors you may not know how bad they are suffering or where the line in the sand is. Is it better to disrupt then to abuse the child because you have been pushed to far and can't handle them? Are you allowed to have a limit on the abuse the child inflicts on you?

Maybe it was selfish for us to adopt three more kids but in the midst of the insanity we needed normal parenting and love. I told my mom once don't I deserve a little happiness? Now that our RADish isn't in our home we are healing and have a great supportive loving home.

Sorry this turned into a rant *sigh*

I am so sorry you have had to deal with so much....truly I am. (((HUGS)))

I just wanted to point out, again, that I am definitely NOT JUDGING ANYONE, as I have never walked a day in their shoes. I honestly, believe she made the best choice for the child, I just don't agree with how she went about things. I still don't believe that if you are struggling with one child (and have three more, and pregnant with another one), that you should keep having more, but again, thats just my honest opinion, and I'm sorry if that opinion has hurt anyone's feelings. Me, as a parent, just can't imagine CHOOSING to have more children, if I personally felt that I couldn't handle what I was currently dealing with. But again, that is just my PERSONAL feelings.

I can't even pretend to understand attachement related issues; I've never dealt with it. I am assumming that she made the best decision she could, at that time for the child. I hope it was the right decision, and all that matters is that "D" is in a great home, with parents that love him, and can get him the best help he deserves.

[belleinblue1978]

If I had a dime for everytime I've heard "how could you do that?" How could you give away your baby? What kind of mother does that? I'd be a rich woman. Throw in the comments I have heard people make about my first mom and I'd be a gazillionaire.

I think anytime anyone has a child they get judged when they decide they can't parent the child, no matter how the child came to be in their house or why they choose not to parent.

[momraine]

I do think that there is also a difference between people touched by adoption and those not. Adooptive parents are less likely to judge a bio mom who places her child, since we all have kids someone else gave birth to. Because we are grateful for our children, we have respect for the women who gave birth to them. (usually, unless that woman also abused them or allowed them to be abused). Those who have adopted kids with issues are less likely to judge those who disrupt. However, those who have no involvment in adoption will judge anyone who chooses not to parent a child, no matter what the circumstances.

[peregrinerose]

I see it as two different things...

When a bparent terminates rights, it is because she/he as a bparent decides that they can not parent a child... ANY child, at that point in their lives. It is a decision based 100% on the parent and belief in the capacity to raise a child... especially as many make the decision long before birth and the child isn't even known as a person at that point.

When an aparent terminates rights, particularly in this particular case, the decision is based partly on the ability of the parent to deal with that particular child... it's a child-specific decision to some degree. The aparent wants a child, just not THAT child, for whatever reason. That changes the flavor of the process to some degree.

Bparents often relinquish at birth, or shortly thereafter, again emphasizing that it is about bparents, not child.... there's no 'blame' on the child for being somehow not 'right' (I don't have better words that blame/right there, those aren't quite appropriate, but as close as I can come up with right now).

Aparents, however, have a much better idea of what they are getting before the child shows up (age, gender, psych diagnoses, medical history, etc), plus a 6 month window where the child is under 'full warranty' and can be returned PRIOR to adoption.

As aparents, we have plenty of time to research a child, talk to case workers, therapists, etc, plus have them in our homes for 6+ months... if we truly are not the right aparents for that individual child, we have a LOT of opportunity to make that call prior to adoption. A bmom doesn't have that same kind of opportunity prior to birth.

So yes, it is very different, to me. And no, aparents are not held to higher standards.... at least in my mind.

[sunshinemomma]

Some of you may have read my story about our disruption of our adopted son. In my opinion Aparents are held to a higher standard from the general public and from many who have adopted newborns. Maybe not from within the families that have adopted from foster care and have BTDT with older child adoption.

Our worst critics to my face were our SW, an adoptive Mom, the foster Mom who he went to and who then had him moved out of her home and my husband's best friend who had his heart set on being the favorite uncle.

We were publicly vilified by an adoptive mom who had adopted her niece's children at birth. She not only confronted me publicly but also ran around our small community trying to stir up trouble until some other mutual friends told her until she has walked in our shoes
she should really keep her judgements to herself. There were many parents who stopped looking at me in the halls at my children's school. People pulled away, conversations stopped when I came by.

But honestly, I think I was harder on myself than all of them put together. You see I thought that I had done all of my research. I thought that I was going to be the Mom who made a difference in these two children's lives.
When we were pursuing older child adopting I was the one who told doubting family and friends that there is no such thing as "giving them back". We were going to be a family forever come h_ll or high water. I was going to love these two children through their pain and be the one who helped them to heal. I read every book on RAD and went to all the courses. I was going to be able to be a therapeutic parent and change the lives of these two precious children.

When our family was falling apart I couldn't let go. I couldn't fail this child. I hated myself for not loving him enough to make him want to heal. I hadn't tried hard enough or I hadn't tried the right thing. Why wasn't I strong enough to withstand the hatred he directed towards me and my children and husband. Why wasn't I clever enough to find little tricks to make him want to laugh and come and join in our happy little family. Why wasn't I a good enough Mom to make him want to be with us.

Then I would look at my bio son who would look back at me confused and bewildered as to what happened to his happy loving family. Where was his loving and serene Mom. I would look at my new daughter who was trying so hard to heal, trying so hard to help her brother to heal and who wanted so much to be a part of a loving family. She had never really seen us the way we were. I judged and was angry with myself even more for not being able to give them the loving, peaceful, secure home and family that I wanted so much for them. I was failing them as well.

Then I would look at my new son and I could see his pain. I could see him slipping further and further from healing in our home and with our family. I could see that his hatred of us stemmed from his lack of ability to "feel" love for himself. He could see that we all had it and resented each of us for it. Mutual resentment became the relationship between him and the other family members and no matter how hard I tried the gulf widened and deepened. Yet I could also see that somewhere there was a child, a little boy inside of him that wanted to be loved and to be happy and for whatever multitude of reasons wasn't able to do it with our family. He deserved the chance to find that kind of happiness for himself. But what if he didn't and just bounced around from family to family. Could I live with that?

It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. To admit that I wasn't able to be the parent that this child needed me to be for him. That our family dynamics were not the family dynamics that this child needed to heal. That "I" was going to be an adoptive parent that "gave a child back" to the system. The very kind of parent that I would have judged and had a huge distain for. The kind of parent that failed a child that I had chosen to bring into my home with my eyes wide open.

Yes I do think that we judge adoptive parents and hold them to a higher standard. But honestly, I believe that we should.