[yehudit]

Hi Everyone. I need a vent and tho0ught some of you might be able to help, or at least offer sympathy.

As some of you know, my almost 6-year old son has high-functioning autism. We haven't been told specifically that it's asperberger's, but it's very similar. The good news is that he talks, sometimes makes eye contact, and has a great imagination.

Right now we're having trouble because he gets in these moods where he is either uncooperative or downright rude. We don't tolerate this and give consequences, which sometimes work but mostly don't and often prompt a meltdown, where nothing helps him clam down and he screams his head off. As if that's not hard enough, DH has a tough time keeping his cool, which as you can imagine escalates things even more.

He is mostly potty-trained for daytime, but we still has a tough time with #2. Last night he was making his "poopy face" and DH took him to the potty. I was sure he'd "produce" but he didn't. Then before bed we tried to get him to sit on the potty as is our routine but he refused. We knew he's make a poop in his pull-up overnight and sure enough he did. When DH heard about it, he went in with guns blazing to clean him up which OF COURSE prompted a meltdown, which made DH even angrier. Oh, forgot to add that yesterday in after care he punched another kid and we punished him for that.

I can deal with this if it happens once in a while, but it's been happening almost every morning. Sometimes DH's anger starts it, sometimes we can't figure out what started it. We've been offering food first thing in the am and soemtimes it helps but sometimes not.

So here's my question: I know that for neurotypical kids you are supposed to ignore a tantrum. But what about kids with autism? Sometimes I give him a hug and turn out the light just to calm him down long enough to talk to him, but am I enabling him by doing this? He's not able to turn it off on his own and there is no getting through to him in the thick of it. DH thinks I am and I feel that too but I think we need to work with his unique neroprofile and not treat him like evry kid (because he's not ). I have asked if school is going OK and speak with his teacher regularly and seem *appear* to be going fine. I just don't know what do to and there aren't many people one can ask.

If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me and I hope UI've made sense. It's all so overwhelming and sometimes I'm not even sure myself what's happening.

[jennygirl]

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I don't. Just want to offer you a ((((HUG)))). Sounds like you have a lot to deal with. Hope you and DH can find a plan that works for everyone in the house.

[Saya]

I don't have any real insight for you, but have you tried posting on the special needs boards? I know there are some posters there whose kids are on the autism spectrum, and might have some useful advice.

[socialkat78]

Does your school or speical ed team have any autism resources that they can pull from that might be able to help. There are some great books out there about Austism. I just got The Incredible 5-point Scale to use with a school. Also, what about giving him a sensory reinforcement that he really likes right after he does go to the potty?

[Nevada Jen]

You definately have to parent special kids different than typical children. That may mean you need to be more strict (with my daughter that was what was necessary) or more lenient or just more creative. I will tell you the easiest way to parent non typical kids is to avoid triggers. Clearly, you feel that your husband getting upset is a trigger for your DS. You need to have a calm conversation with your DH about keeping his cool no matter what. Explain to him that he needs to substitute "hmmm. . .this sounds like a problem for mom" in place of raising his voice or using a nasty tone (can you tell I have experience in this area?).

We had success with my disabled DD religiously following 123 Magic but I am not sure that will work for you as I can consider her to be intellectually disabled and your son is more emotionally diabled from the sounds of it. Still its a cheap book and we saw a complete turn around in a week when we followed it to the letter. Might be worth a try.

[BZmom7]

Yehudit....When I first started reading your post, it SO MUCH sounded like where we are. We also have a son who was just dx'd with Autisum over the summer months. He's also high funtioning. Our son will be 6yrs. the end of Jan. and up until 2 months ago would #2 in a pull-up EVERY night!! He would pee on the potty but not the other. I even tried taking the pull-ups away and having him wear his underware to bed (which he doesn't wet at night)...only to have him "hold" the poo for many many days until we were afraid of a blockage ! We sat him on the toilet everynight and "nuttin". Then one night, out of the blue, he just DID IT . We had such a big whooo haaa about it that he liked the "poopy party" we had lol, that he's been doing it ever since!! Don't give up. Your lil guy sounds a lot like ours...he knows what to do...BUT...will do it when HE wants to do it!

I agree with the other poster about watching what "triggers" the melt-downs and try to head em off at the pass.

Good Luck

[kara05kara]

I have been working with kids with Autism for 7 years, and let me tell you bowel movement issues are the norm.

Important questions to ask yourself are: Are his bowel movements daily? What is the consistency of the bowel movement? Does he eat a variety of food- including fruits and veggies- AND does he drink water while he eats? Is he chewing his food? It not, the bowel movement could be quite painful, leading him to withhold, leading to even more painful bowel movement.

Is he willing to go in a pull-up and just not in the toilet? (If so, you can allow him to wear the pull up as he sits on the potty, then cut a hole in the pull up and fade that slowly.) For now, could you could get him to request a pull up and assist you in clean up?

Both you and your dh need to be very calm and encouraging with him around bowel movement because it can easily be an issue waaaaay into the teenage years.

Also, check around in your area for a parent support group. You are an awesome Mom, and sometimes it's good to hear from other Moms of kids with ASD that they struggle with the same issues. Plus, once someone has BTDT they can give great ideas!

Natalie

[yehudit]

Hi Again and thanks for the encouragement. Talked with DH lasy night he thought yesterday am was just fine . So I told him that he could get DS dressed every morning and I'll ignore the meltdown. But so far so good this am.

As for the birthmom issue -- what's frustrating is that he's been going #2 on the potty for almost a year. Our routine is he sits on the potty right before bed or if he seems to need it. If he doesn't produce it's OK because we've seen him try. The other night he refused to sit on the potty even though it's part of our daily routine. Then had a birthmom in his pull-up. I think he eats OK and loves snacking on apples, cukes, celery. He just doesn't eat much in general. We've learned not to stress about it and let him learn how to trust his body.

[CaddoRose]

I asked my sister who's son has Asperger's. He is now 18 and on the honor roll in regular classes and will going to college next year. He was similar to your son when he was the same age.She also has a step-son who is 10 that has Aspergers too. Here is her response to your post:

First off, everyone needs to be in therapy. The kid in behavior management therapy, the family in therapy about how to deal with an Autistic kid, and perhaps anger management therapy for the dad. Him getting mad will do NOTHING for the situation, as the mom has already figured out.

I'm really big on point systems with lots of visuals for Aspie kids. It is the best way to deal with those times when the child simply does not want to comply. The child has to be taught that if they want to maintain the privileges that are at the top of the list then they MUST comply with the rules, which also must be extremely clear.

Absolute consistency is a must. The same rules need to apply at home, school, church, grandparent's house, etc. Only when the child understands that the rules are always the same, that the same consequences are going to follow undesirable behavior and that the same privileges are going to follow desired behavior, will he comply; because he WANTS the good things that come with the good behavior.

If the child is not in special ed then he needs to be placed there, asap. He might be functioning ok in a regular classroom setting right now, but as he goes up in grades there will be less structure which will result in him having more behavior problems. Also, having the child is sp-ed means that he should be able to get at least some special services in the way of behavior management.

It is necessary to remember at all times that Aspies are literal. Therefore, if something is not on the list they will think that it is not necessary for them to comply. The parent (teacher, etc) needs to leave themselves an out with this and add "etc" or "as parent determines" to the list(s)

For a six year old, I would have pictures of the priviledge next to the written word (ie, DVD player w/ pic of movie, pic of PS2, toys, etc).

The dad needs to take a major chill pill. If he can not handle that his child still has toileting issues, then he needs to not be the one to wake him up in the morning. Or, he needs to stay out of the way until mom has dealt with it.

With the screaming, melt down, fit throwing, the child needs to either be placed in a safe place (an empty room) or put in a therapeutic restraint until he has calmed down, with the understanding that he will not be allowed out of the room or out of the restraint until he has complied. If he starts again, then it's back to the room or restraint.