[oceanica]

So I have two little babies and I want to be a really great mom. One thing I want to do is to play with them... I mean really play like actually playing tag and hide and seek, climbing on the monkey bars, playing candyland, etc etc. (OK I miss a few things about being a kid so I'm kind of excited to get to do some of these things again!) That wasn't completely what I was getting at, but it's something a little different that I am planning to do.
So much about parenting is learned by trial and error. I have a little time before they grow bigger so I'd like to pick your brains now.
Think about your mom (or dad) and what they did well. What was the best thing about them? What did they do right? Can you tell me so I can learn ahead of time? What were their best characteristics as a parent? Any big pitfalls would be appreciated too!

[zxczxcasdasd]

The best thing my parents did was focus on building character, as they knew that it would do more for us ultimately than just about everything else.

The other thing was that giving us the best education they could came first, before ANY material consideration. We did not have new clothes, we *never* ate out, went on vacation (well, 3 times in my childhood we drove to another state to visit family, but that's IT), or were given anything other than the opportunity to earn it for ourselves (I don't mean by "being good." I mean, we were free to get a job to pay for our own stuff). We had beat up old cars, lived in a so-so area...but they paid tuition for us at good private schools all the way through. And when it came time for us to choose colleges, there were no limits placed on us regarding location or cost. We both chose private universities where the combined tuition for both of us (we're 2 yrs apart) well exceeded my dad's annual income. BUT, because education had been a priority, we both got significant financial aid and scholarships, and made up the rest with work study and took on our own student loans after graduation and financed our own grad school (she got a paid fellowship for PhD, I paid for a Master's- she's just always one- or ten- steps ahead!) and are both now college profs (she a dept chair and a Fulbright scholar, me an adjunct )

What they did *not* do well. There was a certain sense of never-good-enough with the pursuit of academic success. B's were failure and even though I was ASB pres, had a 4.0 and was a total goody-two-shoes wanna-be missionary, I was often made to feel like an irresponsible nitwit. The teasing was too close to home and often hurt.

They did *not* manage the sibling relationship well and so my sister grew up HATING me and I grew up desperate to please her and constantly rejected. I truly believe if they had taken the time to help us understand and respect how we were different, I could have respected her cherished "territory" and she could have given me a little attention and affirmation. I wanted her love and approval, she wanted her space. We had to wait until we were adults to figure it out on our own and repair the years of anger and pain.

They used disdain and ridicule of others to motivate us-- "get A's or you'll be like *them*" or "be good or you'll wind up like *those people*". As a result, my sister and I had a deeply ingrained intellectual, spiritual, moral and academic snobbery that I figured out during college and my sister still hasn't, sadly. I hope to motivate my kids without instilling disdain for others.

LOVE that you want to play with them!

[jalapeno]

We often played cards or boardgames after dinner when I was a kid. I liked that. Our kids are still a little young for that but we still just play with them after dinner. No TV. The other night we got out the keyboard and let them play that for a while. And we all danced around. It was really pretty hilarious. So much fun for everybody.

My mom always seemed to have good ideas for my brother and I when we were bored. She would do craft projects with us. She would sign us up for interesting summer classes. She would include us in cooking dinner. She always let me wrap gifts with her. I enjoyed that. Both of my parents always seemed to want my brother and I around. I always felt included with whatever was going on.

We went to the pumpkin patch this past Saturday as a family. The kids are a bit young for knives obviously (i.e. jack-o-lanterns) but we're going to paint our pumpkins as a family. I think just doing projects together is important. The point is not to get the pumpkins painted. The point is to do something together.

My father taught me life lessons. How to manage money. How to work. How to get along with people. Valuable lessons that I didn't fully appreciate until I was older.

My mother inspired me. She would get my brother and I up at some ridiculous hour of the morning and drive us out to the desert so we could watch falling stars. We saw Haley's comet because of her. She made me participate in things. I volunteered for a telethon because of her. I volunteered in some brainwaves study at a local university because of her. We went to museums because of her. We did interesting stuff that we would not have done if it had been left up to my brother and I. We would have just watched TV.

[RavenSong]

Oceanica,

Reading your post brought a smile to my face, as I let the memories of my parents playing with me as a small child wash over me. I think those particular memories are my most cherished ones.

When I was little, my mom and I would both lay on the living-room carpet in front of our old black-and-white TV, each with our own coloring book. I remember how pretty her coloring was and how I tried to emulate her...she taught me to stay inside the lines instead of scribbling.

My parents played childhood games with me, like hide-and-seek, "This little piggy went to market", "Here is the church...here is the steeple...", all those "little kid" games. I loved it when my dad would spend hours at the park with me, pushing me on the swings and merry-go-round.

We lived down at the beach when I was a little girl...and both my parents used to take my arms and swing me up over the small "baby" waves. My dad used to put me up on his shoulders and go out into the deeper water. He was a surfer, and I thought my mom was going to kill him one day when she discovered that he had put me on the nose of his surfboard and taken me out to the big waves. I inherited my love of the ocean from my father, and I treasure those early memories to this day.

My parents were very young when they had me, and I'm always telling my friends that one of the advantages of having young parents is that I always had someone to play with me.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share the good memories....

P.S. You're gonna do fine -- you have a playful spirit, and you're already a great mom...

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Oceanica,

My parents were very young when they had me, and I'm always telling my friends that one of the advantages of having young parents is that I always had someone to play with me.

I think we older parents can and do play too! We may not remember the games though!

Seriously I don't have tons of good stuff but my mom used to sign us up for mommy and me art lessons which was special as I was the youngest of 3. I loved that. Dad used to take us in "the magic car" once a month or so. An adventure we didn't know about until we got there.....some pretty random stuff but fun!

But you know what, I think one of the best things was the way my father looked at us. He always looked calm and sweet and he adored/adores his children. I take that look with me always.

[Amber76]

My mom was the best at singing silly songs whenever we were in the car. I know so many goofy songs that most people my age have never heard of because of that! She also always had us "help" her in the kitchen with baking and such. I remember lots of times of standing on the chair at the kitchen counter icing and sprinkling cupcakes and cookies. She also read to us a lot and made up silly stories about us.

Dad was less hands on, but I remember how much I loved it when I got to help him work on one of the cars. (Which usually entailed me sitting in the driver's seat and honking the horn at him while he was under the hood!). He also was always the one to brush my hair because mom said if he didn't she was chopping it off because she didn't want to hear me complain! (I had super long, super thick hair.)

[Cjmeck]

Great questions! I'll be sure to read this whole thread. The best thing I remember about my mom growing up is that she was always a soft place to fall. She didn't judge me, she was honest with me about everything, and I could really, really trust her. I remember shared, special quite moments with her--despite her having 4 children that most of the time she raised alone. She always made special one on one time for each of us. My dad is harder b/c he was undiagnosed bipolar while I was growing up... But if I have to pick something good about him, I'd say he was really laid back, didn't get stressed out about day to day things, and he was (well, half the time) the play with us kind of dad. He was fun to be around.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by Cjmeck

Great questions! I'll be sure to read this whole thread. The best thing I remember about my mom growing up is that she was always a soft place to fall. She didn't judge me, she was honest with me about everything, and I could really, really trust her. I remember shared, special quite moments with her--despite her having 4 children that most of the time she raised alone. She always made special one on one time for each of us. My dad is harder b/c he was undiagnosed bipolar while I was growing up... But if I have to pick something good about him, I'd say he was really laid back, didn't get stressed out about day to day things, and he was (well, half the time) the play with us kind of dad. He was fun to be around.

That's really sweet. I love what you said about your mom. I would love E to someday say that about me (more than that I baked cookies with him and stuff like that....kwim?)

I esp liked it because my mom was like falling into a thorny rose bush!

[Cjmeck]

Originally Posted by Stormster

That's really sweet. I love what you said about your mom. I would love E to someday say that about me (more than that I baked cookies with him and stuff like that....kwim?)

I esp liked it because my mom was like falling into a thorny rose bush!

Thanks... I'm sitting here crying now, what a nut! We moved 1200 miles away from my parents 10 weeks ago and I miss them (even my dad) soooooo much.
I know you'll be that mom to E, I see it in your every post

[Betelnut]

Two things I think were great that my parents did:

First, they had their own interests and passions. My Mom for science, such as geology and biology, and crafts, especially crocheting and, later, quilting, and my Dad for photography, geology and paleontology, and crafts. Both my parents took adult education classes. My Dad took metalwork, woodwork, silk screening. He had a lapridary machine and his own dark room. My Mom actually finished her degree when I was a kid (in microbiology) but also pursued painting and quilting. Both were and are avid birders. Recently, my Dad won a gold medal at the Senior Olympics for table tennis (doubles). He turned 80 this year.

This taught me so much. It was great to see them doing their own thing and learning, always learning. They were, and are, engaged in life. I learned that life is about exploring, learning, trying new things, engaging your mind.

The second thing that my parents did well was to talk to us and let us be ourselves. We had family dinners, we did things together, like fossil hunting, we were respected. I was an overweight kid, but I never, never was judged or put down for this. They accepted their kids for who we were and supported us.

[lovemy2boys]

Best things my parent's did:

They spent time with us. My dad worked 7 days a week, but it never seemed like it ~ it always felt like he was involved with us.

They did not indulge us in materialistic things...We only got "stuff" on Christmas and our Birthdays (and wow, did we get stuff then) but throughout the year, they didn't just blindly hand us things...And to coincide with that, they taught us that in order to "get" things, you had to work hard for them.

They modeled strength of character, even when dealing with adversity. They still do.

We had tons of fun traditions/rituals...From little to big. Even now, When I say goodbye to my mom, I say "Later Gater" and she says "After While Crocodile". That little stuff has stuck with me since I was a kid.

Worst things they did...

Best intentions, but worst consequences...they tried to shield us from the hard things in life. Unfortunately, when we found out about them, we felt a bit betrayed.

Like Heidi's parents, they had academic expectations, and if they weren't met, my parents weren't pleased. Hence the reason I'm just now going back to school at 37...I couldn't take the pressure and dropped out of college.

They didn't tell us there was "more" out there. They had very specific ideas of what we (well, I) should be. My Dad wanted me to be a mom and a teacher. He STILL wants me to be a mom and a teacher, and although that's what I want to be, I want it on MY terms, not his. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized I could do so much...I could have studied in Poland for basically free simply because of my cultural background...I could have become an Ethnographist and studied far away cultures. It's a big world out there...

These are the three things I'm changing for my children. I will:

1) make sure they have an honest, age appropriate understanding of circumstances in our life.

2) make sure they know that we want them to try hard in school, but if they don't get A's or B's, we're ok with that.

3) let them know there's a whole world out there to explore, if they so choose.

[mumofone]

I can honestly say, without a doubt, the best things that were given to us by our parents cost very little financially. They gave us their time...endless amounts of it. Going for drives, board games, the beach, spending time with family, camping...those were the best times of our young lives.

We weren't rich growing up...my mom was a SAHM. There was no money for university, but we were fine with that. We accessed student loans and bursaries, etc.

A quote I like, "Our children need our presence more than presents".

[aclee]

My Dad was (and still is) a big kid. When I wanted to sit in the splash section at the Shamoo show at seaworld, he said, "Pick out a seat"...he was ready for anything. I loved spending one on one time with him, even when I got older.

I would say that their biggest "pitfall" was pushing hard work/college too much. My father worked very hard for our family, and he saw education as a way "up". In the process of teaching us to work hard, he forgot to help us figure out our dreams and what we wanted. We were always just told, work hard, get good grades, go to college. As a result, I am a hard worker, but even at 31, have no idea what I want to "be". I had no ambition really, no "dream" like many kids have.

[Dickons]

Always having dinners together.

Always doing family things after church - summer it was the beach, hikes, drives - whatever the weather dictated - winter we always had a fire on and would sit and talk about whatever and end up snoozing on the rug by the fire or singing songs and playing our instruments.

Always having time to stop and have a chat.

Always going swimming together throughout the summer (we went several times a week).

Always allowing us to help with what they were doing and showing us how.

Taking us on summer picnics and playing ball or other fun games as a group.

Finding what we were good at and then helping us get better at it...

Yearly camping road trips to a new destination and then really exploring it. Roasting marshmallows around the fire. I think I went to every state park in the western half of the US before I grew up.

Just being there for us and listening without interuption and really hearing us.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Bnoll]

Reading this thread has brought tears to my eyes. It's really amazing to see what all we remember from so long ago!

There were many great things my parents did. Growing up, we had very, very few financial resources. This shaped a lot of our activities and what I was exposed to. My parents wanted me to succeed in life and education was a way out of poverty for me. However, instead of pressuring me to do well, from early on they instilled an intrinsic desire to do well in school. They would tell my sister and I about their finances, they'd take us to the pawn shops to pawn their wedding rings for bill money. We saw our parents struggle quite a bit and that really made us want to do better for ourselves and future children. Perhaps this wasn't the "healthiest" approach, but it worked. My dad also drove me around to the REALLY nice parts of town and told me "if you get your education, this is where you can live." That really stuck with me. Instead of pointing out what we didn't want to become, he focused of what we should want to become.

Also, my mother was very open with us about absolutely everything. If we did something stupid, she let us know. If she did something stupid, she fessed up. There was never any guessing on where you stood in the family. This made her seem more approachable and I remember having quite a few conversations with her that had they not occurred, I would have done some pretty dumb stuff.

Finally, as we didn't have any funds for extravagant outings/vacations, we found joy in the little things. I remember simply tossing a ball back and forth to my dad during the fall and going yard sale hunting during the summer. Like a PP said, kids need your presence, not presents.

Now, for the not-so-awesome stuff. I always have been overweight. My father used to (for all intents and purposes) ridicule me about it. I know he was just concerned about my health, but the manner in which he went about it was utterly unacceptable. He would make very nasty comments about people staring at me because of my size during dinner so I wouldn't eat. Yeah, good job dad. Can you tell I'm still a little bitter over that??

Other than that, I really can't think of any major things that they did wrong. Thank you for creating this thread. It brought back a lot of wonderful memories!