[mumofone]

My DH was adopted in the 60's and met his biological parents (married one another) and his 3 full siblings 13 years ago. They found him...he didn't want to search because he didn't want to upset either family.

Anyway, everything was wonderful, lots of visits, phone calls, etc. When we adopted our first child, they treated him very well.

About 7 years ago, hubby's twin nieces moved in with the grandparents to finish off their education. Things dwindled from there with regard to our family.

We continued to add children to our family, and no effort was made by them in any way. No fuss at all. It hurt.

Hubby's youngest sister had her first baby almost 3 years ago, and my children have all but been forgotten. They live 2 1/2 hours away from the daughter, but often drive up to get their granddaughter for extended visits with them. My children only get presents at Xmas and Birthdays...no visits unless we go there. When we visited last, grandma said she got this for "R" for Easter...my children got nothing. In fact, our youngest daughter had her birthday in April and didn't even get a phone call. Don't get me wrong, I'm not that interested in material things, but if you buy for one, you should buy for another, and my oldest are starting to notice the differences. She is always comparing "R" and our youngest. Grandpa just goes along with all of it.

My 6 year old asked me why they don't come to her birthday parties, and I told her to ask nanny the next time we saw them, and my daughter did just that. Grandma told her she never knows what she is working that far in advance, which is crap...she is a nurse, and knows her schedule a year in advance, as it just rotates. They make a point of visiting "R" 2 1/2 hours away on her birthdays.

DH is upset as well, but, he will most likely never confront them. You would think that someone who placed a child for adoption would have a clue...yet she doesn't.

They fall all over their bio granddaughers, but will not make any effort at all with our children. Sadly, they realize it now, and it breaks my heart.

I told DH I am done trying. I will not visit as it isn't reciprocated.

Seriously, I don't know what to do.

[Dickons]

Perhaps it is adoption guilt? Have you tried to have a conversation alone with the gparents?

But regardless of the reason your first concern must always be for your own immediate family - follow what your conscience dictates is the best for your family.

Pretty sure your hubby must be feeling the rejection, I would.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Stormster]

Tough situation. Are your DH's adoptive parents in your lives?

[Magic_Hat]

That's so sad, especially for your husband!
Would you ever have a conversation with her about it? Would your DH be okay with it if you wanted to?

[mumofone]

Storm, his adoptive dad passed away, but his mom is still active in our lives.

I won't confront them because she'd write us off for sure. She's done it in the past to others. I won't take that chance.

I just don't understand it. I mean, why search, have a relationship and then when your daughter's kiddos move in and another daughter has a new baby, our kiddos are ignored. I know it bothers DH, too, but we are adults and can deal with it...it's the kiddos we are worried about.

We live 1 1/2 hours from them, but we purposely haven't visited since April. We used to visit at least every 6 weeks or so. We haven't even had a phone call from them. We are tired of them not visiting, etc. Thankfully, we all have a wonderful relationship with the siblings.

It almost feels that because our children aren't biological grandchildren, they aren't family.

They haven't attended any of our children's birthday parties since our oldest was 4, and he's almost 12 now. The only Christening they attended was for our oldest.

If they treated everyone equal, there wouldn't be an issue.

There's so much unfairness, but I don't want to get into here.

I told DH that I won't go there again. I don't want my children compared to her other "grandchildren". Our youngest son turns 5 next Friday, we'll see if he gets a phone call, but I doubt it.

Thanks for listening.

[Yash]

Originally Posted by mumofone

Storm, his adoptive dad passed away, but his mom is still active in our lives.

I won't confront them because she'd write us off for sure. She's done it in the past to others. I won't take that chance.

I just don't understand it. I mean, why search, have a relationship and then when your daughter's kiddos move in and another daughter has a new baby, our kiddos are ignored. I know it bothers DH, too, but we are adults and can deal with it...it's the kiddos we are worried about.

We live 1 1/2 hours from them, but we purposely haven't visited since April. We used to visit at least every 6 weeks or so. We haven't even had a phone call from them. We are tired of them not visiting, etc. Thankfully, we all have a wonderful relationship with the siblings.

It almost feels that because our children aren't biological grandchildren, they aren't family.

They haven't attended any of our children's birthday parties since our oldest was 4, and he's almost 12 now. The only Christening they attended was for our oldest.

If they treated everyone equal, there wouldn't be an issue.

There's so much unfairness, but I don't want to get into here.

I told DH that I won't go there again. I don't want my children compared to her other "grandchildren". Our youngest son turns 5 next Friday, we'll see if he gets a phone call, but I doubt it.

Thanks for listening.

Could it be a simple case of a son is a son until he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for life? I'm not saying that's right or endorsing the behavior.

But I've seen in my own family the differences between the son's children and the daughter's children. I know for a fact that my grandma was a million times closer to me and all of her grandchildren from her daughters than she ever was to her grandchildren from her sons.

My friend was in this position you were in. My friend is adopted and really wanted her kids to have relationships with all of their biological relatives. She would actually spend the holidays for her kids' sake with the inlaws over her own loving adoptive family.

Her inlaws went to Germany and bought her SIL's plane ticket to go and bought the daughter tons of gifts. My friend's children, the only grandchildren, got nada. My friend was beyond pissed that she and her hubby drive the kids to the neighboring state for family birthdays and anniversaries, yet Grandma and Grandpa couldn't be bothered to even pick up a doll or a stuffed animal at the airport for their grandkids. This incident was the straw that broke the camel's back.

So she's stopped trying to force a relationship, stopped expecting anything at all from Grandma and Grandpa. She realized that at least for now or until Grandma and Grandpa make an effort, her kids will be blissful content to be spoiled rotten by her parents. The grandparents who show up at birthday parties, who call just to say, "Hi", who take the change out of their pockets to keep in piggy banks so the grandkids can have spending money when they come to visit, who drive five hours to visit their grandchildren, and whose lives are all about being grandparents.

[mumofone]

Thanks, Yash. I can understand the part about girls/boys and being closer to the daughter's children. But, why wait until 7 years ago to start going downhill? Their older granddaughters are 22, while the youngest is almost 3. Mine are all in between them with my youngest being almost 2 1/2.

We don't even give them pics of the kiddos anymore because they don't put them up anyway...yet the other grandchildren, nieces and nephews are plastered everywhere.

I guess I just wanted active grandparents in their lives. The more people that love them...the better. He is their only grandfather. DH's dad passed away while DH was High School, and my dad passed away 6 years ago.

I think I will stand firm and not visit with the kiddos. Maybe, just maybe, they will realize what they are doing. DH won't be impressed. I'm sure he'd like to pretend the differences don't exist rather than cause friction.

It's been almost 6 months since contact...we'll see where it goes from here.

[SuzySSunshine]

How often do you see your husband's parents? I would focus on the branches of his family that are most firmly established and functioning well.

[rtsmom]

Not the same circumstances, but... DH is not adopted, but his sister is, so his mom is also an adoptive mom. DH's mom always acknowledges our bio kids' birthdays but rarely the adoptive kids' birthdays. Our bio-daughter and one of our a-sons were born ON THE SAME DAY (9 years apart). I kid you not. She'll mail a birthday card to our bio-daughter but not to our a-son.

It drives my mother crazy. I don't even notice anymore. Our a-sons have special needs and are not able to cognitively grasp the favourtism, so I got over it a long time ago.

I feel your frustration!