[megaphonemo]

Okay, I need some help forum friends. DD#1 just turned 4 in August. She is big for her age (43 inches tall and 51 well balanced pounds (read:not fat - just solid)) and very atheletic. So we signed her up for a soccer clinic for 4-5 year olds, that lasts for 3 weeks before the 4-5 year old league starts.... She was excited..... Got new shin guards and all...

1st week - last week - she was okay in the beginning - but then decided she did not like the coach and was tired and sort of stopped paying attention. ALL the other kids kept going - but all they were doing was learning how to 'dribble' and a few other games. No shooting on the goal or a real soccer game. She did fall once, flat on her back - and she cried and I ran over and she stoppped and rejoined the activities. I considered it a success!

2nd week - yesterday. She was excited to go, and walked in, and decided she wanted the one blue, black and white ball that someone else had. I told her no. She did not touch a ball and did not participate at all. I did not let her leave - so we sat and watched the other kids play..... I put her out there at least once, and as long as she was not a distraction, I thought that was fine (but once she started doing the wrong thing - I had to stop her). She did none of the warm up things, and then when they started to play a game, thought she wanted to play. I said no - either you warm up and do the whole thing or nothing. You can't just do the fun parts..... after 30 minutes of that, we left (and she wanted her routine drink from the machine, and I said no way, and she cried.) I was very disappointed... I let her know that. And she got no TV the rest of the day. Took her home and took the baby out shopping to cool down - I was very frustrated....

Now my question: Is she too young for this? Should we just pull out now and be done until next year?? Remember it is a thing for 4-5 year olds, and I was amazed that mine was the only one not listening like the world depended on it. I got to talking to another mom, who told me that her daughter, while littler than my DD#1, was about to turn 7 - yes - 7 years old. No wonder she can pay such close attention - she is 3 years older than my Bean!! Made me wonder how many of the other kids are not really 4-5, you know? Am I raising a quitter? I honestly think that if we quit, she would never know the difference....

Part of me is mad that the rec center lets 7 year olds join the class for 4-5 year olds - of course the "coach" will work to the majority of kids with that skill level... no?? EVERY other kid was doing what he asked - they can't all be older than her, can they??

What do I do??? (p.s. the pre league thing was $35, but the league is $100 - that I already paid for and could get back if we drop out now). Not that I care about the money, but it is hard to sit there and not have her care...

HELP!!

Mega

[yehudit]

Hi Mega,

I understand. When thing 1 was 3 we signed him up for 10 weeks of swimming lessons for 3 year olds. There were 3 boys in the class and they took turns with the instructor. Well thing 1 wanted nothing to do with it. He cried all through calss and refused to go with the instructor. We made him stick it out and it got better towards the end, but he didn't really learn to swim.

Here are some questions:

--Did DD ask to play soccer, or did you just sign her up?
--Have you spoken to the coach about this?
--Have you tried offering her a reward for full participation (as opposed to punishment for con-participation)?

In general, it's important for kids to understand what it means to be on a team, that you have to practice and that is not the same as playing the game. But there needs to be a good balance between the fun and not-fun esp at this age. And you're right, no fair to expect a 4 year old to keep up with 7 year olds.

Good luck,

[lovemy2boys]

When I was 5, I asked to join soccer. I was the only girl on the team, and I was awful. My parents would not let me quit...Their motto was you sign up, you finish the season. If you don't want to play next season, then you don't have to. But once you commit, your team is depending on you and you have to follow through. This is one of the biggest lessons my Dad has taught me, and it is value that I hold with me today.

I do the same with my boys who have been in sports since they were 3. But there are always exceptions and you can totally gauge them as a parent. My oldest joined karate when he was 5...He lasted 2 days and I let him out of it because I could tell that his maturity level and the instructors expectations didn't "fit" (plus, as you said, the class started at age 5 and went to age 12...SERIOUSLY?!?)

For your daughter, I think you should just finish out the 3 weeks and then be done with it for now. I wouldn't spend the next $100 if it's not her thing. She tried it, it didn't suit her, move on to the next interest. I'd tell her that she committed to play and she needs to finish out the last week of the clinic. That way, she's "finishing" out the first stage, and not really quitting, you know?

On a side note, my kids LOOOVE sports...They've done everything here from basketball to ice skating to golf and everything in between. But they are NOT fans of soccer. NO idea why, they just aren't...

Maybe they get it from me.

[megaphonemo]

As usual, good advice!! She did not ask for it, i just signed her up (hoping she'd meet some kids as we are still sort of new here). But she was excited....

I agree with the finishing the 3 weeks, and then letting it go from there... She has actually asked about basketball - maybe I redirect that way... I am tempted to do the swimming classes, but have not for fear of the same experience you had.... And maybe we don't use the word quit, we just say she is done with that session...

Agree too that we need a better balance of fun vs non-fun - because yesterday was miserable for everyone! I think you actually helped me decide just now!!

Mega

[emtb79]

I totally go with what Love said to finish up the clinic.

On a note of the almost 7 yr old in the group perhaps because she was so small she would get mowed over by her age group. I was playing soccer when I was 13 and they put me with the 10-12 age group because I was small and got mowed over by my age group.

[crick]

I really think a lot of kids at age 4 approach team activities and sports this way. They'll be interested on some level but not perhaps for the whole thing.

It's trial and error and no, I don't think you are raising a quitter if you don't put her back in for the next one. It takes time for kids to really see what they like and time to feel good about what they are doing.

One thing you might consider too is your level of participation. Part of being on a team and sports is developing the listening to the coach. Maybe try this week out by not getting involved during the practice and see how she does? Sometimes there can be a bit of "playing the parent" during these things, kwim?

Coaches for this age do know how well kids listen (ha!) so often will have ways to try and get the kids involved. DD needs to see coach directing her and not mom during practice. You might talk to the coach prior to this and get his/her opinion and see what they think. Often if seasoned coaches, they can offer some great insight!

Oh, and one more thing related to the quitting vs. you will play no matter what dilemma. My oldest is in 7th grade and plays soccer. There is a girl on his team that HATES soccer and her mom made her sign up anyway because she feels she needs more group activity. She literally stands there in mid field and if the ball comes directly at her, she'll make a 1/2 attempt to kick at it. Otherwise, she just stands there the whole time she's in the game. The other kids can't stand it because they are out there giving it their all and trying to win a game. So my feeling is sometimes it is better for everyone involved if parents wouldn't make their child play a sport. That's why I think a balance learned when the kids are younger is really important. This girl is 13 by not being allowed to quit something she truly hates, she is not only affecting the team, but it's hurting her emotionally as well because some kids on the team make their opinions known. That's rough.

[mommytoEli]

the opposite happend to us once in baseball. it was supposed to be by age, and ds was 12...and ended up with 8 and 9 year olds. he was huge and strong compared to them. we fought it, no one cared, and in the end, we had to pull him out for safety reasons- we were afraid he'd hurt someone. my son IS a quitter....so it was a tough call....but in the end, we just wanted everyone to be safe. that one incident didn't make him more of a quitter. we waited a few years, and he chose a different sport that he has been doing successfully, with kids his age, ever since. that particular experience just wasn't right for him.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by crick

So my feeling is sometimes it is better for everyone involved if parents wouldn't make their child play a sport. That's why I think a balance learned when the kids are younger is really important.

I agree with you. My kids have tried so many different sports that were available through our city that now, even at 5 and 8, they've had enough experience with different things to know what they love. For both of them, it happens to be basketball and baseball.

Spring, they choose basketball. Summer, they choose baseball. In the winter, I pull out the trusty Parks and Rec schedule and let them choose whatever they want to do.

Right now? They chose Junior Chefs. I don't question - I just go along with it.

[quantum]

We've only signed the girls up for things they've expressed an interest in so far. When they have a day where they don't want to do it, the rule is that they have to go and watch. Our feeling is that if they do that for 3 or so weeks in a row, than they aren't interested and it's not worth continuing.

We recently had an issue with my 4 year old and swimming though. She LOVES swimming. LOVES it. She was hopping in the sound by our house this spring with the water was freezing.. and recently she didn't want to go to her lessons.
We talked a bit with the teacher and after some figuring out we came to the conclusion that there were too many naughty kids in her group and she was getting left behind. We've now switched her to a smaller group with better behaved kids and she's loving it again!

I don't think she's a quitter if you don't sign her up for the league.

[vernellinnj]

I didn't read the other posts. When my son was 4 he was also in a soccer league. He just was not interested and since parents HAD to participate too I was not upset when he changed his mind about playing.

Fast forward a year, we sign up again. Still not interested after the 1st week. I guess soccer is not his thing. He just wants to run....not be Pele (sp). I think our league is too serious for young kids.

[DianeS]

To me, the difference is whether she asked to do this, or whether you signed her up to just try it out.
Since she didn't request it, I'd just do the pre-league stuff and stop.

Have you exposed her to a bunch of different types of things? Taken her to high school sports of different types? Taken her to watch a dance performance and a play? If you have friends with children in various events, you can ask them when the games/performances are - the younger the kids are, the cheaper the tickets are to watch! (And sometimes they're free.)

If you do that, she may find something she's in love with, and then the "agree to do the whole thing and not quit" can be talked about. (And don't worry if she loves ballet not because of the dancing but because of the costumes, or if she loves basketball because the ball is orange. You saw earlier how much the color of the ball can matter!)

The YMCA here has several "introductory" type courses to different sports, running only 4-6 weeks in length. Maybe see if you can find short things like that for the activity of her choice, in case she gets bored? Then you won't have to worry about quitting, or about losing money. That might help.

[LeighM]

Have you thought about calling the league or the coach to see if there is another team that might be more suited for a true beginner? Sometimes it is just a matter of a phone call to work it out.

In our house if you start something you must finish it. My daughter was in a dance class last year and hated it. I told her she had to complete the class but once it was done – she didn’t have to go back. We switched her to gymnastics because that is where her heart is and she loves it.

[Nevada Jen]

Wehave the "if you start it, you finish it" rule in our house also, but when we put DS in soccer at that exact age (also big and althetic compared to his peers) it was clear for the first day it was not appropriate. My mistake, not his. I wasn't going to punish him for it. I think soccer is hard for kids at this age. We spend so much time teaching them to share and take turns that everyone running after the same ball and stealing it from each other was traumatizing to my son!

[shy_bear]

When my middle daughter was 5 she wanted to play soccer, just like big sister. So I sign her up, get all the equipment, and she basically laid in the field looking up at the sky!!! I made her finish out the season, but that was our last go round with soccer. She is now 8 and has tried dance, basketball, swimming, gymnastics, and Girl Scouts. We are STILL waiting for the light bulb to go off and her find her "thing"
We do not push her, but we require she finish what she starts.

[saranbr]

I haven't read all the other replies but she sounds like a normal 4yr old to me. She wants a particular ball. She can't have it cause there are rules. She throws a fit. Sounds like my 4yr old! I don't think she's a "quitter", she's just four. That doesn't mean she doesn't need some proper direction, but I wouldn't get too excited about it or consider it failure if you quit after the intro three weeks. From description (she and my DD have basically the same measurements) she should do well with soccar, but maybe it's not her thing? Would she rather do dance? Or is she just a little young/immature to be doing team sports? All that to say that I wouldn't equate figuring out that soccar isn't her gig right now with being a quitter. She's only going to be little for a while...maybe look for some activities that she really loves and is excited about.