[sstuart]

Did anyone see this story on the Today Show. The woman adopted a boy who was approximately 18 months old and had some severe attachment issues. She decided that she could not keep him anymore and "gave him back" according to the Today Show. I missed the first part of the story so I am not clear where the boy went as it was an international adoption.

I think that many people go into adoption of older children and do not realize how stressful it can really be. These children have been through so much and as much as security and love can help, they need so much more time to overcome what they have been through.

I know there are many out there that have adopted children with RAD and do a marvelous job parenting. But I think this brings to light that it is NOT easy and it take alot of time patience and energy. It is not for everyone.

I sure hope that the little boy in the story found a home that is good for him.

[mommytoEli]

i'd love a link to this story if someone knows where one is.

i have a RAD kid (moved in at 8). i know kids can be hard. there are so many days i want to give up too. i just can't imagine wanting to give up on a child that is so young. but in all fairness i've never parented a young attachment disordered child. i'd love to hear from someone who has. anyone?

[kretzklan]

I don't like that wording and I hope they didn't use that! Yuck. I'm raising two RADlets and it is NOT easy and I'm not always doing a great job. Yes, disruption enters the mind - it's only natural. Ours is mild compared to some...it can be like an attack daily from within your family unit. I also hope that he found a placement (he would have gone into foster care or straight to an adoptive placement with a therapeutic home through private agencies that deal with international adoption disruption). I'm going to see if the Today Show has a link to this story on their site!

[kretzklan]

Here is the link to the video Today Show Video Player - it's the front page story on TODAYshow.com: Matt Lauer, Meredith Vieira, Ann Curry, Al Roker, Natalie Morales - Video, News, Recipes, Health, Pets right now!

[momraine]

I do know there are groups and people who help those who want to disrupt international adoptions. My RAD kid was 6 when I got him, so I haven't dealt with one that young either, but I would think there would be more hope when the child is so young.

[crick]

I think it's a big problem in the international adoption process because there is no agency support after the child comes home. (correct me if I'm wrong) I don't think there's much education done on attachment issues or older child bonding prior to the adoption either. Maybe it's gotten better but I know from talking to a lot of people who adopted internationally, that they did not receive much support or education on attachment.

A lot of the people I talked to were floored at how many classes I had to take and how many hours we needed to have reading books or watching documentaries etc. in relation to older child adoption.

Obviously disruption is not unique to international adoption, and those adopting from foster care also have them. I just wonder if the numbers in international disruptions would go down if people were required to have similar "training"?

[mommytoEli]

my only comment right now is that someone commented that

All a child needs is love and caring.

i think that is part of the problem. parents of kids that have struggled with attachment know that this is NOT enough. it is hard work. i don't think agencies do enough to prepare parents for the possibility that a child will need more than love and caring. so when it happens to us, we are left to our own devices to navigate a course that is new and scary, with little help, and lots of judgement.

p.s. hey crick...just read what you wrote. we received ZERO training when we adopted from Guatemala....and even when we were trained as foster parents initially, the attachment issues were very glossed over. they made it sound like some parents couldn't handle kids....instead of some kids have more needs that can be tough for parents to handle. they acknowledged bonding could be difficult, but we were told that kids just needed love and stability. so we weren't trained very well AT all. we learned the old fashioned way- trial by fire. lol.

[RavenSong]

Stacy, I would rather see an IA child's adoption be disrupted or dissolved than for him or her end up like David Polreis. When I first learned of Renee Polreis and what happened to little David, I was fit to be tied. Although it breaks my heart when I read posts about disrupting an adoption, I feel that I cannot judge, simply because I've never been in their shoes. You know how we bmoms are always saying that no one can understand where we're coming from...simply because they've never walked a mile in our shoes?

When I first joined the forums here at a.com, I had a real struggle when reading the Special Needs boards. My initial gut reaction was "how could you?" But something inside of me told me to just keep reading and to keep my mind and heart open. And I can tell you, I've learned more about life and love and hardship in the past few years from these women dealing with RAD every single day of their lives than I've learned from anyone else in my life.

IMHO, the adoption agencies are really, really dropping the ball here when they don't educate PAPs about attachment issues of children raised in orphanages and institutions of other countries. I would, of course, hope that all PAPs who are interested in IA would carefully research what is going on with children adopted internationally.

The whole disruption thing is tragic, from all angles, if you ask me.

[crick]

Mommy - That's a good point too, that the foster care classes glossed over all the possibilities. I really do feel lucky to have found my agency because if anything, they were almost over the top "scary" about older child adoption. Very blunt and up front about a lot of the issues and challenges that could be ahead of us. What I love most about them is that I have lifetime support from them and still talk to our caseworker time to time. They offer support groups and do activities etc. that you can attend whenever you like. I think if that level of service were offered to many going through things, it would be so helpful!

Raven - I think a lot of PAPS get caught up in the very statement that Mommy posted "All a child needs is love" and with out anyone telling them different at their agencies, they have no idea what they are about to face in many cases.

[sstuart]

I agree with you Raven. I do think it is better to disrupt than for someone to not be able to care appropriately for the child.
I think the parents of RAD children are often judged unfairly. I have a cousin with a boy that is severly autistic. He looks like any other 8 year old but is sverly delayed and can not speak. But people think becuase he looks like a normal 8 year old he should be acting that way. Unfortunately people judge when they truely do not know the whole story.

I do not know the story of David I will have to Google it.
I am sure that this was not an easy decision and to come forward like she has is very brave. I agree with all of you that stated there needs to be more education.

[sstuart]

OH and thanks for the link. I am too computer illiterate to do that.

[kretzklan]

OK wait - if you watched this - did it bother anyone else that there was really not a single mention of RAD (although she mentioned using an attachment therapist) or even PAD (post adoption depression). It basically glossed over all that was possibly happening. If it really is as simple as they made it sound - then yuck...and that is coming from someone for whom disruption has certainly come up. But, they did not say that this young man had RAD...just that they weren't bonding. To me RAD is so much more than that. If there was RAD involved and all the things that go with that - then I feel that was really irresponsible journalism and I told them so. People not touched by adoption or adoption of special needs kiddos will simply look at it and say one of two things "Wow, she sucks" or "oh, I guess you CAN just give them back"...
I kept waiting for someone to talk about it. What a shame!

On the other note - I did get a lot of training in RAD. I'm blessed to live in the epicenter of RAD training and actually was able to train with some of the people that are well known in the field. BUT, I sat there and thought "those parents just can't handle that kid". Ha - do you think God is laughing now? It can and does happen when you don't think it will (I looked over my app the other day and saw where I wrote "We do not want a child with attachment issues.") Oh, how naive I was!

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by crick

Raven - I think a lot of PAPS get caught up in the very statement that Mommy posted "All a child needs is love" and with out anyone telling them different at their agencies, they have no idea what they are about to face in many cases.

i think Raven has a point, I should have researched what was going on.....but without knowing where to start or what to do or that there WAS something to look up at all...i just didn't know. i took for granted, twice, that my agency was actually making sure i knew everything and i was ready. i had no reason to suspect that there was something more. i was naive. the agencies were not. when i started adopting, i wasn't even "online." i didn't know about adoption.com. i can say honestly i did not become educated in adoption until i came here, and had already adopted 3 kids, with one more on the way. and like Raven, i learned from the posts of people who had btdt. NOW...now i know better. i think it is sad that my agency didn't give me a chance to REALLY hear what can REALLY happen and let me decide for myself whether or not i wanted to be involved with a RAD child...instead of sweeping it under the carpet, making it sound so easy, and then placing a child with known issues and not disclosing them, only to walk away like nothing weird or wrong happend at all.

sometimes i see here at a.com hopeful parents post about possible placements that sound difficult to me...and when i see them talking like they can take on the world i get a sinking feeling in my stomach. i hope they are stronger and more educated than i was....when i too thought a little love and food would change the life of a very hurting and broken child.

[sstuart]

You are right Kretz Rad was never mentioned. Becuase I have read it here I just assumed that he must have been RAD. I see how this could be part of the problem where it is just glossed over and not really defined.

[joskids]

I fostered a one year old with attachment issues and it was NOT easy. I fell in love with his 5 year old sister whose behaviors I well understood. When they became available to adopt, we said "no." I miss her very, very much. Him . . . NOT so much.

I would never throw stones and anyone who disrupts a child, no matter how young, because of lack of attachment. It's so easy for others, who have no clue, to judge. And THAT'S the part that's hardest, I think for adoptive/foster parents of these kids. No one gets it and we look like the idiots for not just "loving them enough." Ugh.