[bubbatonya]

we have been married 11 years, no children. We have spent two weeks of visits no overnights and our two children 3yF and 4yM are moving in tomorrow. We are freaking because the 4yr boy is jeckyl and hyde, loving one minute and aggressive and cruel with his words the next. he is only four, will this get better the more comfortable he is with us. We are 100 percent commited to making this work. Should we stop? Freaking out because I don't want to harm these children by bringing them into our home if it is not a forever home. They have been moved 4+times in about 3 years all due to adults behavior not children.

[FullQuiverMamma]

Good for you! That is wonderful.... I can see why you would be nervous... prayerfully, with lots of love and tlc
(and mom's night out here and there) you will have lots to give to these little ones. It may take awhile, but they are so young, you may look back in a year or so and they will seem like typical little kiddos. Take a deep breath, you didn't get this far for nothin'!

[Amber76]

No words of wisdom, but I wanted to send you hugs. All you can do is give them your best and try everything to make it work. It's amazing sometimes what a little stability, routine, and consistency will do for a preschooler! Congrats on your new kiddos and good luck!

[mumofone]

Deep breaths....now relax.

Three of our children were infant adoptions, and one was 3 1/2 at placement. It was more difficult because she suffered mild attachment issues, but here we are almost 3 years later, and she appears to be a typical almost 7 year old.

It's normal to second guess yourself....even with infant adoptions, the fears/doubts are there.

Good luck and have lots of fun.

[Linny]

I certainly don't want to be a downer here....but I'm sure I will be. Don't be deceived by thinking that just because he's four years old, he'll change. Four isn't an infant; four is old enough to have established some very negative behaviors that may---or may not-----get better.

Our family has adopted infants and older children. Of the older children...the youngest was 3yrs old...the oldest was 7....they were not all sibs. I've said this before and will continue to promote this......when you bring in older children...regardless of age, you have to ask yourself:

"IF the behaviors we NOW SEE....don't get ANY BETTER.....will we be alright with this?"

It's always hopeful (and often good) to think any child's behaviors will improve over time with stability and love. However, when it comes to older child adoption, this just isn't always the case. It's best to be realistic, IMO. And, if you're honestly having second thoughts about this placement, best to be up front NOW...don't wait until much later. Would it be better to take more time? Would you prefer to have some overnight visits before making a firm decision? There's nothing wrong with these options and discussions/suggestions like this should be WELCOMED by your cw'er. It would only show you're serious and want the best 'fit' for these children.

Only you can make this decision. Your commitment is admirable and certainly, older child adoption requires this for the best outcome possible. However, the 'best outcome possible' may ALWAYS be what you're seeing right now.
I wish you well and hopeful this little one will improve after having time with your family.

Please feel free to pm me if you'd like.

Sincerely,

Linny

[saranbr]

Have you posted this over on the special needs forum? There is lots of good advice and people who have been there done that. You cannot assume a four yr old little boy will change-- he might, especially with good therapy, but you might be in for a really long road. I'm doing it-- he's six now, home for two years and we're on a very long road with no end that I can see in sight. That said, post over on special needs...they can give you a longer term perspective than can I.