[Mkap]

hi all,
The finalization for our daughter's adoption is pending. As most of you know, we are adopting through a private adoption. Both birth parents have completely relinquished their rites in court. We are truly only waiting out the obligatory 6mo wait Ohio law requires to finalize. Birth mom lives in another state and is in touch with a mutual friend. They are coming to our town this coming weekend to visit family and requested a visit with our daughter. I've always said I would be open with her but she has said she wanted zero contact. Now she wants a visit. I'm nervous. What if she has regrets? What if she wants her back? Thoughts and advice please.

[Dickons]

Could you tell her you are nervous and ask to meet her to talk first before you make a decision?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Magic_Hat]

It's really hard when you think things are going one way and then someone changes things around on you. I wasn't clear if the request came from the mutual friends or if you were contacted directly. But I think Dickons' idea was good. Talk about it with her directly and it's okay to say you are nervous. She *might* have regrets and it will be hard/sad/awkward if she vocalizes or shows them but legally, she can't do anything. I'm sure she just wants to see that the baby is thriving and happy.

[mumofone]

I'd tell her you are nervous...I bet she will be as well.

We were always nervous meeting for the first time. Once the first meeting was behind us, it got much easier.

[PackGirl]

I know it may be difficult...but... I would allow a visit... She may be going through a difficult time... she may just want to make sure her daughter is ok...
It may be the best way to keep communication open for the future....

jmo

[belleinblue1978]

She'll be nervous too.

Will there be regret on her part? Of course, wouldn't you regret having to make that decision? Might she want your (collectively) daughter back? Of course, but that doesn't mean she will act on those feelings.

I've had all those feelings and even five years later I get nervous before visits and sometimes I regret that I was in a position to place my child.

Thing is, at this point she has no legal recourse. She is allowed her feelings though, you can't prevent those and trust me, she is probably having those feelings without seeing your daughter.

[kellyjames]

She lives in another state but will be nearby, giving her the opportunity to see your/her baby...I would say yes. Yes, you'll both be nervous, but I'd say think of the long-term...not that she can see that Alanna is happy and thriving, but that you can tell Alanna in the future that her birth mom came to see her (whether or not you have future contact) when she was a baby....that may be important to your daughter, you know? Also, as another poster said, she may regret her decision but she cannot "go back" on it now.

FWIW, we had our first visit with our son's birth parents at about the same point--when he was five months' old, before finalization at six months. We had wanted (and still want, and have) an open adoption, but they weren't ready to see him until then....I think I was more nervous than they were! But it was a wonderful, special day, and they were able to see his room, our home, and how happy he was and we were...and I think that gave them some peace. I will tell you, too, that in talks with his birth mom since then (our son is four now), I have asked her if it hard to see him. (I assume it is and have always had great empathy for her.) And I remember what she said--"not as hard as it would be if I never saw him." I'll never forget her saying that, and being so glad that she had that opportunity...and that our son gets to know and love her.

My $0.02. Good luck and PM me if you want to talk or have questions.

Kelly

[kellyjames]

She lives in another state but will be nearby, giving her the opportunity to see your/her baby...I would say yes. Yes, you'll both be nervous, but I'd say think of the long-term...not *just* that she can see that Alanna is happy and thriving, but that you can tell Alanna in the future that her birth mom came to see her (whether or not you have future contact) when she was a baby....that may be important to your daughter, you know? Also, as another poster said, she may regret her decision but she cannot "go back" on it now. She may want to take pictures, give her something, or just have an idea of what your home looks like, so she can imagine her and what she's doing.

FWIW, we had our first visit with our son's birth parents at about the same point--when he was five months' old, before finalization at six months. We had wanted (and still want, and have) an open adoption, but they weren't ready to see him until then....I think I was more nervous than they were! But it was a wonderful, special day, and they were able to see his room, our home, and how happy he was and we were...and I think that gave them some peace. I will tell you, too, that in talks with his birth mom since then (our son is four now), I have asked her if it hard to see him. (I assume it is and have always had great empathy for her.) And I remember what she said--"not as hard as it would be if I never saw him." I'll never forget her saying that, and being so glad that she had that opportunity...and that our son gets to know and love her.

My $0.02. Good luck and PM me if you want to talk or have questions.

Kelly

[Gwen72]

I agree with other posters who suggest that you talk to her directly before you meet her. Then, maybe you guys could agree to meet at a museum or a zoo or something like that for a play date. That way you will meet at a neutral location and she can spend time with you and the child having fun. Maybe this will help you all calm those first post placement meeting nerves. Good Luck!

[Mkap]

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and suggestions. Just so you all know, when the request for a visit was proposed, I didn't hesitate. I truly believe in the long run, it is in everyone's best interest. In fact, there have been several occasions in the past 5 months where I have very much wanted to speak with bmom and tell her how much her gift has meant to us. She is a sweet, caring and strong young woman and I have tremendous respect for her. I know she has some regrets, obviously. But I suppose I'm ultra paranoid of that seed of regret being planted and growing to the point where she tries to seek custody. Someone I work with told me about a People Magazine story where a bmom was trying to get her bd back 5 years after she chose to give her up to adoptive parents. In a way, I'm really looking forward to seeing her and if I could speak with her in advance I would. But I don't know that it will happen. I'm on the heels of having just said goodbye to my dear foster baby after raising her for her first year of life. I have to tell myself repeatedly, that our dd is NOT a foster baby and she IS our baby. I'm soooooo relieved everytime I realize it.
thanks again.

[startedover]

my dd birthmom asked to see her at 11months. (she had never wanted contact). I am so thankful for that meeting. as nervous as I was it took a weight off my mind and heart. I had all the thoughts you do. but It was wanderful to see how happy she was that she felt she made the right decision. Good luck

[thanksgivingmom]

Mkap - the situation in the People magazine is COMPLETELY different than what you're talking abou there....it wasn't a "simple" case of regret. It's lots of documented fraud and unethical behaviors - and I'm sure there's nothing like that going on with you So absolutely NO need to worry!

Seeing your daughter will NOT plant a seed of regret....to some extent, the seed is planted the moment of placement. There's the "what if" moments that we ALL have. In many ways, for me, the day I have visits with my daughter are some of the days that I have the least regret....I see how happy she is. How well taken care of she is. And I believe that our open adoption is working, is right (for us), and that our daughter will be a better person for it.

The regret? That's mine to deal with - and having a visit with Cupcake or not, it's going to be there to some extent.

Best of luck to you!!

[mandirenee]

It is hard to not fear what we see in the media. But, remember that that's the exception.

Visiting with you and your daughther might be exactly what she needs every now and then to remember that she did make the best decision.

Yes, she will be nervous. You will be nervous. Be open with her, tell her you are nervous.

I'll share with you...Our DS is 3. His bmom has never opened up with us about regrets. On his birthday I sent her an email to see how she was doing and to share some pics. She replied that when she woke up that morning she was sad, she wished things were different, she wished she could have DS in her life everyday, that she could parent. But after us sending her a note and pics and talking to her friend her decision was once again confirmed. She made the best choice for her and him at the time.

I would guess that many bmom's struggle through the years, but hopefully they can all find peace.

Best of luck!!!!!!

[manni28]

I would allow her to visit, she just wants to see if the baby is happy and healthy-there's no harm in that.

I wish you the best.

-Manni