[dklevy]

I've been off the site for several weeks now and as I sat here catching up I found myself really wanting to hear from aparents about their feelings &/or reasons for not having open adoptions. I think it's because I'm facing the issue of how to send my daughter her christmas gift this year. A little background [highly summarized]:

We had a semi-open adoption for the first 5 years with letters and pictures back and forth. When SE turned 5 everything abruptly stopped coming from her parents. I continued to send things to the agency under the belief that they were forwarded to SE and her parents. One call to the agency a few years ago confirmed this then a brushoff in march brought all my fears of the agency cutting off comumication rushing back. I found SE and her parents and sent them a direct letter. I got no response. I posted a letter to them on here and a blog on myspace as I had given them all my website info. No response.

So, now, I sit here wondering if some of you would share your thoughts. I know everyone is different and I won't know how they feel until I hear it from them. But it would still be nice to hear from you too.

Why do you shy away from contact? Does any of it have to do with feeling that a bmom can destroy what you have with your child? Is it fear that there will be a stronger bond that may just come from biology? Is it something that you know or don't know about the bmom?
Is it your child's actions/emotions? It it something that I can't even begin to comprehend because I haven't walked in your shoes? Is it more things than you could begin to put into words?

I want to understand. I think hearing might help. Not for advise. I think more to find peace, if that makes any sense.

I want to hear whatever you have to say. Blunt. Tactful. Whatever.

[Nevada Jen]

I will give you my thoughts as an amom in a closed adoption. The adoption is closed by bmom's choice.

I guess the only thought I can give you is that the emotional need I had for contact disapated as my son got older. At some point the balance shifted and I no longer had any need for contact. At that point it was my job to think of my son and of my family and whether contact wth bmom would complicate things.

I recently found bmom on line and it would be very easy for me (and my son) to meet her without her knowing who we were. For now, I am avoiding that temptation.

[Stormster]

Hmmmm, I think some aparents are lacking the confidence/security whatever you want to call it in their relationship with their child to let another parent in ....and it's easier when the child is young because it's simple and you can control things. I still remember how threatened I felt when DS went for his mother's breast (pre TPR) I can feel it in my heart now and it's a heavy and miserable feeling. I can't explain it any better.

As they get older its' more complicated, we watch them learn to love others and it can feel threatening again, as threatening and scary as some of us felt waiting for TPR or finalization. And as an Aparent I feel like we have to be super strong remember why we entered an OA to begin with and stay the course no matter how weird, or insecure we feel.

My biggest motivating factor to keeping things open is wanting my son to know we kept a promise we made, period. When I feel weak or unsure I got back to that and it keeps me on track. What makes me personally want to run away is how flakey and dysfunctional his bparents are at times. Man it's crazy. I don't like crazy and don't want it around him. So it's a fine line. Don't know if that helps you....but it's my truth.

[nurse_reedle]

My son has a closed adoption simply for the fact it is international. I thought I wanted a closed adoption (one reason we chose international) and have found since adopting our son, that we would like something more along the lines of a semi-open adoption. We plan to search for her in the next 1-2 years and see if she would like that option. We do keep contact with his foster mother. We cherish that contact. I have found that the needs and frequency of contact have changed over the 3 almost 4 years he has been home. At this point, for him, it seems to be more confusing and makes him feel really put on the spot when we call her. He enjoys "writing" letters to her and mailing things to her he has done. So we are going with that for now.

It has thus changed my views on the adoption we are looking for now. We would like a semi-open adoption this time. We would possibly open it up more, but my view on it is this. Our children need the chance, when available, to be able to get answers they are looking for from both sets of parents, I have realized that doesn't threaten my senses as our children's parents, it makes them stronger. They may have the need for alot more than we can give them to complete their personal identity and I want them to feel open with us and to not feel like they have to hide it from us, when they need more than we can give.

I want the possibility to open it up more as our child needs that and as our relationship blooms with the e-mom or dad/b-mom or dad, but I don't want to promise a level of openness that we may or may not be comfortable with or able to continue with. I know I will always be comfortable with pictures/letters and maybe some phone calls unless something really drastic and safety related happened. I just don't know about visits until my child was old enough to both ask for them and understand and process them well. This could all change once I meet the e-mother. I may be even more open then. I just don't want to go into anything promsiing more the than minimum we KNOW we can do and then we can be open to more later if both sides are comfie.

I don't know if that helps at all...it isn't really like the situation you are talking about...but this is how we feel.

[sugarmuffin]

but i view open adoption as "sharing". Yes I know its probably selfish of me but that's just how i feel plain and simple. BUT i was completely honest with the bmom and have kept my promise to send pictures and etc.

I hope i don't come of as a selfish pig but you sounded like you wanted honesty and I am trying to do that.

[SupaModel]

Sugarmuffin - First off you are NOT a selfish pig. It's how you feel and you were honest with bmom about that so no one can judge. If they do then whatever. No one lives your life but you.


To the OP. I have a semi OA (pic's and letters through agency) and I just recently opened more by emailing bmom. Right now that's all I can offer. I don't want anything more because I feel it just changes the dynamic of our family. It's a door that can't be closed once opened so I need to be VERY sure before we do something like that.

Sounds like what the AP's did to you I completely DO NOT agree with. I don't understand why and have no advice for that.

[Amber76]

My son's adoption is a closed adoption by his birthmom's choice. I hope and pray daily that she will someday decide she wants some type of contact with him. I send letters and pictures to the agency hoping someday she will come pick them up. The agency social worker has told her that we are very, very open to contact if she ever wants it. That's all I can do for now, but I still hope maybe someday it will change.

I'm sorry that your situation hasn't been what you expected and I wish you the very best!

[AdoptInMe]

None of us know your situation. We don't know how your birthdaughter's parents feel about the contact you had had thus far. Is it possible that you were overstepping your boundaries? Boundaries meaning that they are her parents and you are not? We have a semi-open adoption with both of our children's birthmother, and we love the fact that she sees them growing through a website and gets pictures and letters from us, so she knows how they're doing. But, and this is again brutal honesty, we are her parents and, if I felt that contact with their birthmother were stressful on any of us, we would alter that contact. I feel that they really should have talked to you about why they don't want contact anymore, though. Anyway, in general, we would not want close contact with our children's birthmother, because it would remind me again and again that we are not really their parents.

[dklevy]

Thank you all for letting me in and sharing what you feel. It does help hearing the different perspectives.

Sugarmuffin, you don't come off as any more selfish than any other mother out there. We are territotial by nature. We are meant to protect our family with all we have. That's part of being a good mother.

Nevada Jen, I understand about the temptation with online stuff. I search hoping to find any of SE's family on social sites. No luck yet. On one hand I would be so tempted to cross a line I promised not to, but on the other I would at least be able to know she's okay. And maybe see a photo. That's all I really need.

I only put in the agreement that I would recieve letters and photos for 5 years because I didn't want them to feel obligated or for my presence to interfer. Amom talked about more over the years. Vistis, videos, etc. They never came and her last letter was written as if there was more to follow. She gave me names of all their family members. I think I would be better if I heard it from them that this was their choice for SE's sake. I just can't bear to think it was the agency.

Adoption is so complicated with so many different views and all the high emotions. Stormster, I love how you hold onto your promise. That is what's keeping me from contacting them. It would be so easy to just drive up there. But I promised them I would wait to hear from them. To me, promising them is the same as promising SE herself.

Thanks again for sharing and listening. It always helps.

[dklevy]

AdoptinMe, I've always tried to stress that they are her parents, but I understand your point and appreciate your honesty. Do you think you could read the letter I posted and be just as honest with your thoughts on how I phrased it? Just to get another perspective. You seem like you'll say it how it is!

[bromanchik]

dklevy,

Sounds like you got your answer. This is about the adoptive parents, not you. It is their decision based on their feelings. If they truly had a problem with you "overstepping your boundaries" as one poster put it, than they had a responsibility to talk to you about it. Too often in adoption decisions are made based on the feelings of the adults involved. The adoptive parents of your child are not thinking long term. They are letting their fears, insecurities and desires dictate their actions. I am sorry this has happened to you.

[oceanica]

Adoptinme, hello, "not really their parents"?!!!! What are you talking about? Some of the things in this thread bother me but I am going to try to keep out of it.
But obviously some of the opinions of the op could be the reason for the problem.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by AdoptInMe

Anyway, in general, we would not want close contact with our children's birthmother, because it would remind me again and again that we are not really their parents.

Wow, that was really hard for me to read for some reason. How old are you kids? Would you really feel that way or is it more a figure of speech? I might have felt that way when he was a baby but now the earth could stop turning and nothing would make me feel less of his parent! You ARE REALLY their parents!!

[jp4ga]

Originally Posted by dklevy

Why do you shy away from contact? Does any of it have to do with feeling that a bmom can destroy what you have with your child? Is it fear that there will be a stronger bond that may just come from biology? Is it something that you know or don't know about the bmom?
Is it your child's actions/emotions? It it something that I can't even begin to comprehend because I haven't walked in your shoes? Is it more things than you could begin to put into words?

I want to hear whatever you have to say. Blunt. Tactful. Whatever.

Here goes: I know my situation is an extream, but you asked . I have not heard of any other situation like the situation that we are in.

We were matched and told that it would be a closed situation. Within 24 hours of placement it changed from closed to semi-open, since the bmom wanted to meet us and we encouraged her to write and we would write and send pictures. Within a month we began to receive harrassing letters that contained threats. We still tried to maintain the relationship. She then sued us for custody and about wiped us out financially. She called DFACS and filed a complaint saying we were abusing the children in our home. Of course an investigation was launched and we were proven innocent.

Still all through this we continued to do updates to honor the agreement. However, in June she went to court for threatening a judge (who removed who other children from her home). During the course of the investigation several written items were found in her home about wanting to hurt us. We cut contact for the period of 1 year for her to go to counseling and be "crime free".

I know that she is young and as she grows older she will mature and my hope is that we can reopen the adoption. It is my hope that we can "forget" that this all has happened, for the sake of our daughter. We have kept all of this information private for the sake of our DD and her bmom. We have not told friends and family, because if they ever do reunite we don't want family briinging up the past.

I had hoped that it would be differnt, but this is the situation we deal with NOW, this hopefully will not always be the situation.

[specialk4b]

Could it be that they have just gotten busier? If SE entered school at age 5, that could make their life so busy that finding time to send pictures and letters seems to be too much. Then the longer it's been the harder it is to break the silence.