[yehudit]

So I'm a little preoccupied with this because we are going to see them in a few weeks.

Thing 1 is 5.5 years and has a very mild form of autism. Most of the time he's like a typical kid, but he does have some developmental delays and challenges with speech and sensory processing. But that's stuff that most people don't notice unless they work with kids and know what's "normal." We've been working with him in speech therapy, occupational therapy, and until recently physical therapy, since he was about 3.

He's not gotten along with his grandparents (DH's parents, my in-laws) for a couple of years now, but this summer was the worst. We spent a few days with them in a cabin by a lake, and he was absolutely, inexcusably, out of control. He was flat-out rude to his grandma repeatedly, and no amount of discipling on my part seemed to help. He refused to spend time with her and was just mean. He was a little better with grandpa, but not much. To be fair, it was a small cabin with little privacy, stinky water, and not much for kids to do. Oh, and the weather was lousy most of the time. Also, his grandma gives in to his bullying behavior and does not try to get past it even when I encourage her to do so.

I have some ideas about why this might be, but I have little control to change things. The main problem, I believe, is that they have never accepted that he has autism. At first they were in denial that there was anything wrong, but lately due to his behavior they seem to be aware that something is wrong, but they refuse to consider the real cause. They insist that he needs psychological counselling (this with a child who has trouble speaking) and stress relief. We've tried explaining that autism is a spectrum and not always severe, sending articles, etc. But they are firm in their denial. I believe that either thing 1 can tell they don't accept him and he is rejecting them in kind, or he senses the stress that this situation causes me and DH, and he's mirroring us. BTW, thing 2 idolizes her brother and doesn't like them any more than he does.

So we are going to see them again in a couple of weeks and I'm freaked out that we will have a repeat. I do not want to spend the entire time disciplining my son, but I can't make him like them, either. And if thing 1 is upset all weekend, thing 2 will be as well. At this point I'm not sure how hard they will be willing to try to build up this relationship so it could be tense all around. I have and will continue to speak to DH about this, but any suggestions from any of you?

Thanks,

[bromanchik]

Are there any Autism support groups in their area? It might be helpful if they got a little info and support. (from someone other than you since clearly you have no idea what you are talking about! )

[RobinKay]

so sorry to hear that spending time w/grandparents is unpleasant. Even w/two biosons with no delays, it was a pain to be w/my inlaws. They did love our kids, but there was no structure at all when we were them, and they were bored and less well-mannered. Inlaws wanted to see them, but mostly wanted to talk to us endlessly and then interact with the kids at random times. Or, at other times, the kids were so much the main focus of their attention the kids were uncomfortable. At my parents, there was a schedule and my parents lived by it, and waited for the kids to come to them for attention or affection. It was much more comfortable.

At this point, forget about educating them. They are intelligent, educated adults. I am sure you have explained this several times. Let that go--



Depending on where you are--have lots and lots of games and activities planned. Don't spend a lot of time sitting around, waiting for kids and gparents to interact. You and DH play with your kids, do things, activities, go on walks, etc. as though gparents are not even there. Let gparents join in, but don't make them the focus. Let gma cook so you can be with the kids--this will avoid "empty time" when the kids might feel forced to interact with gparents.

Easier said then done--the main point is to keep the kids doing familiar things as much as possible--that will keep them comfortable and on their best behavior.

I hope your next visit goes better

[yehudit]

Thanks for your replies. We took them to the Autism walk this year hoping it might help to see all the "normal" looking kids with autism like thing 1. Also to be is such a supportive environment. It didn't. They will not seek information and have disregarded the info we have sent them. They are in denial and I don't think there's anything else I can do to change that.

Robin, great ideas. I'll do the best I can to keep them busy.