[Amilynn22]

I REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE!!

My daughter will be 8 weeks on Saturday and she is being baptized that day. We are in an open adoption with her bfamily and things are going great so far. Here is the where the nervousness comes in. We invited DD's bfamily (bmom, bdad, maternal bgrandparents) to the baptism and to the reception at our home afterwards. This will be the first time that most of our family has met any of DD's bfamily and I am so nervous. They are wonderful people and have been great to us but they are a little...well, weird. I hate that term but compared to mine and my husbands family...they are. I feel so guilty that my nerves come from being possibly embarrassed by them...I KNOW IT'S HORRIBLE! I feel like such an awful person for feeling that way! But in all honesty, they can be very embarrassing at times. They are all very socially awkward and sometimes it comes across as rude because they don't properly greet people. (I could go on and on...)

I'm also nervous that someone from our family will say something accidently that will hurt their feelings. I want it to be a nice time for everyone but I am scared it is going to be terribly awkward! I'm frustrated because I should be thinking about my daughter's baptism instead of dreading the impending awkwardness of the day.

Is there anyone else out there in open adoption who have had the same feelings? I want this to work and be pleasant and positive for DD's sake! PLEASE....I need advice on how to deal with all of these feelings and how to make the day go smoothly! HELP!

[Daisy1339]

I'm not in an open adoption situation (don't even have a baby, yet!), but I'd like to offer up my two cents.

I think everyone else will follow your lead. If you are too obvious with your embarassment or even overtly sensitive to everything they say or do, you might cause exactly what you are fearing.

Let them be who they are and don't worry over it. Someone might say something stupid or insensitive to them and they will handle it themselves. They aren't going to blame you for it.

Seriously, if you try to orchestrate the day too much, you're going to make it worse.

Bparents families or your own family, everyone has someone that they are slightly embarassed about or are afraid will not be well received.

Just live and let live!

[mommy3]

I've always been a little to a lot (more "lot" in the beginning) when we had events that included our children's birthfamilies. We're a pretty ecclectic family ourselves, but I always worry that someone will say something weird or unintentionally hurtful. What I've found, though, is that everyone seems to be on their toes and things have gone well, usually very well. I've found that these events have bonded us with our children's birthfamilies, esp. when I greet them and say something like, "I get so nervous, wanting the time to go well." I also check ahead of time about how they want to be introduced. What we've done is to introduce them with their first names and most everyone who's close to us knows who they are and everyone else just meets them with their first names, no big deal. Our children's birthfamilies have felt honored and loved to be included (as we all figure out what openness means to us) and these moments are wonderful to share later. Best of luck! susan

[loveajax]

If your family is anything like mine, someone is bound to say something "stupid." (My family hasn't met DD's birth family so I don't have any first hand experience here, but I know my family!). I think it's fine to tell your DD's birth family that you are nervous and maybe tell your families that you are nervous. I agree with Daisy that people will most likely follow your lead, and hopefully if anything embarassing happens, everyone can "laugh" about it later. The day is really about your DD and I hope you enjoy it!

[Magic_Hat]

Like you Loveajax, my family is the one I was worried about when they first met my daughter's birth mom and grandma. I was worried they'd say something insensitive. I did "warn" (for lack of a better word) our family and friends that DD's bmom and gma were coming to the party just so that people just wouldn't be caught off-guard. And I just introduced them by name (everyone knew bmom's name so they made the connection). It went well and everyone got a long. I just figured I can set the stage but after that, hopefully people can handle themselves and if they don't, it's no reflection on me.

Amilynn22, it's hard not to be nervous but hopefully everyone's love for your daughter and goodwill towards each other will help make it a special day for your whole family.

[yehudit]

Hello,
Congratulations! What an exciting time for your family. I love the suggestions so far.

Here's another one: You know how there's always someone who wants to help? Take that person aside and ask them to please make DD's birth family feel welcome. Whether that means introducing them them to others, showing them your house, whatever.

You might also "alert" a few other key folks (and by this I mean people who are generally well-liked and respected in your family) and ask them to please be nice to them and help them feel comfortable. I've noticed that certain people set the tone for all the others -- use this to your advantage .

Good luck and please enjoy that delicious baby.

[kellyjames]

Hi, Amilynn--

You've got great comments so far. We had our son's birth parents and their parents at our son's baptism (though it wasn't until he was 15 months old), and I too was worried that some people (more on my husband's side) wouldn't be friendly or would hurt feelings or whatever. So I talked to my mom, and a couple of other people on "my" side (who have excellent social skills, etc) to make sure they would be friendly, welcoming, etc. The funny thing is, it went great, and all four families connected. The one couple who were clearly not "happy" with the situation was on my side (!!!!) and weren't even that close of relatives...but everyone else, even my dad (who still thinks open adoption is weird and doesn't get it) did great.

In fact, afterwards my dad, who was in his early 70s, said, "well, I still don't know why you want to do this open adoption thing, but they're all great people." So you never know.

Good luck and try not to cry during the baptism....I cried (happy tears) the whole time.
kelly

[kellyjames]

p.s. I wanted to add that we had everyone to the house afterwards...and that my son's birth mom still says what a great thing that was for her and her family to be here. (Our son is 4 now.) It will go great for you--take pics so your daughter knows that all the people who love her most were there on this special day. She'll appreciate it.

[Amilynn22]

Thank you all so much for the advice and encouragment! It really does help to know that I'm not alone in this. I am still nervous but at least now I know that it is do-able and that we can make it work. I've talked to my parents and my MIL and told them that I need their help making everyone feel welcome and comfortable.

I do worry more about the bfamily's behavior than anything else....I guess I don't want it to reflect on my daughter you know? I get it in my head that people will think...oh no, hope she doesn't act like "them" when she's older. Crazy, I know. It's probably more my own insecurities than actual reality!

I will let you all know how it goes! Thanks again!

[mylovebug]

we recently had a party for our soon to be adopted son and had invited his bio dad who happens to be very embarrassing/ red neck like no other. and we have a family member who is from cali and happens to be VERY out spoken, blunt and can even be rude. We had to pull him aside and just say please do not say anything that may hurt his feelings. I was very nervous how it would go but the father never showed up and didn't call until after the party was over to say he couldn't get a ride. So I worried for nothing, but there will be a day when they do come around the family and we will just have to wait and see how it goes. Good luck

[Amilynn22]

I am so glad to be able to tell you all that my daughter's baptism couldn't have gone any better!! Her birthfamily was present for the entire thing and came back to our house afterwards as well. Everyone seemed comfortable and happy to be there which made me feel so good! Our family went above and beyond to make them feel welcome (without having to be told I'm proud to say!). DD's bfamily seemed comfortable and were very respectful of everyone else. My husband and I were so relieved because now we know that this whole "open adoption thing" that we, and everyone else was so scared of, it very much do-able! I feel like I can breathe easy for the first time since we brought her home. I guess because I had been dreading the first "meeting" for so long. Funny how the anticipation is often far worse than the actual event! Thank you to everyone for your wonderful advice and for being supportive!

[Magic_Hat]

That's awesome! So glad it went well.

[sunshinemomma]

such a wonderful feeling when it goes well - congrats on giving it the chance and having it all work out!

[DancinBear63]

It sounds like you had a wonderful experience today. Congrats!!