[azriona]

My husband and I joined the waiting parent pool a year ago. About three weeks ago, we made a match with a mom who was due with a baby boy. It was our first match with a mom, and needless to say, we were pretty excited.

But maybe we knew something was up, or else we'd just been well-schooled. We know plenty of folks whose adoptions fell through at the last minute, and this particular mom is a 16-year-old girl. So we kept fairly quiet, didn't go buying baby things just yet, and told only the absolute necessary minimum people. (Bosses, mostly.)

But as we got closer....well, you probably know how it goes. We bought some baby things, we told a few more people. Because the baby was due in a neighboring state, we had to make arrangements for living in that state, for finding an alternate pediatrician for the first week or so, for someone to take care of the cat at home. We picked out a name, we cleaned out the room intended for the baby, we finally figured out which car seat fits in our car best. We priced diapers and wipes and formula. We got even more excited.

The baby was born on Sunday. The mom decided on Tuesday that she wanted to parent the baby herself.

Our adoption agency has been pretty good, and has put us on hold for now. They've told us to give it a week, and they'll put us back in the waiting parent pool whenever we're ready.

But here's the thing - we go back and forth. When do we go back? Is it like riding a horse - fall down, get right back up and keep riding? We're just bruised, no worries?

Is it like a death or a miscarriage? We have to allow time to mourn before we can heal?

The afternoon we found out, I thought I wanted right back in, no waiting. My husband wanted at least two weeks. Now I'm thinking I want two weeks, he's thinking one. Tomorrow we'll probably flip-flop again.

I know you can't tell me how long to take - I know we're the only one who knows how long we need. But I'm curious. If you had a failed match, how long did you take before you got back in the pool? How did you know it was time? Heck, DID you know it was time, or was it just blind faith? What was different about how you went? Did your decisions about openness change? Was getting back in when you did the right decision - or the wrong one?

Thanks.

[aclee]

I agree with the agency, give it a week and THEN talk about how much time you need. If you are changing day to day, it means you aren't ready to make the decision yet. You might never make the "decision", you might just finally realize you are ready. We have not experienced a match that failed to go through, but we had out adoption plans all "laid out" and the one day we realized, that's not what we want, so we did something completely different.

For me personally....I would be back on the horse as soon as possible though. I think that new possibilities and new potential matches can help you realize your baby IS out there...

[mkviola]

It is such a personal decision, but for our first failed match, we got right back in... and were matched again essentially the same day. This match looks like it might fail, too, but we plan on getting our portfolios out again right away. Hang in there and know you aren't alone. It can be so tough... and DO take time to grieve. (((hugs)))

[gigigeorge]

With ours I was ready the next day, not for the right reasons though (if that makes sense)... in the end it took us about 6 months to really get back into it...

g/

[Magic_Hat]

I haven't been through it but I think I would jump right back in especially if it wasn't a long match. I'm so sorry, I hope you find your baby soon.

[devildogwife]

We had one failed match and went right back in.

[mrskt]

we had 3 failed matches and went right back in...

[megaphonemo]

GO RIGHT BACK IN!! You could miss the next opportunity - you just never know. You are on the minds of the SWs RIGHT NOW (because they feel bad about your failed match)......

We had a couple failed matches, and went back in the books the moment we heard about them falling through.... We also had a disruption while waiting for #2... Had the baby home for the weekend..... The day she went home to her bfamily, we cried, ate crappy food, put the older one in daycare and went to the movies.... and the next day we went back in the books. Took one day to grieve (and curse and swear and cry) and then back in the saddle.... 5 months later #2 joined us forever...

The worst thing about adoption in general is that sooo very much of it is out of your hands.... We were just laughing last night because my DD#1's 4th bday is next week, and this time 4 years ago we were free as birds - going out to movies and bars - staying out late and kayaking in a lake for hours.... 4 days later we were blissfully a family of 3 - tied down in the house for the rest of the summer ('05 was a very hot summer!) - and over the moon with joy!! Funny thing is, we never kayaked again (who wants to babysit for us in the mornings - we quickly learned to save sitters for evenings out!!)

Get back on that horse, you never know!!

Good luck....

Mega

[kara05kara]

We had a failed match, then jumped right back in, and were called a week later with a baby born situation- which turned out to be our son. It just seemed like it was all part of the roller coaster ride.

Hang on tight!
Natalie

[Nevada Jen]

I agree with the others. Go right back in. It doesn't mean you will have a baby tomorrow. You will understand it when you have YOUR child but that's what you are waiting for is the child that is meant to be yours. You are not going to get matched with that child sitting on the sidelines. Get back in the game so you have something to look forward to.

I am sorry for your loss though. I think its really hard for non adoption folks to grasp what you just lost. Hang in there!

[HappyTwinsMom]

Obviously, every situation is different, but when we had our failed placement in Sept 2000, I didn't want ANYTHING to do with adoption at first and cried for days. We had actually made it to the hospital, held the baby, named her, counted her fingers and toes, changed her diaper, sang her songs...and felt like she was "ours."

Fortunately, our agency director figuratively held my hand (over the phone) and talked to me endlessly, helping me process how I was feeling and what we wanted to do.

Basically, we took a "jump back on the horse" approach and left our names in the pool. As it turned out, our twins were probably conceived at just about that same time. Has always felt "meant to be" to me.

Loss is painful, no matter how you look at it. But you can grieve the loss of this baby while looking hopefully to the future and the child who will one day be yours!

[jennygirl]

Having a failed match is so hard - sorry you are going through this.

We had 3 failed matches and jumped right back in each time. It's a hard decision - you want time to heal but you also want to move forward. I agree if you are having a hard time deciding how long to wait -- you might need more time.

My only advice - keep talking with your DH, together you will make the best decision.

~jenny

[jcm]

Sorry to hear about your failed match. Trust your gut on this one, you'll know when it's right. If you need to time to grieve, by all means take that time. With that being said, I know I would jump back in...because you never know what might be right around the corner...or a longer wait.

Hang in there!

[brooklyn_girl]

I agree with everyone else - don't wait. Even if you feel like you need some time away from the adoption world, it takes time to find a match. The sooner you get back in, the sooner you will find one, and chances are that will be in a few weeks/months anyway, when you ARE feeling ready again. And, I do not have any hard evidence but I get the impression my social worker and lawyer are working extra hard for us since we had a failed adoption. Use that extra energy/dedication to your benefit! They want to see your story end happily, too

[MilliesMommy]

Last year, we were presented three times in a span of about 4 weeks. We were not picked for any of the situations, and our counselor asked if we wanted to take a break. DH and I were like "heck no!". At least put yourself out there so that you're not missing any opportunities. You can always say "no" if you're not ready to ride that roller coaster again, right?

Sorry you had to go through that. Its probably the toughest part of an adoption journey -- being that close and not crossing the finish line. But remember, your baby is out there.

Good luck!