[akcskye]

Sorry I haven't posted lately...the last few months have been very trying for me.

The kids are now 12 and 13 but lately, they seem to have turned a deaf ear to everything I say.

Discipline is rendered, and one or the other makes the other being disciplined laugh.

I am so tired of being a witch it has worn me down so far.

For instance, today, my son comes home from a National Basketball tournament I couldn't attend with a commemerative shirt I told him he could NOT have.

He says "but such and such bought it for me" trying to make that better.

I know they don't know his size, and he had to try it on, etc...so now, other than the fact I now owe somebody money for a shirt, I will not let him have it (if I don't give it to one of his teammates, I will throw it away or donate it away).

So, rather than get to hug him and be glad he's back...he got to come home to witch moma because he deliberately broke the one rule that was very clearly given out (no purchasing any commemerative clothing or allowing anyone else to buy him anything).

My mom keeps trying to "poo poo" the situation and blame it on being pre-teens...but heck, I was never such an irresponsible, insubordinate person in my life...not even in my teens!

I expect manners, courtesy, tact, and responsibility. How can I get that if they accept gifts from strangers and not even seem to respect me at times (unless they want something from me).

Thanks for the vent.

[shy_bear]

Not exactly sure what the big deal is about another parent buying him a t-shirt??? We for example, paid for our daughter's friend to come to the pool today; her friend's parents have paid for things for our daughter.
And I do think it is pre-teen attitude. Give them a break! Our daughter is a pre-teen and you have to pick your battles! For us school is the most important, her chores at home, and if she chooses to be a snot then the cell phone is gone. That alone will change her attitude in the blink of an eye!!!

[akcskye]

I cannot imagine anyone ((***EDIT HERE: not saying you I am saying I can't imagine anyone meaning the people who bought him the shirt**)) thinking it would be okay for someone you don't even know to buy your kid something that was completely unnecessary without asking the parent for permission.

That is so rude, and it puts the child between a rock and a hard place.

If the parent was out of the picture, as I was...then it should never have even been offered to the kid.

My son only got to go to this tournament because he is their main man on their team, and I wasn't going to let his trouble at home let down the team.

He and my daughter have both been unruly hoodlums and have been an embarrassment to me in public...like they've gone back 5 years in development.

They haven't been learning it here, for sure. That's why I also do not understand parents thinking it's okay to expect "pre-teen attitude" when it is so uncalled for and reeks of an ungrateful, spoiled child. I never gave it and I never expect to receive it.

So, yes, the battle is picked...my son left knowing he was not to buy a shirt with the money I sent with him or allow anyone to buy him a shirt or anything commemorative of the tournament (I mean...$15 for something that he won't even be able to wear in 2 months???)...I don't spoil my kids and I don't want anyone else spoiling my kids, either.

I teach hard work and patience on getting what you want, so I'll be darned if I let anyone else teach them to be accustomed to taking from and/or using anyone else.

[MamaS]

Originally Posted by akcskye

The kids are now 12 and 13 but lately, they seem to have turned a deaf ear to everything I say.

My mom keeps trying to "poo poo" the situation and blame it on being pre-teens...but heck, I was never such an irresponsible, insubordinate person in my life...not even in my teens! Ask your mother about this!

I expect manners, courtesy, tact, and responsibility. How can I get that if they accept gifts from strangers and not even seem to respect me at times (unless they want something from me).

I recommend this book. It helped me survive Sissy and Sassy's teenage years, which started at age 11!

Wolf and Wolf: Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl To The Mall

[akcskye]

Mama, even my own mother said, when we discussed this earlier, that I NEVER was insubordinate or came up with any attitude toward her or my father as a teenager.

That's why I do not have this expectation of it from my children, whether my behavior as a teen would be considered normal by today's standards or not.

Originally Posted by MamaS

I recommend this book. It helped me survive Sissy and Sassy's teenage years, which started at age 11!

Wolf and Wolf: Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl To The Mall

[sbaglio]

I have read a few of your other posts on your kids. While I agree that you need to raise them as you see fit, we only get to see a fraction of what goes on with them through what you tell us, so our opinions won't be that well-informed.

I do recall you saying once that your kids had to stay in their rooms, or their beds, in the mornings until you woke up (am I recalling this correctly??), and thinking at the time that that was a bit unreasonable. With this situation, I agree that your son went against your instructions, but I question the original instruction, not the punishment. What is so wrong with getting a T-shirt as a commemoration of such an important tournament? And why won't he be able to wear it in 2 months? And even if he can't, isn't the point to have it as a pleasant reminder? I'm in my mid-30s, and still have various T-shirts from my high school days.

I think that if something is not working for you, you need to reevaluate how you are handling the situation (Dr. Phil, anyone?). Doing the same thing over and over will only lead to the same result. I don't know what the solution is, but if you tell him not to do something in such strong terms and he does it anyway, there must be some reason he's rebelling.

Sorry if you think that my/our advice is off, but that's the way I see it. Hope you can work things out with your son.

[akcskye]

No, I simply asked that the kids go to the restroom and return to their rooms until I could GET up...not wake up.

I guess being everyone questions my judgement and doesn't believe in the way I raise my kids...you know...the good way before counselors corrupted the system...I need to explain a bit of why the rules are so harsh here...even though it makes my kids sound much worse than they are.

In the past, they have stolen food, money, personal belongings, etc. because that's what they did in their birth home to "survive".

This behavior has gone away and the rule has since been lifted.

I can trust them now to not steal the things, and feel that they would not try to molest each other (both were SA victims) while I am in my room.

I mean, you don't let a pre-teen boy and girl be alone with your back turned when they've been SA victims...and I physically could not get out of bed at the hour they do because of physical impairments that are also resolving (2 slipped/ruptured lumbar discs in my lower back).

So, that was the answer to the problem at the time.

The reason he was not allowed to get a a commemorative shirt is because he was lucky to get to go to the tournament because he raised my electric bill by $40.00 turning down the thermostat after everyone had gone to bed, to his liking, freezing everyone else out, and then blaming it on his father.

I knew that wasn't the truth, and finally caught him up in it 2 weeks later.

So yeah, there's more to the story, and any rules I have to use and punishment I have to employ is necessary and valid.

Originally Posted by sbaglio

I have read a few of your other posts on your kids. While I agree that you need to raise them as you see fit, we only get to see a fraction of what goes on with them through what you tell us, so our opinions won't be that well-informed.

I do recall you saying once that your kids had to stay in their rooms, or their beds, in the mornings until you woke up (am I recalling this correctly??), and thinking at the time that that was a bit unreasonable. With this situation, I agree that your son went against your instructions, but I question the original instruction, not the punishment. What is so wrong with getting a T-shirt as a commemoration of such an important tournament? And why won't he be able to wear it in 2 months? And even if he can't, isn't the point to have it as a pleasant reminder? I'm in my mid-30s, and still have various T-shirts from my high school days.

I think that if something is not working for you, you need to reevaluate how you are handling the situation (Dr. Phil, anyone?). Doing the same thing over and over will only lead to the same result. I don't know what the solution is, but if you tell him not to do something in such strong terms and he does it anyway, there must be some reason he's rebelling.

Sorry if you think that my/our advice is off, but that's the way I see it. Hope you can work things out with your son.

[Nevada Jen]

I thougt I recalled there were trauma/attachment bases for your strictness. So I totally understand where you are coming from. You just sound really burnt out. I have watched you post for years and you just don't seem yourself lately. Its probably time to do something restorative for yourself. I know that sometimes when I feel like I cannot stand another minute of my kids' behavior sometimes I am having issues with depression and other times I need to re-read some parenting books to come up with new strategies that get me what I need to stay sane.
I am no expert on attachment but maybe there is something new you could be doing now that they are teens and have made great strides from their original issues for discipline/punishment. It occurs to me that perhaps K needs to do extra chores to pay you back for the cost of the shirt before he can keep the shirt. Extra chores that will make YOU feel good. A good car detailing maybe? Hang in there and take care of yourself!

[myangels]

Did the children act out sexually to each other or are you just assuming they will be cause they was SA?


These children are not going to act as you did growing up as they did not have the same life you had growing up. Children make mistakes they will be no different. Maybe you can buy your son a Fan or two? Since it seems he likes it cooler then others at night? And that is fine, He should be allowed to like it cooler or hotter then others. It would be silly to expect him to like it hotter then he does just because others do. I mean I wouldnt expect him to be uncomfortable in his home because he likes it cooler then others I'd just find a way to make his room more comfortable for him instead of punishing him for it but thats just me.

Some of my children have fans ( more then one) in their rooms while others like it hotter. Some have to have extra blankets even in the summer while others need it cooler we try to make sure everyone is comfortable. I would just feel horriable if one of my children was sneaking around and turning the air up bc they felt hotter then others.


One of my foster moms kept the house cold in the winter. I told her I was cold and she basically told me it did not matter that's how she kept the house and I could get used to it. It made me feel like I did not matter , like me feeling cold did not matter, like I was not my OWN person who just happened to like it hotter then she did.

I just can't imagine getting on to a child because they felt to hot at night and wanted to feel comfortable to me that's sad. I would of however been upset when he lied to me about it. I would of taken that time to explain to him that it's ok that he does not feel the same as others and found a way to allow him to feel as he does and make it more comfortable for him as well as others in the home.

I KNOW it's possiable to have everyone feeling comfortable in their rooms at night as we do it with 6 kids and none of them like it the same lol

As far as the shirt? A stranger just walked up and gave him a shirt?

[akcskye]

Prevention of the possibilty of SA was what was key at that time.

At the time I had posted what sbaglio mentioned, it was a concern. Not so much now, but obviously, still watchful.

My son is quite a bit bigger than his sister (she's older) and he could have forced himself onto her, and their boundaries weren't "set" yet.

The problem with my son in regards to the cooling issue is the fact that he adjusted the settings for the whole house with 2 fans in his room already.

He's like me, he likes it REALLY cold...but I'm sorry, 60º is unacceptible, and putting the blame to his father when his father obviously would not have done that is what really hurt...his dad and me.

As for the shirt, it was a grandparent of one of his teammates. He has done this once before and I told K, next time, decline. Then, when he was about to go on his trip, I told him...neither you nor anyone else, including L's grandfather can buy you a shirt for this.

He understood, and was concerned about what to do if anyone offered, and I told him, simply say NO that mom was probably going to pick one up for him at his sister's national tourney (they both went to nationals, but his was out of state and my husband couldn't get off, so I opted to go to my daughter's nationals because she just started this weekend team and her brother has been getting a TON of basketball attention).

I mean, if you bought a shirt for every tournament this boy was in, I'd probably have 10 of them in 2 months. We're ALWAYS on the go with them!

Originally Posted by myangels

Did the children act out sexually to each other or are you just assuming they will be cause they was SA?


These children are not going to act as you did growing up as they did not have the same life you had growing up. Children make mistakes they will be no different. Maybe you can buy your son a Fan or two? Since it seems he likes it cooler then others at night? And that is fine, He should be allowed to like it cooler or hotter then others. It would be silly to expect him to like it hotter then he does just because others do. I mean I wouldnt expect him to be uncomfortable in his home because he likes it cooler then others I'd just find a way to make his room more comfortable for him instead of punishing him for it but thats just me.

Some of my children have fans ( more then one) in their rooms while others like it hotter. Some have to have extra blankets even in the summer while others need it cooler we try to make sure everyone is comfortable. I would just feel horriable if one of my children was sneaking around and turning the air up bc they felt hotter then others.


One of my foster moms kept the house cold in the winter. I told her I was cold and she basically told me it did not matter that's how she kept the house and I could get used to it. It made me feel like I did not matter , like me feeling cold did not matter, like I was not my OWN person who just happened to like it hotter then she did.

I just can't imagine getting on to a child because they felt to hot at night and wanted to feel comfortable to me that's sad. I would of however been upset when he lied to me about it. I would of taken that time to explain to him that it's ok that he does not feel the same as others and found a way to allow him to feel as he does and make it more comfortable for him as well as others in the home.

I KNOW it's possiable to have everyone feeling comfortable in their rooms at night as we do it with 6 kids and none of them like it the same lol

As far as the shirt? A stranger just walked up and gave him a shirt?

[myangels]

Originally Posted by akcskye

Prevention of the possibilty of SA was what was key at that time.

At the time I had posted what sbaglio mentioned, it was a concern. Not so much now, but obviously, still watchful.

My son is quite a bit bigger than his sister (she's older) and he could have forced himself onto her, and their boundaries weren't "set" yet.

The problem with my son in regards to the cooling issue is the fact that he adjusted the settings for the whole house with 2 fans in his room already.

He's like me, he likes it REALLY cold...but I'm sorry, 60º is unacceptible, and putting the blame to his father when his father obviously would not have done that is what really hurt...his dad and me.

As for the shirt, it was a grandparent of one of his teammates. He has done this once before and I told K, next time, decline. Then, when he was about to go on his trip, I told him...neither you nor anyone else, including L's grandfather can buy you a shirt for this.

He understood, and was concerned about what to do if anyone offered, and I told him, simply say NO that mom was probably going to pick one up for him at his sister's national tourney (they both went to nationals, but his was out of state and my husband couldn't get off, so I opted to go to my daughter's nationals because she just started this weekend team and her brother has been getting a TON of basketball attention).

I mean, if you bought a shirt for every tournament this boy was in, I'd probably have 10 of them in 2 months. We're ALWAYS on the go with them!

thanks for the reply. I hope I didnt come off as a judgemental jerk. If so I am sorry.

Was there concern he has SA his sister? Just bc a child is SA does not mean they will do that to another child I was and I would of NEVER even thought of doing that to another child. Sorry I've not read a lot of your post so I am sorry if I ask a lot of? lol

[myangels]

n/m I read your other post and they have never sexually acted out to each other but they was SA. Seems to me they are being punished because they was SA. Can't sit on dad's lap,( sitting on your dads lap is nothing sexual! Our biological daugher as WELL as our 3 adopted daughters that was also SA have sat on their daddys lap) can't stay home alone together. I am sorry but they was the victims not the perps.I guess I can atleast say noone treated me that way in a foster home. ( I know they are adopted but I am saying foster as I never was in a adoptive home)

I mean I understand being careful but they deserve a normal life as much as it can be. It can't very well be normal if someone is always thinking OHH they was SA so they cant do XYZ .

Backing out of this thread bc honest to God after reading some of the threads I am left sadden .

[akcskye]

What 10 year old girl sits on her dad's lap...SA or not...there comes an age and time where all normal dads realize it's time to not be so cuddly with their daughters.

My kids have never been treated like perps. Kids play doctor, SA or not...and it's up to the parents to teach them healthy boundaries.

When I had the previous rule mentioned, they were new to the home and had NO boundaries. They would walk in on each other in the shower, etc. That is why I had that rule.

They would get up at 5 and 5:30 and sneak around my house, stealing food (even though they were WELL fed), money, you name it.

I physically could not get up because of 2 slipped discs in my lower back...it would take hours for me to be able to go from feeling paralyzed to being able to get out of bed, so we had to enforce that rule for everyone's safety.

But you know, I will not continue to defend my parenting style on this forum just because it's not normal to today's parenting style.

It works for us, and my kids are model kids for the most part.

I come here to vent and I'm chastised for being too hard on the children, and it's not that. On the contrary, I feel that today's parents are WAYYYYYYYYYY too easy on their kids.

It's like they don't like to tell them no, and in the end, you tend to get a spoiled slacker as an adult.

I, as a responsible parent, MUST do what is best for them, and until I can cut them some slack, they will not get slack.

Originally Posted by myangels

n/m I read your other post and they have never sexually acted out to each other but they was SA. Seems to me they are being punished because they was SA. Can't sit on dad's lap,( sitting on your dads lap is nothing sexual! Our biological daugher as WELL as our 3 adopted daughters that was also SA have sat on their daddys lap) can't stay home alone together. I am sorry but they was the victims not the perps.I guess I can atleast say noone treated me that way in a foster home. ( I know they are adopted but I am saying foster as I never was in a adoptive home)

I mean I understand being careful but they deserve a normal life as much as it can be. It can't very well be normal if someone is always thinking OHH they was SA so they cant do XYZ .

Backing out of this thread bc honest to God after reading some of the threads I am left sadden .

[sadiegirl]

Kristi,

Your rules are your rules and they need to be followed.

The only thing I will say is that you said he was being a hoodlum but he went to the t-ment so as not ot let his team down.

I think I would've NOT let him go...that would've been the punishment.

So sorry you're going thru this...I do NOT look forward to the pre-teen and teen years!

[crick]

While I think it's normal behavior, it doesn't mean he should just get away with it. You specifically laid out this rule and he broke it. It's not about the shirt persay, it's the fact that you had one rule and he said "Ya, whatever".

As far as a parent buying him something, that's pretty common. You might not understand it or like it, but it is pretty common for people to get a little trinket for their kids' friends in these situations. If I took along one of my kids' friends and was buying something for my kid, I'd feel rude to not at least offer the friend something too. kwim? If the kid told me "no, my mom said I couldn't have anything", then I would respect that. You might call the grandparent and ask him to not buy things for your child in the future if it's something he typically does. That way your son isn't in this "rock and hard place" as you put it. Declining these things etc. is a learned behavior and actually kind of difficult for a kid to turn down.

I do think you might consider your reaction to it. You might have just calmly said "I'm sorry you chose to break the one rule I gave you and you'll need to pay the parent back for the shirt." That's an appropriate consequence. And if you feel that his behavior isn't going well at home then don't reward him with a trip to the tournament in the future. The sake of the team's winning etc. is not more important than teaching your child that he has to earn the privilege of going to these things.