[Stormster]

I don't care this time....in fact, I'm so over it.

How am I supposed to have an OA if they won't be acknowledging his bday with even a phone call?

What am I supposed to even tell him? They love you but they won't be calling you for you birthday?

I'm COMPLETELY over cards and presents, but not even an email or phone call?

Sorry just venting.

[Gwen72]

I'm hoping there is a good reason that they did not even call on his birthday. I know that I am usually very depressed around the time of my placed son's birthday. I think about how desperate my situation was and how I felt that I had no choice. I think about the doctors and nurses not letting me see him or hold him. I have such a hard time getting out of bed and functioning on any level around the time of his birth. Maybe E's birthparents are just having a hard time right now. As an adoptive mom I would be hurt and angry for my son that his birthparents did not acknowlege his birthday. On the other hand, as a birthmom I can see how his birthday may bring up too much baggage for them to deal with. I hope you can work this out with them.

[Stormster]

We'll work it out, but i worry about what to TELL him. kwim?

[ChromaKelly]

I understand. I'm the one who's felt like a stalker trying to keep in touch with C's birthmom, and we never hear anything from her. I end every letter with "Please feel free to call, email, or write at any time." and I list all the contact info for us, again. I also wonder what am I going to tell him. Adoptive parents get the rap of being the ones who don't want OA, but here we are, longing for contact.

[PersianMama]

I'm not sure how old your son is, but when he's old enough to notice, you tell him that some people don't know how to be parents. That's what we told my nephew when his father stopped calling and visiting him when he was two (didn't talk about it until he was three/four). Eventually, he stopped asking. Worse than not calling is some contact, then none, then some again. My sister finally told her ex that he had to be consistent or to stop calling once every year or so. He would tell his son that he had presents for him, and the little guy would ask to check the mail ever single day (went on for a year). It was heartbreaking.

We haven't adopted yet, but when we do, that is going to be crucial to whatever kind of OA we have. Once the child is old enough to understand, you either have to be in or out. Being an adult can be hard, but you either do what you've promised a child or you stay away.

[4everwaiting]

I'm so sorry, wish there was something i could say!

I email, send pictures and cards and like you i hear nothing. I imagine this will be an issue for us too...

((HUGS))

[nee18]

I'm sorry, Storm, that really stinks. My DH and I have been talking about how to handle this lack of contact/effort too from our DS's birthmom. We've made it as clear as I think we can without pressuring her that we would love to have more open communication, that she can call/send letters, e-mails, etc., but, if anything, it's decreasing. I've tried to figure out what to tell our son when he's older and notices these things, although maybe it will change. It's hard, though, because I don't want to lie and make excuses for her, but I also don't want to bad-mouth her at all, especially to him. We might just have to say "I don't know." I'm sure that answer won't be enough, but it might be the best we can give him. I think what's important, too, is that he knows we've made it clear to her that she is welcome to call/e-mail, etc. so that he doesn't feel disappointed by us as well. Maybe when E's older and he's able to better communicate what he wants from his birthparents, they will be more responsive if they hear from him just how important these phone calls are.

[Cjmeck]

I'm sorry... I can relate in a way...my husband's parents--aka GRANDMA and GRANDPA, don't call or send presents either. I don't know what its like to be a birthparent, maybe E's actual birthday isn't a celebration for them, but rather a date they grieve?

[joskids]

Storm, we have the same situation here. We're supposed to have an "open adoption" but have hit on some roadblocks and I'm about done assuming there is anything else we can do to make it work. I believe we've done everything right. Our baby girl's mother never even called to thank us for BEAUTIFUL (and expensive) photos we sent to her for our daughter's third birthday.

As for what we will tell her about all we've gone thru in this supposed "open adoption" - we will tell our daughter the COMPLETE truth and hold nothing back. I think her birth father feels he will pop back into her life one day and tell her he wanted to parent. And he can do that, if the time comes and he feels he wants to handle it that way. But we will already have told her the truth about what it takes to be a parent and how he didn't do the things he should have done to make it happen. You know what they say --- the truth will set you free!!!!!!!!

I know, though, how frustrated you must feel. After all, we are the ones left to answer the questions. And here I thought that open adoption would lend itself to the biological parents answering their own questions. Stupid of me, I know...

[KarenInCa]

Storm, I feel your pain.
I raised my bio son and his birth father came around and visited him till he was 5 yrs old. Then .....NOTHING.
I didn't ever initiate anything in the way of conversations about it with my son as he was growing up, but when he would ask, I would say, "Im sure he loves you, but he doesn't know how to show you." My son would come up with excuses, and we left it at that. He needed the excuses. Finally, he ran in to his birth father accidentally when he was 14 yrs old, and his birth father literally turned and ran the other way. I guess too much time had elapsed for his birth father to explain himself.
I know there's a hole in my sons' heart, even today, at 25 yrs old. And it probably won't heal too soon. But he knows I love him, and he really cherishes family. This situation might have made him more so.
The only thing you CAN do is raise him without expecting them to contact him in the future.
All you can do is leave it open on your side. My son's birth father still does not contact him, and it hurts me as much as it does my son. Perhaps some day, your sons birth parents will want to contact him. If they don't, then at least he will know how to contact them himself, if he so chooses.

[EZ2Luv]

I am sorry torm, I know your main concern is E.
This is one of the reasons why I am on the fence about OA and if anything lean towards semi OA.
There are just too many variables and expectaions. Eventually the child is the one that may end up with more questions. IDK, I better sit on my hands here.

Maybe at some point I will start a thread about this to get feedback, not now though.
EZ

[aclee]

I think you can tell him that sometimes you can love and care about another person, but not have a life that is stable enough that you have the luxury of stopping to think of things like birthdays. I'm not saying she forgot, I'm saying that maybe she's not in a place stability wise either mentally, emotional or financially where she could get the call made.

It's very hard. We heard from Ty's bmom on his birthday, but have heard nothing since. We've attempted every sort of contact we have available, and have said we are concerned, and gotten no response. I can't understand or guess what is going on in their lives, heads or hearts that has made us lose contact, but I don't think it's because they don't love Ty anymore...you know?

You will know the right thing to tell him when the time comes...if he has that question. It might be a lot of years before he thinks of things like that and maybe she will be more consistent by then.

you!

[kara05kara]

It is SO frustrating to no hear from Birthparents after having contact in the past. Our 3 (now almost 4) year old's Birthmother had frequent phone calls, letters, pictures, and even gifts sent to him during his first year. Then it began to fade, and now we're not hearing anything at all. We're at a point now where we no longer send her gifts and only do letters & pictures.

A part of me was wondering that maybe it's really getting hard on her to watch him grow up? Also, maybe it's easier to send a letter or talk on the phone to a baby (who doesn't yet have ideas and opinions) and harder to send a letter or talk on the phone to a preschooler (who has definite things to say)? I do think it is somewhat common to have contact fade after the first year.

I'd be interested to hear a Birthmother weigh in on how things change after the first year or two of placing...

I, too, wish we could have more contact.

Hope you hear from her soon!

Natalie

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by joskids

I know, though, how frustrated you must feel. After all, we are the ones left to answer the questions. And here I thought that open adoption would lend itself to the biological parents answering their own questions. Stupid of me, I know...

This is exactly how I feel. Honestly though, I'm not that upset, I think I'm just miffed. My over riding thought/feeling is that this is exactly why they knew they couldn't parent. Stuff like this is just not something they can pull themselves together for. I am sure they are grieving, esp. him. I may actually call him today. I really really like him. He lost his mom this year too.

Not sure will probably just send her pics and ask if she wants to skype.

As I said, it's not like we're closing anything.....just frustrated because we thought OA would be less painful for E in the long run and with our particular cast of people, it may not be.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by KarenInCa

Storm, I feel your pain.
I raised my bio son and his birth father came around and visited him till he was 5 yrs old. Then .....NOTHING.
I didn't ever initiate anything in the way of conversations about it with my son as he was growing up, but when he would ask, I would say, "Im sure he loves you, but he doesn't know how to show you." My son would come up with excuses, and we left it at that. He needed the excuses. Finally, he ran in to his birth father accidentally when he was 14 yrs old, and his birth father literally turned and ran the other way. I guess too much time had elapsed for his birth father to explain himself.
I know there's a hole in my sons' heart, even today, at 25 yrs old. And it probably won't heal too soon. But he knows I love him, and he really cherishes family. This situation might have made him more so.
The only thing you CAN do is raise him without expecting them to contact him in the future.
All you can do is leave it open on your side. My son's birth father still does not contact him, and it hurts me as much as it does my son. Perhaps some day, your sons birth parents will want to contact him. If they don't, then at least he will know how to contact them himself, if he so chooses.

If someone did this to DS I don't know what i'd do but it wouldn't be pretty... THAT IS HORRIBLE!!!!!!!