[loveajax]

I am in an introspective mood (because of crazy things going on in my family), but I started thinking recently of stereotypes of APs or PAPs that bother me. (BTW, as a caveat, I do understand that there are far "worse" sterotypes about birth parents and even adoptees, and I try to dispel them when I can IRL and on the internet, etc.).

And maybe I have been reading far too many "negative" adoption things, but here goes my list of ones that bother me.

1. Entitlement. I see this come up alot when referring to PAPS or even APs, and I just have to stop and think: did I ever feel entitled? And the absolute answer is no. In fact, after five years of infertility, the last thing I ever felt was that I "deserved" a baby. I remember being so gunshy and cautious when we were matched, until I learned that DD's birth mom really wanted Dh and I to be EXCITED about becoming parents. My heart was so "scared" at that point that I never felt "entitled" to DD....just blessed to become her mom.

2. Insecurity. I see a lot of stuff raised about APs being insecure. This one probably is more of a feeling I had than "entitlement," but once DD home was home with us, I have had very few "insecure" moments (though admittedly there have been "niggles"). To be honest, I am not even sure what I am "supposed" to feel insecure about. I suppose some day in the future, if DD wanted to disengage from us and thought of her birth parents as her "real" parents, I would feel that way, but now....no, don't really have it.

3. My DD was a "cure" for my IF. This one drives me nuts, but I also think APs are somehow responsible for this when they tell people, "You need to 'resolve' your feelings about IF before you adopt." I understand that people have to realize the complexities of adoption and of course realize that their children are not their biological children, but I can say honestly now that I am still not "over" IF but I truly believe it has nothing to do with what kind of mom I am to DD (for those who are "over" IF, I think that's great. It is not a focus of my life anymore, but I guess I still feel like it is a "scar' that I carry).

4. A parents spoil their kids. THIS I am guilty of, but I think it is not because I am an a parent, but because of my personality. I am working on this (OK, not hard enough!).

Have any of you faced these or other sterotypes and been sad about them? I am just curious. BTW, I know IRL there are APs or PAPs who are these things, so I am not trying to "disprove" that they happen. Just thinking out loud!

[Asha0314]

I learned from the classes I took with my agency that entitlement was about the adoptive parent developing a feeling that the adopted child belonged in the family, not about "deserving a baby". Maybe someone can correct me if I'm wrong? It was discussed because it was something adoptive parents actually needed to be effective parents.

I didn't know anything about the other topics you mentioned regarding PAPs or AP's until I came to this site. This site has been such an eye-opener for me on adoption.

[portlowski]

I think the "entitlement" issue was the most difficult for me. I did NOT feel entitled to someone else's child just because I was infertile and ready to parent. That's a good thing, I think. BUT it was hard to just "flip the switch" when my son came home. I went through a pretty bad time when he was an infant...feeling like I wasn't a "real" mom and feeling guilty about seperating him from his birthmom. His Bmom was the one who actually gave me permisssion to feel entitled...she basically said "I chose you and you have to do this." That helped me a lot...and is just another way that she was a good mom to DS...by making sure I would be a good mom to him.

Sorry if I got OT...interesting subject!

[legal]

My sisterinlaw describes my brother and I as spoiled, simply because we were adopted.

[Fran27]

No entitlement here either, but I know it happens... Last week actually I was watching an old episode of ER where one of the main characters put her baby for adoption and I was shocked of the entitlement they showed to the baby. Then I remembered that thread on another forum about a woman who seemed to feel the same way, and it was enough to remind me that maybe the stereotype isn't that far off sometimes.

Insecurity... sometimes, because I know that nothing is taken for granted in adoption... I think we have more pressure not to mess up than bio parents...

For the infertility cure, I don't think adoption is a cure for infertility either BUT I do believe that adopting should be your first choice when you adopt... even if it's tied with having a bio child... it just shouldn't be second best. Meaning that people shouldn't adopt if deep inside they really want a bio child above all else...

About spoiling, I need to work on that too, but I really think it's more about my personality than because they are adopted (I spoiled my dogs rotten before they started destroying all their toys).

[KarenInCa]

I never felt entitled to have DD, but I have ALWAYS felt blessed. We weren't even considering having kids together, so I suppose we are a bit different than most APs. I have a son who was 19 yrs old when we decided to adopt, and DH and I got married a few years before we decided to adopt, and did not intend to have children together. The concept just came up in conversation one day, and BAM the same day we were exploring our options, and the next day we had chosen an agency.
From the moment we held her the first time, I felt overwhelmed with gratitude to have this opportunity to raise this child.
I'm not so sure we spoil her. But I'm more relaxed with things than I was with my son when he was a child. Partly because I'm older now, and know how quickly they turn 19. So, why stress over the little things?
Also, sometimes I'm easily reminded that she came from having no mommy to hold her or make her feel everything is going to be OK, for the first 16 months of her life because she was living in an orphanage for that long. At four and a half years old, if I spoil her a little bit with extra hugs or sleeping in my bed, or rocking her when she SHOULD be in bed...oh well. If that's spoiled, then I don't care. I get just as much out of it as she does. And I'm going to do it as long as I can. Some day, she's going to be all grown up, and I'm going to miss my little Monkey!

[loveajax]

Asha, I think it's funny how words can mean different things....and yes, I do feel "entitled" to be DD's mom, simply because I am, you know? I have always thought of what you are talking about more as "claiming" (which also has a bad connotation, I guess!). Like I don't feel like I have to leave a "space" between DD and I because I am not her biological mom. Of course, even at 4, she is still too young to grasp that. But I don't leave that space...I have to parent her as fully as if I had given birth to her (though I understand there are other things I have to do as a parent).

Port, I so get that. I really can't describe the sadness/guilt I felt when DD was a young baby. DH who is an adoptee basically had to "snap me in line" and say that our role was not to make DD's birth mom feel "better" (how could we?) but to be the best parents to DD as we could be. (I still struggle with this...even though DD's birth mom is absolutley AWESOME and never makes me feel like "less' of a mom...in fact, I think as a parent herself she is so glad to see how DD and I are truly just a "normal" mom and daughter).

Legal, that peeves me to no end (as a wife and mom to adoptees). Arrgggh!! I am sorry you have faced this.

[loveajax]

Fran, as you know, "Ajax" was my child (literally.,..crrepy, I know) and I still miss him to death and spoiled him rotten. Maverick, arrrggh...not so much, poor pooch!

Karen, DD goes to bed every night on her own and when I wake up she is in our bed sandwiched between us (I don't even hear her!). My mom told me today I did the same exact thing, so I am OK with it. I love morning snuggles!

[KarenInCa]

LOL Loveajax- Sometimes I don't feel DD coming into our bed either, she climbs up from the foot of the bed and ends up between us. Buying a king sized bed was the best investment we did before we got her. But sometimes, she taps me on the shoulder. She always has the "stuffed animal of the week" in tow and her special blanket. I don't know how she finds her way to my shoulder with those two things in her hands, in the dark. She's got tenacity as well as talent!!
No matter how annoyed I am for being woken up in the middle of the night, I'm going to really miss it when she's too old to do that to me anymore.

[loveajax]

Karen, too cute...and as DD inches closer to 5, I know these days are short lived so I try not to get annoyed!! (Of course, I think I am comatose most nights trying to make up from lack of sleep for over four years!).,

[greenrobin]

I didn't have infertility issues. I had 4 bio kids, 3 grew up and moved out and the old baby is nearly 14. I started fostering because we have a big house and love having kids around.

Then the kids started showing up and you just fall for nearly every one of them. Occupational hazard.

And, truth be told, I love sending them home. It's a victory. Painful to be sure, but so worth it. And then the new kids come and you start all over again. And that's a short, rather glib version of what we were doing.

Then Bubba and Flower Girl showed up. We were rooting for their first mom to pull it all together. But over time she just seemed to get worse. I had to testify at her trial. We had been so hopeful for her. And we saw it coming. And we made the decision to adopt these children.

Do I feel entitled? Not in the least. Blessed, happy, crazy--yes, but not entitled.

Because I'm a "well-seasoned" (ahem) parent, I have no insecurity about that. I do feel like I'm on shaky ground about what to do about their birth family--they still want contact, and we'll be offering some, just not all they want. They aren't safe or healthy. My insecurity is in worrying about how much and when with that contact.

Spoil them? You bet! I kind of did it with all of my kids. Mostly it looks like lots of love, attention, affection, and time. Also guilty of the kid crawling into bed thing! This time around it's a little different with the spoiling--we aren't as broke as we used to be. Both of us have been teaching long enough now that we make more than $1.98, so there are a few extra dollars. So, the children--including bioboy Jay--get nicer stuff than the older kids did.

Want to know something funny? I asked our older 3 if it bothered them that Bubba and Flower Girl were getting more stuff than they did. They all just looked at me, wrinkled up their foreheads at my silliness and one of the girls said, "NO! Mom, they came from nothing. They deserve everything you can give them."

If that is a direct result of their being spoiled, I'd say it was a good thing!

[loveajax]

Green, your post absolutely makes my heart sing!! Honestly. Thank you for sharing.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by portlowski

I think the "entitlement" issue was the most difficult for me. I did NOT feel entitled to someone else's child just because I was infertile and ready to parent. That's a good thing, I think. BUT it was hard to just "flip the switch" when my son came home. I went through a pretty bad time when he was an infant...feeling like I wasn't a "real" mom and feeling guilty about seperating him from his birthmom. His Bmom was the one who actually gave me permisssion to feel entitled...she basically said "I chose you and you have to do this." That helped me a lot...and is just another way that she was a good mom to DS...by making sure I would be a good mom to him.

Sorry if I got OT...interesting subject!

Once again, I could have written this verbatim Port!

[portlowski]

Once again, I could have written this verbatim Port!

We do often seem to be traveling the same wavelength, Storm!

[BabsCanada]

AP joining in to say, Yes, probably, you might say dd is 'spoiled' ... but ...

I prefer the term 'indulged' ...

The only entitlement I feel is the entitlement to indulge her!!!