[smash_effect]

Hello all. This is the only place I can get good advice from birthparents and adoptive parents. Please hang with me while I explain an issue I'm stressed about.

My son's birthmom is close with us. We enjoy the times we hang out and had a fabulous time just this past weekend at our local farmer's market. So, great relationship normally. Today I saw a comment on facebook she made about a great local pizza joint. I hopped over to her page to make a comment about how yummy that place is, etc. I noticed a conversation on her page that bothered me. If you don't have facebook, this won't make sense. Here's the convo. I'll call my son's birthmom "C" and her friend "K".

K: I hope to get to see your son soon because he's getting so big. He's so cute!
C: He's cute because he looks just like his daddy.
K: He looks a bit like you!
C: He's 90% daddy, 10% mommy.
K: Don't worry, you'll have another baby that's more like you.
C: It's hard that he's all daddy because I wish I were still dating his daddy.
Etc...etc...etc...

I about died but my feelings were hurt. We are my son's "mommy and daddy". It's a title that's such an honor.

She called to ask about his upcoming birthday party and I asked about the conversation. She said she didn't know she said that. I told her how we want to promote positive adoption language especially as he's young. Her friends will follow her lead on stuff like that. She said she's sorry all she does is hurt us and she'll quit ever talking about him and she "gives up". My reaction was shock. I wasn't mean or angry sounding at all. I told her she doesn't hurt us and that we love her and that we'd never want her to give up on D. She said "all I ever do is hurt people" and said she'd have to talk another time.

Please help. Am I way off base- do I need to chill?? We have such a great relationship normally, plus this all relates back to D and having healthy language and boundries etc. Please let me know if I handled this correctly and, if I didn't, how I should handle things in the future.

Thanks for listening. I'm so protective over my son's bmom and so I don't want to ever say anything negative to friends or family so ya'll are my only sounding board. Thanks again.

[mrskt]

I think you probably were a little over board/boundaries... it's not like she was talking to your child and referring to themselves as mommy and daddy... she was having a semi-private conversation with a friend in her own life... no harm, no foul to you if she refers to themselves as such... in reality they are! Our kiddos are so fortunate that they have 2 mommys and 2 daddys who love them!

The way it's written, it sounds like maybe you have a little envy that he physically looks like them and she's proud of that?

JMO,
Katy

[BrandyHagz]

I agree with mrskt, I think that there is a huge difference between saying those things in front of your child and having a conversation with friends.

My life is not full of qualifiers. I don't call my daughters mom her 'adoptive mom' and she doesn't call me her 'birth mom' - we're both just mom and those who know us (or our situations) understand and know that.

Don't take it personal...her using the title 'mommy' or 'mom' doesn't diminish your role in your child’s life at all. Sometimes, it's just easier to 'go' with what is going on (convo with friends) than to spend 2 hours trying to educate the world on adoption language.

There was recently a thread on this forum about 'little white lies' and I think, from the birth parent perspective, this is one of them. Sometimes, it’s not about fixing the world and making sure everyone is affirmed and educated – it’s about just having a conversation without having to air all of your dirty laundry (and the dirty laundry of your child) to the entire free world.

It’s ok

[smash_effect]

First of all, thanks for the replies.

We are proud of our son's birth parents. We comment to whoever will listen than he has T's eyes, C's bones, skinny like them both. We are not envious at all.

The "qualifiers" conversation is interesting. I've never heard of that. Our agency in their pre/post counseling makes it very clear we are mommy and daddy. Partly for our son to not be confused later. I felt like she overstepped something we already talked about in depth.

If she talks this way with friends (who we're starting to meet as he gets older) won't it be confusing when he's 4 that they refer to T & C as mommy and daddy when we've always been that to him?

Thanks again for listening.

[oceanica]

I understand where you are coming from.
I wouldn't like it so much either but I don't know if I would bother to correct her. I do think her response was rather immature.

My son's bmom calls herself mommy to my son frequently. It bothers my hubby more than me but I told him I'm not going to tell a 15 year old who had a traumatic birth and c-sec 6 months ago not to do that. I wouldn't want to see a crushed look on her face. We probably should have discussed this in advance but didn't. Maybe in the future we will say something about it. So I don't have any good advice for you, other than just keep doing what you are doing in keeping the lines open with her.

[TxMom65]

Originally Posted by smash_effect

If she talks this way with friends (who we're starting to meet as he gets older) won't it be confusing when he's 4 that they refer to T & C as mommy and daddy when we've always been that to him?

Thanks again for listening.

How do you refer to her now to him? Honestly, this is one of the things that crop up in adoption? Will you run into her friends and they refer talk to your son and refer to her as mom? Who knows. You are doing something that my husband tells me I do...borrowing trouble.

I think that seeing the facebook conversation stirred up feelings in you. Some of the weirdest things stir me up sometimes. I hope you and she can get back to a good place.

[BrandyHagz]

All I can tell you is that in my situation - my daughter is 13 - she has never been confused.

Kids are only as confused as the adults around them.

You have to do what works for you in your situation. Every adoption and experience is different.

We use 'birth mom' and 'adoptive mom' when we explain things - not in our every day conversations. It works for us.

I should add, I have never called my birth mom 'mom' or wanted to - although, friends/family who are unfamiliar with adoption language have, all my life - and it's never ever been confusing or upsetting for me. When needed (if I cared to) I'd educate - but overall, I have to much going on in my life to take time to educate everyone I run into about adoption.

[susie_book]

It might have been as simple as her not wanting to qualify it in every conversation she has--when I had my last ultrasound, the tech asked whether I'd started buying baby clothes. I just told her that I hadn't, rather than doing the song and dance about placement. That sort of thing happens frequently in my life, and I don't think of myself as the kid's mom in any sense, frankly. I just don't want to have to correct people and be positive and an educator every time. My mother still makes jokes about kidnapping him from his parents, and after many months of "Not cool, mom, they are his parents" I've gotten to the point where I just tell the kid's mom and otherwise ignore it. You know her better than I do, of course, but there are times when it feels exhausting to have to be an adoption advocate all the time--especially when the benefit to doing so is so murky for us sometimes.

[Whirled_Peas]

I am an adoptive mom. I was reading the conversation wondering what the problem is. She was having a chat with a friend. She's proud of her son. There was nothing malicious to you.

My husband's ex-wife made huge issues about the fact that she is the mom and I am not. The kids know who's who. There is no confusion that she is mom and I am stepmom. She wanted me to correct grocery clerks who made comments about me being mom and them being my kids. What's the point? The kids know and I'm not going to air dirty laundry. She also wanted me to correct teachers who referred to me as mom. They all knew who she was and who I am. Why should I tell someone something they already know? I am sure it was all about her ego.

My bio-son calls me by my first name about 75% of the time. He calls me Mom the rest of the time. I'm just not attached to my title and I think I am more child-friendly because of that.

Our baby has two moms. I am the mom who makes the rules and tucks her in bed at night. The other mom carried her in her tummy and sees her from time to time. We refer to the bmom as Mama (first name) and me as mom. However, my daughter is not just a year. Soon she will be the one to decide what to call each of us. I am not so attached to my title that I will tell her what to call us. I am clear on my role as mom and, as a result, so is my daughter.

To be honest, I think you owe the birthmom an apology.

[Suziebearhugs]

If you really read her words to her friend you'll see a sadness there she's trying to express.

She see's A LOT of the birthfather in her son and it's hard for her because she misses the birthfather and wishes she can be with him.

Infact the conversation seemed more centered around the loss of the birthfather from her life than her role or place in her son's life. Even though her friend had asked specifically about her son.

It sounds like she is hurting right now and while I agree adoption language is important especially around the child. I'm not sure I would have brought it up with her in this scenerio.

I might have written her a private message about how special she is in her son's life and how he looks or does things that remind you of her...even if he looks more like his birthfather. Then, I probably would have tried to cheer her up regarding the birthfather situation and let her know that your there for her. Then, I MIGHT have addressed the use of the word mommy/daddy.

But I'm not sure. I know that when we aren't around our dd and ds's birthfamilies they would call themselves mommy and daddy and I also know that they would also use their birthnames when not in our presence (even now,years after the adoption). Many times they have slipped and then corrected themselves. Apologizing and saying that's what they are used to calling them.

It took a lot of work for us to get everyone to use proper adoption language around our children and yes we had to speak up on many occasions and set boundaries.

Thankfully,because of our hard work and their acceptance of it, they do use proper language around our children now. They even introduce us to their friends,relatives or coworkers as "my granddaughters parents" or this is dd's "mom" or "dad".

So that works for us. Knowing that as long as they use proper adoption language around us and the kids than whatever they do or say in their own private lives is up to them.

But facebook IS one of those questionable areas. It's a mix between personal life and public life. Which is why I personally haven't made that leap yet in inviting birthrelatives to be my friend on it. I'm not sure I want them so involved in my private life.

So it's hard for me to say wether it's right to address the issue with her or not. If she knows you are a friend on it and you both frequently visit each others pages then yes, you both should be careful what is said and what adoption language to use. But on the other hand, she should also be free to express her own feelings with her friends and family without you all setting up rules for her own personal life and friendships.

Regardless of her status as birthmom she will always be a mommy to her child as well, I'm sure she feels that she has earned that title as well. Placing her child didn't make that any less her son, and doesn't rob her of that title of Mommy in her own heart. So yes, she does have every right to use those terms with her family and friends while still respecting you as her sons "mommy" in her relationship with you and her son.

I do agree she responded immaturely when you confronted her. But I assume she is a young girl to begin with, and from her message a hurting girl. She not only lost her son but is really struggling the loss of her son's father as well, along with what ever else is going on in her life. It may not have been the best way or time to bring up the adoption language issues. Especially, when if you read what she wrote she was already in a lot of pain.

She may be wondering to herself, how nothing she does seems to be right and she keeps causing pain to others, when in reality it's her again trying to reach out and say SHE is in pain and no one really cares enough to step in and help her. So she'd rather just act immaturely and say she gives up and it's not worth fighting or trying anymore.

Sound to me like this girl is in need of a big hug and some support.

[Amandak249]

Smash- I am 23 years old. I had a semi open adoption. To this day, my birthmother refers to herself as "mommy". I'm actually one of the ones who doesn't especially like this. I feel that my mother, my adoptive mother, is my "mommy" and I much prefer to call my birthmother by her first name.


If she refers to my birthfather, she says "daddy" ( when she knows I only call him by his first name). She wrote me letters when I was a little child. She always signed it "mommy". She recently discovered text messaging. When she texts me she always finishes with a "love Catalina (mom!)"


Does it make me uncomfortable? Yes. I notice everytime she does it. It does no feel natural to me.


But I never say a word to her. It doesn't confuse me, or make me feel less of my parent's daughter because this other woman is calling herself my mother.

I'm significantly older than your son obviously, and he'll be raised in a different situation than I was, since his adoption is fully open- but I wouldn't worry about confusing him. He's no dummy- he'll grow up knowing what you mean to him, and what his birthmom means to him.

As for your own feelings? I understand how that might have irked you. I feel a little bit strange when I hear my birthmother refer to herself as "mommy" all the time.It makes me extremely uncomfortable.


But would I ever tell her? Never. That would make her very sad. I don't know if shes a "mommy" to me- I think not. I don't see her in that light. But she is important to my life and I will respect her. If respecting her and her place in my life is as easy acknowledging her desire to refer to herself as my mommy in conversations with me? It's a small price to pay.


What your son's birthmother says and does with her own private conversations is her own business. I know my birthmother tells everyone in the state of Oklahama that I'm her daughter. I doubt she ever mentions adoption. And that's her choice. It has no bearing on me, my family, or my life. If she is continuously referring to herself as "mommy" in front of your son- that;s different and may warrant further discussion.

Sometimes we just can't sweat the small stuff.

[BethanyB]

It sounds like you are a good person with good intentions, who does want the best for your child's birth mother. However, I do think you probably overreacted a little bit.

She was not referring to herself as mommy in front of your child. She was speaking to her friend,on her private facebook page. And yes, she actually is the child's mother as well. Was her friend going to say, "Oh your birth child looks just like you?" Think of it from her friends point of view? She gave birth to the baby.

In fact, I don't have an OA and sometimes in conversation I will say, "My child's mother." See, I know I'm mom. But my kids have another mom too. If we ever had an OA, I would want them to call her by her first name and not mom, however I expect if she had conversations with family and friends, she would use the word mother to describe herself. She will always be their other mother.

Remember in adoption, our kids have two mothers. Our kids birth mothers don't stop being moms when they place their kids for adoption.

And again, if she were referring to herself as mommy to your CHILD, I would be on your side. I think you probably hurt her feelings. It may be a good idea for you guys to NOT be facebook friends. That way, you won't have a strain on your relationship.

[Fran27]

I agree with everyone... what they're called privately really doesn't matter in the end.

I would be more bothered by the fact that it would almost seem as if she was actually parenting him though... but again, it's her business and her facebook page.

[SupaModel]

She was talking to her friend. Not you or your baby. I feel because of that it wouldnt bother me. I have no idea how DS birthmom refers to herself when she with friends or family and honestly I dont care but that's just me. Also that why I would NEVER friend H's birthmom on FB. Chanes are things like this could come up and I would just rather not deal.

[belleinblue1978]

I think you overreacted. She's obviously dealing with a lot of hurt right now and judging by her response to you confronting her about it, her self esteem is pretty low and she feels like she is hurting everyone around her. I'm going to disagree with the others that are calling her immature, I've done that too, even as an adult, said fine, if I can't do the right thing, then I'm just pulling back because I can't hurt more people.

She has every right to call herself mommy or mom or whatever in private conversations that don't directly involve you or your (collective) son. In her heart she is his mom, she will always be his mom, and no one can take that away.

Another thought.... we tout "positive" adoption language all the time, but maybe some of it doesn't feel very positive to her. I know I sure don't like some the terms that are used regarding who I am and what my role is in my son's life.