[KarenInCa]

My DD is 4 (will be 5 in October). Most recently she's asked about her birth mother. A couple of times (including today) she's looked mournful and said, "I miss my birth mommy".
A little background for anyone who doesn't know. We adopted our daughter from China. She was with her birth mother at most for the first 4 days of her life, then she was taken to an orphanage, and spent 16 months with one familiar nanny. Then we were given her referral and blessed with adoption.
She knows her A-yi (the nanny who took care of her for the first 16 months in the orphanage) was not her birth mother. She's talked about missing her A-Yi before, and we have embraced her relationship with her A-yi since she we brought her home when she was 16 months old.
Most likely, we will never know who her birth parents are, because children have to be abandoned in China before they are found by someone else and taken to an orphanage. We know where she was left, and found, but to keep from being caught, many times, the child is taken to a distant area to be abandoned.
When she says she misses her birth mother, she gets really sad. And quite honestly, I think her birth mother thinks about her too, but I don't know. We've started dialogue about the one child policy in China with her, but the concept is a bit harsh for a 4 year old. She goes way out in left field, and announces, "LOOK AT THAT BIG TRUCK!" Maybe she's changing the subject or maybe she isn't understanding the concept, or both. We feel we're raising her with a healthy appreciation of her birth parents and her birth place. Mostly I just say, "I know you're sad, and it's ok to be sad about your birth mommy".
I'd appreciate advise from adoptees, birth parents, and/or those who have already experienced the infant loss of birth parents with a 4-5 yr old.
Thanks.

[HeidiK]

My son ( now 6) has expressed that same thought many times. We have a very open relationship with his birthmom - so we just pick up the phone and say HI!

But I do know the heartache you must feel - it makes me so sad when he "aches" for her. Not in a jealous way - just in I want to take this pan away from my baby!

[Barksum]

One of my sons had a period of time where he would talk about his birth mother and his birth family quite a bit. He would mention missing her, and would talk about his feelings on the subject. He would make up stories about things they did, the pets they had, etc. None of this was true, and he only saw his birth mother once after he was born, when he was maybe a month old. He lived with his foster mom for a year and we do have open communication with her, and he knows who she is. He was confused between his birth mother and his foster mother. I think he has it straight now...maybe! LOL

He talked the most about his birth mother and missing her, etc., when he was around 5. We even had times when he was crying about missing her and being confused about who she was and various things.

I interpreted what he was saying as, "I know that I didn't grow in your tummy, and I know that there's someone out there that I haven't met, and that's sad." He was aware of what a family is and that it is sad when a family can't stay together. I did some talking about his birth mother, and his foster mother, and we did a lot of rocking and snuggling.

One thing that did come out was that he was a little uncertain about being with us forever and always having me as his mom. We talked about why his birth mother couldn't take care of children (in his case she was a major heroin addict who was often homeless) and that she had needs that she wasn't able to meet for herself. (And we do pray for her and we let him know that it's ok to pray for her and hope that she's doing well.) It was really tough for me to not be able to just magically make his pain disappear, but for him we did find that talking about him coming to us and how much we looked forward to meeting him, what his foster mother said, what we said, what happened on the trip to bring him home...all those stories about how he became part of the family were really pivotal for him. He really loves to go over and over the stories,and to be reassured that he is our son, that daddy is his daddy and I am his mommy.

As he's matured he seems to have processed some of that grief and now asks questions and is able to think about them without it being so painful. I think there are different times in a person's emotional development that they are struck more forcibly by some aspect of loss and it takes a bit to work through that. I'm sure we'll have more times through our lives together where he'll have more questions and pain to work through as we go forward.

[Stormster]

One of E's sibs who was adopted privately has had a VERY hard time apparently (she's in her teens now) and spent many years worrying about her birth mother. The adoption closed early on because of some very dramatic stuff. Not sure if she was old enough to remember her when the adoption closed but I find it fascinating that so many kids adopted as infants or even at birth have this come up. To me this is the biggest reasons OA is the best alternative when possible. Second reason is the peace of mind of the birth mother but my MAIN reason has always been the child's peace of mind.

Makes me also wonder about how to word "she's sick (addicted)" or "she's not able to take care of a child" or even "she didn't have enough money" gets interpreted by the young mind.

I feel like we will start talking to E about this around 3 and keep it VERY light. Apparently this sib of E's was in therapy at 2 and her issue was ALREADY her birth mother?! This is part of the reason we want to wait, also E is not exactly "mature for his age" he doesn't even know that babies grow in tummys so....

BTW I don't like it when people say "kids worry about all kinds of stuff, this is normal" in defense of telling them super young. No kid I know has ever worried about an adult's welfare at such a young age. I mean I'm sure it happens when a parent gets sick or after a divorce but I'm not putting that on DS until I know he's good and ready! For now she's just a family friend and we do it for her and also of course to set the groundwork for his future.

Sorry to ramble. To the OP I'm just musing and I'm sorry not to directly answer your question but I'm behind you and very interested in the whole topic.

[bluebonnet_72]

My daughter is 4 almost 5, and we have been having conversations like this lately. She says, "I miss my birthmom" or "I love L. and H. (birthparents)." She doesn't remember them as she went from the hospital to foster care, where she lived for about 2 years before coming home to us. She has also started expressing that L. and H. "sent her to a new family because she was bad." She was thinking I might send her away also if she was bad. It just broke my heart that she believed that.
We talk about her birthparents didn't know how to take care of a baby, so the social worker took her somewhere she could be safe. I let her know it is good to love L. and H, and that it is okay to feel sad and miss them. I've also been very firm that she wasn't "sent away" and it had nothing to do with being "bad" and that nothing she could ever do would make me "send her to a new family."
I guess this must be the age for these conversations.

[linda512]

I think it sounds like you are doing the right things. You are giving her the space to grieve and that's what she needs to do. You're not lying to her that her birth mommy is okay or not or anything you don't know and you are not trying to convince her that she does not need to be sad. I agree with you that she is too young to understand about one child polity and why her mother might have abandoned her. That discussion can happen later.
It must be so hard to hear and not reassure her that you are her mommy and she is okay. If you are able to let her talk about it, you're doing great, in my opinion.

[JeannineW]

We also had this come up about 3 years ago when our daughter was just about to turn 5. She was adopted at 2 1/2 after being in foster care for 5 months in Guatemala.

We have talked, rocked and cried. We have talked about what we can share about her mom. We talk about how she joined us, how excited we were to bring her into our family, how she is with us forever and how she is right were her Heavenly Father wants her to be. We have worked on a life book. She also has a matched set of a pictures on her nightstand - one of her birthmom and her and one of the me and her. This was per her therapists advice.

When we added the picture of the two of us a few months ago, her reaction was very interesting. She got very quiet. I knew something was up so I got her talking. She said she felt like she was full of love and then started crying about her birthmom. She obviously had very mixed emotions.

She cried last week, but after that, she said she knew she had a family that loved her right here. I think she is really starting to process the love of a mother for her child and what she has lost and what she has. She has definitely made progress in the past three years but I think she will always grieve for what she has lost. She knows I will be here for her whenever she needs to talk.

[KarenInCa]

Thanks for the responses thus far. We talk often about our family "story" of getting the call, and going to the agency to see her pictures, and traveling to China, and what it was like to meet her. We also talk often about her A-yi caring for her till she could come home. She loves those stories and asks for them often. I think they give her a sense of belonging and identifying with family. They give her a sense of history beyond being 16 months old, like telling a baby what it was like when she was born, or first crawled.
Yesterday when she said she missed her birth mom, she also said, "I wonder what she looks like?" I told her, "I don't know what she looks like, I've never met her before. She probably looks a lot like you. Maybe she smiles like you."
Barksum-I think you're right. The "I miss her" could very well be interpreted as "Where is this missing piece of my life? Who is that person? I'm sad that I didn't come from your tummy because that makes me different in a strange sort of way, than my friends". She saw pictures of me pregnant with my adult son recently, and it fits for the logical outcome to be thoughts about herself, somewhat like that.
After reviewing it all in my head, wanting to express her feelings is more important at this age than wanting to know why.

[mom2samuel]

I thought I was the only one!! My ds, age 7, is from Guatemala and has expressed his sadness and grief a lot. He was with a foster mom who cared for him the 4 1/2 months before we brought him home, he was never in his birthmom's care. At least we do have a picture of his birthmother holding him. I explain to him about how poor a lot of Guatemalans are, and that his mother loved him very much and wanted him to have things she couldn't give him. He understands, but it doesn't make it any easier. He wants to go see her, and I had to try to explain how hard it would be to find her, etc. The other day, he said (out of the blue) he wanted to raise money for a Guatemalan charity. I thought that was sweet.

By the way, he also uses the "I miss my birthmom" routine as a way to try to hurt our feelings when he's mad at us. How do they figure these things out?!?!

Michelle

[JeannineW]

Originally Posted by KarenInCa

She saw pictures of me pregnant with my adult son recently, and it fits for the logical outcome to be thoughts about herself, somewhat like that.

Our dd started acting up soon after her baby sister was born almost 3 yrs ago. I think at her age then (almost 5), she was seeing this all come to pass - me being pregnant, me loving all over my new baby - I think that started the wheels turning in her head that she grew in someones tummy and her mom probably loved her. She started mumbling under her breath about "no one loves me but my mom in Guatemala." "I'm going back to Guatemala."

When we finally couldn't take it anymore, I had to very lovingly sit down and explain the facts of her life. She cried for probably two hours. Tears of agonizing grief. I held her and rocked her the whole time. We talked then and many times since then. I think it was a great bonding moment for us, but it was sooooo hard. I think that "lanced" the wound so to speak. It still "festers" but seems to be slowly healing.

When she is a teen, we plan to have my dh and her go on a mission to Guatemala. I think if she sees it for herself, she will be better able to make peace with her mothers choice. I think it is hard for anyone in the US to imagine the poverty in Guatemala and other foreign countries.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by JeannineW

Our dd started acting up soon after her baby sister was born almost 3 yrs ago. I think at her age then (almost 5), she was seeing this all come to pass - me being pregnant, me loving all over my new baby - I think that started the wheels turning in her head that she grew in someones tummy and her mom probably loved her. She started mumbling under her breath about "no one loves me but my mom in Guatemala." "I'm going back to Guatemala."

When we finally couldn't take it anymore, I had to very lovingly sit down and explain the facts of her life. She cried for probably two hours. Tears of agonizing grief. I held her and rocked her the whole time. We talked then and many times since then. I think it was a great bonding moment for us, but it was sooooo hard. I think that "lanced" the wound so to speak. It still "festers" but seems to be slowly healing.

When she is a teen, we plan to have my dh and her go on a mission to Guatemala. I think if she sees it for herself, she will be better able to make peace with her mothers choice. I think it is hard for anyone in the US to imagine the poverty in Guatemala and other foreign countries.

Wow in a selfish way I'd love to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. May I ask what the gist of it was in terms of facts of life in a language your DD understood?

[JeannineW]

Originally Posted by Stormster

Wow in a selfish way I'd love to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. May I ask what the gist of it was in terms of facts of life in a language your DD understood?

The gist was that she was stuck with us forever, she couldn't go back to Guatemala, her mom was too poor to take care of a child, and stuff like that. I just felt that I needed to "set her straight" as gently as I could. Her behavior was starting to get to all of us. Even her older sister (almost 7 at the time) was about ready to say, "Fine, go back to Guatemala!" She was hurting all of our feelings and making it very hard to love her.

It sounds so cold but I think it was a turning point for her and her relationship with the rest of the family. I've also told her that her mother must have loved her very much. Her mother kept her for 2 years. I can't imagine how agonizing that must have been to give up her 2 yo.

More recently, I've told her how proud her mother would be of her. We've talked about some of her accomplishments and how she probably reads better than her mom now. We've talked about how happy her mom would be that she has a loving family that can educate her and give her opportunities that she never had. Stuff like that.