[jillanneb]

Hi all,

I have been reading for awhile now (since we started the adoption process in March), but haven't posted until now. There is a ton of great information and supportive people here, so thank you for reading my post!

We had a recent failed match (not sure if that's the right terminology, so I apologize if it's not). The mother decided to parent her baby girl about 24 hours after we had left the hospital with the baby. Obviously very difficult for us, but in the end, probably the best outcome (after the fact, we found out some things that had been kept from us and the agency that indicated that the father may have been pressuring her to go forward with the adoption).

Anyway, we are now re-evaluating some of our criteria for matching, one issue being that we would feel most comfortable if the expectant mother was receiving outside (of the agency) counseling prior to placement. Our agency also revisited with us whether or not we would be open to a "baby born" situation.

Initially we had said that we weren't, just because we didn't feel we could be ready to become parents so quickly. But now we have the nursery, have everything we need, have been mentally prepared to parent, and I had already left my job to be a stay-at-home mom because of the last situation. So we're more than ready!

Our only remaining concern is not having extensive information about the situation, and specifically, not knowing if the baby had been exposed to drugs or alcohol during the pregnancy. Our agency has advised us that they often don't have this information at the time the match is offered. We just don't know if we're capable of handling any potential resulting special needs, as much as it pains me to say that, but just being honest. Our agency has said that we could say we're open, but if a situation arises where we're not comfortable with the depth of information, we could just decline. Theoretically that sounds good, but I think it would be really hard to say no in actuality. Plus, the short timeframe we'd have to make a decision freaks my DH out a bit (he likes to take his time making decisions).

So, I was just wondering if people would share their experiences with "baby born" situations: what kind of information was available to them at the time, what their thought processes were for deciding if they were or were not open to those situations, etc. We're just trying to think through this decision to find out what will work best for our family. This whole process has been a great learning experience, so maybe this is just another part of becoming more knowledgeable and open -- the potential for drug exposure (beyond occasional) just scares us right now because we don't know a lot about it.

Thanks so much,
Jill

[islandfamily]

Hi!
We adopted through a "baby born" situation after a failed match with an Emom. For us, it has been a wonderful experience. I don't know what the laws are in your state, but our agency drug tests both mom and baby...the bmom knows this ahead of time, so there's no nasty surprises. She also knows ahead of time if the family she has picked for her child will accept any level of drug, alcohol or tobacco use during pregnancy. This helps protect everyone and make sure everything is out on the table, up-front. True, the agency did not have all the medical/social information that we had with the other bmom, but it was provided to us via overnight mail as soon as the caseworker was able to follow up with our birth mom.

I had also thought being matched with an emom was best, but our situation was so awful, with getting embroiled in a lot of her family drama and then the adoption falling through. Well, this was much better. When DS was born, his bmom did not want to meet us, but later changed her mind and we have spoken and exchanged emails. Our agency provides counseling either before or after placement, so see if your agency can help with post-placement counseling for "baby born" situations. If not, you could educate yourself on resources and be prepared IF she were to mention it later to you. I'd be cautious about just offering the info...a lot of people misunderstand offers of help to be indictments of how they are handling a difficult situation.

As for not having a lot of time to make a decision...that is true, but even in "matched" situations, you don't take a week or two to decide...the agency will want to solidify something or they will move on to a couple who can say yes and put the birth mother at ease and moving forward.
Either way this happens for you, best of luck!! Feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat in more detail.

[leenie71]

Hi Jill,
I'm sorry about the failed placement. It must have been very difficult, but I like to think that things happen for a reason.

Great question...we were presented with a 'baby born' situation recently. We've been waiting for a match for a year and a half, so it was quite a shock and we had about 15 minutes to make a decision. I was told that whichever family said yes first would be the ones chosen. No pressure or anything !! The bmom wanted a closed adoption, but we were provided a good amount of info on bmom (drug screen before and after delivery, HIV testing, family and social history) but none on bdad. She wasn't sure who the father was.....so we turned it down. It didn't feel right and not knowing that part was a deal breaker (along with the costat the top of our budget).

This bmom wanted a closed adoption, but I don't know how I would feel if she wanted an open adoption. Not having the chance to get to know her and agreeing to an open situation is throwing a lot of caution to the wind. I guess we would have to look at it on a case-by-case basis (ie level of openness desired by bmom).

However, dh and I are thinking that a 'baby born' situation would be something that we would definitely consider. We've been waiting long enough!

Best of luck to you in your journey to your child!

[yehudit]

Hello,

We accepted a baby born situation 10 months ago and we were not nearly as ready as you say you are. We had a lot of baby stuff, but most of it was in the basement. We are both employed, and have a child who was in school at the time. The nursey was our computer room.

We were called on a Friday afternoon about a baby born that morning. If we wanted her, we had to be at the hosptial (5 hours away in a different state) by Sunday morning. So we had a lot -- a lot -- to do all at once. In our case, the baby was exposed to cocaine, more than just occassionally, and we had to think about that, but basically we decided to hold our noses and jump. I went through 9 months of mental preparation in 36 hours. But we did not have to wait with an emom not knowing if she'd decide to parent or not (no judgements on emoms, but that's got to be tough on the PAPs). Yes it was tough in the beginning, but ultimately we are so glad we did. It did feel a lot like jumping off a bridge. I'm also someone who likes to be prepared, but sometimes when opportunity knocks you have to answer. Sorry for the cliche there

So far everything has turned out great, She is the most beautiful baby in the entire world (sorry everyone, she's mine), independently verified by friends and strangers alike. And I think she might be a genius too

As far as potential exposures, ask around and do some research. Some drugs have more devestating effects than others. DD has 3 bio siblings who were also exposed to cocaine and they are all doing fine.

Good luck with everything,

[Whirled_Peas]

We also did not want a lot of drug exposure. Partly because we did not want to deal with possible problems and partly because we wanted an open adoption. We felt a mom with a lot of drug use would be hard to form a relationship with. We also did not want a history of mental illness. For us this eliminated the option of an unknown father since we wouldn't have any idea of the father's mental health history. I felt bad about these limits. Afterall, every baby needs a loving home, but something just said to not go with these situations. We also did not want a baby with HIV or other communicable diseases.

Then one morning we got a call about a baby born one hour and 20 minutes before. The doctor had received my letter 4 days before and wanted to know if she could share our info with the mom. The mom had no prenatal care, did not know who the father was, did not want to see the baby, and wanted a closed adoption.

There were so many things there that were not what we wanted. However, she denied drug use and the doctor believed her on that. I turned to my husband, said, "Do you want a baby with an unknown dad?" He said, "Sure." And that was that. I had just sorted all the baby stuff 3 days before, so when we learned the mom selected us I essentially grabbed the bags we needed and the carseat and headed to the hospital. She was 6 hours old when I started nursing her.

We did get the drug screens back on mom and baby. We got all the HIV and hepatitis tests back. Everything was fine. In time the birthmom did contact us and she has been to our house three times. She is a very nice woman and she's great with her other kids. She gave me permission to send her updates so I now send her emails and photos about once a month. Sometimes she emails back, sometimes she does not.

I am totally in love with my daughter. She is the happiest baby I have ever met (and I've met a lot.)
We were really lucky, I think a lot could have gone wrong, but it didn't. On top of everything else, she looks just like me and my bioson.

My recommendation would be to do as the sw suggested and be open to the situation. Learn what is known and make a decision based on that. You can always say no. But maybe, like us, you'll say yes and meet a really amazing baby.

By the way, if you want to read the thread when we first received the call, here it is: Got "THE" call, can't find our attorney

[Gwen72]

Hello. !st I want to say I am sorry about your failed match. We had a similar situation. I was devestated. We accepted a baby born situation just 4 days after our fall through. Our son's birthmother had no prenatal care, drank until she passed out every weekend and smoked pot on occasion. All we cared about was his APGARs were 9 and 9 and his initial drug screen was negative for everything. He is a very happy, healthy baby. He has been a few weeks late but within reason for all his milestones so far. He has always been very alert and interested in things going on around him so we think he's going to be very smart. We had no attachment problems. He is the light of our lives. You should not be afraid to consider baby born situations. It could be the best thing that ever happens to you. Good Luck!

[Amber76]

Our son was also a baby born situation. I found out about him 24 hours after he was born. We had very, very little information about him or his birthfamily. Basically we just knew he was pretty much healthy although he was born at 35 weeks, and that his birthmom denied all drug and alcohol use. We went for it on that little information, and we have never, ever regretted it. If I had my choice, I would always adopt a baby already born instead of waiting through a match with an emom. We did that for only a week and it was sooo hard not to worry about everything and so disappointing when it didn't work out for us. Good luck on your decision!

[Linny]

I, too, am very sorry for the pain you had to go through with your last possible placement. I'm glad though, that it's not kept you from going forward and still hoping to adopt a baby.

"Already born-babies' were the only way we would go! We've adopted six babies...and all six have been 'already born'. True, it's often sudden; but I have to tell you.....we've never had any agency or attorney pressure us into making any kind of snap-decision about accepting a baby---even if it was already born! IMO, that's not professional or even kind to the bmom or the adopting couple. (I know...another thread for another time...)

BUT, in regards to wanting to know about any kind of exposure.........as one previous poster already wrote, many states require testing of the baby AND bmom. (None of our situations tested both....but it was a sure bet when one bmom tested postive for pot and cocaine, it was certain baby had been exposed too.)
Further, any agency/attorney can only give you any info about a birthmom as the birthmom relates.

We felt better about adopting 'already born babies', because we feel, it puts less pressure on everyone involved....bmom has had more time to make a decision without the presence of adopting parents; baby has already had any medical attention s/he may need if special needs are present; and, you already know the gender of the baby (if that matters at all---but it's nice if you're shopping for clothing!! )

In terms of being afraid of any birth problems, etc......any would be more certain at birth than previous to birth; and, if you're worried about drug exposure........just be sure to educate yourself as you would with any 'match' of a bmom. Frankly, we always felt 'already born babies' were a 'safer' way to adopt as well....in terms of every avenue. (Bmom decision, money paid to attorney/agency, preparation for any special needs, etc)
And yes, we have been known to turn down a situation too.
If it were my decision, there'd be no 'matches' made in the adoption world...but only 'already born babies' to place.

Please feel free to pm me if I can be of any help to you...

Sincerely,

Linny

[sheababy]

The baby born situation is the best thing that ever happened to us and the scariest! We actually had our first baby born situation where the mom decided to parent. That alerted us to the fact that we were NOT ready! So we got ready in case we called got the call again. Two months later we were on a plane to get DD.

As for information, when we got the call from our agency (about 15 hours after the baby's birth), they faxed us the 30 page birth mother questionairre, we had a picture of DD, the fact that the mom was cocaine positive, DD's APGAR scores. Somehow we missed the fact that DD was also cocaine positive. This came to light when we were in the nursery and the nurse was telling us signs to look for in regards to withdrawal. None of the nurses would have guessed DD was cocaine positive as she showed NO withdrawal signs. DD is now 2and is super intelligent and a joy to be around. We may have thought twice if we had known she was positive so I'm glad we didn't know-she is so perfect for our family.

So looking back and knowing that I am a planner and not a last minute decision maker here is my best advice:

1-be open to the situation. It is a whirlwind and tough to become a parent overnight but for us it was better than being matched for 3 months and worrying all that time.

2-pack a back with everything you will need for the baby for 2 weeks, if you can pack a bag for yourself as well. Think out who will watch your house, pets etc. We had planned on sending our dogs to the kennel but they were full as it was a holiday weekend.

3-educate yourself on various drug exposures beforehand. Obviously every situation will be different so don't be afraid to ask your agency/SW etc for more specifics. Take as much time as you need to make a decision-this is not only the rest of your life but the child's life.

4-be prepared to "go with the flow" even if you are matched things will not go exactly as planned-that's life.

Feel free to PM me with any questions.

[Fran27]

With our agency it was a bit different, you say ahead of time what you are comfortable with, and they match you accordingly. You can't turn down a match unless something shows up that wasn't in your criteria. It's the same for emergency placements, once you say you're ok with that, you can't say no (unless of course it doesn't fit your criteria for the rest).

In our case, we were fine with emergency placements because the agency only worked in a few states close to us so we knew it would unlikely be very far, so driving there would be ok... We got the call when the twins were 3 hours old. The birthparents had placed with the agency before so we were able to have some family history on the second day, and they called us because from what the birthmom said, it matched our criteria (no alcohol and no drugs), and the babies were premature but healthy. We really didn't have much info other than that though... but they do ask right away if there was some drugs and alcohol, even if it's not always accurate as they pretty much have to take the mom's word for it.

[jillanneb]

Wow, thank you so much everyone! Wonderful info and also lots of encouraging stories! It really helps to see how others have approached these situations.

I think we are on the same page with many of you about "baby born" situations being more ethical as far as less pressure on potential birth parents and also less risky as far as potential emotional turmoil for potential adoptive parents. So we are definitely trying to work through our fears of not having as much info, yet having to make a quick decision in situations like these.

leenie71 - Very good point about considering the level of openness in the adoption plan with not having built a prior relationship and trust. That isn't something we had thought about, but definitely something we'd need to consider.

Linny - I keep telling my DH the same thing you said about how, regardless of the length of the match, in many ways you are still making decisions based on a leap of faith that the available information is accurate. Again, I think his hesitation may go back to not having a prior relationship and the trust that would come with it.

Fran27 - I think our agency operates the same way, where we've already set out what we would or would not be comfortable with, and they would only share situations with us that meet those criteria (even in the instance of babies already born). We had said that we were open to discussing occasional alcohol or drug use, so I guess our only fear would be a "baby born" situation where that information wasn't known at the time it was offered (and then finding out later there was more than occasional drug exposure). But I guess the same could be true even in a longer match.

Another question, I hope you all don't mind. It seems like there would maybe be differences in the birth father involvement in "baby born" situations? For instance, if the adoption plan isn't made until after birth, then maybe he wouldn't have had time to weigh in on the decision or consider his options? Would there be more legal risk as far as birth father rights in a "baby born" situation?

Again, thank you so much. All of your advice is invaluable!

Jill

[Asha0314]

I was presented with a baby born situation with my now 2 year old. All I knew about the mother was age, race, no prenatal care, the baby was about 2 months premature in NICU but otherwise well. The father was unknown, which put it the situation into a risky category. I was not told of any drug exposure and didn't think to ask. She also requested a closed adoption. There were a lot of unknowns, yet I did not hesitate to say yes. I can't really say why, except that it felt right.

The part about the unknown father did worry me until the time period had elapsed for someone to come forward, which was about 2 months after I took her home.

I do know that if I had known there was any possibility that the child would have been special-needs, I would have had to decline, since I adopted as a single parent.

ETA: I don't know that unknowns birth-fathers (which are a legal risk situation) necessarily happens more often with baby-born situations, perhaps someone else knows better. In my case, I knew of the risk and it was one I just decided was worth taking. It paid off. Also, my daughter was behind in some milestones, but she's caught up in everything except alittle behind in talking and she's getting there slowly but surely!

[Linny]

In four of our infant adoptions (the other two were international infant adoptions)......there has never been a birthfather involvement. And, even with this, the birthfather still had 30 days to come forward and/or sign the putative father registry in that state.

Further, when considering 'getting to know the birthmother'....this was never an issue as we were never wanting a very open adoption. The most open we've ever been was a limited semi-open arrangement where we sent annual letter/photos for the first few years. We wouldn't have felt comfortable with an arrangement that was more open. With that in mind, having an in-depth relationship with a birthmom was never a part of our profile, etc...

Sincerely,

Linny

[aclee]

We were never given the choice to be open or not open to baby born situations...the agencies we worked with just called or e-mailed with every situation that matched our preferences to see if we wanted to be submitted. That worked great for us because it's really hard to make a yes no category with SO many possible senerios. We were open to a lot of things, but maybe we wouldn't be open to EVERYTHING together, and BF risk...you know? Or certain combos of things together, a baby born in CA (across the US from us) and higher fees...that kind of stuff. There is so much to weigh out that they took the very basics. Gender, Race, fee range, Yes/No drugs & alcohol, and if you fit or were close on all those, they called.

Tyler (and now Matty too) was a Baby Born. We were matched with both before parental rights were terminated though (which is what some people consider the big plus with baby born situations) We were in MO for a few days before TPR on Ty. Ty had an involved, and consenting bfather, where as Matty's bmom is not stating the bfather.

Every situation is different. I would try to keep your ranges as broad as possible, as long as your agency calls before they submit you. If it was a situation like Fran said where they submit you if you match based on your options, then it would be harder...but to hear and way the pros and cons of each one is good. You could end up matched with a Baby Born with bfather involvement that is driving distance away, and you would have missed that if said "no" to all Baby Born situaitons...know what I mean?

[jillanneb]

Thanks again everyone! I think we have decided to be open to baby born situations, just keeping in mind that it has to be the right situation for us. I'm sure it would be really hard to say no if something made us uncomfortable, but I'd rather deal with that then worry that "our baby" could be out there and we wouldn't even know!

Jill