[alinev]

I recently accepted a Facebook "friend" request from my boys (2) firstmom. Twenty minutes ago I checked her home page and I was completely taken aback to find photos of my boys, photos that I had emailed her, on her Facebook page, referencing them by name as her adopted sons. We changed our younger son's name and she references the name she had chosen. I am not angry, just oddly unsettled. I never post photos of myself, much less my kids on any forum so I was a bit surprised to say the least.

My intention is to gently let her know that I don't post photos and that I would appreciate her taking them down. Anyone else have this happen and how did it work out?

[npmom]

In your communication agreement- was there a mention of online sites and what was acceptable? I know t we have a very spelled out agreement including online postings...and we mutually agreed with our attorneys guidance to not allow public sites as a means to share personal information, and by doing so could make any future communication cease. I would be very cautious...but would seek counsel from your attorney first. Online sites are a new wave...and privacy laws, especially regarding adoption should be honored.

[startedover]

That would upset me also. I would just speak to her and let her know where you stand. YOUm THeir mother , don't post their pictures and you don't want anyone else to.

[mommy3]

If you don't have an agreement and her facebook account is just "for her friends" (realizing that can go far but still. . .) might you want to consider that she's just proud of them and wants to share them with her friends? Using her name for them allows her to honor them in her perspective perhaps, but also gives them anonymity. This may not be a very popular post, but maybe you can allow the photos, esp. b/c their names aren't even used and she's simply sharing the babies she gave birth to w/ her friends. My 2 cents. susan

[Nevada Jen]

I think it would be totally normal to to ask her to take them down if you don't post pics of your kids on line. I can't really tell if your problem is that she posted the photos at all or if your problem is that she claimed the kids as her own.

I post a lot of photos on line but I never post other people's kids photos without their permission and even with their permission I give them fake names.

[Magic_Hat]

I am in a similar situation right now. I googled my 3 month old son's birth mom, not really expecting to find much since she's young and claims she doesn't have internet access (we asked so that we could email her updates and pics). The first thing that came up was her My Space page which isn't set to private and there were all the pictures I had just mailed her. I was stunned and felt very weird at first. In the captions she calls the baby her son and says we are his adoptive family and I have no problem with that. I don't really mind that she posted pictues of him although I would like her site to be for her friends only, at least. I think I was concerned about privacy issues for my daughter who is in a couple of the group family shots and one with just her and the baby. And part of my issue is that she has some pretty explicit stuff written about herself and I wondered how my son would feel reading that stuff and then seeing his picture there. Of course, My Space may be long gone by the time this baby gets old enough to be online and maybe by then his bmom will mature enough to know what she wrote is not cute/sexy/hot/interesting and certainly won't ever help her get a job if an employer decides to google her...but she just turned 17 so she has some maturing to do.

I thought about talking to our SW at the agency but I have calmed down about it and decided to just see what she does with the next batch of pictures. I was thinking about just asking her to set her page to private at least. I don't want her to feel weird that we saw her page and I guess I would also be mad if she refused to set it to private and there's no way I could force that besides stopping sending pictures and I wouldn't do that.

And why would she lie about having internet access? I looked again just the other day and saw that she had logged onto her page just the day before, which was days after I first found her page. So she obviously gets online regularly somehow, even if she doesn't have access at home. This only bugs me because we could send her many more pictures and updates if we could do it via email and I would still be willing to send her hard copies the 4x/year that we agreed on. I don't get it.

Keep us posted on how you handle it and I'm interested to hear how others deal with this sort of thing.

[yehudit]

Hello,
I think you should be careful about this. I know you must have been a little freaked out, but she might be offended if you ask her to take down the pictures. Just because you don't post the pictures doesn't mean that she can't. After all, she's sharing with her friends. I don't mean to sound harsh, but what is it that bothers you? That might help clarify the proper response.

If it really bothers you, you can always "unfriend" her, but since she's your kids' birthmom I'd tread lightly no matter what you do.
Good luck,

[mommieof2cuties]

I second what Susan Said I think she should be able to post her pictures in a manner that is safe and healthy. She did have the baby under her heart for nine months and it will always be her baby deep down inside even if it some small way. Yes, you are the mom. But she and the baby will always have that bond since she had him growing within her. I think facebook is much safer than myspace but all sites have issues.

As for the mom who posted about the myspace account, maybe the mom didn't want to give you her email because it was too hard for her. Maybe having set dates when you send her stuff in the mail is easier for her to deal with?

[alinev]

Originally Posted by yehudit

Hello,
I think you should be careful about this. I know you must have been a little freaked out, but she might be offended if you ask her to take down the pictures. Just because you don't post the pictures doesn't mean that she can't. After all, she's sharing with her friends. I don't mean to sound harsh, but what is it that bothers you? That might help clarify the proper response.

If it really bothers you, you can always "unfriend" her, but since she's your kids' birthmom I'd tread lightly no matter what you do.
Good luck,

I think my primary issue is just the public nature of the photos. I know that Facebook is a widely accepted means of sharing but I will not be posting any of my own children's photos, much less anyone else's especially without permission. It just feels like a breach of my children's privacy - particularly because it mentions their adoption.

I am trying to reconcile her desire/need to show all of her children with my need to control who has access to their images.

Lastly, I am fairly certain that she is attempting to use the site for revenue generation (which I have no issue with -her business) which then makes me question how many "friends" will eventually have access to these photos and any new ones I send.

My brother, an ardent "Facebooker" suggested that I just gently tell her that we have a family policy against posting the kids pictures and ask her to remove them. Thoughts?

[jp4ga]

I have to disagree with several of the PP. It is NEVER alright to post pictures of kids without parent permission. The internet goes on forever, and these pictures can be copied and misused and even edited.

I am sure the bmom is proud of the kids and wants to show them off, but she can do that in person using a photo album, not online for the world to see. Many people do not set to private, and friends of friends can see photos. I know this is true because I looked at a friends wall saw an album of one of his friends that i am not friends with and I was able to pull the album up and look at the pictures. Once posted even if posted on a page set to private you can not be 100% sure that unknown people are not looking at the pictures.

I would ask her to not post the pictures in the future or ask her to only post the ones that you approve to be posted or only send pictures you don't mind have "out there" for the world to see.

It will be a hard conversation to have, but you need to have it if you really do not want photos of the child posted on line.

[Jillalan]

I'm an adoptee and a bmom. I feel you have every right to ask her not to post photos, regardless of whether her profile is set to private or public.

I don't know the bmom, whether she would see this as you being 'horrible', however I still believe it is your right.

There is the point of - when you send her photos they become hers to do with what she wishes. However, the safety of your children should and does come first.

In a perfect world she would see your reasons and remove them and not post more. We know this isn't a perfect world.

I hope she can understand and not be 'offended'.

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by jp4ga

I have to disagree with several of the PP. It is NEVER alright to post pictures of kids without parent permission. The internet goes on forever, and these pictures can be copied and misused and even edited.

I am sure the bmom is proud of the kids and wants to show them off, but she can do that in person using a photo album, not online for the world to see. Many people do not set to private, and friends of friends can see photos. I know this is true because I looked at a friends wall saw an album of one of his friends that i am not friends with and I was able to pull the album up and look at the pictures. Once posted even if posted on a page set to private you can not be 100% sure that unknown people are not looking at the pictures.

I would ask her to not post the pictures in the future or ask her to only post the ones that you approve to be posted or only send pictures you don't mind have "out there" for the world to see.

It will be a hard conversation to have, but you need to have it if you really do not want photos of the child posted on line.

ITA! It is unnacceptable for anyone to post pictures of your child without your knowledge and permission. My SIL recently posted pics of my son on FB and had no privacy settings set at all. She removed them the day I called. I see no problem whatsoever with you asking her to remove them.

[BlessedbySnuggs]

Originally Posted by devildogwife

ITA! It is unnacceptable for anyone to post pictures of your child without your knowledge and permission. My SIL recently posted pics of my son on FB and had no privacy settings set at all. She removed them the day I called. I see no problem whatsoever with you asking her to remove them.

Just wanted to second and third what the last couple of people have said. I would not be okay with anyone posting pictures of my child on an internet site without my permission. I definitely would talk to her and tell her how uncomfortable you are with her posting pictures of your children. I completely get where you are coming from.

[loveajax]

I agree with Debbie and DDW (because I don't post pix of DD on websites, and wouldn't feel comfortable if anyone else did). I think the question really should be do you feel comfortable with your kids' pix posted on any website? If the answer is no (and you would not allow other family members to do it), I think you can do what your bro suggests. Good luck!

PS: I am not on FB, but some of my friends said they are also changing the privacy policies to make things "less private" as a default measure (and a lot of people don't know...I don't understand FB at all so I don't know what that means or if it's true!).

[Emberbit]

I think you should first consider whether you would let *anyone* like your sister or your mother or your best friend post pictures of your child online. If the answer is "no" then explain that to her and ask her to remove them.

My daughter's parents have tons of pictures of her online. They have a public baby site and post her pictures on facebook and message boards and all over the place. My daughter's grandparents also post pictures of her. I generally do not but I do have 2 pictures of her on my face book. If I was asked to remove them, I would be upset. Because asking me to remove them would be because it was me not because it was online. Those pictures are online already anyway, you know?

However, if they never posted pictures online and just hadn't previously mentioned it to me, I'd be happy to take them down. This is all muddled, I guess but I see a distinct difference between a "no pictures of X online" rule and a "I don't want the b-mom to post pictures" rule.