[OnTheJourney]

OK, I have been wanting to post about this for quite sometime and WhirledPeas post in another thread got me wondering again.

I sometime feel I don't fit in with any group of moms!

My group of mom friends inherited from my DH's long time buddies (their wives) are all very mainstream type parents. Fast paced life-styles and convenience are priorities when making decisions. They cannot fathom why in this decade I would choose to put a cloth diaper on my child's tush. I am not knocking this style - it is just not my choice.

And then there are my friends I have made through my parenting choices, my business (sewing cloth diaper accessories) and other like groups I have become part of. I have sooo much more in common with them and enjoy the playgroups and social outings, but I usually feel on the outside there too. Most of these moms are AP style moms, and the conversation always turns to homebirths, midwives, dulas, breastfeeding, pregnancy...

I don't think I would consider myself a full fledged Attachment Parent style parent, more maybe Natural Parenting style. I cloth diaper and babywear. I garden and cook and sew and buy pre loved clothes and such. I chose natural products whenever possible, I make my own babyfood and I preserve my own garden veggies for use in the winter. I choose to be with my childern until they enter school at age 5 which means only parented programs if we decide to do any, no daycare... and so on.
I would have loved to breastfeed, but it is not possible for me. My childern go to sleep in their own beds, though if they wake up in the night they sleep with me. I did not give birth, and was not even at the hospital for either of my childern's birth.

I am not usually bothered by being my own person, but lately I am starting to wonder if I am all alone out there! My very mainstream cousin and the person who used to be my best friend has only seen and talked with me 2-3 times in the past year! We used to see each other a couple times a week or more. She has always made fun of moms who make the same choices I support and practice, and now that she sees it in me, I guess she feels we have nothing in common anymore. At the same time, if I pull out a bottle to feed my DD when I am at an AP or cloth diaper or babywearing group/outing, I can see judgmental eyes turn my way and someone always asks why I'm not breastfeeding and then everything else and it is obvious some don't get or support adoption.

Sorry this got long! Thank you if you made it to here!

I don't want to fit into a box most days, but some days it would sure be nice to just fit once, ya know.

It is hard enough to fit when you are an adoptive parent at any mom's group, but when you also make parenting and lifestyle choices that are against the main way of thinking...
Anyone get where I'm at?

[swd]

I'm right there with you! (Except I have a brown thumb...). I get a lot of eyes rolling when I have to change DS and need to go get the diaper bag instead of just borrowing a diaper from someone, or when I only have a washcloth to lend, not a wipe they can keep and toss.

Wearing is unheard of, and BF has never been mentioned, b/c even though several of my friends BF their kids (or wanted to), it'd be "gross" if I had BF my adopted son. (I couldn't anyway, but don't ever mention that I would have liked to have tried...)

I'm having a particularly tough time now, just waiting (after a YEAR) for the courts to catch up and finalize us. Conversation yesterday turned to "Did you christen/baptize your kids?" and I had to say that he's STILL not ours to name yet. I nearly cried, and no one knew what to say to that. UGH

[greenrobin]

I've been blessed with kids of the bio, foster and adoptive kind. And while there are differences in what I legally can and cannot do--like baptize--the kids are all just kids, albeit some with more issues than others!

And in the end, I am just a mom.

When my big kids were little kids, we had no extras. Therefore, I chose to make their clothing or get it second hand. I had a whomping big garden and I canned and froze and turned veggies into salsa and relish and soups. I made bread. I made babyfood. I kept a goat for milk! Heck--we had $50 for 2 weeks worth of groceries for a family of 5, so I had to do something. I used cloth diapers--which also means more laundry so more water use and more detergents into our ecosystem--but I digress. And, by the way, I wore our babies in makeshift slings because they didn't sell them back then.

Now my big kids are in their 20s. I am a teacher now. I no longer need to sew (which I didn't enjoy much and happily gave up). I still garden, but not with the same sense of urgency that I used to have. I can afford to buy new, but choose to continue being frugal. Cloth diapers had to go the way of the dinosaur for us because our newer babies went to daycare and daycare won't do cloth. We do, however, still hang our clothes out to dry all year long.

I guess what I'm saying is that we all make choices. The best choices are those that are made consciously. And, regardless of the choices of others, we are only responsible for what we do. So, while your friends don't choose the same path you do, that does not make them any less aware than you. They probably have their reasons as well. And it's okay for them to be different. Rude and eye rolling? Nope. Different, yes. I'd call them on that eye rolling thing--they might not even know they're doing it.

As far as natural and attachment parenting? Frankly, I'd never heard those terms until I started fostering 2 years ago. All I knew was how to get a kid to willingly love me.

The bottom line, I suppose, is this: is your parenting experience making you and your kids feel loved, happy and fulfilled? If the answer is yes, then keep doing what you're doing.

And don't concern yourself with what other people think!

[Stormster]

I doubt any adoptive parent fits strictly into the AP category! I did not even try (might do it differently knowing what I know now btw) but have situations at every single playdate where I feel awkward about one conversation or another.

Not only do we all have our adoption related "differences" but I'm sure as mother's we all have our "quirks" and things we do out of convenience and/or to suit the needs of our particular children.

Personally the mother's I admire most take a variety of approaches and see child rearing as a creative "journey" rather than a restricted series of "must do's"

Believe me I did NOT expect to have my kid on a harness out in public but you know what? I'ts a MUST. To me if it keeps my kid safe/healthy and happy then whatever works, kwim?

I want to add I don't fit in either: combine the harness with my constant hands on being with my son and throw in yes we vax, no we don't do time outs, yes we are still on the bottle etc etc just a mish mosh!

I think you fit in with 95 percent of us moms who are doing the best we can for our kids despite not falling into a category and 99.999999 percent of moms who think they could probably be doing better!

[portlowski]

I think no matter where you are or how you are parenting, you will sometimes struggle with feeling like you "don't fit in" with other parents. I have friends who are complete AP types...homebirths, cloth diapers, breastfeed kids to the age of 3, home vegetable gardening vegetarians who don't own a TV or shop in big box stores and are Buddhists...then I have friends who dress their kids from head to toe in Disney duds, formula-fed all the way, watch tons of TV, wear disposable diapers and eat mac and cheese 3 times a day. You know what? They are all great kids. Their parents love them and are looking out for them and listen to them and put their education and safety at the top of their priority list.

I fall somewhere in between...did cloth diapers til he grew out of them then went to disposable thinking that he'll start potty training soon (boy, was I wrong!). I feel all virtuous that he eats organic food and has never had a hot dog, but I let him drink way too much juice. I take pride in the fact that we don't let him cry it out and I wore him til he was almost 2...but I have been known to yell like a banshee when he does something naughty. I am happy that I am his primary caretaker and do lots of creative activities with him, but sometimes I plop him in front of the TV for an hour of Sesame Street so I can have some alone time.

One thing I can assure you is that pretty soon all the emphasis will be off of birthing babies and even more on parenting. Once you child is a toddler, there will be much less concern about whether you birthed him in a kiddie pool in your living room or adopted him.

Good luck and know you are not alone in this struggle!

[meghann]

This: "Personally the mother's I admire most take a variety of approaches and see child rearing as a creative "journey" rather than a restricted series of "must do's"."

Bears repeating. Over & over.

What you described, Journey, is pretty much exactly me. Except the preserving from the garden. I'm just getting my garden going. So I do farmer's markets instead. (See how we can have a ton in common in our style but still do things slightly differently? )

My cousin is a full-fledged AP type. As is one of my close friends in the neighbourhood. I've never felt judged by either of them because I don't nurse. I guess I'm lucky.

Honestly? I think parents spend way too much time judging other parents' choices. It's like people feel validated if they can convince other people that the way they do things is the "right" way. There's no "right" way. It sounds like you're doing things in a way that is comfortable for you. Anyone who judges you for not doing things *exactly* the same way you do isn't worth worrying about, IMHO.

[Whirled_Peas]

I use the term "AP" because people know what it means. However, I've been advocating the parenting choices that are considered AP since long before the term came into use. Not because of a fad, but because they work for me. There is also a lot of mainstream medical research that now shows how well babies/children do with AP style parenting.

I know what the op means about sitting around a group of crunchy moms and listening to their homebirth stories. And my reason for not birthing my bioson at home was I risked out. Yet I still feel "less than" sometimes. Not because of the other moms, but because of me. It is something I always wanted and can never have. Frankly, the other moms LOVE my adoption story. Sitting under a tree, getting the call, and oh, by the way, we sent the letter to the obstetrician 5 days before she called. And yes, she does look exactly at me at that age.

I know about the judgmentalness about bottle feeding because I am the one who is judgmental. (I am currently nursing both my bio 3 year old and my adopted daughter.) It is a reflection on me that I am so judgmental. And every time I've been judgmental, I've heard a sad story. Recently that her baby has a metabolic disorder where she must limit how much breastmilk her son eats each day because he cannot digest fats. It could kill/permanently injure him if he drank too much breastmilk. Didn't I feel stupid for my eye rolling. Serves me right.

All the moms I hang out with are super-crunchy. They are all supportive of my adoption process. If they weren't, the problem would be theirs, not mine.

There is a forum for us crunchy moms, MotheringDotCommunity Forums - Powered by vBulletin. There is a specific adoptive/foster parent community. I used to warn people they did a lot of flaming. However, in the last year or so I see that that has changed. I think the flamers went away.They also have a section on "find your tribe." I'm sure there's even a tribe for adoptive mothers who can their homegrown food and shave their armpits but not their legs. If there's not, there should be. (LOL) Anyway, there are also tribes based on geography. There is a playgroup in my city that met via this forum. We get together several times a week, sometimes. Some of my son's best friends are through this playgroup. Perhaps some of the crunchy mamas here would find connections there.

[momraine]

I am with you guys. When I was pregnant with my first bio, I received several books on parenting. I was amazed to realize that some of them completely contradicted the others and some outright critisized the others. So I chose to just be my children's parent. I did BF my bios, one longer than the other. I used cloth diapers on them, but by the time I brought home my dd, I was on the go, youth director, Bible study teacher, etc. So we did disposable diapers and bottles. My youngest came home at 6 so no diapers or bottles there. My parenting style has always been a mix of what works and what doesn't. I did the making my own babyfood and I didn't have a sling, but I carried my babies a lot and I had the front carrier too. They went to sleep in thier own bed. Bassinet next to my bed for the first two, but slept with me if they woke up during the night. I learned along the way that each child is different and had different needs. I had to find a parenting style that worked for me and my personality and dh and our kids, none of those so called experts know us so they don't know what is best for us. Right now I am again on the outside of two parenting groups because I am homeschooling one and have three in public school. I have homeschooling parents shocked that I have kids in public school and no accepting me into thier group, and then I have school parents who think I am a traitor to the school for pulling my child out. Add to the mix a child with RAD who is an angel in front of other people, but who has serious issues and so needs a tight reign and it's interesting.

[jennlk]

(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

I just have to say kudos to you and all the reponses that I've read that have been so spot on. Parenting is so unique and personal to each person and family - heck, even my dh and I have different parenting styles!

I don't like to classify myself as belonging to one group or another. In HS, I was the kid who had friends in every group, yet never quite fit in to just one and I liked it that way. I had lots of different kinds of friends and I'm still that way, though my circle of friends has dwindled a bit.

I would say that personally, I've looked into cloth diapers, but have my own opinions on them even though I don't like the fact that disposables obviously have their own detriments. I made my bio dd's babyfood, I bf her for several weeks until for some reason my milk dried up, I didn't co-sleep unless I was tired, and my dd still watches too much tv. But, she's 7 years now and a very happy, loving child. We have limits, she has chores, and we're still learning! I'm not perfect by any means, and neither is my dh, but we learn from our mistakes and that makes us better parents. We learned SO MUCH from the 3 precious babies we fostered this past year.

As for not fitting in with other parents, I would bet they each feel they don't necessarily fit in either. I know I don't. Most of my friends are done having children or are fertile myrtles and we only have 1 child. I say "only" because where we live, most families have 3+ children and I don't feel I can "complain" about not having enough time or energy to do things because I "only" have 1 child (for now anyway ). So, I feel for you, but you are not alone, we all have our own issues!

[momraine]

We could start our own club, eclectic parents, doing what is right for our own families. We could write a book and then look down on parents who only follow one method, LOL. JK.

[KarenInCa]

I've always thought of us as a subcategory of a subcategory of parents.....which has it's own subcategories...
DH and I are parents, of an adopted child, from China.
There's a community of IA APs, but because all IA children from China are in vastly different situations before adoption, there are so many different needs of our children.
We had to revert our daughter back to babyhood at 16 months old, when we adopted her, because she was already being primed for being a "big sister" for the "babies" in the orphanage. We do and have done certain things with her not necessarily because we would have with a bio child, but because these things are what she seems to have needed, being adopted, and adopted from an orphanage setting, and as a toddler.
From 16 months to 2.5 yrs old, we bottle fed her in a rocking chair. We co-slept with her, and although she now has her own bedroom and bed, she also has a bed in our bedroom and usually sleeps there (so in a way, still co-sleeping). And there are other things that Im sure we do that we might not have done with a bio child. We believe in gardens, and organic foods, but she sometimes gets processed foods at 4.5 yrs old. It's not the end of the world, and we don't practice these things religiously. It's just good for her to know about gardens and good foods so she does.
Even within the adoption community for IA, there are many differences. Many IA APs want to take their children off the bottle ASAP, because the child is usually a toddler by the time they're adopted, and others think as us, that the child needs time to bond and just be a "baby" after adoption.
As for fitting in....yeah. We don't really either. We live in a community where there are a lot of Chinese Americans. Chinese have their own ways of dealing with babyhood, customs and beliefs. So, we have a daughter who has some sensory sensitivity from being in an orphanage for 16 months, who sometimes to outsiders looks like I still baby her because of this, who's heritage is from China, but really is being raised by two caucasians. We're learning but we don't practice Chinese tradition as much as some of her classmates. And who, obviously is adopted, which brings on it's own flavors and challenges with friends and relatives.
It's all so complicated, but it also is exactly what makes us a family. My daughter is happy, and thriving, and is a socialite. So we must be doing something right.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by KarenInCa

I've always thought of us as a subcategory of a subcategory of parents.....which has it's own subcategories...
DH and I are parents, of an adopted child, from China.
There's a community of IA APs, but because all IA children from China are in vastly different situations before adoption, there are so many different needs of our children.
We had to revert our daughter back to babyhood at 16 months old, when we adopted her, because she was already being primed for being a "big sister" for the "babies" in the orphanage. We do and have done certain things with her not necessarily because we would have with a bio child, but because these things are what she seems to have needed, being adopted, and adopted from an orphanage setting, and as a toddler.
From 16 months to 2.5 yrs old, we bottle fed her in a rocking chair. We co-slept with her, and although she now has her own bedroom and bed, she also has a bed in our bedroom and usually sleeps there (so in a way, still co-sleeping). And there are other things that Im sure we do that we might not have done with a bio child. We believe in gardens, and organic foods, but she sometimes gets processed foods at 4.5 yrs old. It's not the end of the world, and we don't practice these things religiously. It's just good for her to know about gardens and good foods so she does.
Even within the adoption community for IA, there are many differences. Many IA APs want to take their children off the bottle ASAP, because the child is usually a toddler by the time they're adopted, and others think as us, that the child needs time to bond and just be a "baby" after adoption.
As for fitting in....yeah. We don't really either. We live in a community where there are a lot of Chinese Americans. Chinese have their own ways of dealing with babyhood, customs and beliefs. So, we have a daughter who has some sensory sensitivity from being in an orphanage for 16 months, who sometimes to outsiders looks like I still baby her because of this, who's heritage is from China, but really is being raised by two caucasians. We're learning but we don't practice Chinese tradition as much as some of her classmates. And who, obviously is adopted, which brings on it's own flavors and challenges with friends and relatives.
It's all so complicated, but it also is exactly what makes us a family. My daughter is happy, and thriving, and is a socialite. So we must be doing something right.

Good for you for doing whatever it takes! You really inspire me!

[mommy3]

This thread has been great to read, recognizing in me how many different "tribes" I fit into. Clearly, we judge ourselves and feel judged all too easily -- and if we focus, can find a place of comfort regardless. For me, venting and asking questions, reading other moms' ideas about how to move forward on various issues have become my therapy. It's saved a lot on psychologist bills, ha.

I totally agree that many of us would never fit in a single, succinct group of moms. I really don't. I'm a much older mom of three, one bio and two adopted children who span 20 years. I had my oldest in my late thirties as a single mom on purpose. I work full time outside of our home. I'm married to someone 20 years younger than me. If I get too focused on who I'm not, I end up marginalized right away. I'm always with women who are 10-30 years younger than me and am amazed how much we have in common and how much we don't! I've decided since I wanted to continue growing my family and also because I want to not "just give up" anytime, I try my best to stay in shape so I'll give my chlidren the best chance of being with them, and my dh, a long time.

Even though I feel strong in who I am, If I listen too closely to what some say about "Oh, I'd never want to have a child after 35" or "I'd never 'give up' my child" or "Who'd ever use disposable diapers?", I can get a little crazy. I've had to settle on what I feel is right for us, do lots of research when I make a choice and move on. I stayed home for about 10 mos to a year when each child was born, enjoyed attachment parenting (my version) and breastfed my oldest until 2.5 years, although breastfeeding my two children who were adopted didn't work out as I'd hoped.

All this is to say that if we're thinking, caring, intentional parents, we each find that group of parenting choices that may not be the easiest but are right for us, our children and our families. The most important part for me is being intentional about my choices -- and then not explaining it all to anyone but my best friends. I've lost a few friends along the way (and strained my relationship with my own mom) because I wasn't willing to take their recommendations, but I suppose I was willing to take those risks. What a path we travel, huh? susan

[aclee]

Originally Posted by OnTheJourney

OK, I have been wanting to post about this for quite sometime and WhirledPeas post in another thread got me wondering again.

I sometime feel I don't fit in with any group of moms!

My group of mom friends inherited from my DH's long time buddies (their wives) are all very mainstream type parents. Fast paced life-styles and convenience are priorities when making decisions. They cannot fathom why in this decade I would choose to put a cloth diaper on my child's tush. I am not knocking this style - it is just not my choice.

And then there are my friends I have made through my parenting choices, my business (sewing cloth diaper accessories) and other like groups I have become part of. I have sooo much more in common with them and enjoy the playgroups and social outings, but I usually feel on the outside there too. Most of these moms are AP style moms, and the conversation always turns to homebirths, midwives, dulas, breastfeeding, pregnancy...

I don't think I would consider myself a full fledged Attachment Parent style parent, more maybe Natural Parenting style. I cloth diaper and babywear. I garden and cook and sew and buy pre loved clothes and such. I chose natural products whenever possible, I make my own babyfood and I preserve my own garden veggies for use in the winter. I choose to be with my childern until they enter school at age 5 which means only parented programs if we decide to do any, no daycare... and so on.
I would have loved to breastfeed, but it is not possible for me. My childern go to sleep in their own beds, though if they wake up in the night they sleep with me. I did not give birth, and was not even at the hospital for either of my childern's birth.

I am not usually bothered by being my own person, but lately I am starting to wonder if I am all alone out there! My very mainstream cousin and the person who used to be my best friend has only seen and talked with me 2-3 times in the past year! We used to see each other a couple times a week or more. She has always made fun of moms who make the same choices I support and practice, and now that she sees it in me, I guess she feels we have nothing in common anymore. At the same time, if I pull out a bottle to feed my DD when I am at an AP or cloth diaper or babywearing group/outing, I can see judgmental eyes turn my way and someone always asks why I'm not breastfeeding and then everything else and it is obvious some don't get or support adoption.

Sorry this got long! Thank you if you made it to here!

I don't want to fit into a box most days, but some days it would sure be nice to just fit once, ya know.

It is hard enough to fit when you are an adoptive parent at any mom's group, but when you also make parenting and lifestyle choices that are against the main way of thinking...
Anyone get where I'm at?

I don't know, but you and I can start our own group! I'm a cloth diapering momma who makes her own baby food, and grows some food, and a few other "crunchy" (if you will) things. I wore Tyler some, but he wasn't velcro'd to me 24/7...he had his own sleeping space etc...

I guess I just look at parenting less as "Pick One" and more at "Pick Your Own" I belong to a variety of forums and sometimes I think the people in them are insane...I take what I need, and leave the rest. I ask the questions I want answered so I can parent the way I want to, and try to keep my snarky comments about the extremists on either side to myself (or at least only DH) There are Mom's who use cloth diapers who have children who have NEVER worn a disposable diaper...Kudos to them. When my kid is sick and is pooping every 20 minutes and it's running onto the floor, he's wearing a disposable. In their eyes, that might make ME lazy. In my life, only the way DH and I feel really counts.

[Whirled_Peas]

Originally Posted by aclee

When my kid is sick and is pooping every 20 minutes and it's running onto the floor, he's wearing a disposable. In their eyes, that might make ME lazy.

We do elimination communication, so my babies held their poops until I would take them to the toilet. They started doing that when they were 2 and 3 months. Babies without poopie diapers are great. However, when my son had really bad diarrhea, we resorted to disposables. Even if I'd wanted to use the cotton trainers we normally used, it was the middle of winter, we didn't own a dryer, and our floor heating was broke so I couldn't even dry the underwear on that. It was if the Universe were saying, "Though Shalt use Disposable Diapers." Man was I shocked at the price or 7th Generation diapers.