[Justinraysmommy]

Ok so I'm 25 and I'm adopting from a very close friend of mine. His ex got pregnant and nethier of them are able to keep this little boy. Well the baby will be born in a few days and I have power of Attorney over the baby till my adoption goes through wich could take up to 3 months. So my question is will the baby bond with me right away being I didn't carry him? I am nervous about bringing him home from the hospital and him being fussy like does he know his mommy from being in the whom? Will he be fussy and how long will it take for him to bond with me? I know it will be hard being single mom but I really am happy about this all. I love this baby with all my heart and he's my life. I am blessed that God gave me this chance to be mom. So any advice is there anything I shouold be doing to get him to bond with me?

[KarenInCa]

Our daughter was 16 months old when we adopted her, and we had not met her prior to the adoption. She grieved the first couple of nights, but survival mode kicked in after the first hour with us, and she adjusted rapidly.
Some babies are fussy and some are not. It depends on the baby's personality and if he's colicky. I don't personally think being fussy is a sign that he does not like you or is not bonding with you.
Bonding is something that happens over time, IMO. The child latches on to anyone who feeds and takes care of it, and nurtures it. Bonding happens after the same person does that, time and time again for the child. As for what will help the bonding; giving him a bottle with close eye to eye contact. Holding him in your lap facing you and cooing at him, rocking him, touching him, and stroking his skin often will both soothe him and allow bonding.

[Whirled_Peas]

I started nursing our adopted daughter at 6 hours. I saw no difference in how she interacted with me compared to how my bio-son interacted me. I'm not saying she didn't grieve her birthmom, I just didn't see it.

Part of this may be because of how we raise our babies. I wore her in a sling most of the time. See TheBabyWearer.com We co-sleep, which is what babies want and need (the 5 member pediatric committee that released the APA statement on co-sleeping had at least one member with ties to the mattress industry. See James McKenna for good research on the safety and benefits of co-sleeping. Cosleeping.org - Information about co-sleeping - the family bed) All the research shows that the more you hold a baby, the less they will fuss. I take pride in the fact that I never used a swing with either of my kids. The only time they sat in bouncey chairs was when I went to the bathroom.

How you treat your baby will have a HUGE effect on how your baby acts. Since this is your first baby, I highly recommend "The Baby Book" by Sears. Amazon.com: The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two (Revised and Updated Edition): William Sears, Martha Sears, Robert Sears, James Sears: Books It will answer almost every question you have about babies and toddlers. (I am a neonatal RN and it answered questions that I had.)

If you would like to adoptive nurse, you can get more information at Ask Lenore ~ Home Page. It might be too late for you to get donor breastmilk right away, but you might be able to at Donation. You can use a lactaid Welcome to Lact-Aid International, Inc. to feed your baby either formula or donor breastmilk. Your baby will get all the bonding benefits of nursing whether you work at establishing your own milk supply or not.

Also, since you are having a boy, be aware that the intense pain of circumcision can have negative effects on bonding. This is an unnecessary procedure that has long term negative effects on sex, has many risks involved, and does not allow the boy to choose how his own body will look. Here are some good resources: TCAC Forum Resources: Parenting information, commonly asked questions, and web resources - MotheringDotCommunity Forums

Congratulations and good luck

[ourdreamcametru]

We were in the room for our daughter's birth and I was the first person to hold her. We also have two bio boys and I have never noticed any difference in bonding between bio or adopted. My husband and I and our sons all bonded with our daughter the minute she was born and she did the same as far as we can tell. Just relax because babies can sense when your uptight and tense and this will make your son uptight and tense as well. Good luck and can't wait to see pics!

[mommy3]

I was a single mom with my first child -- single on purpose like you, although I gave birth. We were and still are very close. There is a special bond, I think, btw good moms and their children when it's just you two. My next two (after several miscarriages) were born to us through adoption -- I was the first to hold my ds and shared hospital care with my littlest dd with her birthmom. I am and have been just as bonded with my younger two since their births. Yes, infants do cry and I do believe there are changes/losses when a child leaves their birthmoms at birth, but you won't be exhausted from the birth and you are also soooo ready to be a mom. I truly believe those additional factors make a huge difference. You'll be there for your child and will be a good mom b/c that's your plan. Best wishes, susan

[nurse_reedle]

Originally Posted by Whirled_Peas

I started nursing our adopted daughter at 6 hours. I saw no difference in how she interacted with me compared to how my bio-son interacted me. I'm not saying she didn't grieve her birthmom, I just didn't see it.

Part of this may be because of how we raise our babies. I wore her in a sling most of the time. See TheBabyWearer.com We co-sleep, which is what babies want and need (the 5 member pediatric committee that released the APA statement on co-sleeping had at least one member with ties to the mattress industry. See James McKenna for good research on the safety and benefits of co-sleeping. Cosleeping.org - Information about co-sleeping - the family bed) All the research shows that the more you hold a baby, the less they will fuss. I take pride in the fact that I never used a swing with either of my kids. The only time they sat in bouncey chairs was when I went to the bathroom.

How you treat your baby will have a HUGE effect on how your baby acts. Since this is your first baby, I highly recommend "The Baby Book" by Sears. Amazon.com: The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two (Revised and Updated Edition): William Sears, Martha Sears, Robert Sears, James Sears: Books It will answer almost every question you have about babies and toddlers. (I am a neonatal RN and it answered questions that I had.)

If you would like to adoptive nurse, you can get more information at Ask Lenore ~ Home Page. It might be too late for you to get donor breastmilk right away, but you might be able to at Donation. You can use a lactaid Welcome to Lact-Aid International, Inc. to feed your baby either formula or donor breastmilk. Your baby will get all the bonding benefits of nursing whether you work at establishing your own milk supply or not.

Also, since you are having a boy, be aware that the intense pain of circumcision can have negative effects on bonding. This is an unnecessary procedure that has long term negative effects on sex, has many risks involved, and does not allow the boy to choose how his own body will look. Here are some good resources: TCAC Forum Resources: Parenting information, commonly asked questions, and web resources - MotheringDotCommunity Forums

Congratulations and good luck

Awesome post with fantastic links!!!! I was going to post this stuff myself!! Only my baby was 7,5 months old when he came home.

[mommy3]

Ohhhh, and I totally agree regarding "wearing your baby" -- attachment parenting. No matter how your baby comes to you, this is essential, I think, and even moreso when you adopt. I add another aspect that I think is also important -- I didn't use car seats to carry my children around; instead, I leave the car seat in the car and pick my children up and hold them, using either a sling, Bjorn or stroller. Yes, your baby wakes up sometimes but this is far preferred to your child sleeping alone in a plastic container. My 2 cents. . . susan

[Justinraysmommy]

Well there is so many post to reply to so i'll do one. Thank you all for your advice and sharing your stories. This really helped and sheaded some light on the whole adoption/newborn thing. I will forsure post pictures in a few days when hes born. I can't wait to share them with you all. Yeah the circumsion my nephews went through that and they were cranky..

[mommieof2cuties]

Susan and the others shared baby wearing, huge HUGE on this! I leave my carseat in the car! We also do fostercare, and this is how the babies we get bond with us, the point is to make the baby feel safe, meet all his needs. It is not about us as parents Get the last few nights of sleep you can, because it will be the last you will have for at least six weeks since you are single! Also make sure you have support, and use support system in place, when you don't have someone else to count on and you have to count on yourself, you need that alone time. As soon as you can get the baby on a schedule so that you can have some alone time even if it is 15 mins a day to relax and take a shower, you will need it! You cannot be a good parent if you don't take care of yourself also! I wish you luck

[yehudit]

Whirled_Peas gave some good information, but please know that you don't have to do everything to bond with your baby. Sometimes as moms we get so caught up in doing everything "right" that we put too much pressure on ourselves and we're not able to function. For example, we were not able to co-sleep with thing 1. He would just get excited and thrash around, and no one got any sleep. Take what you can, but please don't feel like you have to do everything. And that goes for the rest of parenting, too.

With thing 2 (adopted), bonding was similar as it was with thing 1 (bio). I did sleep with her and tried to carry her as much as possible, but it just felt natural to do those things. You may be surpirsed when your own instincts kick in -- they can be very powerful.

Congratulations and good luck!!

[Fran27]

Originally Posted by yehudit

Whirled_Peas gave some good information, but please know that you don't have to do everything to bond with your baby. Sometimes as moms we get so caught up in doing everything "right" that we put too much pressure on ourselves and we're not able to function. For example, we were not able to co-sleep with thing 1. He would just get excited and thrash around, and no one got any sleep. Take what you can, but please don't feel like you have to do everything. And that goes for the rest of parenting, too.

I can't emphasize this enough!!! Honestly I can say that reading online forums has made me feel awful at times! You don't have to be the 'perfect' mom for your children to be happy and trust you.

In my case we adopted twins that were preemes so they had to spend 2 weeks in the hospital at birth, and it was 2 hours away so we were only able to visit 1-2 hours a day also... then I was alone with them at home most days, so obviously there was no way for me to do baby wearing alone (we did swaddling and used pacifiers the first four months and they rarely fussed). We didn't do co-sleeping (don't think it's safe, but that's my opinion), we've done CIO and I don't play with my kids all the time yet they are very bonded to me.

IMO babies just naturally bond to the person who cares for them. Some fuss more than others, but it doesn't have much to do with bonding and happens with bio children just as much... If you read 'the happiest baby on the block' they will tell you that it's because they miss the womb, that's why swaddling (or baby wearing), pacifiers, movement and white noise often works to calm them down.

[BlessedbySnuggs]

Originally Posted by Fran27

I can't emphasize this enough!!! Honestly I can say that reading online forums has made me feel awful at times! You don't have to be the 'perfect' mom for your children to be happy and trust you.

In my case we adopted twins that were preemes so they had to spend 2 weeks in the hospital at birth, and it was 2 hours away so we were only able to visit 1-2 hours a day also... then I was alone with them at home most days, so obviously there was no way for me to do baby wearing alone (we did swaddling and used pacifiers the first four months and they rarely fussed). We didn't do co-sleeping (don't think it's safe, but that's my opinion), we've done CIO and I don't play with my kids all the time yet they are very bonded to me.

IMO babies just naturally bond to the person who cares for them. Some fuss more than others, but it doesn't have much to do with bonding and happens with bio children just as much... If you read 'the happiest baby on the block' they will tell you that it's because they miss the womb, that's why swaddling (or baby wearing), pacifiers, movement and white noise often works to calm them down.

Yes, I agree with this as well. We tend to put so much pressure on ourselves as parents, that we sometimes just forget to enjoy our children and enjoy being parents...love them and care for them, and everything seems to just work out.

Spend lots of quality time with your children when they are AWAKE, that to me, is key. Co-sleeping is dangerous, some people will argue with me on that and that is fine, but the professionals, meaning people smarter than me (haha) (doctors, physicans, etc...) will agree that cribs are where children are safest. Children can die (and have) from suffocation from co-sleeping. I am sure there are safer ways to do it, but just make sure you read all the research and do whats best for you and your child.

Dangers of Co-Sleeping: Why Parents Should Not Bring Their Babies Into Their Bed | Suite101.com


Good luck to you!

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by BlessedbySnuggs

Children can die (and have) from suffocation from co-sleeping. I am sure there are safer ways to do it, but just make sure you read all the research and do whats best for you and your child.

Dangers of Co-Sleeping: Why Parents Should Not Bring Their Babies Into Their Bed | Suite101.com


Good luck to you!

I have gone back and forth on my feelings on Co-sleeping. My wife and I decided NOT to do it yet others have been forcing the idea of it being Safest. I agree in doing what is right for you and YOUR child.

[nurse_reedle]

Originally Posted by BlessedbySnuggs

Spend lots of quality time with your children when they are AWAKE, that to me, is key. Co-sleeping is dangerous, some people will argue with me on that and that is fine, but the professionals, meaning people smarter than me (haha) (doctors, physicans, etc...) will agree that cribs are where children are safest. Children can die (and have) from suffocation from co-sleeping. I am sure there are safer ways to do it, but just make sure you read all the research and do whats best for you and your child.

Dangers of Co-Sleeping: Why Parents Should Not Bring Their Babies Into Their Bed | Suite101.com


Good luck to you!

Kids die in cribs too. Actually, I don't personally know a *single* baby that has died from co-sleeping, yet I personally know several that have died in their cribs/bassinets. You can co-sleep unsafely, but you can also co-cleep very, very safely. It is a personal decision, and not one that people should fear monger anyone into. There is a lot of safety information that is for co-sleeping as well...just depends on where you look.

[BlessedbySnuggs]

Originally Posted by nurse_reedle

Kids die in cribs too. Actually, I don't personally know a *single* baby that has died from co-sleeping, yet I personally know several that have died in their cribs/bassinets. You can co-sleep unsafely, but you can also co-cleep very, very safely. It is a personal decision, and not one that people should fear monger anyone into. There is a lot of safety information that is for co-sleeping as well...just depends on where you look.

yes, I understand that kids can die in cribs too. I personally don't know anyone who has died from co-sleeping either, of course, I don't know anyone who co-sleeps with their kids. My pediatrician does know someone who has lost a child through co-sleeping, and doesn't recommend it to anyone (the parents have to live with that guilt for the rest of their lives). That's why I said, it was a personal choice, however; I don't think one that should be taken lightly. Again, thats why most professionals recommend cribs as the safest place where babies should sleep. Now that is just a fact...I know there is one person out of a hundred that will argue that, but the professionals agree, and that's what information I take to heart (people that are more educated than myself...the experts).

ETA: I am sorry to hear that you know several people that have lost their babies due to crib/bassinets deaths. That would be horrible. Thank God, I do not know anyone who has lost their child that way....that would be just awful.