[jennlk]

First, thank you all again for the warm welcome! I'm excited to have found a great group to help us through this time.

Second, since we were just matched and everything is still so new, we've been wary of telling people. Our friends and family have watched us go through 2 failed foster placements and seen our hearts broken over three precious children. We don't want to get their hopes up, but we can't do this alone. So, we decided to tell our immediate family and just a couple of family friends, all of whom have been very suppotive of this match.

My question is, for those that have had open adoptions, if and when did you introduce the Bmom to the family? Our bmom seems very cautious, but open to us growing our relationship. Our dd's b-day is coming up in 6 weeks and dh and I have thought about inviting bmom to the party. We'd leave it up to her to decide, but I don't want to overwhelm her either. Is that too soon to introduce her to everyone we know? I know I would be overwhelmed, but we also want her to feel welcome and part of the family because we already view her as extended family. I know that sounds idealistic, but she's made it clear too that she wants that kind of relationship. Oh, and we've already told everyone that if she does come to not bombard her with questions and treat her like a anyone else. Ok, now I'm just rambling, but any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!

[TxMom65]

Is this the bmom of your dd or the expectant mom of your possible new child?

I don't have an open adoption, but if it were me I would do no introducing until the child were placed and had been through a few visits. I would ask the bmom would she rather have intimate settings, like maybe coffee with the grandparents, or a party where she can mingle.

Each situation is different and you have to find your way and she has to find hers. Others will have different experiences and opinions. Best wishes.

[waitingforanangel]

I think that it is a wonderful idea that you have, however, I would not introduce the birthmother to the family until the placement has taken place. You may want to arrange some meetings with her alone, but I would keep these at regular intervals as well.

I think that your intentions are wonderful and the birthmother is very fortunate to have found someone as caring as you. After the placement, this would be fine. Just try to wait it out to see how things go, and grow your relationship in the meantime through periodic meetings with her. Just make sure that she is comfortable with whatever you plan.

Congratulations again!

[jennlk]

Thanks for the input. I guess I should have stated that the bmom is the mom our expected child, so I guess she's actually the emom. Our dd is our bio child, sorry for the confusion on that.

Waiting is probably the best idea as far as family goes. One other question - emom wants to meet our dd. Part of me wants to wait, should we decide to wait for her to meet family. Other part of me wants to make the intro so our dd has a connection as well; but I don't want to hurt her either should this fail for some reason.

[Whirled_Peas]

We are slowly getting to know our baby's birthmom. Our baby is 11 months and we just met with the birthmom for the 3rd time today. I have only recently shared her first name with my parents. Part of the slowness is she originally thought she wanted a closed adoption. Over time, she has initiated some contact with us. When she said I could start sending her updates on the baby, I started emailing her once a month. Slowly our relationship is growing. I'm grateful for this because I think it is better for all of us. Kind of like a relationship that starts out as a friendship then moves on to romance. Much healthier than a whirlwind romance and marriage after a long weekend.

Each person is different and how much contact they want will vary. However, it seems the thing to remember is you don't have a birthmom yet, you have an expectant mom who is planning on placing with you. She's got a whole lot of hard times ahead of her. It could help her to know that the baby will be in such a happy extended family. It could also make it harder for her to choose to parent if she has so many people she thinks she will disappoint. As much as you want a baby, I can't imagine you would want her to relinquish due to social pressure (and I've heard of that happening) rather than from her own inner voice.

So as easy as it is to want to pull her into your life, I'd recommend going slowly. If she places with you, you've got plenty of time to bring her into your world.

[Whirled_Peas]

Originally Posted by jennlk

One other question - emom wants to meet our dd. Part of me wants to wait, should we decide to wait for her to meet family. Other part of me wants to make the intro so our dd has a connection as well; but I don't want to hurt her either should this fail for some reason.

You must have posted this while I was responding to your other question.

How old is your daughter?

I think it's probably important to the emom to meet your daughter. She may want to meet your daughter to get a sense of your parenting style or to be reassured or something. I doubt that building a connection is a high priority at this time.

Our son was 31 months when we were matched with a just born baby. We hadn't told him of our plans to adopt because we had no idea if/when we would be matched. We didn't want him to live in a state of uncertainty, especially given how young he was.

We had to wait 3 days after birth for the mom to sign TPR and 70 days for the dad search before his rights were terminated. We did not want to tell our son that this was our baby until we knew it was. So we just told him that we were taking care of her. As the weeks passed, he asked why we got her from the hospital and I told him, "She needed someone to take care of her." Once all the TPR was done and we had a finalization date, then we told him we were going to adopt her which meant she would be his sister forever.

So you can tell your daughter the bare minimum truth. "This is our friend Suzie," and leave it at that. If you have told your daughter that you plan on adopting and she asks, you can tell her Suzie is deciding if she wants to parent her baby or if she wants to place. I wouldn't give more information than your daughter asks for.

[KarenInCa]

My first inclination is to guard your dd from the confusion if it doesn't work out. However, I assume if you don't introduce her as the emom to your daughter, it would be ok. And if it's important to emom, it might be a good idea. However, Ive never been in an oa situation. So, Im interested in hearing what others say.

[belleinblue1978]

When I was expecting my son, I would have never gone to a party with all that family there. WAY too much pressure. My son is five now and I have never met any of his extended family, and honestly, that is fine. I think it is very sweet of you to think of inviting her, but I am sure you would hate to see some place because of societal, or even percieved societal pressures. I too know women that have placed for reasons like that.

As for meeting your daughter, if she has asked to do that, I would say yes. I'm guessing that she wants to see your parenting style. Remember this is a HUGE choice for her and her baby, and one that she wants to make with as much information as she can.

[jennlk]

Thank you all so much for all the feedback. After discussing more with dh and reading your replies, we've decided not to introduce her at the party, we're not even bringing up the subject of meeting extended family with her till later. I did talk to emom on the phone yesterday and she mentioned that her parents would like to meet us before the birth. We said we would love to and left it at that.

As for our dd, she will be turning 8 this year. Where did all that time go? I have NO idea! We are very upfront with her and she's fully aware of our adoption journey. Since we have fostered 3 children already, she's already seen the ups and downs of this process. Actually, she's been in therapy for her anxiety issues for over 4 years, she has Selective Mutism (Selective Mutism Group ~ Childhood Anxiety Network — Selective Mutism Group) and we've been working with her therapist on how to approach these issues with her. So, she does know about emom and that emom wants to meet her. Other than that, we're keeping things simple for her. Our dd is what we call an "old soul" and very pragmatic so we feel we can be a little more open about this with her.

I really appreciate the honesty, we're still learning this process! We hadn't really ever thought of private adoption before now, so we're learning as we go obviously.

[PersianMama]

We just met with an emom last week who is considering placing her baby with us. She requested that we bring our kids to the meeting because she wanted to get a sense of us as a family. Our oldest are nine and six, and they know the social worker, so we had to tell them what the meeting was for. We told them that a young woman wanted to see if we were the right family for her baby. We emphasized that until she actually has the baby and we go and pick it up, nothing is definite. We kind of made it sound like this is the usual process. They were fine. They understand that nothing has been decided