[portlowski]

We had a visit yesterday. My son's birthmom S still lives at home with her parents and they had a 4th of July picnic which we attended. We had a great time, but DS seemed very uninterested in S. (DS is 2 and a half) He kissed his bgrandma and greatgrandma and Bgrandpa and was very playful with everyone but seemed stand-offish with S. I think it is because instead of roughhousing with him like the others do, she has a bit of a pleading way of asking for hugs and kisses and this does not always work well with a kid that age. I know it is just normal developmental stuff but he would run to me whenever she got too close to him. I know this made her feel bad although she tried to hide it.

Usually I make sure she has alone time with DS at every visit and they always get along great. Our last visit was last month and she and her boyfriend took him for a couple of hours to get ice cream and go to the park. But that wasn't possible at this visit because it was a party, and she recently had surgery and was unable to life anything heavy or walk too far.

Anyway...I am rambling. I guess it was just one of those visits that proves open adoption can be much harder on birthmoms than people might think. All I can think is that it must have been hard for her to see him running to me and ignoring her. But that is the way it is and I know we will have another visit soon.

No real questions...just dealing with the non-rosy part of openness today.

[ourdreamcametru]

I wouldn't worry too much about it, like you said, it's normal development. Even at 5 there are visits when Castle is all over "E" and other time when she acts like she's never even seen her. "E" is very quite and bgrandma is very outgoing and although Castle is also very quite, she is drawn to bgrandma when we are together because she is a "clown."

[Magic_Hat]

I remember one of our early visits when DD cried every time her birth mom picked her up. And then the first time we visited with birth grandma, DD wouldn't let bgrandma hold her at all w/o crying. I felt really bad about both of those times. Luckily now, DD recognizes them more and plays with them and is affectionate with them. But we see them pretty often and I point their pictures out a lot. Not sure if that makes a difference or it's just mood at the time of the visit, probably the latter. Hopefully your next visit will go better! And hopefully S doesn't take it too personally.

[portlowski]

Thanks guys. We also have fairly frequent visits...once every 4 to 6 weeks usually. I ended up sending a short facebook message to S. We are pretty close. I just said I recognize that the visits might sometimes be tough but I appreciate how she puts DS first and that I am looking forward to watching her relationship with him grow over the years.

[redbonec]

Thanks Port for posting this thread, and the others who responded. I was going to post a very similar thread today!

Our daughter is almost 3, so about the same age as your son. Last weekend we went to stay with her birthmother. At first DD was very excited because she had anticipated the trip. So the beginning was good. The rest of the visit was ok, but, DD won't let her birthmother do much one on one with her, such as she will not let her get her out of the car, or hold her hand much, and the worst part was when we were at church--DD had just woke up from a nap in the car, so not in a great and alert mood, and though she wanted me to hold her the whole time at church, when her birthmother put her hand on her leg, DD grumpily brushed it off. Later I tried to sit her between us, but DD crawled to my other side. I felt terrible. I feel like it certainly must be a sting to her birthmother. And the last day, I tried to have DD hug her birthmother goodbye, but it didn't happen. Lots of times her birthmother would offer to do something to help her, DD would say, no my mommy will do it.
The whole visit wasn't all terrible, but the incidents still bothered me, and I wish it could be different.

You are fortunate you can visit so often (we have only been able to visit a few times since her birth, so even though DD talks to her birthmother on the phone a couple times a month, it has been months since we last saw her), so maybe like Castle's mom said and Magic Hat, there will be times that will be easier, and other times they will not be in the mood for affection, and seeing both happen will help the "good" visits outweigh the challenging visits.

I see you did mention the visit was at her family's. The visit when DD's birthmother came to our house this past fall was the best visit--at our home DD is much more comfortable, and not so clingy to just me, and more open to doing things with her birthmother. I wonder if your son will be more open with her at your house on another visit.

Did your son's birthmother respond your note? I have wondered if I should say anything to DD's birthmother. I have said how glad I was we could visit, and hope she comes here soon.

Reading your post and the other replies has helped me--I have been kind of down about it.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by portlowski

Thanks guys. We also have fairly frequent visits...once every 4 to 6 weeks usually. I ended up sending a short facebook message to S. We are pretty close. I just said I recognize that the visits might sometimes be tough but I appreciate how she puts DS first and that I am looking forward to watching her relationship with him grow over the years.

Thanks for your post Portlowski - I know how incredibly lucky I am that so far Cupcake has always been fairly receptive and playful with me (knock on wood!) But even still, it's so helpful to remember that it's not those individual moments that make an OA - it's all of them put together that form the relationship....and that make me realize what a great thing OA is for our kids. Thanks again

[Suziebearhugs]

We've had similiar issues and in some ways it's gotten better and other ways it's gotten worse.

After rejection time and time again our dd's birthmother has become more distant. Less willing to put forth an effort to try and interact and communicate with our dd and our dd is slowely starting to be ready for more interaction.

We try and encourage her birthmom to take a more active role in our visits but the last time I mentioned anything to her she said "please don't cut me out, I love seeing her even if I'm just there".

I had no intention of cutting her out. But she completely missunderstood my desire for her to be "more" than "just there".