[robandjulie]

Originally Posted by Daisy1339

Although, I have to be honest, I still don't see how my Mom throwing me a shower could be perceived as trolling for gifts anymore than a friend or sister hosting it. I mean, my Mom didn't use the toaster oven or pots and pans that I got.

No disrespect to the way you guys believe, but I just don't see it.

Showers are about "showering" the guest of honor with gifts and are pretty much "trolly" all by themselves, I guess!

If you go back far enough, the old way was that the parents put together a dowry for their daughters which enabled them to marry well and set up a nice house. Bridal showers allowed a bride to build a nicer dowry, but for a parent to host it basically was like throwing a "hey, I want to send my kid to a nice private school, come give us money" party would seem to us today. Similarly, in the past the maternal parents were usually charged with getting all the baby gear (at least all the clothes; the layette) for the baby, so for them to host a shower would seem like they were asking others to take care of their responsibility.

Over time it's become a standard part of the pre-wedding and pre-baby routine and it's not seen that way, but my understanding is that's where the rule came from. If a friend, cousin, or other somewhat extended family member does it, it was an invitation to share in the joy, but for the mother to do it was about as tacky as having the bride/mother-to-be do it would seem.

The rules have really changed. It still irks me a lot when a bride-to-be has a shower but has been living with her fiance for years and years. Why am I helping you "set up your new life together" when you've already been living together for years? Or 2nd or 3rd showers for same-sex children. But that's my understanding of showers as a way to help them set up; not as a celebration of the upcoming excitement. To me, that part is the gift I give AT the wedding or AFTER the baby is born.

I guess my point is: unless you go by the most formal and old-fashioned rules, you're likely to upset someone's sensitivities, so play by those rules when you can or just accept that it's a celebration of the upcoming wedding/baby and that it doesn't matter much.

[thanksgivingmom]

I've never heard of this, though looking back I suppose my Mom hasn't thrown most of the showers in my family....

Having said that, my Mom throws BEAUTIFUL parties and is very creative without spending a lot. I'd LOVE for her touch to be on a future shower I might get to have, but hope I wouldn't be perceived as tacky!

[EZ2Luv]

I never heard of moms not being included in throwing showere(either baby or wedding) or even throwing them themselves.
If you don't want to go, just don't go. But if your looking for excuses I am hardpressed to belive that is going to be a valid one.
EZ

[MamaS]

My mother taught me the same thing, and yes, I AM old-fashioned enough to think it matters. But, I don't want to seem callous toward the baby-to-come. So, I compromise. When I receive a shower invitation given by the mother- or grandmother-to-be, I politely decline the invitation -- BUT -- I drop by with a gift before the shower (or put it in the mail).
Also, I frequently give a gift for the mother-to-be instead of the baby: a pedicure kit, for use when she can see her feet again, for example. If I give a "baby gift" I make sure it is a larger size (12-18 months) because the baby will outgrow all the NB and Infant sizes at once, and one day you will discover your baby has NOTHING TO WEAR (except my gift)!

[KarenInCa]

You don't want to go to a baby shower because the mother of the person is throwing the shower???
I would love to be the one throwing a shower for my daughter. I had no idea it was "wrong". Guess I'll have to be careful when she grows up, so as I don't ruin her wedding/baby showers.
I didn't get a shower for my daughter from China. My friends never got around to it, probably because I was not young and pregnant thru the wait. And she was already 17 months old when we brought her home. Im so envious of others that get showers for children they adopt. If my mom would have thrown the shower for me, taken the time to come out here, be interested in finding out who my friends are here, get me excited about registering somewhere.....and then thrown me a shower, I would have been more than thrilled. I would have felt honored. But it sounds now as if others wouldn't have appreciated it so much.
Likewise, if I would ever go to a shower thrown by a mother, I would think the woman was a very lucky woman to have a mother who cares enough to make sure she had a shower. LOL Now that I've heard it's wrong, maybe I'd be the only one there celebrating for the poor woman though. Who knew?

As for trolling for gifts, I don't get that part either. What difference does it make to the guests if the mother of the woman is simply there sharing in the experience, or paying for/planning the experience? Either way, the woman is going to get the same amount of gifts from the people who come to the party. Or is the mother not supposed to attend the party at all???
I don't understand the concept of "proper etiquette" when it comes to celebrating a new family member. When did life become so complicated? I really didn't know there were "rules" this big when it comes to celebrations, other than .....celebrating!

[zxczxcasdasd]

Beth,
You are absolutely correct that it has been a long-standing rule of etiquette that in general mothers and sisters are not supposed to host showers (bridal or baby) because it was considered tacky. So no, you're not crazy.

Everyone else is correct that it is one of those "rules" that is pretty much universally ignored and has become almost obsolete. Heck, I've even been invited to a shower hosted by the mother for her daughter's 4th baby girl. Gift registries are also "officially" considered in poor taste, especially including that information in the invitation, but again it's something that pretty much everyone does and most people, I think, consider a convenience for the invited guest.

When it comes to things like these, I try to remember that the overall standard for etiquette is to be respectful, considerate and gracious, and to make people feel comfortable, welcome, at ease and important. So, when so-called "rules" get violated, go with that overriding principle.

[zxczxcasdasd]

TG- if you're concerned (not that you are or you have to be!) when the time comes (hubba hubba ) just make sure whoever is "officially" hosting know that your mom gets to work her party magic!

[momraine]

I remember reading something from Miss. Manners once, someone said they would worry about having her over for dinner. She said they should not worry, because pointing out someone elses lack of manners was to her the biggest breach of eticate (sp?) possible. She said the point of manners was to take other people's feelings and comfort into consideration so critisizing someone else would not be doing that. I try to remember that when someone does something that I consider tacky. I just assume they didn't know and ignore it.

[DianeS]

Originally Posted by Beth.

...The shower is at a nice restaurant, so hopefully there will be good food and a glass of wine.

LOL! I hope you're right, and that the host follows the rules of manners when ordering and paying for the food eaten at the restaurant during the shower.

BUT you know she either doesn't know - or doesn't care - about the rules of who should and should not throw showers, so go prepared for her to either not know or not care about who should order and pay for the food eaten at the shower. Bring your wallet, even though you shouldn't have to.

[kittymom]

I've heard of this rule before, but I've been to a few showers hosted by the grandmother-to-be. I'm no stickler for etiquette anyway (rules are made to be broken!), but this one especially I think is an outdated rule - a shower is a gift-grab no matter who throws it.

That said, my aunts will probably throw me a shower after we bring home our baby, and my friends are planning to throw one, too. They're all already asking me, which is very sweet of them. If we adopt an older baby or child instead, I'm not sure how that will play out.

Right now I'm having to help plan a shower for my friend, who is being a total diva and trying to dictate every detail. Now THAT I consider a breech of etiquette!

[greenrobin]

Originally Posted by kittymom

Right now I'm having to help plan a shower for my friend, who is being a total diva and trying to dictate every detail. Now THAT I consider a breech of etiquette!

Yes, an important one, because it risks a friendship!

I've heard of bridezillas before. Now we have showerzillas. Who knew?

[Daisy1339]

Originally Posted by robandjulie

If you go back far enough, the old way was that the parents put together a dowry for their daughters which enabled them to marry well and set up a nice house. Bridal showers allowed a bride to build a nicer dowry, but for a parent to host it basically was like throwing a "hey, I want to send my kid to a nice private school, come give us money" party would seem to us today. Similarly, in the past the maternal parents were usually charged with getting all the baby gear (at least all the clothes; the layette) for the baby, so for them to host a shower would seem like they were asking others to take care of their responsibility.

Over time it's become a standard part of the pre-wedding and pre-baby routine and it's not seen that way, but my understanding is that's where the rule came from. If a friend, cousin, or other somewhat extended family member does it, it was an invitation to share in the joy, but for the mother to do it was about as tacky as having the bride/mother-to-be do it would seem.

The rules have really changed. It still irks me a lot when a bride-to-be has a shower but has been living with her fiance for years and years. Why am I helping you "set up your new life together" when you've already been living together for years? Or 2nd or 3rd showers for same-sex children. But that's my understanding of showers as a way to help them set up; not as a celebration of the upcoming excitement. To me, that part is the gift I give AT the wedding or AFTER the baby is born.

I guess my point is: unless you go by the most formal and old-fashioned rules, you're likely to upset someone's sensitivities, so play by those rules when you can or just accept that it's a celebration of the upcoming wedding/baby and that it doesn't matter much.

THANKS!! This is what I was looking for by way of an explanation.
I think it illustrates, though, that this is an out dated way of looking at things.
I absolutely agree with not giving or attending showers for the 2nd or 3rd baby! Especially same sex.

We intend on having a welcoming party when we get blessed with our baby, but we'll have "No Presents!" on the invites.

[ChromaKelly]

I have heard of the bridal shower rule, but not baby shower. I'm surprised that people are so offended that someone's mother would host a baby shower.

[Barksum]

All I could think of when reading this is that you aren't supposed to wear white shoes, or spectator pumps, before Memorial Day or after Labor Day. I notice when people do, and then giggle at how old fashioned I am and who really cares what color your shoes are? I mean, as long as they are darker than your stockings.... Oops! Is that an outdated thing now, too??

I view showers as an expression of happiness and caring and I try to put aside all my personal feelings about how it was done or who is doing it when I give a gift. I try to give something that I know the person(s) receiving the gift would like or use, and something that lets them know that I am thinking about them and care about their future.

Do I really care about Emily Post? I don't have TIME to read through those old tomes, frankly. Seriously, there are SO MANY breeches of etiquette and protocol anymore that one is really just chosing the one or two to which one wants to take exception. I'm not suggestion social anarchy, but just a decisive look at why you are upset and if something is really rude or if it just goes against a cultural way of doing things.

Ever watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding? I love that because it is such a cultural clash. Spitting on the bride?? One culture smiles and approves, the other just about faints and is insulted.

[KarenInCa]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

Gift registries are also "officially" considered in poor taste, especially including that information in the invitation, but again it's something that pretty much everyone does and most people, I think, consider a convenience for the invited guest.

I wonder how many people violate this rule. Anarchists!!!