[Lolo88]

I'm a female in my late 20's and I've been spending a lot of time reading about adoption and lurking around message boards and thought it was time to put my thoughts out there and see what advice folks have.

DH and I (married 5 years) have been trying to conceive for a few months, and now have started talking adoption. We may or may not be able to conceive, we haven't really pressed the issue yet, but we're starting to get excited about domestic, open adoption as a way to build our family. I've always felt that I would adopt if unable to conceive (wouldn't pursue treatments) and in the last year or so, we've talked a lot about having a family that includes both biological and adopted children. Currently, we are thinking we would adopt our first child, and evaluate the possibility of trying to conceive after that.

We are going to an adoption workshop next week, but I can't wait to start collecting some thoughts and opinions about this. Thanks!

[Daisy1339]

Hi, Lolo88!

Welcome to the forums!

I'm sorry, but I'm confused about what you're asking an opinion of. Are you asking for opinions from families who have both bio and adoption children? If so, can you be more specific about what you're looking to uncover? Relationships? Bonding? etc.

Or are you asking if you should continue to try having a bio first? It sounds like you've pretty much decided that it might not be in the cards for you to have a bio child, so I'm not sure what you were asking.

Your subject line seems to be asking if you should adopt or conceive and I'm thinking that might be why you haven't gotten any responses yet, because you seem to have come to terms with not having your own, if you indeed aren't able to conceive.

I'm always happy to give my two cents, I'm just not sure where to pay on this one! LOL!

Anyone else reading it differently? I don't want her to feel like she's being ignored.

[Waiting_for_my_baby]

Hi, welcome to the boards! My husband and I are also a couple that always planned on having bio children and adopting. We discussed it for years before even marrying. After we got married we tried for over 2 years and lots of money in fertility treatments before we gave up the bio child dream. We're still in the waiting process for our baby, but we are so excited to build our family through adoption. It's a bumpy road, but I know it will be well worth it in the end! Good luck on your journey!

[Chachi]

Hello and welcome!

We have one bio son and one adopted son. When we first started talking about kids I brought up adoption but my DH wouldn't discuss it so we tried on our own for over a year. Then we started all the fertility treatments and were eventually successful (although our bson was a preemie with some health issues). Six months after DS1 was born, the DH started talking about another child. This time I firmly said "x" months trying on our own and "x" dollars towards fertility treatments and then I am done trying for another bio child. In time, DH came around and he was the one to bring up adoption this time. Our adoption journey was pretty long but looking back, I think we needed it to be that way and I wouldn't trade our ason for the world! Our family was built the way it was meant to be and the love I have for my boys is exactly the same and we couldn't be happier!

I wish you luck in whatever path you take to build your family.

[sugarandspice697]

Welcome to the boards! DP and I have a little girl through embryo donation which is like a hybrid of adoption and fertility treatments. We have a semi-open adoption with DD birth family but they have never recieved nor replied to any of our letters and pictures.

I second with the first poster. I don't quite understand the purpose of your thread. Are you asking us about infertility treatments verses adoption or adopting verses having a biological child?

[greenrobin]

I have come to adoption after having my bio kids a long time ago. My "first kids" are 25, 22, 21, and 13. Bubba, 5, and Flower Girl, 3, have joined our family through foster care. We should finalize before the month is out.

Maybe it's because I have biokids already, or maybe not, but I just never put that big of a premium on whether or not my kids shared my genetics. After we tried to have our first one, and it seemed to take quite awhile to get pregnant, we talked about adoption. But, as soon as I "learned" how to get pregnant, I didn't have any more trouble! So, adoption went on the back burner.

Now we're at a time in our lives where we have plenty of room in our home for more kids, but the inability to conceive them. So, we went into fostering to be able to help kids. Our goal was NOT adoption, just having kids in our home.

And then Bubba and Flower Girl arrived and things changed.

Honestly, I love them every bit as much as my bios. They're pretty spectacular kids, if I do say so myself. The only difference for me is that I don't have the memories of their baby years. Their first mom has those. It makes me feel a little selfish for wanting that as well. I mean, I have the kids. But, still.

For us, it doesn't feel different. In fact, as the adoption date gets closer, I have that feeling of anticipation I did when my due date got closer. How strange--and wonderful--is that?

I hope you find the answers you are seeking. This is a great place to look!

[ourdreamcametru]

Welcome to the boards and the wonderful world of adoption. My DH and I didn't think we could have bio children so we considered adoption early on in our marriage. We did end up having two bio boys but the thought of adopting never left our hearts. When our boys were 10 and 14 we were approached with an private, domestic, open adoption possibility. We met with "E" and all decided that it was something we all wanted to go ahead with and three months later we witnessed the birth of our precious princess, Castle. She is 5 now and we have a beautiful open adoption with her birthmother "E" and her extended family and love every minute of the time we spend together! As a matter of fact, when they came to our house in May to celebrate Castle's birthday I told DH that I didn't feel like I had to clean as much for them to come as I do when our own parents come, we're just that comfortable around them and it rocks! I'd be glad to answer any questions you might have about open domestic adoption and adoption with bio children also!

[Lolo88]

Thank you for sharing your stories, I really appreciate it. After posting, I realized I probably should have put some specific questions up there, huh? But in a way I'm glad I didn't at first, because really I just love hearing about how/when people chose adoption and what difference it has made in their lives.

A couple specific questions:
-Any tips or things I should be aware of in terms of relationships between bio and adopted siblings?
-I am strangely nervous about people assuming that infertility is our primary motivation when it isn't...but I'm learning that people have lots of misconceptions about adoption and that infertility really isn't the "primary" motivation for anyone...thoughts on how to respond to the silly things others say?
-Not sure when/how to tell the family...wondering if they will try to pressure us to "try harder" for bio kids...what are others experiences and suggestions on this?

Thanks so much for the warm welcome! I'm really impressed with the compassion and wisdom of folks on this forum.

[jalapeno]

Originally Posted by Lolo88

A couple specific questions:
-Any tips or things I should be aware of in terms of relationships between bio and adopted siblings?
-I am strangely nervous about people assuming that infertility is our primary motivation when it isn't...but I'm learning that people have lots of misconceptions about adoption and that infertility really isn't the "primary" motivation for anyone...thoughts on how to respond to the silly things others say?
-Not sure when/how to tell the family...wondering if they will try to pressure us to "try harder" for bio kids...what are others experiences and suggestions on this?

I think it is pretty unusual to choose adoption over bio first when you have a choice. I didn't realize that until after we'd decided on our path! LOL So people have assumed we had IF issues. That used to bug me too. I suppose because it seemed to suggest something negative about adoption. But I don't really get many comments about that (I think most people just keep it to themselves). And the few comments I do get haven't been that bad. Mostly I have just let them go and let people think what they want.

Overall our families and others have been very positive about the adoptions. If anything I would complain about people being too positive - because we get comments about what wonderful people we are for being willing to adopt. Yesterday someone actually called me an "unsung hero" { cringe, major cringe} for having adopted through foster care. As though my children are some sort of charity case. My MIL has said stuff like "oh, just imagine where these poor kids would be without you and DH". Well, actually they would likely have some other perfectly acceptable adoptive family. I've told her that several times. I don't know for sure, but I wonder if this type of reaction might be more common in instances where there are no infertility issues. It's irritating but I think it's gotten a bit better as the kids get older.

I can't really speak to the relationships between the siblings question because my kids are all still so young. They don't understand what adoption is yet. But they all get along great now. I see no reason to anticipate more than the normal sibling stuff.

I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have both bio and adopted children. Because I think going through both the adoption process and the pregnancy/birth process helped me grow as a person and as a parent. And I think there are plenty of good reasons to do adoption first. Certainly it worked out the best for us.

I wish you well in your journey! Keep us posted!

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by Lolo88

-I am strangely nervous about people assuming that infertility is our primary motivation when it isn't...but I'm learning that people have lots of misconceptions about adoption and that infertility really isn't the "primary" motivation for anyone...thoughts on how to respond to the silly things others say?
-Not sure when/how to tell the family...wondering if they will try to pressure us to "try harder" for bio kids...what are others experiences and suggestions on this?

when we adopted our first three....we chose adoption first. it was shortly after we were married, and had no idea whether we could have bio kids or not. we got dumb questions all the time. i decided to go the "fun" route and said things like, "i know how babies come out, and i'm not interested." lol....it did what i intended it to do...got people to shut up about asking about bio-kids.

[Lolo88]

Thank you for sharing your experiences, jalapeno and mommytoeli. Very helpful!

It's good to know there are others out there who feel as we do, that adoption can be a great way to build a family, not a "last resort".

Very interesting about people being almost "too positive". I can see how that would feel uncomfortable...I'm sure loving your adopted kids comes easy to you, just as loving bio kids comes easy to parents.

I feel the same about wanting to have both experiences and growing from them in different ways. At the same time, I will definitely be happy with whatever kids come my way, adopted or bio!

I'm feeling good about moving ahead. The more I've been reading and the more stories I've heard, the more this feels like the right choice for us. Wow, am I glad to have found this forum!

I will definitely update after the adoption workshop next week...so excited!