[kmcky4]

I am hoping you all can help me! I am really nervous-we are having our first visit with B-mom here in the next couple of weeks. The last time we saw her was at our match meeting. She left the hospital within 12 hours of having our dd-and we were not there. Our DD will be 6 months old next week. Our adoption is not finalized yet-so,my husband is really worried-but, there is nothing she can do now. I think he is afraid she can change her mind-but, I know she cant. What should I expect-I dont know where we will be meeting-other than we will be traveling to her hometown. I have kept her up to date with pictures-so, what, if anything should I bring her? I never did get to give her anything-due to her leaving the hospital so soon-so, maybe I can bring her a gift of some sort?
Any suggestions?

[mmdd2b]

First, I would try to be come and be the person that you think you and the person she knows you to be, and that is a awesome mommy to this precious little one. If not, I would assume she would sense that.

As for a gift, not sure I would do anything....she probably is not expecting anything. If you really wanted to do something, maybe frame a picture of your family for her in a frame or on a box or trinquet (sp?).

Just my thoughts,
Kristy

[belleinblue1978]

Remember that she will be as nervous as you are. First visits after baby is born are emtional for everyone. She is probably still grieving and seeing your little one will probably bring some emotions back to the surface. Don't be disappointed if she doesn't act all lovey and huggy to baby either. It's pretty hard to be that way, especially when you are with the person you placed your child with. I was uncomfy even holding Kiddo at first. That and I was trying to protect my heart and not let myself get too attached as I knew I would have to say goodbye in a few hours.... Kiddo is five now and I still do that.

Talk about stuff that has to do with baby. I always want to know about Kiddo, it isn't that I don't care about his parents, but my focus isn't them, they are adults. My focus is making sure that I know everything I can about Kiddo so that I can be the best first mom to him that I can.

Remember to show some interest in her life as well. Ask questions about things that you are curious about, without getting too personal. I'm talking about stuff that you can go home and write down for your little one.

If you want to take anything, I would suggest a nice photo album for all the pictures you have sent, along with a couple new pics in it.

[kmcky4]

Thank you for your suggestions! I never thought she would be standoffish...but, it makes total sense. I know my husband has visions of her running up-taking her in her arms and telling her that she is her mommy. He is so afraid of that. But, to ease his mind-we just got a call from our sw with a court date for finalization! So, that helps! I love the idea of a photo album-for all the pictures! I will start looking for one!

[ourdreamcametru]

First off, it's all going to be fine and you will be so happy to see her as she will you I am sure. For us we didn't see Castle's bmom until her first birthday and although she was very happy to see her you could tell that she just wasn't sure. We met at a local resturant with bmom and her entire family. Bmom really acted like she didn't know what to do with a baby, didn't want anything to do with feeding, diapering etc but now that Castle is 5 their relationship has grown and bmom comes by the house to play from time to time and we visit with her and her family several times a year, actually going to the free kids summer movie with them next week and then out to lunch, at Christmas we have a girls shopping day with bmom, me, Castle, bgrandma, and bgreataunts and we have the time of our lives! Just try to relax and let your relationship grow--it's so worth it!
As for a gift, we gave "E" a photo album with several photos from birth up to the time of our first visit and then she added to it from that point on, actually had to give her her third blank album for Christmas this year because she had filled the others up! We also gave her a nice necklace with her and Castle's birthstones in it and she loved it.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by kmcky4

Thank you for your suggestions! I never thought she would be standoffish...but, it makes total sense. I know my husband has visions of her running up-taking her in her arms and telling her that she is her mommy. He is so afraid of that. But, to ease his mind-we just got a call from our sw with a court date for finalization! So, that helps! I love the idea of a photo album-for all the pictures! I will start looking for one!

I TOTALLY get why, with the stereotypes and horror stories from Lifetime, etc. your husband would be afraid of that - but it's been my experience with all the first Moms that I've known, that we're nothing like that

I agree that she may be a little standoffish, scared, nervous, worried....it was a VERY surreal experience for me. And if anything I erred on the side of less contact with Cupcake on our first visit, until her Mom basically invited me to touch and hold her.

Cupcake's Mom brought me a picture of Cupcake in her first Halloween costume and a bouquet of flowers to our first visit.

[portlowski]

It might seem counter-intuitive to your husband, but the more you are able to "share" your child with her birthmom during the visit, the better you will feel. And it will be a signal to her birthmom that you trust her and recognize the love she has for your child. I am not suggesting that you force the baby on her, but that maybe you ask for her assistance when you change or feed the baby...that way you include her while retaining the role of mom. I found it was a way for me to build my relationship with my son's firstmom...we still laugh about our first co-diaper change when he had a total blow out and we ran out of wipes!

[kellyjames]

I agree with some of the previous posters--your baby's birth mom may seem standoffish but is probably just nervous and emotional. I was more emotional than my son's birth mom when she arrived for our first visit; I started crying (happy tears) when I brought him to her. She'd come with her boyfriend, and my husband and I left them alone (they were in our living room, we were in the family room) with R for a while, so they could have some privacy. I could hear them talking and laughing and enjoying him...I was SO happy she was there! Take pictures of her with the baby, and send her some if she wants--that means more than anything else. And offer to let her feed the baby, burp, whatever; I was happy to let her "take over" and have some private time with him, too. It was hard to say good-bye, but I told her we'd plan a visit soon, and we did...he's now four and we see her family about four or five times a year (plus photos, emails, etc). She and I are now very close and our relationship is even better than I hoped/expected.

Hope this helps. If you're emotional like me, have Kleenex on stand-by!
Kelly

[slugbug0930]

DD's bmom was a little hesitant at our first meeting too. I could tell she wanted to hold her but just didn't seem to know how to ask or what to say. I finally just asked her if she would like to hold DD. During the visit DD needed to be fed so I suggested that she do it. DD was only 4 months old.

The second visit was much easier. DD was older (almost 12 months) and more able to interact. So it felt like it was less about us and more about DD & her bmom spending time playing and having a good time.

I know that the visit was hard on her....she told me so several months later. But she also told me as hard as it was on her....it made her see that she made the right choice for DD.

So I guess my suggestion is to be yourself and enjoy the visit. I think a photo album would be a lovely gift as would a scrapbook if you are into doing that sort of thing.

[aclee]

We saw Ty's bfamily in mid November when we finalized, so he was almost 10 months old. M was really excited to see us and see him, but she was wiping away tears and holding tightly to R's hand as she walked in. You could tell they were both trying to hold it together. They had their 3 parented children with them too, which I'm sure adds to it all. M held Ty the whole time we ate dinner, and we talked with her. R (bdad) was very quite and mostly tended their children and got them dinner etc. Our relationship with R is much tougher than M, and I think it's mainly cause he doesn't know us as well. About half way through dinner, he asked how we felt about the election (Obama) and we talked a little politics. I think he still might have a little harder time with his son being with a CC family, but he did open a little when he found out we voted for Obama

One thing that was funny was that M handed Ty his bottle, and he handed it right back to her. I had to tell her that he didn't hold it yet...lol. She thought that was so funny. Then when he was chowing down on carrots and every other veggie in sight she couldn't believe what a good eater he was...

It was a nice time. We took lots of pictures of them all, and I'm SO glad we have those.

PP's are right though, she will be just as nervous as you. I was bawling while we waited for them, and they were about 10 minutes late and I was sure they weren't coming and was crying. There might not be concern about them being able to "take" the baby, but I still worried how they would feel about the job we were doing...maybe your DH is worried about that?