[ahimsa]

I haven't used these forums in a long time. It's been a while since our adoption and everything was going fairly well, for the most part. On my daughter's 8th birthday I bought her a locking diary. I figured it would be a good place for her to express herself, particularly feelings she has about being adopted. I thought it could become an issue, but decided to try it. She has one key and knows that I have the other, in the event that she loses hers.

Today I was putting things in her closet and realized that her diary was unlocked. I know...I shouldn't have read it. Those are her private thoughts. I did a bad thing. But, now I'm super freaked out about what I found in there. Here are some of the statements (or similar):

I hate this "f" house.
I hate my parents. They are fat and ugly and I hate them.
I wish my brother was dead.
I hate everything my fat albert mother says when she is talking.
I hate all the ugly clothes she buys me.
I hate my dad. He is so fat. Why does he have to be so fat.

There are other things, but you get the gist of it. I'm shaking as I write this because I don't know what to do. I shouldn't have looked, but can I deny what I found? She's only 8 and using language like this. I was very hurt by the fat comments but am completely freaked out by the comment about wishing my son was dead. I haven't told my husband yet, because I (1) I'll have to admit to what I did, (2) I'll have to tell him what his precious little girl is saying about him, and (3) I'm sure he'll want to confront her and I don't know that we should.

Please, if anyone has advice, I am desperate! I knew that adoptive parents would understand the behaviors that our kids sometimes have that scare the crap out of us. What do you think I should do???

[txwannabemom]

I am so sorry! Could be she have written that when she was really angry?!?!?

She refered to you as her parents and brother- I'd call that considering herself a part of the family.

I don't know that you should confront her either. That would definatly break any trust. Could you covertly monitor it...I don't know that seems horrible too.

I wish I had better advice, but I am sorry!

[sbaglio]

This is a hard one. First off, know that kids know SO much more than we give them credit for these days. So the fact that she uses that language, at least in her writings, doesn't surprise me at all. I've heard younger kids use far worse language. Secondly, which kid hasn't said that they hated their parents or sibling at some point in their lives? I'm sure I can remember wishing my sister would just die way back when we would fight a lot as kids, but I didn't really mean it. I don't know if your daughter is like that, or if this means more than I'm implying.

How has she been acting? Does she seem different from how she usually is, so that what she has written would seem completely out of context? Or is her behavior congruent with what she has written? Does she seem depressed, or is she having problems at school?

I can tell you, though, that my mum read my sister's diary when she was 15 years old, and still now, 17 years later, my sister still resents that she did that. So I would think long and hard before opening that can of worms i.e. letting her know that you've read it.

Remember that a diary is considered by many to be very private, and people put down their most intimate thoughts in them. They are our thoughts put down on paper. Imagine if your own thoughts were actually written down and not just pondered. I would be plenty embarrassed if I saw everything that I thought manifest on the page, let me tell you. Some of them I mean and believe, and others I don't. Writing things down helps us process them.

I know there will be different opinions out there. This is just one way I feel you could handle it.

Good luck.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by sbaglio

This is a hard one. First off, know that kids know SO much more than we give them credit for these days. So the fact that she uses that language, at least in her writings, doesn't surprise me at all. I've heard younger kids use far worse language. Secondly, which kid hasn't said that they hated their parents or sibling at some point in their lives? I'm sure I can remember wishing my sister would just die way back when we would fight a lot as kids, but I didn't really mean it. I don't know if your daughter is like that, or if this means more than I'm implying.

How has she been acting? Does she seem different from how she usually is, so that what she has written would seem completely out of context? Or is her behavior congruent with what she has written? Does she seem depressed, or is she having problems at school?

I can tell you, though, that my mum read my sister's diary when she was 15 years old, and still now, 17 years later, my sister still resents that she did that. So I would think long and hard before opening that can of worms i.e. letting her know that you've read it.

Remember that a diary is considered by many to be very private, and people put down their most intimate thoughts in them. They are our thoughts put down on paper. Imagine if your own thoughts were actually written down and not just pondered. I would be plenty embarrassed if I saw everything that I thought manifest on the page, let me tell you. Some of them I mean and believe, and others I don't. Writing things down helps us process them.

I know there will be different opinions out there. This is just one way I feel you could handle it.

Good luck.

I one bazillion percent agree with Fadzi. I hope you follow this advice!

[mom2samuel]

How old was your daughter when you adopted her? Just wondering. As mean as the comments were...I think we ALL said, wrote, or thought things about our family when we were growing up..I think for me, it started when I was 12 or so. Kids need outlets for expressing their anger...whether it be to friends, or to a diary. I don't think I'd confront her about it unless she outwardly begins to express these thoughts towards family members (verbally, angrily, etc).

Michelle

[SupaModel]

My mom read my diary when I was 15 yrs old and I still resent her for invading my privacy. Also because of some of the things in there I stopped speaking to my father for 10 yrs. I for one wouldn't confront her.

[crick]

If her behavior seems fine, all is the same, no nightmares, eating habits are the same etc., I'd chalk it up to an angry time when she wrote it.

What you might do to try and figure out if it's more, is talk about your weight in terms of losing some and maybe say "It bothers me that I'm overweight", and see what she says. She very well might be worried for you and the diary is her way of expressing that. kwim? Kids in 2nd grade learn about healthy nutrition at school and all that stuff, so it might be scary for her and yet it's coming out in anger.

My kids love each other, but boy...some things they've said to each other when mad? hole leeeee COW! I kid you not.

You might have a mother/daughter fun date (manicure and lunch maybe?) and just spend some alone time with her. Not to discuss the diary, but just to open the door to anything she might want to talk about. If nothing else, spending time with each other alone is always a good thing.

[Magic_Hat]

I feel for you cause that stuff is disturbing but I wrote that I hated my step father in my diary and my mom read it and I resented that a lot. I felt like it was an invasion of my privacy. We had a lot of other issues too and my parents didn't have a lot of respect for my feelings, personal space, etc., but I would be careful about letting her know you read it. The other posters' advice about figuring out what is wrong is great.

[Linny]

I agree with Fadzi and Crick. But, I wouldn't feel badly about reading her diary----at this point. I also wouldn't let her know you've read it; BUT, I'd gently get around to those subjects too. There is an offside chance she left her diary unlocked hoping that you'd find it too......just a thought.
Just don't toss the comments 'off' and make sure you keep in touch with her heart as much as you can.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Daisy1339]

DO NOT tell her that you read her diary and if you're DH cannot keep that secret then DO NOT tell him, either.

You'll have to be strong and carry that burden, because you did breach her trust by reading it. Think about when you gave it to her and told her to write her private thoughts in there. Did you tell her that it was for only her to read? Then you are correct when you think she will feel betrayed.

Heed the warnings that are being given to you and DO NOT tell your little girl that you read her private thoughts. She'll never forget it.

[ahimsa]

Thanks for all the great advice. I did have a talk with my husband. He would never tell her. Not his style. He seemed far less concerned about it than I did. He said he remembers thinking similar things about his sister as a kid, but not having it written down. As we were talking I remembered the blog I used to keep on here about 4 years ago. I would say awful things about my inlaws as a way of coping with how they treated me. I've since deleted it since I would never want them to find it and it just upset me to go back and read it.

I never thought about her learning about fat as being something that kills people and that being a fear. Very interesting. She only once approached the issue with me when she said that she is in better shape than I am. I said "no, honey I do triathlons and you are not in better shape than I am". She started to say "but you're..." then her voice trailed off. I had a talk with her about what being in shape meant and about how the size of a person's body isn't always indicative of their the shape they're in. She's been to my races and seen me do 3-4 hours of swimming, biking, and running, so she knows I'm athletic, but was responding to my "size".

My husband and I also talked about the fact that our family draws attention. One is because they're black and we're white. However, the bigger attention grabber is that my husband is 6'7". It took me a while to get used to that when I first met him. He attracts attention. Period. They don't often understand all the nuance of why our family attracts attention and it is possible that they think our weight is a factor. Maybe it is. All I know is that when big, white me is at the store with my black kids...we get a lot less attention than we do when super-tall daddy is with us.

So, he and I agreed that we're not going to tell her we read it or know what's in it. He thinks that I should over the next few weeks check it to see if new things are written to see whether we should see a therapist about it or not. At the time she got the diary, she was going through a period of being in trouble A LOT. I do think a lot of that could have been written during that period. She was getting in some much trouble that her birthday celebration had to get postponed several weeks because her behavior at school was so bad, that we felt having a party/fun day was a reward and postponed it until she was out of trouble.

So, that's the plan, for now.

[ahimsa]

Oh yeah...we adopted her 4.5 years ago. She was 3.5 at the time. I am not comfortable discussing my weight with her. I'm not comfortable discussing weight loss with her either. I have struggled with an eating disorder for over 24 years and began seeking treatment for it last year. No one knows about this but my husband. My weight is a deeply personal issue for me. It's not just about eating too much, or exercising too little. It's about a problem that I've had since I was not much older than her. I don't want to open that can of worms with her.

[crick]

If you aren't comfortable discussing your weight with her, that's fine. I would just say that she might be picking up on the stress you've dealt with over the years and if it's something she thinks about or worries about, then just talk about healthy nutrition, weight & shape, exercise etc. in general.

Girls get body "issues" very early now, so I would at least have that door open. Boys do too for that matter.

[Nevada Jen]

I think you made the right decision. I also think you should not tell her you read it over this. Maybe its because my kids are little but I wouldn't have a problem with reading their diaries or a regular basis anyway. I would want to know if they were into anything bad.