[cupcake17]

My son was born a little over a year ago. His birthmom, a college student made an adoption plan for him and choose us to be his adoptive parents. We have a open adoption with our sons birth mother and visit her 4-5 times a year. We area comfortable with our current set-up and trust his birthmother. Just a few weeks ago her mother ( biological grandmother) learned of the hidden pregnancy and adoption plan. She has been in contact w/ me via a social networking website. She is wondering about seeing our son and does the openness include her. I do know the answer to these questions. I don't know although I do know that she has a history of drug abuse but now holds a full time job. I don't' want to overwhelm my son. I also don't want to seem snotty or mean if I deny her visit request. Will there be a time when my son no longer wants a relationship with his birth family ? I would like to have your advice or personal experiences ....
Thanks for listening

[RavenSong]

How does your son's birth mother feel about her mother being part of the OA visits? I know for myself that I would never have allowed my mom to be involved at all if I had had an OA. I hated the fact that she even met my son at all when we were reunited.

There must have been a pretty heavy reason for bmom not to tell her own mom that she was pregnant, much less relinquishing. If I were you, I'd ask her for her view on the subject before making any decision...

[cupcake17]

We have contacted our son's birthmother about this issue. I have not yet heard back from her.

[Gwen72]

I agree with Raven. One of the many reasons I placed my son was the toxic relationship I had with my mom. If OA was even a possibility then I would not have wanted her to have contact with him. Make sure it's OK with birthmom before you agree to visits with birthgrandma.

[JustPeachy]

This is a tough one. I would have not been thrilled at my mom being involved if I had an OA, as she has such poor boundaries my guess is she wouldn't have respected my son's parent's comfort level with the openness, and I know she would have turned every visit into something that was all about her. She would likely have ended up sabotaging things for me!

I would get birthmom's input on this first and foremost. Then I would decide what YOU are comfortable with. You signed on for OA with your child's bmom. If you are not comfortable opening it to extended family, you certainly have the right to decline. OTOH, I think it is always nice when I hear about other adoptive families being inclusive of extended birthfamily members if it is workable. I do think it comes down to your comfort level though. Maybe if actual visits are not in the plan for you, you could agree to accept correspondence such as letters and cards from the birthgrandma?? I dunno. Just throwing some ideas out there.

Your child's birthmom may not even want her mom involved in all this, so the whole thing will be resolved if that is the case. If she expresses a desire to have her mom involved, then you'll need to make a decision about it, but I wouldn't necessarily feel obligated to do it.

[Mom2Max]

We have a similar situation. Our daughter's birthmom, whom we have a wonderful open relationship, has requested that we don't have contact with the birth grandparents. We listened to her and although we aren't sure why she doesn't want contact, we respect her wishes. I would never want to jeopardize our relationship, or do anything that she isn't comfortable with. With that being said, it can be hard at times. Birth grandparents have been sending our daughter packages with clothes, presents, cards, etc... since she was little. ( they got our address from birthfather) I always send a thank you card and that's it. It is hard to turn them away and say no to requests to see her, but I know there must be a reason that dd's birth mother doesn't want contact. If I were you it would all depend on your son's birthmom and her feelings on visits.

[rtsmom]

I agree with other responses. First and foremost, it should be up to your child's bmom whether or not the bgrandparents are involved. If she is okay with it, then you can make the decision as to whether or not you are okay with it.

[bromanchik]

It looks like I am going to be the lone dissenter here. I do not think it should be up to a birthparent to decide who is involved in the child's life. That is a decision for the parenting parent to make.

If there are good reasons for grandparents to not be involved than that needs to be discussed together. I know that there are sometimes really good reasons for no contact, but sometimes it is more about the strained relationships between the birthparent and his/her parent than he grandparent being actually a bad influence.

[Hadley2]

Thank you, bromanchik, you are not alone, I think there are many that would agree. I agree. The issue for the parent is not what somebody else wants, but what is best for the child. The child has a best-interest interest in having a relationship with his or her family of origin when safe and possible. It is up to the parent to decide what is safe and what is possible.

[CRAZY_WOMAN]

I defiantly would get the babies birth mom input,Before I allow someone that could be dangerous or not to see my child.

[browneyes0707]

I'm curious, what makes you think this woman is dangerous? A history of drug use doesn't necessarily equal danger, if she's faithful in her recovery and is holding down a full time job, it's possible she is fully capable of healthy relationships with others. Before writing her off as a dangerous influence on your child, it might be wise to find out more information. There's a big difference between someone who abused drugs, started recovery years ago and has many years of sobriety under their belt, and someone who is actively using and in the beginning of seeking help.

I got pregnant and made an adoption plan in college without my parents knowledge. While I'm not going to say it's the ideal situation, my reasons for it had nothing to do with any issues that my parents and I had, for all intents and purposes, I had the "model" upbringing. It was more pride and perception on my part. I'd hate for my daughter's mother to think that I didn't tell my mom because there was something "wrong" with her. If my mom were to find out about my child, I would not have an issue with her keeping in touch with my daughter or her family, because really it's not my decision. If my daughter's family thought it would be good for my daughter, then she gets what's best for her.

Do you know why she didn't tell her family? I feel like maybe there is more to this story than we know.

Regardless, I think it's up to you as to whom you want in your child's life. Maybe you need to get to know this woman more before you make a decision, after all, that's likely what you'd do if it was anyone else asking. As far as your son losing interest in his birthfamily, well.... maybe, maybe not, only time will tell. You can't make decisions based on what if's, you need to act on the certain now. If you chose open adoption, I'd have to assume that you see that there is a benefit to him to know his birthfamily as an active part of his entire life. Most children don't lose interest in people they have healthy relationships with, so I think your first step is to see if your son can have healthy relationship with this woman.

[Emberbit]

I think that who to allow in your child's life is definitely a parenting decision for you to make. But if my child's parents came to me to tell me that my mother had contacted them independantly, I would be pretty riled up. It's their right to decide if they want contact with her. But it's my right to say that I will not have any contact with that woman (my mother). So if they want to take the time to visit with her, I'll stay out of it except to tell them why I don't think a relationship with my mother is healthy. But if they expect to include her in my visits there's a conflict because I'd rather avoid my mother than see my daughter. I feel that my reasons for that are good and not seeing my mother is the right decision for me so I hope it never comes down to that.

[susie_book]

My son's parents are deciding right now whether to share their address with my mom--and I think it's going to be a "no." It's what I would have advised, I admit it, but I do think that it's their decision. That said, I think if a bmom is strongly urging the aparents not to have an open relationship with her mom, there is probably a reason [or reasons] worth investigating. For my part, it's because my mother keeps talking about "getting him back" and wants my placed son to come visit her and her husband alone, and doesn't seem respectful of the aparents AT ALL. So...I agree with everyone!

[startedover]

This thread really caught my eye because after 2 years, our daughter bio grandma asked her daughter if she would ask if it was ok for her to email me. The daughter asked and I said it was ok. But i did tell the woman that a meeting in the future would be probable, but that did not mean I knew what the relationship would be. I would have to take that as time went.

[cupcake17]

Thank you all for the responses. I'm still awaiting an answer from our sons birthmom on her opinion. I do realize that this is not her decision but I do want her input on this. I do think that she kept this from her family was because she didn't want her mom to talk her mom to talk her out of placing him for adoption or trying to get custody of him.