[AS-NJ]

Hi
We have set up an email account so that the emom can contact us. Does anyone have any tips on things to talk about and things to stay away from talking about?
This is the first time we have gotten to the "matching" point - we are novices at this.
Any thoughts / help would be greatly appreciated.

[AS-NJ]

Bump. Please help. Your input is invaluable.
thanks

[portlowski]

We did an agency adoption and our first meeting with our son's birthparents was a face to face. We had 2 counsleors with us, the e-parent advocate and the match specialst. They helped guide the initial conversation but as DS's birthmom and I have a lot in common and are both chatterboxes, we hardly needed their help!

Here is the advice we got:

be yourself. don't pretend to be perfect. Ask about how she (or they) are doing and what their interests are, not just about the pregnancy. Be respectful of the fact that they are considering an adoption plan, but at this point they are the parents of the child, not you.

If the conversation progesses, you can ask them what type of openness (if any) they envision, and how that plan would work. Let them know your parenting philosophy and what your values and support systems are.

I found it helpful to preface certain questions with "if adoption is the plan..." or "if you choose adoption..." or "if you choose us to parent your child..."

My son is now 2 and a half and I think back on that first meeting and how newvous we were and now how comfortbale our relationahip is with my son's birthfanily and I am amazed...

Good luck.

[shellers]

I don't have a lot of input, we were matched with dd 2 days before birth and never even spoke until after dd was born, she came early we thought we had more time.

The most important thing I was told was to be ourselves. Obviously she liked a lot of things about your profile already. We asked her what she liked about our profile, she mentionned a few of the pictures so we gave some stories about them, where we were, what led up to the pictures which led to a really natural conversation.
Ask her how she is feeling, weird food craving, if she has enough support from family and friends. Ask her if there is anything she wants to know about you that wasn't in her profile- be honest if you don't know something.
I hope that helps.

[sambob]

We also had an email account through our profile, and were contacted by a number of potential birthmothers. One seemed particularly interested in us, and after extensive conversations, she said she would 'give' her baby to us, but would not speak with our attorney or agency. That was a huge red flag for me. If the person is serious about adoption and is serious about you, eventually they will need to address the legal issues and get some plans in order, so don't hesitate to request that they speak with your agency or attorney. Email can be a great way to start conversations and break the ice, but it's also an open door for scammers.

[mommy3]

First, congratulations on starting your path to your baby. It's an interesting, wonderful, nerve-wracking, loving, scary journey. . . My 2 cents: this has been touched upon, but try your darndest to not get sucked into a real-time, long term relationship until the expectant mom has contacted your agency or attorney -- it's hard enough to protect your heart without dealing with emotiona or financial scammers who seem to want to pull everything out of you. Don't give ANYone money for ANY reason unless it's set up with your agency or attorney, you know the laws in your state and you are clear that this is to support someone under certain expectations, none of which involve a "sure thing". Last, if something seems too good to be true, it usually is, to be candid. Take you time; be yourself. Enjoy the journey as much as you can. When you are talking with real expectant moms who are also a bit new to the adoption scene, communication can be wonderful and confusing, but this is where many of us begin our adoptions. Best of luck, susan

[AS-NJ]

Thanks everyone. I just wanted to fill you in on the back story - We were matched by our attorney who was contacted by the emom. Our atty showed her a bunch of profiles and we were chosen. I asked if I could see pics of her & her dd - if she would be ok w.that since we are not planning on a face to face meeting until she is out of her 1st trimester, so the atty advised us to set up an email account for the emom to contact / send pics to. So now I am just waiting for her to get in touch with me.
Thanks for all of the input & if anyone else has some good tidbits or anything else that we should know or think about I would love to hear it.

[portlowski]

I see from your post that she is very early in her pregnancy.

At this stage in the game I would advise you to move very slowly and to "protect your heart". In an agency adoption you would not usually be matched til much later and this expectant mom has a lot to process as her pregnancy progresses.

Do you know if she is receiving counseling? Although we expectant aparents are very eager to be matched with our babies, I can say from experience that knowing your child's birthparents choose adoption only after very carefully considering all options and receiving unbiased counseling is something that will offer you peace of mind.

All the best to you.

[AS-NJ]

part of the reason we chose to work with the atty we are working with is because she is very into counseling for the emoms. one of the social workers who works with the emoms that she works with is a friend of a friend. So she does make sure that they get counseling as well as proper prenatal care.
I am definitely protecting myself. I know that anything can happen and it is going to be a very long road. My DH will do the same. We will help each other not to get our hopes up.

[mommy3]

I misunderstood about your contact -- thought you were talking about "any" expectant mom who emailed you. We had a fairly long match for our second adoption (3 mos) and can say that our bond helped save the adoption in the end, so your connection to this expectant mom can become very important down the road. Our dd's birthmom says she is so happy now that we were able to be close so when she had PPD, we rode it out with her.

Soooo, my advice then would be to talk about your days, just things you do and think and not focus much on her pregnancy unless she brings things up. That being said, it's still important to ask and talk about her pregnancy. A close friend's daugther birthmom used to tease my friend when she was pregnant and say, "You don't ask me enough about the baby -- if you don't, I'll think you don't care about her!" Finding a balance is important, of course. As you get to know her, she'll help you see what she wants to talk about and what she's quieter about. I always tried to talk with our dd's birthmom like she really was the freind she was becoming. That helped me know how to approach things.

Best of luck! susan

[portlowski]

All the best to you, ASNJ.

It sounds like you have done lots of research and are approaching this very thoughtfully. I can say that "protecting your heart" is easier said than done! We were matched for only a few days before DS was born, and yet when his birthmom made the decision to wait an extra week to TPR (a decision I respect and admire) I was in emotional agony, not knowing if this baby would be mine or not. So, you do your best and know that if you approach things with integrity and honesty, you you can get through anything.

Once again, best wishes to you on your journey...

[WizardofOz]

Originally Posted by AS-NJ

since we are not planning on a face to face meeting until she is out of her 1st trimester, so the atty advised us to set up an email account for the emom to contact / send pics to.

ASNJ, I am sure you know this - ANYTHING can happen in adoption. Many potential birthmothers change their mind before and after birth and it is all a wild rollercoaster. A first trimester match is VERY early (and in my personal opinion not appropriate not only because the expectant mother is not yet at a stage where she has thought all her options through but it also takes you "off the market" for a very long time). Usually matching is done in the last trimester and for that reason, I would keep your e-mail contact on low fire and in your own mind, do not even call it a match at this stage.

[Stormster]

I always believed it was very important to get to know each other as people. yes one is obviously pregnant but it is HER body, HER pregnancy and HER decision so while it is appropriate to check in with how she's feeling etc. I do not think it's appropriate to talk about her plans for her baby unless she brings it up.

I would be generous with information, I would email pics of the house (in a casual way!) or family activities.

Ask her if she cooks! If she does share recipes, if she doesn't, send her a batch of cookies. Find out if she reads! She may not be interested in this kind of relationship but if she does respond, imagine how wonderful it will be for her to find out you have things in common and for you to have information about your child's birth mother beyond things that one fills out in forms.

One of the best things about our journey (and there were some insanely hard times) was the time I spent one on one with E's birth mother. We shopped, we cooked, we talked, she showed me family pics. Yes this was done in person but there were also wonderful phone conversations and emails.

I believe the right thing to do is be straight forward and share yourself. The tricky thing is not to become so intimate that after placement there are any feelings of rejection should the relationship change for any reason.

We were an open book. First because we were happy to share our lives with such nice people and second, because we wanted them to feel 100% comfortable that they weren't placing their child with strangers or people they weren't sure about.

Good luck. We had two long matches and survived them both. There are some positives to long matches. I got to spend 5 days with E before he was born and I can always tell him that ....I even cooked for him