[shan76]

Hi everyone,

I have a wonderful son who I adopted at age 5 a couple years ago. Now I am pregnant. We never tried to get pregnant until now, but adopted because it was what our hearts felt was right. In fact, I thought we would probably adopt all our children.

Anyway, I can't tell you how many comments I have gotten like "I am so glad you decided to have one of your own." Or, "You'll see, there is nothing like the connection between a you and a baby that comes out of you." These comments totally belittle the relationship between me and my son. People don't realize that they are being unkind and hurtful, and it makes me feel really defensive.

I would love your ideas for come-backs to these kinds of comments.

Thank you so much!

[zxczxcasdasd]

I got those same comments when I was pregnant and J was 11. I felt like you do about i47.

I just looked at them like they were crazy and said things like "J IS my own son/child" or "I only hope that I feel as deep and strong a connection to this child as I do with J" or "In my heart, there is NO difference between J and the child I'm carrying." If anyone tried to say I was "having my first", although I can see what they meant technically, I would always say "This child will be our second."

One look like "what in the world are you talking about?" accompanied by the reply would usually do the trick and be the last time they said something like that.

[KarenInCa]

That is so mean! I can tell you first hand, that it is the same! I had my son 25 years ago. I loved him more than I thought I could love anyone. Then, 3 yrs ago, our 16 month old was placed in my arms. Gotcha day felt identical to the day I gave birth. The love I have for her is just as deep. She is my daughter. I am her mother.
I have to admit, that I wasn't sure how I would react, but honestly, for me, THEY ARE MY CHILDREN. I can honestly say that I love them differently but also the same......because of who they are and when they entered my own life. I love them both deeply. I am very proud of each of them. They are both equally my children. Hard to describe.

My first question would be (in an excited voice) Ohhh, did you adopt too?? The answer will probably be no. To which you could reply, "Ohhh, that's too bad. If you had, you would have realized that he IS my own"
Or
He has such a beautiful place in my heart, it's difficult to imagine anyone could be better.
Or
go the educational approach. (excited voice, wanting to hear more) Where did you hear those statistics? Where can I read more about those studies? How long have those studies been out?
Or
Just blow 'em off....
I don't understand the ignorance of someone who thinks a parent can simply discard the bonding and love she has for her child. That's what I like the most about children, they're not prejudice or judgemental about the love they get from parents or siblings. It's a shame they have to be taught that kind of behavior from adults.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

Or, (since I am in a crabby mood needing more sleep)


You mean the only way you are able to really love someone is if they have come out of your body? Wow, I feel sorry for your spouse!

[greenrobin]

I believe Bugs Bunny probably had the best comeback: What a maroom!

However, Southern Lady Etiquette dictates that one not say that.

Darn the lucki.

How about taking the "What on earth are you talking about?" look and turning it into words? Most folks really don't know the answer to that one.

I had my birth kids first. Now we're adopting a 3 and 5 yr old from foster care. I can tell you, love is love. Bubba and Flower Girl occupy the same place in my heart that B, S, N and J do.

Maybe you could just tell them, "Oh, no. They cut the umbilical cord right after birth. It'll be okay!"

[yehudit]

Wow, the nerve of some people. I'm guessing these folks haven't adopted? If they have, I feel sorry for their kids.

You coul say something like,
"I know the bond will be awfully strong, at least as strong as my bond with (your child)"
Or
"I know an awful lot of people who have bio kids and adopted kids (many of us, he he) and they say there is no difference"
Or
"Oh I hope not, imagine what that would do to (your child)"
Or
"It's probably hard to imagine how much I love (your child), but other parents tell me it's just the same as with a bio child."

Good luck,

[Amber76]

My new favorite thing to say to anyone who makes a hurtful/ignorant/stupid comment is, "What a strange thing to say!" That usually makes them have to stop and really think about what they said. I had a friend tell me right after we adopted DS that it was, "Great that you could adopt him so that now you'll get pregnant!" I just looked at her and used my "What a strange thing to say! Why would I want to get pregnant when I already have a newborn?" That was pretty much the end of any comments about that.

[Stormster]

Amber I LOVE IT! I'm cracking up as I write this. I think I'll have to make that my "line" LOL

[TxMom65]

I would say, "Really, because you have adopted before and love one child more than the other? Tell me all about that."

[Saya]

Since every family I know that has both adopted and had children biologically does NOT feel that way, I'd probably say "Actually, everyone I've ever talked to who has done both says there's no difference in their connection to their children. I guess if you've never adopted you just couldn't understand."

[aclee]

I think I would sigh and say, "The hard part of all this is that people that haven't adopted don't seem to understand anything about adoption."

[loveajax]

I hope "D" isn't there when people make these comments (my dd would call them "poopyheads")! I like some of these comebacks. Congrats on your pg (and of course on being mama to D!).

[JustPeachy]

Oh, good Lord, I feel your pain! I get it from a different angle, though. I never had other children besides the one I placed for adoption. Some people don't know I had my son, and will say things like "oh, you don't have children??? You'll never know TRUE LOVE unless you have a baby!!!" Well, the fact is, I did have a baby, I love him very much even though I didn't raise him, but I also love many other people and I hope it's true! I agree the love I feel for my son and bond I had/have with him is different (not better or greater, just different) than, say, what I feel for my husband or close friends, but the whole notion that you have to birth a child to feel a bond and love that child is just so strange to me. If I decided to adopt a child, I'm sure I would love that child just as much as I do my son. I think previous posters have given you a number of good comebacks and I can't think of any better ones, so I'll leave it at that. Sorry you have to hear these types of remarks.

[jalapeno]

I love some of these comebacks. We adopted first and then had a bio. It's funny though - when I got pregnant I worried that my bio child would feel second place (because we chose adoption first!)

There just doesn't seem to be any limit to how ignorant people can be. And most people just don't get adoption.

[meghann]

I hate that the OP is having to deal with this - my cousin found out she was pregnant shortly after her older daughter was born, and the crap she heard from people boggled my mind. Someone actually asked her if she was going to put A back up for adoption, since she was having one of her own. (And apparently the person who asked this WAS an adoptive parent. )

I'm dying laughing at the umbilical cord comment, though. If it were me that's probably the one I'd go with.