[oceanica]

So we may be going up North for the July 4th party that hubby's sister is having. Some of you know about the SIL drama we had at thanksgiving and christmas. Anyway SIL #1 is having the party at her house again and SIL#2 is coming with her husband, 7 yr old twins, and 4 yr old little guy. The problem is that SIL #2 always has a few too many and then drives home with the kids. I feel we should go to the party but don't want to get involved in the drama that inevitably follows.

I could
a) not go to the party and cause SIL#1 to feel slighted.
b) go and call the cops ahead of time. (this doesn't
work!)
c) try to take her keys and get my teeth knocked down
my throat.

None are good and I don't want my kids seeing the drama! My best plan is to go early and leave after one hour.
I guess I don't really need to go up north for 4th of July!

[Steph-Jason]

I do remember you posting something a while back. Why can't family just stop being a pain in the you know what? I don't know- if it were me I think I'd just opt not to go. I'd hate for the entire family to miss out on seeing your kiddos & hate for the kids to miss out on seeing their family. But when there's alcohol involved & someone like that you just never know what's going to happen. Just MHO.

[portlowski]

You alone cannot stop someone from drinking. But a family united can stop someone from driving a car while drunk. If your SIL has a problem, it would not be out of bounds to talk to other fmaily members and devise a plan for her safety and the safety of other people in her car and on the road. If nobody is willing to back you up, you can go and have your cell phone handy to call the police if she gets in a car drunk.

Alcoholics are very good at guilting and getting everybody else to enable them. I urge you to check out information online about alcoholism so you can prep yourself. There is no reason this woman's actions should hold you and the rest of the family hostage.

Alcoholics want to continue drinking, and one of the ways they are able to do that is by deflecting the problem away from themselves and triangulating and creating divisions in the family. When that happens, everyone is so busy fighting it out that the alcoholic can just go on drinking.

I hope this doesn't come off as preachy...I am sure you know these things, but sometimes it is helpful to have another person reinforce what you already know so you can see clearly.

Good luck.

[Barksum]

We have an alcoholic in our family, too. It is horrible and for years we were always devising ways to deal with the situation, coming up with contingency plans for every action we thought possible, etc. What a lot of heartache and grief!

After 45 YEARS of catering to this family member's problems, funding numerous different stints in rehab, hearing about numerous DUIIs, dealing with physical abuse, extortion and other forms of manipulation, a situation arose that precipitated a break with this family member and they are no longer involved with the majority of the family members. Trust me, you do not want to do to your kids what was done to the kids of my generation in our family. We all got treated to the ugly outbursts of anger, knowing that this individual was out of control and also knowing that everyone was held HOSTAGE to them. This individual was scary...but we all made ways to "help" them. Not healthy, and not what I want for MY kids to learn from ME.

I'd follow Portlowski's advice and see if there is a way to devise a plan beforehand with family members to deal with the problem, should it arise. If no one else is on board, send sincere apologies to SIL #1 and explain why.

[JustCourtney]

Anyway you can discuss not having alcohol present with the hostess? Perhaps if there is nothing to drink, you can avoid the whole situation? If nothing else, maybe the problem SIL will duck out early, and go home to drink....

[joskids]

I'm with Portlowski. I understand your desire to keep your kids away from the drama, I'd feel the same way, it's easier just to stay home. But that doesn't keep this woman's children safe when she gets in a car after drinking and no one tries to stop her. I'd try to get the family involved and, if no one cares as much as you do, call CPS or the police dept. No one has a right to put their children at risk.

[Nevada Jen]

If your family is anything like mine I can't imagine an alcohol free 4th of July. We have found that serving frozen cocktails with almost no alcohol in them to the problem floks works very well for summer parties.

[oceanica]

Thanks for your input, especially port... on my side of the family nobody even drinks at all except my brother's wife, only on occasion, so I'd never personally dealt with alcoholics until I met the hubby. I will see what the rest of the siblings say and research some things as you recommend.
It's just silly that we've been through this so many times and yet we continue to reinvent the wheel here!

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by oceanica

The problem is that SIL #2 always has a few too many and then drives home with the kids. (

You call 911 as soon as she is out of the driveway. 911 because those calls are taped. Letting anyone drive drunk, especially with kids in the car is as bad as turning a blind eye to abuse. How would you feel if there was an accident and you did not try to stop it? You have a moral responsibility to those kids to try and stop it.

[kara05kara]

I know you are in a tough spot, but as I child I remember being in the backseat of this situation. I remember holding my breath as we went around curves and telling myself we were almost home. I was powerless. Please try to prevent these kids from having to go through this. Even if they are physically safe at the end of the day, they are not emotionally safe- they will remember.

What works in my family is this: the individual drinks, then the family member who is closest to the drinker takes the keys prior to any plans of going home. Then, when it's time to go, everyone gets in the car and the sober key-holder simply says, "I'm driving." and gets right into the drivers seat as if it was already agreed upon by the drinker. Someone else follows in another car so the sober one can get back. This tends to work as long as the key holder uses the momentum of the moment, remains happy, and the rest of the family completely ignores any verbal protests of the drinker.

The only other thought I have is if the drinker lives too far away for this plan, is there anyway they all can spend the night? Especially if it's preplanned and presented as fun?

Sorry you have to even think through this...hope something works out.

Natalie

[Betelnut]

I'm sorry but the easiest situation is to not serve alcohol. If the SIL sneaks some into the party, then take her car keys away or have someone else drive.

It is possible to have fun without alcohol! I'm sure the rest of the family won't mind if it helps the SIL stay sober.

[Gwen72]

I was in the same boat kara05kara was in. My dad was drunk and stoned all the time but insisted on driving everywhere and my mom let him. Both of my grandfathers were bad alcoholics and she put us in the car with them too. We were never in any bad accidents thank God. I was never physically hurt by anyones drunk driving but I still am angry and bitter that she did not stand up to protect her kids. My advice would be to get the whole family on board to keep her from driving home drunk with those kids. Box her car in the driveway, take her keys, do whatever. She can throw a fit and threaten you but she can't whip all of you at once. If she tries it call 911 and have her arrested. Maybe that will force her to get help. The whole family needs to pose a united front and put an end to this.

[KLL08]

I'm with Gwen and Kara...I was the kid in the backseat praying we'd make it home safely. If my mom was around she'd never let him but if she was at work then he would still drive us around drunk. Call 911 if she tries to get in the car and drive drunk...she will probably get mad, but better for her to be mad at you now, then cause a wreck and hurt herself, the kids or someone else.
I didn't serve alcohol at our wedding reception for this reason. Maybe the family will support you in having an alcohol free event this year.

[Gospelfan]

I hope you get to go and you and your family enjoy the extended family... even the more interesting ones.
I also hope that you can get the support to stop your SIL from driving home, or otherwise call 911. IMHO it sends messages to all the people there that drinking and driving is okay, and that's a dangerous message for all... especially the kids. And especially for your kiddos, i think it's a good way to show that where we can't control other people's actions... we always protect those who can't protect themselves and in this case her kids and the other people on the road.
Jus a thought...
~ Gospelfan

[oceanica]

I like kara's solution... that's a good idea. But I don't think the sibs would do this. The problem is she can get aggressive at times. This is a person who fought with a robber for her purse when he was holding a gun to her head!! She is crazy!
And, we HAVE called 911, every time that I can remember that we've dealt with this, we called 911 but she was never caught. This is a good idea but it hasn't worked yet.
The husband is usually with her, and he occupies the front passenger seat in the minivan, and he doesn't drive any more because of his numerous DUIs. Last time we boxed her in and she went crazy and eventually the people who were behind her caved and moved their cars. It was an ugly scene, to say the least. Each time I think she'll decide she hates us and refuse to attend another family function, but each time she eventually comes back for the another one.
Oh, and they bring their own drinks so even a dry party wouldn't help.