[loveajax]

So my Dad is really old (and sick). I just had to preface that. Anyway, a few days after DD's bday party (where all of our family members were there), DD, DH and I were at my parents' house.

Dad says to DH (who was adopted, as were his two sibs). "It was great to see your brother and sister. I think it's amazing that you still have such close contact with them even though you all were adopted." WHAT???? Thankfully, my DH has a good sense of humor and said something funny in return (I forget what it was ). I of course was annoyed and wanted to "remind" him that even though his brother (bio) and he lived in the same town, they didn't speak to each other for 40 years!!

I guess what I am frustrated about is that my DD is the apple of my dad's eye and I know how much he loves her. (There is literally a "shrine" to her at my parents' house, which annoys my sister to no end ...haha!). But even with that, he has these stupid "thoughts," you know? I don't know how to really educate the old bugger any further....Sigh!

[BrandyHagz]

I think most of the time, people don't say things to be hurtful, they just don't have a lot of exposure/don't think about things.

Consider that, for as long as most of the people on this forum have been alive, adoption was something that was NEVER talked about. It was private, between family members and not for public consumption.

I think we're in a transition where it's ok to talk about it now - but we still have our heads stuck in how it used to be in some instances and I think if those who were asking the questions would stop, think, then speak - they might not sound like such morons

I am guilty.

Local man running for office.

Signs ALL over the stinking place of he and his family.

Large family, lots of kids. Two clearly adopted (they were AA, everyone else is CC).

So one day, mom comes to the door to do some networking and I said, "You're kids are so adorable, what country did you adopt them from?"

(ducks shoes)

Sure enough, they'd adopted domestically, had open adoptions and were very forgiving in my obvious 'duh' moment.

Had I stopped to think for a minute, I would have maybe had a bit more tact.

It's easy to do. People draw from their experience/exposure and just assume others are like them then when they aren't - they get all discombobulated.

I have a good friend who adopted from Guatemala who auto-assumes any kid who looks like they might be from Latin America is Guatemalan and adopted - she's stepped in it quite a few times herself.

[loveajax]

You are right...he's old. He's like a "depression baby!" And I am sure he didn't know many adopted people growing up. Keep in mind, he is the one who also didn't want us to tell DD that she was adopted...or black! I know it makes him sound moronic, but he is so worried about her feeling "different" (as if being different is bad!).

And, yes, I have definitely put my foot in my mouth numerous times!! It is funny how some "assumptions" are just there until you are called out on them and realized you hadn't thought of everything!

[portlowski]

Loveajax,

Your post made me think of the moment in "the Jerk" where Steve Martin's family has to break it to him that he is white. And also of the Dave Chappelle routine about the blind Klansman who doesn't know he is black. I think that routine is brilliant because it points out how identity can be shaped by culture, but that there are intrinsic parts of our identites that are not malleable, and that we need to embrace and accept.

[loveajax]

I know...those are both hysterical. When he said it to me, I thought he was joking!! (No wonder why I am such a screwball!!).

I just thought it was "hurtful." I remember reading an obituary where the guy who died was 90 and left behind his "65 year old adopted son." It's like my DH and his sibs have been sibs for 40 plus years! Isn't that enough? Geez!!

[nikkianni]

Originally Posted by loveajax

You are right...he's old. He's like a "depression baby!" And I am sure he didn't know many adopted people growing up. Keep in mind, he is the one who also didn't want us to tell DD that she was adopted...or black!

Lol! I laugh because I can relate. I heard this from my fantastic aunt who now watches DD four days a week and from my SIL.
The aunt is 60+. The SIL.....not so much.
But both reassured me when DD was a few months old that they would never bring up she was adopted. Um, OK, but seeing as we're going to tell her anyway....
The race thing we didn't have to deal with but I can only imagine.
I think it goes back to intent. If the intent is a good one and no one takes offense, I go with the no harm no foul rule. Educate if necessary and move on.
In your case, I wouldn't worry. Your dad adores your dd, your DH is understanding and if you're the only one annoyed, well, parents.

[joskids]

Ajax, it sounds to me like your father loves your child so much and, like you said, he wants life to be good and safe for her.

I've gotta tell ya though, when you said he didn't want to tell her she's black, I about fell out. I know it wasn't meant to be funny . . . but it was REALLY FUNNY!!! I think she'll figure that out soon enough. Let's just hope she's not reminded by someone who doesn't love her the same way your dear father does.

Life isn't easy. Our children already know this. I think we would do a lot better as parents to let them know upfront that, whatever their situation is, bio or adopted or black or white or gifted in sports or in music or in academics, life is going to throw lots of curve balls.

I wish for all children to have a grandfather that loves them as much as your father does.

Give him a hug for me!!!!!!

[feelingreyt]

Ajax, your dad not wanting to tell DD she's black reminded me of the movie Stripes. Nobody told Stripes he wasn't a horse, but he figured out the he was indeed a Zebra, not a horse, all on his own!
I really love that movie, LOL!

I insert my big foot into my BIG mouth all the time! Thank God my family is forgiving!

My FIL says things sometimes that really irritate me regarding contact with ds's bfamily. He thinks we should not even let them see ds. Have as little contact as possible. The crazy thing about that is the fact HE is the one closest related to them! In his defense, he also knows them very well and only wants to protect ds. It's hard for him to understand why maintaing some sort of contact is healthy for ds.
Oh well, we can try, but we can only educate as much as they will let us!

[loveajax]

Oh gosh, Feeling, yeah, I forgot about the OA stuff. My mom said to us recently after our visit, "Wow. That must have been hard." Me: "No, it was a great visit." Her: "Well, it must have been sooooo hard on her birth mom." Me: "I don't think so. I know she likes to see DD and see how well she is doing." Her: "I could never do that." Um, OK, you don't have to!

Jo, dad is actually a sweetie....just a little...um...old! He is very loving, thank gosh!

Nikki, I remember one preschool form. "Is child adopted? If yes, have you told child?" Um, no, shhhhhh....I'm just telling the strangers in her life!! So funny.

[dpen6]

I had a coworker who is not old(60+ is NOT old folks) and asked me if I get together with my sibs....she really thought that because their was no bio tie that we would not. Now granted we don't get togeher as often as we should but only because of our busy lives. Just went out to dinner with my brother and wife a week or so ago, saw sis a few weeks ago ect. She meant no harm but trully beleive that our sibling relationship would not be the same as. Its very ingrained in people and the only way to change it IMO is prove them wrong.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by loveajax

So my Dad is really old (and sick).
I guess what I am frustrated about is that my DD is the apple of my dad's eye and I know how much he loves her. I don't know how to really educate the old bugger any further....Sigh!

I've been there. My dad would refer to M-K as 'colored'. I knew he didn't know WHAT to call her. I told him to call her black but it was so strange to him. When he was growing up, he was taught that 'colored' is the correct (and polite) thing to say. I would jokingly say "what color is she?" and he would say "oh, yeah, black". My grandmother was worse. But it was just ignorance on her part. I knew their heart was in the right place so I let it go. Maire-Kate was too young to know better. These days, I explain to them that "____ is old and doesn't always know the politically correct thing to say" (after the company goes home). I look at it as practice for the real world. It gives us a chance to talk about how to handle the difficult comments or questions.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Keep in mind, he is the one who also didn't want us to tell DD that she was adopted...or black!

I had to laugh out loud at that one! Your dad is definately unique!

[loveajax]

Kat, my gma was in a nursing home and had the nicest nurse who was Haitian. I came in one day and she said, "I love my colored nurse!" I was horrified and said,"nana, you can't say that...you should say person of color (that was the pc term at the time)." She said, "I said that, silly!"
She now has two "colored" gkids that she never met...hope she's happy up there!