[jp4ga]

Our OA is falling apart quickly. We are trying she (the bmom) is not IMHO. When we adopted our DD a year ago we were told that the adoption would be closed. A few days later while we were waiting for ICPC to clear we were told that it would be Open. We asked the Bmom to define open. She did, in writing with the help of her attorney. Now she is insisting on changes that we are not comfortable with. We agreed to an OA that we knew we would be able to honor and uphold. We agreed to nothing that we thought we might have problems with maintaining. The OA is that we will send updates every 3 months, in the form of letters and photos. The OA also says that as DD gets older (able to talk) that phone calls will occur 2x per year and that we will arrange a face to face after our DD turns 18. Right now we do the phone calls I am very open with her and try my best to answer all of her questions. The OA also states that the Bmom will send updates on herself and photos of our DD's siblings (this has not happened yet).

Early on DH and I actually decided that more phone calls could happen if DD wanted them, and that more letters could be exchanged if DD wanted them.

Fast Forward 1 year: The bmom is harassing our adoption agency by calling and demanding contact 3-4 times a week. She is also calling our attorney and doing the same thing. In our last phone call she cussed me out and told me she hoped that I died a long painful death she also called me a few choice names. I did not stoop to her level. I ended the call promptly and told her that if she insited on yelling at me and cussing that I would not accept her next phone call.

She complains about all of the photos we send. She wants only professional photos. Sorry but I can not afford professional photos 4 times per year. She has lost custody of her children and says it is our fault. She has called our local DFACS and filed abuse reports on us. These of course have all been disproved, and a waste of DFACS time, but every allegation must be investigated. She called my old place of employement and told lies about me and my family. She also has said that as soon as she figures out exactly where we live she will be coming to get "her" baby.

We were recently informed that she was arrested on harassment and charges of threats of bodily injury to a judge and a weapon was found on her at the time of her arrest just outside the court house. She goes to court next month and could face jail time. I almost hope she ends up in jail so that I don't have to worry about her.

My problem is I do not wish to send any future updates. She has harassed us, she has posed threats to our family and has come right out and said she plans to kidnap our daughter. Is she capable of this??? I don't know. Is it distrubing to me? Yes. Does contact cause us distress? Yes. Is continued contact in the best interest of our daughter? Maybe, maybe not. I really don't know.

I agreed to an OA, but when is enough enough? How many threats should we endure. How many nasty phone calls should I take? I want to call it quits. I wrote her an update that is to be mailed this week. To tell you the truth it is very vauge and not like the others, and I did not include as many pictures. I just do not have the heart for it.

I keep saying to myself give her time, but how much time does she need? Should I be abused while she is figuring this out? I don't think so.

Sorry this is long but I really need help. I know most Aparents will say close the adoption and most bparents will say keep it open. Right now everything goes through our attorney. This was neccessary so that I don't say or do something that I may regret in years to come. This just pissed her off because now he gets the letters and forwards to her, she has to call him in order to call us, and he will only call at the 2 scheudled times. He sends us a note every two weeks with a summary of her calls to him and 2 the adoption agency.

[DancinBear63]

Oh my goodness! That must be so challenging/scary/frustrating for you and your family. I don't have any advice to offer, and am only posting to offer my support. Good luck with this situation. I'm glad that your attorney is now serving as an intermediary.

[crick]

Personally I would stop the phone calls. It's in the agreement for 2 times a year, correct? And it's when dd gets older. At a year old, she's not old enough to talk on the phone and you certainly do NOT need to be verbally abused. She lost that courtesy you made to add more phone calls and I see no reason why you can't just stick to the agreement made. Since she's had more than the 2 calls this year already, you've fulfilled that part of the agreement. Sorry, but verbal abuse is not okay. Hopefully your attorney has recorded the phone calls and this likely will be a part of the agreement you can change to absolutely no phone calls. For now though, if you've done your 2, the rest of the year should be done?

Send a few pictures and updates as scheduled. You said you would and you should. Since it is done via 3rd party, there's no reason not to, imo. She doesn't have your contact info, correct? Yes, she has definitely done things to say "Forget you lady!" but at the end of this road, you will only answer to one person and that is your daughter. When your daughter is old enough to ask questions or want answers, you can tell her that you upheld your end and did what was morally correct.

Now...if you find that the pictures usage is abused, then I see reason to stop with that and just do the update. Or just send pictures of her with her face hidden/blurred.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Her behavior is absolutely unacceptable.

[JustPeachy]

Well, I am a bmom and I think I would have a hard time keeping this open under the circumstances you describe.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't even know where to begin. I think I would consult with a counselor at your agency and see how to best proceed. And also, what does your attorney suggest?

I can't imagine making all those demands and then harassing and threatening you! I'm not sure what is going on with your child's birthmom, but it sounds like she really needs to pull it together as she is only making things worse for herself and everyone else.

It sounds like she really didn't know what she wanted from the beginning (did she have any counseling prior to making her adoption plan?), defined "open adoption" as more of a "semi-open" situation (pics and updates are, in my view, "semi-open"--that is what I have), and now wants fully open. But you can't just go from your originally defined agreement to demanding contact of any kind (let alone 3-4x per week) and demanding professional photos, etc. Heck, I was happy to get ANY kind of photo of my son (and sometimes my updates and pictures were only xerox copies of holiday letters!), I just cannot imagine demanding professional pics!

I'm so sorry you are being put through all this. And I feel badly for the birthmother in that I believe if she approached this differently, and respectfully, in time you might have been amenable to opening things up a bit more. As it is, her actions are only having the opposite effect. I'm sure she is struggling tremendously, and I know firsthand that relinquishing a child is extremely difficult even in the best of circumstances, but the way she is going about this is way off base. I don't see how you can keep it open if she is being a threat to you and/or your family. I really don't.

Maybe you could continue to send pics and updates to the agency to hold for her, but I don't think I'd want any sort of direct contact right now. Just MHO.

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by jp4ga

I agreed to an OA, but when is enough enough? How many threats should we endure. How many nasty phone calls should I take? I want to call it quits. I wrote her an update that is to be mailed this week. To tell you the truth it is very vauge and not like the others, and I did not include as many pictures. I just do not have the heart for it.

I keep saying to myself give her time, but how much time does she need? Should I be abused while she is figuring this out? I don't think so.

Oh I think you're already there! I'd say enough is enough already! You have endured enough threats and harrassment! My goodness, callling CPS? I would have closed it already. I think she's had enough time and I think your situation sounds really unsafe. I think what you need to focus on is the safety of your family.

[aclee]

I have to disagree with Crick...which is rare

I would close completely. What if one of the pictures you send her helps her figure out where you live? If she is set on finding you, and has shown before that she follows through on her threats (having a weapon in the car) then I wouldn't risk ANY contact with her. What if someone new comes to the agency that is forwarding your letters and doesn't block out your address, or isn't aware of the situation and provides her with information they shouldn't? I would close all contact. If she threatens a judge, then I don't feel this is grief related. It sounds as if she is unstable, and you need to protect your daughter.

I hope you are not responsible for paying fees for all the attny calls etc she is making.

[crick]

Those are good points to bring up Ac! Hadn't considered the changes with agency workers etc. Definitely would make me want far more security on things and a more structured process to ensure nothing leads back to contact information!

[alinev]

I would close completely, you can always reopen later. Your description of her extreme behavior leads me to believe that the woman is not mentally well or has a drug problem. Threats like kidnapping should be taken VERY seriously and should be reported to the police. The adoption agency should be on alert that no personal information ever be given to her. I undertand that you want to honor your agreement with her but the most important agreement you made was the one to be a good parent to her daughter. If this was anyone else would you tolerate such behavior?

[jp4ga]

Possible leaking of information is why we chose our attorney to be the 3rd party instead of the adoption agency. Our attorney has been great and is not charging any additional fees for being the 3rd party. He and his family have adopted 2 children and he understands the ins and outs of adoption.

The bmom did have our phone number but not our address, we have since changed the phone number. She knows the state and county we live in but not any other information.

I really am struggeling with this, I know that she is having a difficult time but why is she being so horrible to us. Her actions are really not encouraging us keep communicating with her.

I do welcome any and all thoughts and comments on the issues. I do not plan to make a decision today or even this week. I will carefully weigh everything. It is just so hard.

[aclee]

I do like that your attny is handling things. Maybe you could tell her you need a break, or that you need space. Hopefully she would take that time to get herself together etc. Tell her you are closing for one year to give her a chance to take care of herself. If I continued contact, I would send a couple clear but non de-script picture (not even parks that you visit) and a general letter, maybe even bullet points. Weight, height, how many teeth, major milestones. I wouldn't even say what activities she's in or anything...

That's so sad, and so hard. I would just encourage you not to underestimate her, or give her more chances than you would anyone else. I understand she is your daughters bmom and the emotion that comes with that, but the fact remains that if ANYONE else in your life did this, you wouldn't allow contact with them any more.

[loveajax]

Debbie, my immediate reaction is that you cannot go on like this. I believe in keeping promises and I believe in keeping open adoptions open even if things get hard (my DD is four and I can't say everything has always gone smoothly, but I think we are in a good place today). But I also believe that OA can only function successfully if both the birth and adoptive parents are respectful to each other...you don't even have to like each other, but respect is key. Your DD's birth mom not only is acting disrespectfully, she is making your life so hard! And honestly, this can't be "helping" you as a parent. You need to take control over the situation in a way that helps you and your family.....only you know what that answer is. Maybe even taking a "breather" for a year or so will help. I am really so sorry you are dealing with this.

Btw, in my state OA agreements are legal and enforceable, but there are provisions for going into court to reduce/stop contact if it is in the best interest of the child. I'd be hard pressed to think of a judge who would hear this story and not think you would be "justified" in changing the terms.

Best to you!!

[nee18]

Open adoption can be so hard under the best of circumstances, so I can't imagine what you're going through. That's a very difficult and scary situation to be in. I think it's admirable that you're trying your best to safely uphold what promises you can uphold from the OA agreement, but I have to agree that closing it at this time might be best, just for the safety of your family. Like someone else said, you can always reopen it later. So sorry you're going through this.

[mama_again]

[quote=jp4ga]I agreed to an OA, but when is enough enough? How many threats should we endure. How many nasty phone calls should I take? QUOTE]


It sounds like you have already endured WAY too much! we live in a day when threats must be taken seriously...May you have wisdom with every decision that comes your way...Prayers are with you and your family!

[MamaS]

If you continue to send pictures, I would run regular scans of her name of FaceBook, MySpace, etc. and see if she has posted the pictures. She might have posted a "Do You Know Where This Child Is?" request to get help locating the child. Also, make sure there are no identifiable locations (church signs, street signs, etc.) in the picture. She sounds both disturbed and determined, which is a scary combination!

[Fran27]

I would totally close the adoption in these conditions... no hesitation. Is your OA legal and enforceable? If it's the case I'd do my best to make it changed, on the ground that she is mentally unstable (although I'd guess there should be something about it in the paperwork if it's legal).

So sorry you are going through this... It's definitely not in your family's best interest to continue contact.