[SupaModel]

I would hope people would be honest and respectful with me. I try and do the same but sometimes people take it and some dont. what can you do?

[feelingreyt]

I have to admit, when there is a discussion going on that I can NOT support or symathize with, I tend to not respond. I will read the views and opinions, but if I can't add something without hurting someone else, I do my best stay out of it. Sometimes I succeed, other times, I don't and have to give my 2 cents. However, I always try to be sensitive to the other person.
You can disagree without being rude.

[crick]

I think sometimes too it boils down to not taking every single thing someone says totally to heart. If I'm just in a ventful spot and not necessarily looking for opinions, I still need to be prepared for some, because it's going to happen. However, I can gloss over those because I don't need/want anything from those. We all have a responsibility in posting, and yet sometimes I think where we have the most trouble is in listening.

I can't control what someone posts but I can certainly control what I get from it. If someone says something I find most unhelpful, I try to just ignore it. If I vent about my dog vomiting on my new carpet all the time, and someone says "You shouldn't have a dog then", well, thanks...but seriously, did you hear yourself? HELLOOOO??? Do you understand the topic at all?? So I say that out loud to my trusty puter and don't reply in a post to that person.

I say it alot on here and everywhere...."Take what you need from something and leave the rest".

I know if something makes me bristle I need to not reply to that right away. Doesn't always happen, but I try!

I also appreciate threads where things are "hot" sometimes, simply because we seem to learn more from those. Not only about topics but about members too. It helps me to know of some members who truly can't deal with the infertility topics and they are hot triggers for them. Or that a bmom really gets hurt by the term birthmom and prefers firstmom. Is it their responsibility to control their reactions? Of course. But can I help avoid those if I reword something or not comment on it at all? YES. Not to say I'm walking on eggshells mind you...just saying I try to remember certain triggers if it can really help the discussion/member.

Anyway...keep talking...it helps us all!

[zxczxcasdasd]

I'm so glad you brought this up Crick!

I personally am okay with disagreement over principles and ideas. It doesn't feel good at the time, and of course "you're so right!" feels warm and fuzzy, but I think that anything worthwhile should be able to withstand challenge and should not fear dissenting opinion.

What gets to me most is when a dissenting opinion, which is clearly worded as a dissenting opinion, gets labeled as an "attack" or a "personal attack" because it's not butt-kissing or affirmation. I would hope that we can challenge ideas, that we can share from our own unique views and be open to those of others, because if anything it helps test the validity, strength and truth of what we are putting out there.

When we label disagreement as "attacking", or "vicious" or even think that our feelings (whether it felt good to hear or not) are the standard by which something is judged, we do the very thing we accuse the other party of: name-calling (i.e. calling them "attackers", "angry", "vicious"), posturing (assuming the victim stance because someone said something that challenged what we said), and prejudice (your view isn't my view, so...*chuck!*).

Sometimes support can be truth-telling, or offering an alternate view-point rather than just pity and affirmation, can't it?

Of course, in these forums, we are dealing with deep emotional things and sometimes, in really difficult or vulnerable times, we just want to be "held" or assured we're not crazy for feeling what we're feeling. I think we have to have the common sense and discretion to know the difference between one of "those" times and when it's time for "discussion", kwim?

Feelings and principles are 2 totally different things and when they get confused, healthy discussion is impossible.

[Gwen72]

If I don't agree with something or can't support a position I usually don't respond to the thread. The OP probably posted the thread looking for support and I feel like if I can't say something supportive then I will make them feel even worse. Sometimes I will say, "I'm sorry you're having a hard time, good luck." If someone asks for advice I will give them my best advice. In the past when I asked for advice, I appreciated people who gave constructive advice from their unique points of view. That helped me see the situation from angles that I never considered which I think was great. However, I don't like it when people spell check the OP or tell them the politically correct verbage on the forum. You could PM the OP with that stuff if you feel that strongly. Otherwise, be supportive or be constructive but don't be snarky! That's just my 2 cents.

[mondk]

Originally Posted by feelingreyt

I have to admit, when there is a discussion going on that I can NOT support or symathize with, I tend to not respond. I will read the views and opinions, but if I can't add something without hurting someone else, I do my best stay out of it. Sometimes I succeed, other times, I don't and have to give my 2 cents. However, I always try to be sensitive to the other person.
You can disagree without being rude.

I couldn't have said it better myself. And IRL, I agree to disagree with a lot of people but can still say I'm there for them etc...hope that makes sense.

Blessings, Michelle

[Proud2BHisMom]

Support does not mean agreement. As others have said, it's about how you go about it. It is possible to offer differing opinions without being insensitive or disrepectful.

Originally Posted by aallen25

GO PENGUINS!!!

aallen25: I do agree with and support you!! lol

[RavenSong]

Heidi, your statement says it all for me: "What gets to me most is when a dissenting opinion, which is clearly worded as a dissenting opinion, gets labeled as an "attack" or a "personal attack" because it's not butt-kissing or affirmation."

I've noticed a lot of threads lately where people accuse other members of personal attacks just because they don't agree with what's being said. I think there's a big difference between pity, sympathy, and empathy.

One of the things that bothers me from time to time is when newbies start tearing down long-time forum members. It takes a while to learn everyone's style of writing, and I wish newcomers would take a little time and read through old posts when they come across an "old timer" they don't like before they jump all over them.

[joskids]

First of all, Crick - GO WINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!

As for "Support" - does it "support" someone when you agree with them but know they are in for a world of hurt if they continue to believe the way they do? Each of us comes to adoption.com for different reasons, with different backgrounds, with different perspectives on what child(ren) fit into our families. Each of us was raised differently, we have different culturies, political perspective and religions (where most of the "issues" stem from).

I respect everyone's opinions. Because I'm an older mom and lived a lot of life (trust me here), and I know how my opinions and standards have changed over the years of my own experiences, I really MUST respect others.

My most recent disappointment on A.com was in terms of religious discussion where I was called out for being less "Catholic" than someone else. I take big issue with that but, seriously, I don't need anyone to agree with my spirituality. Those who know my heart respect it. I'm totally open to discussions on race, religion and politics -- actually, I look forward to those kinds of discussions because, as someone else stated, they open my mind and heart.

I've met some wonderful folks on these forums. Those of you that I love know who you are. I respect your opinions, your openness, your views and information that you pass along but, mostly, I feel blessed to have you all in my life. I need you. And you probably need me too, whether you want to admit it or not

Most sincerely,
Josie

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by Gwen72

However, I don't like it when people spell check the OP or tell them the politically correct verbage on the forum. You could PM the OP with that stuff if you feel that strongly. Otherwise, be supportive or be constructive but don't be snarky! That's just my 2 cents.

I've definitely never spell checked someone, but I have in the past mentioned verbiage issues. (As someone else did to ME when I joined here and didn't know birthmom from expectant mom myself!!!)

I've never viewed this as snarky though, because that's TRULY not my intent. Sometimes people really just don't know! I'm thankful for the people that helped educate ME!

The reason I don't usually do this through PM is because that educates the OP. But I've learned just as much about verbiage, etiquette, and adoption processes from reading other threads where someone took the opportunity to provide educational information. Had they not, I wouldn't have gotten the PM and might not know!

Having said that, I NEVER "educate" about terminology on a thread where someone is clearly grieving a failed match, etc. That's definitely not what that thread is for. But if the post says for example, "Hey, DH and I were matched with a birthmom this week and we're really nervous about meeting her! What should we do or say??? I'm just so scared about this match and am looking for support!"

I would ABSOLUTELY support her feelings, I would tell her to be herself, and yes, I might mention that she's an emom right now and not a birthmom. I don't think that's snarky, and I do think that my overall message is supportive. (Though I know from personal experience that not everyone views it that way as I've been told that it's not my place to bring that up and how it's inappropriate).

[brooklyn_girl]

I really like these forums because it's not just a group hug every single time (although those are great, I often learn something new when folks disagree). However sometimes I am disappointed by:

- Poorly worded, less than helpful disagreements (already mentioned by several posters)

- Obsession with using the right terminology. Sometimes it's hard to remember to use all the right code words, so sue me.

- I think one should be able to freely post from their unique perspective. For example if on the bmom forums someone is venting about aparents, it's not necessary to say "hey I'm an aparent, not fair!" unless the post is really outrageous. Guess what, that's the birthmother forum, and the safe place to express frustration. Same goes for the adoptive parent forum. I don't think a constant reminder that "not all bmoms are like that" is necessary - unless of course someone is being really truly offensive and making big categorical judgements. Sometimes I hold back in my posts because I'm afraid someone is going to say "yeah well think about how the emom feels" - well I DO think about how she feels, but today, right this very minute, I want to talk about how *I* feel.

Anyway, all that said, this is one of the most helpful and wonderful resources about adoption I've found and find it truly amazing!!

[joskids]

Brooklyn - well said!!!!!!!!!

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by brooklyn_girl

I really like these forums because it's not just a group hug every single time (although those are great, I often learn something new when folks disagree). However sometimes I am disappointed by:

- Poorly worded, less than helpful disagreements (already mentioned by several posters)

- Obsession with using the right terminology. Sometimes it's hard to remember to use all the right code words, so sue me.

- I think one should be able to freely post from their unique perspective. For example if on the bmom forums someone is venting about aparents, it's not necessary to say "hey I'm an aparent, not fair!" unless the post is really outrageous. Guess what, that's the birthmother forum, and the safe place to express frustration. Same goes for the adoptive parent forum. I don't think a constant reminder that "not all bmoms are like that" is necessary - unless of course someone is being really truly offensive and making big categorical judgements. Sometimes I hold back in my posts because I'm afraid someone is going to say "yeah well think about how the emom feels" - well I DO think about how she feels, but today, right this very minute, I want to talk about how *I* feel.

Anyway, all that said, this is one of the most helpful and wonderful resources about adoption I've found and find it truly amazing!!

I agree. Well said for sure!!

[feelingreyt]

About educating newbies: When I first came to this forum I thought I was a Birthmom! I did give birth to my 2 bio children, however, I also parent them!
Terminology on the forums can be so confusing. After finally realizing what the term "birth mom" means I use it correctly, lol!

[Gwen72]

Okay TGM, point taken. Sometimes people do need to see the proper verbage on the open forum for their benefit and other reader's benefit too. I have never seen you be snarky about it either. I still don't like spell checkers though!