[Stormster]

As those of you who know me know I had serious guilt and pain over E's birth mother and a lot of trouble bonding for the first 6-8 months (and even sometimes after). Fast forward 22 months in, SAHM very hands on and very bonded/in love OMG soooooooooo MAD about the boy!!!

Thing is, i now forget about adoption for days at a time now. And he chose one of his adoption story books which i hadn't broken out yet because they are paper and he rips paper but I didn't put it back because it was paper or too wordy for his age or anything. I PUT IT BACK BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT ADOPTION. I'm just being honest.

I want to forget. I want to pretend he's mine. I know how ridiculous that sounds!!!! But is it normal?

I will never sacrifice his truth for my fantasies don't get me wrong but it's just such a weird feeling and I'm soooo uncomfortable about this.

Just wondering if anyone else has felt this way? He's 2 now which is the time I always said I'd start talking to him about it but it doesn't feel right yet! I feel we just started bonding so recently!

Thoughts? Oh and ETA even though I'm on A.com every day, sometimes I just forget it's about adoption and deal with parenting issues....~!

[SupaModel]

Originally Posted by Stormster

I want to forget. I want to pretend he's mine. I know how ridiculous that sounds!!!! But is it normal?

He IS yours! There is no pretending that fact. As far as forgetting, yes I sometimes forget DS is adopted too. As time goes on its not about adoption 24/7. Will he know that he's adopted? YES. Do I have to talk about it it constantly? NO.

That's one of the problems I see on here. It seems that everything waking moment is all about adoption. I just don't see me doing that for the next 18yrs. KWIM?

I know a lady IRL who adopted from Russia and she's very open about it BUT right now it's just her daughter. The girl is 13yrs old and just being a happy child. I would like to be able to move on and not let H's adoption to be the focus of our lives. He's our son period.

[4everwaiting]

I agree with Supa about this!

J is adopted but it is a small part of our lives. Our world will not revolve about adoption, but about her... She will know, but it will not consume our lives as I see it has so many other adoptive parents.

I think by making it a "big deal" all the time, they begin to define themselves differently...

I think you are doing a great job with your son!

Keep doing what you're doing- he will turn out wonderful!

S

[feelingreyt]

I also forget, sometimes, that H is adopted. I will say things like, he gets that look from his brother, or he has his daddy's hair.
I think it's normal and healthy! Yes, H will know he's adopted, but that is not going to be our focus. Our focus is on our whole family!

You are an awsome Mom. And, by the way, E is YOURS 100%!!!!!!

[nikkianni]

Honey, you know in your heart he couldn't be any more yours. When your happiness is directly connected to the happiness of one fantastic little person, you belong to each other and that's it.
The fact that it took adoption to make him yours doesn't change one single thing. Nothing.
As for the book....DD has started wanting me to read her the paper adoption book and I do. When the story diverges from hers I read that part, then say, "we did X instead." She's fascinated, but doesn't really understand. But it's a start.
You don't need to start talking to E about it now if you're not ready. But a few comments here and there occasionally might make you more open to starting the adoption talk.
And they will not for one second in any way make you less of his real mom.

[loveajax]

Storm, I agree with Supa and Nikki. Btw, Nicki, I literally almost had a special "thread" for you like where the heck is Nikki!

I think I would be more concerned if you didn't feel like E was completely yours. It is great that you are feeling the way that you do!

I realized the other day that I spend waaay too much time on a.com (not that I don't like the support and people...I do). But I then fret about these "issues" that are not even present in our family. DD is a happy kiddo and we couldn't be more of a happy family (most days!!). Things are going well with her birth family. DD knows she was adopted and we talk about it occasionally but so far she just seems to be like "no big whoop." I find myself getting "riled up" about stuff that really is just inapplicable to us, you know....so anyway, your post is a good one for me to read right now.

You are doing a great job!

[Stormster]

no i know he's mine, i'm talking mine as in CARRIED him! Slightly delusional I'd say!

[MamaS]

Originally Posted by SupaModel

As time goes on its not about adoption 24/7..

That's one of the problems I see on here. It seems that everything waking moment is all about adoption.

I am sooo glad to hear you say that. I have thought it, but I am frequently flamed for saying what I think, so I didn't.
Yes, this is an adoption forum. Yes, there are issues -- deciding to adopt, accomplishing an adoption, getting your family/friends to understand about adoption -- but at some point, don't you get to be just "a family"? Not, "A family with adopted children" but just "a family"!

Also, parenting adopted children is not 100% different from parenting bio-children. Some things are different, but many things are the same: "Take a bath, do your homework, don't wrestle with the dog on top of the dining room table, turn off the TV, ice cream with sprinkles is not breakfast" etc. It's just parenting. It's just life, happening.

[blessedbybug]

I rarely forget that my children were adopted, but I don't ever doubt that they are my children. It is actually a really unique place to live I think, something that Moms who are adoption involved experience (and I mean that to include all Moms in the triad).

That said, I can tell you that I had a hard time bonding with DS and in the end, through counseling for other issues it became clear that some of my struggle included facing the reality that as his mother, I wasn't able to mother him for the first nine months and in our case (and I'm not talking about anyone else's situation) with both our children, it meant that our kids went through some pretty tough things even before they were born.

I had a lot of grief over that, not being there for those months before they were born. I wasn't there to protect them when they probably should have been protected better during that time. As strange as that sounds now, because it is what it is, and my kids wouldn't be the people they are had they not gone through that, had they not been born of another, that one realization opened up a whole other level of confidence as a mother. I faced that reality, that was a part of my anger at what had happened to my children, and embraced it all, and it made it possible to have compassion in the relationships with my kids' other families and I can tell you that now, as a result of this, I am so bonded with my children...it just amazes me.

It has actually been a huge relief to put aside the desire (which I do believe is normal for ANY mother) that my children be all mine and face the reality that they are who they are because they were born from another mom. I can say I am more able to securely navigate the hard stuff related to my kid's adoption, especially the situations with their first families which at the moment are at best, chaotic and/or non-existent.

I think what you are experiencing is normal, but the work of facing reality and embracing what is real, rather than pretending it is not needs to be done. Bless you Storm, for acknowledging this in yourself. And let me say this that IMO there is nothing wrong with setting aside adoption as a central issue in your life and parenting. I don't think we can ignore it, but I know for us, as my kids grow up (i can't believe they are five and three, and at this moment fighting in the living room) we are becoming more and more confident in how we are handling it all, the "when and where and how" of telling them the story of their life, the balance of hoping for openness and realizing it's never going to be what we thought it would, and the joy of being fully able to parent our children as our own with confidence.

Blessings to your family!

[Stormster]

Tammy, what a wise and wonderful post! Made me all teary!

[nee18]

I'm so glad you started this thread, Storm. This is something that weighs on my mind as well. As a SAHM, I often think, if DS wasn't adopted, would I make time every day to check out some general parenting forum like I do a.com? Don't get me wrong, I think a.com is such a great resource and has been (and will continue to be) a great support as we've navigated the adoption world, but, sometimes adoption does become a little too much of our lives.

I think, in our case with a transracial adoption, we've been beaten over the heads with all these "issues" to be aware of and trying to prepare ourselves for all kinds of situations that it's hard sometimes just to put it all aside and be a parent. I think it's great that you've gotten to a point where adoption isn't the big focus of your life every day. I think it's important that our children be proud of how they came into their families through adoption, but not feel totally defined by adoption either.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by nee18

I'm so glad you started this thread, Storm. This is something that weighs on my mind as well. As a SAHM, I often think, if DS wasn't adopted, would I make time every day to check out some general parenting forum like I do a.com? Don't get me wrong, I think a.com is such a great resource and has been (and will continue to be) a great support as we've navigated the adoption world, but, sometimes adoption does become a little too much of our lives.

I think, in our case with a transracial adoption, we've been beaten over the heads with all these "issues" to be aware of and trying to prepare ourselves for all kinds of situations that it's hard sometimes just to put it all aside and be a parent. I think it's great that you've gotten to a point where adoption isn't the big focus of your life every day. I think it's important that our children be proud of how they came into their families through adoption, but not feel totally defined by adoption either.

Yeah this! For a long time, I wasn't even on here, cause I was sick of it defining our lives. We are not just a transracial family, we are more than a family formed through adoption. It made us, but it does not define us. I can say now, which I couldn't say 6 months ago, that there are many days where I don't think twice about adoption. I'm ok with that. I love Ty's birth family, but I don't think they would want our lives to be about the fact that Ty is adopted. They want our lives to be about Ty and our family...and it is

[SupaModel]

[quote=aclee]Yeah this! For a long time, I wasn't even on here, cause I was sick of it defining our lives. We are not just a transracial family, we are more than a family formed through adoption. It made us, but it does not define us. QUOTE]

This is my point exactly! Thanks Aclee. I too love the things i've learned on a.com. I will be forever thankful for that BUT I also know that sooner or later it will be time for me to move on from this site. As DS gets older my issues are more parenting related not adoption. I have plenty of moms IRL i can talk about those things with. I also see on here where ppl take adoption to the extreme. Everything has to be sooo PC or looking for hidden agendas in dealing with the non-adoptive public. I just wanna move on and be a family and deal with issues as they come. KWIM?

[manni28]

Ladies:

I want to say as an adoptee, YOU are your children's mothers and they are YOUR children in EVERY way.

Please don't let guilt ( which I don't why some of you have) or insecurity prevent you from enjoying your motherhood and life. I think it's important to acknowledge the child is adopted, and to speak freely about being adopted, but I don't think it has to be a focus point of their lives or yours. Remember, you have a child( or children) because you wanted to become parents-enjoy it!!

-Manni

[finallyamom0310]

Storm, I agree with PP's. You are a great mom and it does seem to be normal to forget about adoption as the way your family is formed. I do it most days too. I will disucss adoption when needed and DD does have a book of pictures of her with her BMom and I so that she sees us both. But we rarely look at it as she has other interest. When out of sight also out of mind.