[ourdreamcametru]

Okay, as most of you know, DH and I have two bio boys who are now 18 and 14 and then Castle, 5 who is adopted. We have always enjoyed spending time with our children and have rarely used even a babysitter to go out without them, we had them we will raise them sort of thing. Anyhow, when the boys were little they stayed with my parents from time to time overnight, just for the heck of it, not because we were doing anything or ask for them to. We never allowed DH's parents to keep them more than a few hours for us to run to dinner or to visit friends because they live on a huge farm and I do not trust the Inlaws with my children to be honest. MIL has been pretty ugly to me in the past and although I have tried to overlook it I still have problems with her from time to time. Well, a few weeks ago my cousin died and my Mom and I flew to Houston for her funeral. DH just changed jobs and although they told him to take off if he needed to, we felt it was best to not do so. This left me with two options, keep our 14 year old son out of school for three days or let her stay with the Inlaws. Well, DS has perfect attendence so that was not an option so I agreed to allow her to stay at the Inlaws house. We took her up the day before I was leaving because this would be her first time away for the night and I didn't want to be gone if DH had to go get her, they live 45 minutes away. When we arrived I explained that I DID NOT want her on the lawn mower, tractor, four wheeler or horses and that she should always be in her booster seat in the car. I let the fact that I knew they would feed her nothing but junk for four days go because I figured I had to pick my fights and I did want her to have fun. DH's sister and her DH live next door and they have two girls who are 8 and 10 that Castle loves so I knew she would play with them. Castle made the stay with no problem and loved every minute of it so I was so excited to have the "first" under my belt and was having dreams of finally having a place where she could spend an occasional night and DH and I started talking about taking a short trip to the beach this Fall, we have never taken a trip by ourselves since our honeymoon 21 years ago! (Although we trust my parents and they are crazy about our kids, they just aren't "kid" people) Now my vent....... yesterday when we were at the Inlaws after church they start talking to Castle about coming to spend the weekend again, "so she can ride with Granddaddy on the four wheeler to check the cows and sheep" They went on talking about how they found the helment for the horse so she can ride them next time too. I was beside myself and DH just about chocked on his roastbeef because he knew I was going to be ticked. Maybe this is all fine and maybe I am being over protective but I didnt' grow up on a farm and I prefer my children be old enough to do these things safely, our boys started doing them around the age of 10 when we visit on Sundays. Afterall, I did request that they NOT do these things with Castle, esp since I was going to be out of town if something had happened. I was so angry that nothing was said and DH and I didn't talk about it because to be honest I am over fighting because of his parents, I just won't allow them to ever keep her again which makes me sad because I really thought we could finallly trust them.
Sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent.

[jp4ga]

My In-laws own a boat dock/fishing company and thier home is on the premises. I had a problem leaving my son with them becasue I did not want him to fall in the river, off a boat, get hooked with a fish hook or find one of the many other hidden dangers that lurk.

Well we left him with them in an emergency situation when he was 5 and they let him do all the things I did not want him to do.

Their argument was that they had raised all of their children there and knew how to supervise him and keep him safe. Did that make it right, no. We had a tough conversation about boundries and my rights as a mom to make the decisions. Did it help? Not really.

Let them know how you feel, and make a decision about how willing you are to leave her with them again when you know they will disreguard your request. I just wish grandparents would listen to and back up parents.

[slugbug0930]

To be fair in our case it just isn't my in-laws that don't listen...though my MIL tends to discount things I say more than my own mother....but my mother doesn't listen when I say "no" sometimes either.

It get aggravating to be constantly ignored when it comes to my own child. I think the worst part is that if you even hint that my MIL did something wrong or something that we didn't approve of.....it turns into a big drama with her having a pity party and feeling like everyone hates her. UGH! At least my mother doesn't go that far....she just apologizes.

I usually just let my husband take care of it now.....I tend to be mean about it and say "I told you not to...don't do it again!" Where as he will sit them down and say "this is why we don't want....." But it has yet to stop my MIL from doing the things we have asked her not to. SIGH....

[oceanica]

Don't bother saying anything, because all it will do is get completely ignored or cause hard feelings. It won't make anyone change. You just won't be able to leave her there unchaperoned.

I don't blame you one bit for your concerns. As a person who has seen the aftermath of 4 wheeler accidents on numerous occasions, I would agree with you 100%! Since some Moms on here probably allow it I'm not going to say too much, other than it's NOT worth it!!

Oh and I think you need a second honeymoon!!

[MamaS]

It does sound like they did partly listen. They didn't let her ride the horse, and they found a riding safety helmet to use -- next time. Also, they didn't let her ride the 4-wheeler alone, just with grandpa. Maybe you can build on that?
For example, let her ride with grandpa on Sundays when you are there. Find something she can do with your M-I-L that you do approve of -- making cookies, gardening -- so she can have a special activity.
I respect that my daughter is the mother but it is very annoying to be told "Don't feed your grandchild what you fed us, don't let your grandchild play the way we played, don't let them watch TV like we did" -- it's like everything I did was wrong, but they grew up safe and healthy and never ended up in the emergency room.

[Amber76]

We've never left DS with anyone but my sister for all of these very reasons. My MIL would let him do whatever he wanted, I'm sure! My mom would respect my wishes only because she knows that I wouldn't let her watch him again if she didn't, but I haven't needed her to watch him yet. (I've only left him 3 times, ever, and those were for dinner and a movie times).

As MamaS said, I'm sure it is annoying to my mom and my inlaws that we do things different than they did. BUT-they also did things different than their parents did and they wanted their wishes respected too. Plus, I tell my mom all the time, after waiting for 7 years for my perfect baby boy, I'm just not taking ANY risks and after that long wait we're going to do things our way!

[yehudit]

In-law relationships are so hard. I can understand why you'd be pissed. And their argument that they've raise children before is, ahem, bunk. I've heard that argument about all sorts of things from carseats to infant sleeping -- "all our children grew up OK." Nope, some of 'em died, just not yours.

Secondly, I've noticed with both my parents and my in-laws that when you haven't had kids around for a while, you forget how to do it. Maybe you lose your reflexes, or you forget how vigilant you need to be, or something. Bottom line is, you're the parents and what you say goes. (Just watch me eat my words when I'm a grandparent.)

When thing 1 was a baby I broke down under the pressure and allowed my in-laws to use their crib from 30+ years ago. The next morning, we found DS on the floor under the crib. We are VERY LUCKY he didn't get caught under the mattress or get hurt in the fall.

Ultimately, when tough things need to be said it sounds better coming from their actual child (as opposed to their child by marriage). I have been trying to get my DH to take more responsibility for having those tough conversations with his parents -- they have betrayed our confidences a few times so we just don't tell them anything we want kept secret anymore. What I'd like would be for me to handle my parents and him to handle his, but it rarely works out that way.

Good luck and know you are not alone in your in-law issues. I wonder what the in-laws are saying about us?

[DannieAS]

I read and re-read your OP, and maybe they were just so happy that they didn't do these things when she spent the weekend, that they thought they'd run it by you so *when* she spends the weekend there with you not out of town, they could do this...

(I could be wrong, I just interpreted your post to say that they could do this the *next* time)

If it's about safety, maybe you all could spend some family time at their farm and they can indulge themselves with some of this under your supervision. I can't say, maybe it's being a grandparent, maybe it's being raised on the farm....I know all grandparents think of is how to have fun and enjoy different ways that they didn't do with their own children...wrong or right it is the mentality.
As for farm, my co-worker thinks nothing of having her daughter (7 y/o) on a horse with helmet on....of course she's been riding horses for a while now and lives on a ranch...

Who knows. I hope that you all can navigate a place where all are able to enjoy AND be safe.

Peace!

[peregrinerose]

You said it yourself, YOU didn't grow up on a farm... that means you don't have the knowledge base to truly decide what is/isn't safe in a farm setting. That's not really a good way to go about doing this. Have you considered letting your daughter visit, with you there, and watching how the in-laws work with her on the horses, on the 4 wheeler, etc.? There are a lot of GOOD things that she could learn, even at 5 years old... safe handling of large animals, safety around ATVs, increased self-confidence, these are very good skills to have. And if you are there supervising, you may learn a thing or two yourself.

Broaden your own horizons a bit before being so quick to say 'no' to something like this.... see how it's handled and go from there. You may be pleasantly surprised.

[oceanica]

Since when did you have to grow up on a farm to know that 4 wheelers are not safe for a 5 year old?!!

[DannieAS]

Originally Posted by oceanica

Since when did you have to grow up on a farm to know that 4 wheelers are not safe for a 5 year old?!!

*hijacking thread for a minute* Do you work at a hospital? My mother does (medical coder) and this is the one thing she has begged to me to NOT do with any child regardless of age
***end of hijack***

Let's not make this thread go in a downward spiral (not pp)...I personally believe the OP has a right to be miffed if she feels she has been undermined.

Anyways just wanted to ask Oceanica a question...back to your regularly scheduled thread

[oceanica]

sorry I didn't mean to sound testy!!
(Kee is STILL not sleeping all that much at night, so I'm a bit of a grouch!)

Anyhow, yes I work in the medical arena and during my training I have seen one too many teenagers and twenty somethings with below the neck paralysis from 4 wheeler accidents. They were helmeted, they were safe, blah blah blah. It's a real shame for someone to end up in that condition.

[DannieAS]

I didn't think you were testy I just had to ask about working in the medical field because your post sounds identical to my mother and her concerns on 4-wheelers....she's read too many charts of teens and young adults paralyzed from accidents whether or not on helmets as well.

[ourdreamcametru]

Okay ladies, I was only venting, not trying to cause a stir. I really do allow my children to do fun things and lots of them with the grandparents but as a parent who waited a long time to have children, both bio and adopted, I just don't think there is reason to take a chance period. My bestfriends husband was killed last year, 38 years old, when he took his four wheeler for a "spin" across the front yard after having it worked on to make sure it was fixed so he could sell it. He had on a helment but when his head was slamed into a rock the helment did nothing for the fact that his brain was jarred so hard he never woke up again. He left behind his wife and two children. My first cousin had both legs cut off when a four wheeler overturned on her when she was 19 and to this day, 10 years later she is in a wheel chair. Yes the Inlaws know all this but it seems they live in a " it won't happen to me" kind of world!

[SuzBerg]

I think the point here is not whether or not 4 wheelers/horses/farms/whatever are safe for a 5 year old or Not (that could be debated for 17 pages). It's that "the mom" told the in-laws that she didn't want her child doing these things. It doesn't matter what reasons a person has or even if they make sense IF you do not want your child to participate in activities - your child doesn't participate in those activities! (I obviously have in-law issues or I wouldn't be so bossy in this post ).

Ourdream - Vent away - I totally get where you are coming from! I'm sorry that you feel like you can't leave Castle and have a "getaway" with hubby.